Marriage breakup, an affair, what a mess :-(

[onlyjustgettingby]

My marriage broke up at the end of last year, after years of me being unhappy.

My husband had several affairs during our marriage and by the end I not only didnt fancy him any more, but I lost all respect for him, I met someone else which gave me the kick to leave last year (I didnt leave for the other person, I just knew that it was the end)

I met someone else in March this year, we clicked immediately and the sparks were literally flying all over the place. We have been seeing each other ever since and have fallen head over heals for each other.

I dont want to move in with anyone else, I dont want the kids to have another father figure (they have a Dad) I am happy keeping my relationship completely separate from the kids.

And this is where it gets dirty.. he has a wife and 3 kids. He has a nice life and he loves his kids, and he loves his wife too.

He doesnt want to leave and I dont want him to leave, but we seem to be falling for each other further and further.

I cant imagine life without him, I dont want to live without him in my life, I feel like he is my soulmate and I think that one day we will be together.

I know that what we are doing is very wrong and I know that I will get completely flamed, but I dont know what else to do.. I cant funtion without knowing that he is in my life somewhere. We have ended things several times because 'its the right thing to do' but then we miss each other so much that we always get drawn back together again.

I would really appreciate some advice. I know the usual, and what we 'should' be doing, but we have tried that and it doesnt work :-(

X posted with larry

I don't get the impression from OP that she wants anything to change. Perhaps she wanted someone to say that it's all so difficult when you're so in 'love' with someone that you can't bear the thought of walking away.
Most men would say this who are doing what he is and want to carry on.

I also get the impression that she likes the thought that she is the exciting part of his life while his wife gets to 'don the pinny' - her 'figure of speech', not mine.
Conceited? Much?!

What did she want affirmation of? That it's all fine as long as no one finds out?

She said above that the thought of thinking about his wife 'scares the hell out of her'.
That's because she doesn't want to consider anyone else's feeling but her own.

If she wanted advice, she's had it in bucket loads but when push comes to shove she probably wouldn't want him for the fear that he would do the same to her. She is in a bubble that she is making him happy when his wife doesn't and not 'wrecking homes and lives' - which is ironic as in that's exactly what they are both doing to his wife and family.
Time will be her answer.

Not all OW (or OM) are dirty slappers who set out to wreck homes and destroy lives, in fact I would go as far as to say very few of them would be, I mean why would you do that?

You tell us. I honestly think you are deluded. Every time you have sex with someone else's husband you are setting out to destroy lives. It's not good enough to say you don't mean to.

mincepies you have goaded people into giving their names with the accusation that they wouldn't say these things irl. then you clearly demonstrate why it was a mistake to do so. Make up your bloody mind! You can't have it all ways.

The OP's latest posts aren't worth the time of day to respond to, but what a seriously creepy post from minced pies!

I think it's you that needs to step away from the internet minced if you spend your time asking people to identify themselves and then look them up and post about it.

You tell other posters to get a life? Jeez, just can't imagine what yours is like to feel the need to do those things....very disturbed.

what do you want OP, for the love of all things, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Mincepies - I am not dim or bitchy - on here or in RL but if I posted as the OP did, I would expect a wide variety of opinions and advice and she has had those.

Maybe she didn't get the ones that she wanted. Of course, people will be angry and others will simply tell the truth based on the information she's given!

You advised her to remind him that he has a wife.

She knows he has a wife.

He knows he has a wife.

She thinks by being the OW, she is in control.
He has the control, for now.
He has them both on a string. As I said before, he's getting all the cake and she needs to put him on a diet!

"we know that we are doing wrong and we have talked about a future together, but keep coming to the same conclusion that we just cant at the moment, perhaps never."

So you are both more than happy to go on deceiving his wife, who at the moment, and for possibly years to come, is going to be living a lie, thinking she is married to a good, honest man, when she is not. A good man, doing a bad thing, would not carry on doing that bad thing, if he apparently loved his wife.

If either of you had any decency, you would either end it, or show some courage and be together properly. Do not pretend like you are making a sacrifice, and living the hard choice for the good of his wife, who may well, as you tell it, end up years down the line, older, with her children all left home, and then have her husband leave, once she has done the job of bringing up the children. How is that fair on her. You and him are getting to make all the decisions and plans in this, while she gets to be lied to for years, made a fool of, then have the rug pulled from under her.

You are justifying this all, by basing it on how well you understood your ex's reasons for shagging around, however you managed to convince yourself there was a justifiable excuse for it.

Yes indeed mince, that is me. Feel free to do what you think is appropriate with that information. I am sure you are aware of the laws in place to protect me against harassment.

And I am sure you will trust me when I say I will use them if I have to.

What an odd person you are.

"BTW you gave your "real name" yesterday. I wonder if you are the family lawyer in your city with that name? Whoops!"
OMG

Mincepies that is appalling!!!!
Is that what happens on here now? Posters are told to give their real names or lose credibility then googled and outed!!!!
Surely this goes against the whole ethos of MN being an ANONYMOUS forum!!!

I am not bothered, but I can see some people would be.

But it does make me look at someone very suspiciously if they chose to operate by 'outing' people if they disagree with them.

I can't help but interpret this as some kind of threat by mince which is very sad for her. She needs to chose her victims more carefully.

Mincepies, why on earth would you do that???

How odd and disturbing.

Well there you go. I hate to say it but I did say it was a bad idea to give out real names because some loser will take you up on it.

Was it Mincepies who suggested people give out their names?

I think Mince, old pal, mate, chum, dear you have just demonstrated how "dim and bitchy" some posters can be.

What I have told the OP is the truth. It is reality. Not the fairytale that she wanted to hear. I have given her my time and I have drawn from personal experience.

None of that is attacking the OP. She does not want to nor will she leave this married man. That is the truth.

mincepies, there's nothing else anyone could say to you dear. Apart from, perhaps, you have been reported?

Just a quick post to say I didn't goad anyone into saying who they were in RL. I suggested that people would not be quite so quick to use offensive language in RL if their identity was known.

One person- was it karma?- said she was happy to say who she was. Whether she gave her real name and location is not my doing- she wrote the post and there certainly wasn't any " threat" or victimisation FGS!

And as for the "other person" - who may or may not be who she says she is, she posted this info quite freely- no gun to her head!- I didn't have to do any searching. I know the city and it's a high profile company. Her choice. No one made anyone say who they were, so stop being so silly.

Don't report her on my behalf. I would be interested to see how far she is going to take this. Maybe report me to social services? Now, that would be interesting.

Spero- you outed yourself. Get the logic right please. You are not a victim -you chose to give a name and location- bold as brass. So don't blame anyone else except yourself if you now think it was a mistake.

at the stupidity of that

'Are you X - you know, the type of person that fucking with could have serious real life implications for me? Oops'

"Can I remind a few of you that I am an actual person, with feelings."

:o

Coming from you, that is really fucking laughable.

You know who is an actual person with real feelings?

The woman whose marriage you are hoping to destroy.

You know who else?

The three little children whose family you are intentionally fucking about with

You are doing real, actual tangible damage to four blameless people, and you think you are all hard done by because some people on the Internet call you out for being selfish, deluded and not very nice?

"Having learned from my H side years later about his feelings, and why he did what he did, only made me understand more."

Like I said, this all squares the circle for you, doesn't it?

Except this man isn't your ex. And this isn't the same kind of affair, as you tell it.

Your ex was a philanderer, he cheated on you repeatedly. He wouldn't have stopped because he didn't want to be faithful to you.

The man you are with now loves his wife. He is lying to himself as much as he is to you and his wife.

Of course he had to tell you be loved you - as karma pointed out, his self-image of himself as a good man requires him to love you because he's fucking you.

That doesn't make it real.

Same with the bullshit about how he might leave to be with you.

You've seen other posters say that if he was a decent man he'd leave his marriage for you. He buys that too - that if this is some big love story, it makes it OK to cheat on his wife.

But he stopped well short of doing it.

Because he doesn't want to.

And when the affair comes out (and this kind always does) his self-image will take a battering, because real people in his life whose opinions he values (such as his wife, his parents, her parents) will see him as many of us see him - as a selfish prick who risked his family for a cheap shag.

And the only way to regain their good opinion will be to disavow his relationship with you, to see it unadorned with secrecy and excitement, but just the ugly, selfish hurtful indulgence that it is.

And reasonably quickly you will be nothing to him.

MincePies,, you deserve a permanent ban for that seriously weird and disturbing little stunt you just pulled. Could everyone on this thread report her, please. I don't care whose "side" anyone is on....what she has done is threatening and not to be tolerated by any of us

I don't think Spero was saying shes a victim! Quite the opposite!

It's still out of line mince and I am sure I'm not the only one who has reported you for it!

Maybe the OP doesn't want her kid's knowing about Daddy's affair as they will think the same about her as him. She might not be cheating on anyone but she is still behaving in a disgusting manner.

Dear Mince - I gave you my name to reassure you that I don't say what I say behind the cloak of anonymity. You then chose to google me and post your findings on the Internet.

Why on earth would you do that if it were not an attempt to alarm me?

I shall be watching you with interest from now on. Perhaps I might also have the courtesy of your real name and address?

Do pm me if you would rather not post on here.

Spero is amazing.

I already knew she was a family lawyer, she is quite open about it.

Mincepies is just making herself look dim and vindictive.

It's pretty funny that she thinks she is some crusader against bullies.