Marriage breakup, an affair, what a mess :-(

[onlyjustgettingby]

My marriage broke up at the end of last year, after years of me being unhappy.

My husband had several affairs during our marriage and by the end I not only didnt fancy him any more, but I lost all respect for him, I met someone else which gave me the kick to leave last year (I didnt leave for the other person, I just knew that it was the end)

I met someone else in March this year, we clicked immediately and the sparks were literally flying all over the place. We have been seeing each other ever since and have fallen head over heals for each other.

I dont want to move in with anyone else, I dont want the kids to have another father figure (they have a Dad) I am happy keeping my relationship completely separate from the kids.

And this is where it gets dirty.. he has a wife and 3 kids. He has a nice life and he loves his kids, and he loves his wife too.

He doesnt want to leave and I dont want him to leave, but we seem to be falling for each other further and further.

I cant imagine life without him, I dont want to live without him in my life, I feel like he is my soulmate and I think that one day we will be together.

I know that what we are doing is very wrong and I know that I will get completely flamed, but I dont know what else to do.. I cant funtion without knowing that he is in my life somewhere. We have ended things several times because 'its the right thing to do' but then we miss each other so much that we always get drawn back together again.

I would really appreciate some advice. I know the usual, and what we 'should' be doing, but we have tried that and it doesnt work :-(

I dont know many people who would use their children as pawns to get back at their ex! nice !

So is using your children in this manner better or worse than shagging someone else's husband and father?

'Why is that so important to you? '

Because my children have a decent, good man as a father, how he is as a parent has nothing to do with my children and anyone who would use their children in games against an ex is seriously messing with their kids heads.

I knew my mum had an affair and the real reason they split up. Shit happens, I was happy not to be lied too.

Your children will find out that your husband cheated. They may well find out that you are someone else's mistress too.

'So is using your children in this manner better or worse than shagging someone else's husband and father? '

Is that a serious question?

Using your child as a pawn to get back at a partner or two adults consenting to something that they both want to do?

No contest !

My children wont find out my husband cheated, there is no reason for them to, ever.

I would not want them to think any less of their father, who they absolutely adore.

hate to piss on your chips but most kids feel/hear/see stuff and it damages them, particularly if their parents are dishonest and dishonorable. Which your kids parents sound as if they are

op you are choosing to gloss over real issues so you go girl and enjoy your lovely relationship. Merry xmas

But the other party is inextricably linked to others, namely his wife and children.

You may be consenting but they are not!!!

You know he is married and a father and you still carry on fooling yourself and harp on like you are world's most moral Mother when you are in danger of breaking someone elses home and family up??

Can you not see how completely and utterly selfish and warped that is???

Read my earlier response (at bottom of last page) and the other comments from everyone else on here, there is a very clear consensus here, based actual experience, that says they will.

The man you are shagging also has children does he not?
I wonder how they would feel if they knew that daddy was in love with someone else?
Has he met your children? Do they know about him?

You are playing with peoples lives, you are twisting and distorting the truth and in your gross naiviety you think it doesn't matter because no-one will find out.
But they will and then your little illusions will come shattering down and you will watch as those peoples lives are torn apart. And you will know that you played a large part in that.

His children and your children will find out. Children are like that. Nosy little buggers. I found out. My brothers and sisters found out. My kids listen in to phone conversations. They listen when we think they are distracted. That's what kids do. And as they get older they start to think about all they heard and saw when they were little and as they get older, it all starts to make sense to them.
Children don't forget. They just save it in their heads until they can figure it out.

By that reasoning, don't you think they would think less of you too?

"Are you serious? I dont know many people who would use their children as pawns to get back at their ex! nice !"
You daft deluded fool!!! Go to the lone parents board or the step parents board if you don't think people do this!!
You may think you have protected your dc from the knowledge of their dad's infidelity (you won't have - they will work it out when they are older!) but what about this man's dc?
What happens when his wife finds out? They will see Dad moving out, Mum crying, overhear conversations about you.

Don't be so naive. You are hurting his wife and his innocent dc by carrying on with this sordid affair.
And don't for a minute think it will be happy ever after if they do split up - ever heard the phrase "marry your mistress - create a vacancy"?!

Ok so when the wife finds out and is devastated, and it impacts on her functioning and parenting, and she is furious with the H and shouts at him in front of the children, or cries over breakfast, or any number of responses - that won't impact on the children?

Because she will find out.

And stop saying 'consenting' - the wife isn't consenting. Nor are the kids. And they will come out of this worst.

SirCliff "And as they get older they start to think about all they heard and saw when they were little and as they get older, it all starts to make sense to them.
Children don't forget. They just save it in their heads until they can figure it out."

Absolutely! Very well put. A lot of things fell into place for me in my twenties.

The OP has created this world where things are in totally separate categories:

her marriage
her husband's infidelity
her shag partner's marriage
their affair
her kids
his kids

and is going around in a dream thinking that none of them will ever touch or affect each other. The real world doesn't work like that.

'You daft deluded fool!!! Go to the lone parents board or the step parents board if you don't think people do this!!'

That doesnt make it ok !

No wonder there are so many problems in marriages if people really think that is ok!

You know what, who else knows that your ex had an affair? The people he had affairs with of course, people associated with them (because you don't know who they told), a few close friends of his, anyone who lied to you for him, anyone who covered for him. And from your side, close friends? Family members?

You think all those people are as adament as you are that the children will never find out? Are they as discreet at you are?

And now, who knows you are having this affair with a married man? Where do your kids think you go? Or do they think he's single? What about your friends, your family, I'm guessing you will have told at least one person.

And him? He will have told a few people surely? It's too big a secret to keep quiet about. He says he loves you, he would have told someone. So the people who know have to keep that a secret too, do you trust them to? What about their partners? I know I couldn't keep such a big secret from mine. And then what if their partners tell other people?

This is just one of the ways that lies all start to unravel. That and the possibility if you being seen. Of his wife discovering his mobile phone or email account. You've seen it a million times on Mumsnet. That niggling instinct that a woman has that something is not right. A different scent on him, a nagging doubt, something that doesn't quite ring true. So she does her research and lo and behold, her instincts were right.

You are a fool if you think you can keep this and your ex's affairs from your kids. An utter fool.

I think it's possible that because your ego and esteem were so damaged by your husband's infidelities, you are especially attracted to a story about a man who having never been unfaithful before, chose you and risked it all.

That's what the hook is here isn't it?

That's why you think he must really love you, especially as he still loves his wife and is quite happy. You think this elevates your status and puts you on some sort of pedestal, don't you?

The awful truth that you will never believe is that this was just a coincidence of opportunity and timing. You might have been his first affair, but you could have been any woman who would have said 'yes' at that particular time. You're just a midlife diversion to a man who thinks he's entitled to an adventure, that's all. He's probably a bit addicted to the drama of it and after 20 years with one person, it all seems very exciting to have a woman telling him he's ace - especially one who isn't placing any demands on him.

But he'd ditch you in a heartbeat if it came to a choice. This isn't love - it's just availability, opportunity and timing.

Thanks for all your replies.

You have given me some food for thought, you are very harsh but also very honest so thank you.

'Your children don't have a decent, good man as a father.

Nor do they have a decent, good woman as a mother.'

Yes they have.

Can I ask what was the purpose of you starting this thread?

You seem to know what you are doing and what you want and you knew you would get the reaction you are getting, so what was the purpose?

If you are happy doing what you are doing I am not sure why you are seeking other peoples approval

Don't lie to your kids.

They WILL find out. If not from you they will find out from someone else's indiscretion. As will his kids. And tbh discovering that your mother or father had an affair is bad enough, but the thing that hurts the most is when you realise they they lied to you. That's when you feel betrayed. That's when you are dragged into their sordid affair, when you realise that they also lied to you.

You might not breathe a word about any affair, but someone will. This situation will not last forever. She will find out. She may already suspect. Just ask those who found out about their unfaithful partners, ask them how they knew. Most had an inkling before it was discovered.

I wasnt seeking approval I was asking opinions

Opinions on what to do I suppose, I know I need to stop, but if only it were as simple as stopping seeing him and 'finding someone single'

He has been in my life for almost a year and I have more feelings for him than I ever did my husband. Separating from him was a breeze compared to how I would feel if it were to end with this man now.

I got the opinions and it has given me food for thought, none of the things that has been said hasnt already gone through my mind (apart from the bit about my husband not being a good father, I dont agree with that, he is an excellent father, just because he has done things that some dont agree with, doesnt make him a bad father)

Some have said that they dont believe that he has not done it before or would again, but I know him. You may say the same about me, but I have not done this before and most definitely wouldnt again.

But you HAVE done this before.

Your OP says - met someone else which gave me the kick to leave last year

This is the second time you have "done this before."