Marriage breakup, an affair, what a mess :-(

[onlyjustgettingby]

My marriage broke up at the end of last year, after years of me being unhappy.

My husband had several affairs during our marriage and by the end I not only didnt fancy him any more, but I lost all respect for him, I met someone else which gave me the kick to leave last year (I didnt leave for the other person, I just knew that it was the end)

I met someone else in March this year, we clicked immediately and the sparks were literally flying all over the place. We have been seeing each other ever since and have fallen head over heals for each other.

I dont want to move in with anyone else, I dont want the kids to have another father figure (they have a Dad) I am happy keeping my relationship completely separate from the kids.

And this is where it gets dirty.. he has a wife and 3 kids. He has a nice life and he loves his kids, and he loves his wife too.

He doesnt want to leave and I dont want him to leave, but we seem to be falling for each other further and further.

I cant imagine life without him, I dont want to live without him in my life, I feel like he is my soulmate and I think that one day we will be together.

I know that what we are doing is very wrong and I know that I will get completely flamed, but I dont know what else to do.. I cant funtion without knowing that he is in my life somewhere. We have ended things several times because 'its the right thing to do' but then we miss each other so much that we always get drawn back together again.

I would really appreciate some advice. I know the usual, and what we 'should' be doing, but we have tried that and it doesnt work :-(

Wish I had a mince pie - all this talk of having cake has made me hungry.

I think the gist of most of the posts was pointing towards this point though (about her becoming unhappy) but she didn't seem to think it would hurt anyone.

Have to go sleep now and dream of mince pies, cakes - I'll be munching in my sleep.......

Anger and misery stoking? so would I if I was in a wrong place, that's what you do isnt it?

I would try not to. I would try to het myself out of that place, rather than spreading it around. And if 100s of people were all telling me the same thing, I would like to think I would listen.

Spero, hopefully she will listen and not repeat AGAIN (thats for you OP in a kind way). It doesn't make her a bad person, it makes her repeat bad patterns.

I have my bets on her getting herself together and not going back there.

What do you recon OP!!!!!!!

xxx

It's an interesting debate... But frankly when a person goes on and on repeating the same bad pattern, I will reserve the right to call them a bad person. As Aristotle said - we are what we repeatedly do.

I hope that isn't the case for the op, I hope she framed her posts in such a way to provoke a response she could use to kickstart her out of there. We just don't know. But we have to call it as we see it, we can't start second guessing other people's motives or state of mental health, then we are just layering on more opaqueness.

If I am acting like a selfish tit, I want people to tell me.

opaqueness is a great word is that transparent with a difference? sort of finer? see through even?

Lol or even opaquency as in transparency

opaque is the opposite of transparent

"To be able to operate in the world of loving your wife and wanting a bit on the side is a mysoginistic way to go. Its self entitled stuff that makes me want to kick his head in "

But women including you enable this, Clipped! That African American Steve Harvey wrote a book on 'how to understand men' or sommat. [I have long given up. You can't understand selfishness and disrespecting other people in order to run away from yourself]. - 'Why do men cheat?'

It was his SECOND REASON: because there are always women who are there to help us (and it wasn't said with love and respect by the way)

If people like you and Onlyjust didn't make yourselves available to people who are actually UNAVAILABLE TO YOU, they wouldn't do it!

Think opaque tights! Nothing less than 40 denier I think...

Perhaps if the OP actually wore opaque tights and kept them on this would never have happened?

What gets me about this whole sorry affair is that there is a wife out there, possibly even a Mumsnetter, whose husband is a dirty rotten lying cheat. Her life as she is living it, is not real. When he says he loves her, he doesn't.

He is lying every time he meets the OP. He is lying to her and to his kids by this pretence of a happy family. And the kids will find out and the lies will damage them. It always does.

I said about 10 pages ago that I was leaving this thread and I didnt expect it to carry on so far as it has.

I dont know why I am replying again really, maybe to make myself feel better, maybe to put a few points straight.

When I left the thread, I apologised for upsetting anyone, I had also apologised in an earlier post. I dont understand how or why anyone thinks that I have posted to gloat, or that I dont care. It seems that there are a few very angry posters who have taken what I have said completely out of context to its actual meaning.

Can I remind a few of you that I am an actual person, with feelings. I am not a skank and I am not a nasty evil person.

I am a person who has made a choice, which in a lot of peoples eyes was not a good one. I am not proud of what has happened and if I could turn back time I would do things very differently.

The fact that I have 'had this done to me' and am now 'doing this to someone else' does not make this worse, in my opinion. Having learned from my H side years later about his feelings, and why he did what he did, only made me understand more. I now know how he actually felt and I know that whilst you can control your feelings to a certain extent, sometimes your feelings take over and you can 'lose the plot' for a while, perhaps long enough for deeper feelings to take over, perhaps not, who am I, or any of you to say what feelings are 'real' and what feelings arent?

I think the fact that the thread has now gone so silly 'perhaps if the OP had worn tights this wouldnt have happened' that sort of comment just goes to show the complete lack of understanding as to how someone could have got themselves in this position. Not all OW (or OM) are dirty slappers who set out to wreck homes and destroy lives, in fact I would go as far as to say very few of them would be, I mean why would you do that?

I said in ONE post that I wasnt thinking about his W. That doesnt mean that I dont care, it means that it scares the hell out of me to think of her and what this would do to her if she knew.

And it hurts me to think of anyone thinking of him as this awful, selfish pig. He isnt. He is a good man doing something not so good. I didnt meet him online, he is not some player looking out for a good time.

As another poster pointed out, we havent committed murder, we know that we are doing wrong and we have talked about a future together, but keep coming to the same conclusion that we just cant at the moment, perhaps never. HE was the one who told me he loved me, he had no reason to do that, he didnt need to lie to me to keep me. I am not some silly little girl who has had her head turned by a womaniser. We both know that we need to end this and I am sure that we will find a way, but as I said before, if it were so easy to 'walk away' then one of us would have done it months ago.

Anyway, this really is my last post, I think it is a real shame that this couldnt have been a sensible debate/discussion, and its a shame that some people think that name calling and nastiness is the answer (its a good job im not suicidal, some of you could easily have given me that last push)

I hope that the thread can either now stop, or perhaps some sensible contributions might be added, as I am 100% certain that I am not the only person reading this to be in the situation that I am.

Thanks once more to all the contributers and again my apologies if I have upset anyone, it certainly wasnt intentional.

You don't understand anything about suicide and suicidal feelings and you should be ashamed of that comment.

You don't understand anything about suicide and suicidal feelings and you should be ashamed of that comment

You know nothing about me and I know a lot more about suicide, depression and everything that goes with it than I would ever give you the time of day to explain.

That comment was a very valid one, possibly the most valid in the post, some posters on here seem to forget that these are real people posting on here.

Please dont belittle things just because you dont like me.

OP I am really sorry that you have had some of the comments you've had here. I'm afraid this IMO is MN at its worst- pack mentality, bullying, people hiding behind user-names to say things in language they wouldn't, I assume, in RL.

It's not that far removed from stoning an adulter - but verbally instead- yet we are supposed to be a civilised country.

To give you some constructive comments:

If you want this man as more than just a fling, do you really think that will happen? He has said he doesn't want to leave his wife.

You need to be honest with YOU.

Your posts say that you have deep and strong feelings- and he says he has. I think it is perfectly possible to love 2 people. But you can only live with one. he has made his choice and doesn't appear to want to change it.

Where does that leave you? Having the crumbs of the left overs.

If this is what you want, then fine. If you want to hang on in there and hope he will leave her, fine.

But the chances of it happening are - statistically- against that.

It is more likely that you will be brought down to earth with a huge crash either when she finds out, or he changes his mind about you.

If the situation hurts now, then it's nothing to how you will feel when it's over- on his terms.

You CAN bring this to an end if you want to. He won't. Why should he? he has an insurance policy- his family.

I'd also take his declarations of love with a pinch of salt- men often say love when they mean lust.

If you really want to end it, then you have 2 options- cold turkey or gradual withdrawal.

Stop talking or texting so much, don't meet him for sex, don't be so available,
gradually distance yourself.

Remind him he has a wife.

If you really care for him then you should want the best for him- that means he stays with his family and gives his kids a stable home.

If he doesn't want his wife any more then he has to move out, give himself some space, and then maybe think of starting something with you.

You can end this- if you want to. It won't be easy, but on balance it is probably the least painful outcome for you all.

Good luck.

Sorry OP but bullshit.

How about you stop for a minute to look around you. You posted a thread about how you were the other woman. Not once have you said that you are going to try and stop what you are doing.

You posted that on Mumsnet, a forum full of women and mothers. You must have seen all the threads about affairs. You must have known that a fair few women on here have been cheated on and left heartbroken. Only a hard hearted person would post what you have done in such a forum.

Yes you apologised. But you have received some heartfelt responses on here (myself included in that) from people who had taken the time to read your posts thoroughly and give replies.

You haven't bothered to address many of the points raised.

You haven't said why you posted on here - you certainly haven't said you are going to try and stop seeing him so what exactly was the point of this thread?

This is why people say you are gloating, because there seems to be no point to your posts. You say you wanted advice but for what? Because you sure as hell haven't taken any.

Not once have you said that you want to stop this affair. Not once. Instead you keep going on about how people can't help it. Again, shunning off that responsibility.

So the whole thread was about how you were once married, it didn't work, you are now in a relationship with a married man, you can't help it, everyone is a good person and you have no intention of stopping.

That's how your posts have come across.

And you wonder why this thread got heated? There are also real people on here who are left devastated after affairs. Who are still suffering from real heartbreak. Who are left to pick up the pieces and ask why. And you dare to come on and post all that crap?

Your apology does nothing.

Oh right it's love!! Something he never felt for his wife (oh hang on a second except he says he does) that makes all the hurt lies and betrayal fine...

Please how many stupid OW have fallen for the 'I can't leave my wife' line? You seriously think you are any different to all the others? You are not. You are just another woman making excuses to justify her selfish behavior.

Even if he eventually leaves the wife either when he has destroyed every fibre of love and joy in he marriage due to his (and your) selfish actions or if she finds out and he has no choice but you do you think you are any different. You think he will treat you better in the long run?

How do you have any respect for this lying cheating selfish hit or your self?

Hard to walk away when you are flat on you back legs akimbo.

onlyjustgettingby "You know nothing about me and I know a lot more about suicide, depression and everything that goes with it than I would ever give you the time of day to explain.

That comment was a very valid one, possibly the most valid in the post, some posters on here seem to forget that these are real people posting on here.

Please dont belittle things just because you dont like me."

I don't "not like you", I don't know you. I don't care about you.

I care about people being told that they are or could be responsible for someone they don't even know taking their own life; it's not even threatening suicide, as you sort of half-did earlier (which didn't get the desired response), so instead it's this silly "IF I was suicidal THEN you'd be responsible for me killing myself".

If you do as you say "know a lot about suicide and depression" then it is beyond belief that you would post something as wrong as that. Stop blaming other people for the horrible things you do and the terrible, selfish choices you make.

Sircliff can you actually read- and comprehend? In her latest post, the OP said this:

We both know that we need to end this and I am sure that we will find a way, but as I said before, if it were so easy to 'walk away' then one of us would have done it months ago.

THAT is what she is asking for help with- walking away.

Go for a long walk or something and get rid of your anger- you sound out of control TBH to be so upset at something on an anon forum.

She isn't walking away love.

She hasn't asked for help with that. She said that she is sure they will find a way. She hasn't asked any of us for help with that. She's just making excuses.

And if I sound out of control dear, can I just ask if you've read the rest of Mumsnet? Or even some of the responses on this thread? The hysterical rants at other posters?

If the OP doesn't like being told the truth then she can always go back to live in Fairyland, because what I have said is nothing. It's just a dose of reality.

Don't " love" or "dear" me. I an neither of those to you, so don't try to patronise.

You need to get a life. Attacking some woman on a forum like you have ( and yes there are others who do the same) says more about you.

You clearly can't comprehend what she said so you are dim as well as bitchy.

Onlyjust,

I think this thread shows how hypocritical many are. How can someone accuse you of being a "nasty person" whilst perpetrating the kind of bile that you have been subjected to? Talk about pots and kettles. There are some truly nasty and bitter people on here who have not worked through their own issues. Equally, no one should comment on your or your Ex husband's parenting. There are plenty of people with messy relationship histories who are wonderful parents. That depends on their ability to deal with things as adults and put their children first, rather than being entirely egocentric and believing that their own feelings trump their children's. From your own posts regarding your ex, it sounds like you have acted maturely and unselfishly in that context.

Having said that....

I think you are deliberately ignoring realities that many are telling you. You describe your relationship in some posts as effectively a convenient arrangement based on good sex and conversation but in others you characterise it as a Shakesperean tragedy, where the star crossed lovers cannot escape their eventual fate. The problem is your relationship is neither of the above. You have invested far too much into it for it to be merely "friends with benefits" yet you have zero commitment to one another. You have to think how it might end and how you would feel/react if it were to. If it fizzles out, all well and good. What if you were to be walked in on in a restaurant for instance (it can happen however "careful" you are) or if a text were intercepted? How would you cope with being blamed for a messy separation? Equally, if your lover were to cut you off suddenly, which is quite likely really given his feelings of guilt, would you cope as well as you think you would or would you actually be devastated? You need to try to imagine these things happening for real and how you would manage.

Whilst, I don't believe in any of the judgments being made about you, I do actually think the best thing for all concerned would be to end it on your own terms and sooner rather than later. You are not Romeo and Juliet. If your lover actually left his wife and declared undying love for you, my suspicion is your overriding emotion would be panic rather than euphoria.

She is not asking for help with walking away. She has said she knows what to do but they have tried it and it's not working.

The only thing she is seeking is validation of her choice to stay and it was pointed out v early on that would not be forthcoming anyway.

O dear mince pies, you are hurling yourself from the moral high ground with great force...

It is possible to disagree with someone without being automatically 'dim and bitchy'.

OP, when he says he loves you, has it occurred to you that he is lying to himself , to feel better about what he is doing. Some people tend to think that if they are 'in love' it justifies any amount of shitty behaviour to the people they have previously made commitments to. As if 'true love' is more important than any other thing and so the end justifies the means. Therefore it rather suits him to spin it to himself, as well as to you that this is based on something real.

You are not fucking Romeo and Juliet here - you are two people who have decided to embark on a sleazy affair and are attempting to make it seem okay by pretending like you are star crossed lovers, unable to be together.

You are not able to be together because he has this pesky little inconvenience of a wife and 3 kids and ultimately doesn't want to be with you if it will cost him those people.