Marriage breakup, an affair, what a mess :-(

[onlyjustgettingby]

My marriage broke up at the end of last year, after years of me being unhappy.

My husband had several affairs during our marriage and by the end I not only didnt fancy him any more, but I lost all respect for him, I met someone else which gave me the kick to leave last year (I didnt leave for the other person, I just knew that it was the end)

I met someone else in March this year, we clicked immediately and the sparks were literally flying all over the place. We have been seeing each other ever since and have fallen head over heals for each other.

I dont want to move in with anyone else, I dont want the kids to have another father figure (they have a Dad) I am happy keeping my relationship completely separate from the kids.

And this is where it gets dirty.. he has a wife and 3 kids. He has a nice life and he loves his kids, and he loves his wife too.

He doesnt want to leave and I dont want him to leave, but we seem to be falling for each other further and further.

I cant imagine life without him, I dont want to live without him in my life, I feel like he is my soulmate and I think that one day we will be together.

I know that what we are doing is very wrong and I know that I will get completely flamed, but I dont know what else to do.. I cant funtion without knowing that he is in my life somewhere. We have ended things several times because 'its the right thing to do' but then we miss each other so much that we always get drawn back together again.

I would really appreciate some advice. I know the usual, and what we 'should' be doing, but we have tried that and it doesnt work :-(

Of course the man is an arsehole. Who has said anything else?

But I can't see any hint of sadness in the op's posts - other than sadness for herself. She explicitly says she doesn't think about the wife and she simply denies that any children will ever find out and suffer. Which is bonkers. How on earth can she know that?

And yes, I think he's a prick too but she is just enabling him to be.

I agree with the above comments.

I'm sorry OP but you are contradictory in your remarks and sadly, slightly delusional in terms of how you view your relationship with this man.

My hubby and I were married to other people when we met, we became friends and an attraction grew.

We agreed we wanted to be together, left our respective partners and cautiously pursued a relationship together.

I say cautiously as we were aware that our marriages were failing before we even met each other but we both had children to think of and jumping from one relationship to the next (particularly after a bad relationship) can leave you with emotional baggage.

Bottom line, if he loved you he would leave his wife. Yes, there would be complications but he would do it.

the OP said she wanted to kill herself ?

I must have missed that.

She did not say she wanted to kill herself in terms, she said something like, if you had ever felt suicidal about something like this you wouldn't say blah, blah, blah. The trouble with this is it came shortly on the heels of how she wasn't some woman in a pinny, she was an equal participant in the hot sexy luvvin... so it seemed rather a massive contradiction.

Along with the - its all cool, its all fine, I have a life of my own BUT I think about him 24/7 and I can't stop.

The contradictions are so massive and so repetitive, I do feel a bit sorry for her. But what do you do? To collude is just to enable her. And I don't think that is a kind thing. Hopefully (if she is real) some of what has been said will penetrate and she will get herself out of this toxic mess, get some help and hopefully find happiness and peace.

People who have affairs make me sick. It's just plain wrong.
At the end of the day, the adults can look after themselves. It's the kids who are caught in the crossfire that get hurt.
Women who go after married men, in my opinion are just vile.
He won't leave his wife for you, they rarely do. You're just being used.
I hope his little peanut widgy shrivels up and drops off.
I'm sorry OP but you won't get any sympathy off me. My dad had numerous affairs and my mum was left a shell of who she was.
I hope you do the right thing and walk away.

It was written in a throwaway comment sort of way as 'oh well I may as well just go and top myself for everyone's sake'.

I must have missed it, if the OP said she was sad, depressed or feeling suicidal over it.

what if she became suicidal? would you call her all the names under the sun as you have me, or would you be a friend to her?

Whether this was in the second party im not sure...

I am a uncomfortable with this whole 'the only perpetrator here is HIM' - isn't that pretty misogynistic in itself? So what are women - just helpless little bunnies, caught up in evil man's lust? Aren't we people with agency and choice? He couldn't be a cheating prick if someone else wasn't prepared to let him. So both share blame for chosing this situation.

and it certainly is a choice. Just because you FEEL like you really really want to shag someone doesn't mean you have to act on that feeling. Be honest with yourself - you did it because you wanted to, not because you had to.

She chose to post this. She chose to respond in frankly a gloating and unpleasant way. If she is now saying that she is suicidal, that is neither my fault or my responsibility.

well spero i suggest you fuck off

Can't be bothered to wiki disingenuous but it means, in my world, dishonest.

Can see why people are posting about the dh or extramarital dp here, but it wasn't he who posted was it.

OP why do you think so little of yourself?

As I thought, Op is not suicidal or even very bovved at all

Suggest away sweetie. I will go when I am ready.

Ok Clipped - she didn't sound like she was in any way sad about the situation. Sounded to me like she thinks she is having her cake and eating it.
HE IS HAVING ALL THE CAKE and I think everyone was just letting her know.
I'm off to bed now. If it was a friend of mine I would tell them to go find their self respect again and tell him where to go before his wife does that to him and he turns up on her doorstep and then the children will know!

It's worrying when people post threads practically asking for a flaming - it always makes me wary because I think that person must be emotionally fragile to want that sort if attention.

As you thought AF, really? you know do you?

Sometimes you need to wind your neck in, sometimes you aren't the guru you think you are.

I agree the whole thing smacks of 'any attention is better than none'.

it is sad when fragile and vulnerable people get hurt on the internet. And its not just the op I'm thinking of here.

Exactly aboutlastnight. you are spot on here.

clipped, I am going off OP's posts, which is all any of us can do

Im talking from a different agenda here hence me being very cross.

It might be best to stick to the agenda at hand, clipped

It might be better to actually read between the lines sometimes?

I did. I do. As did you. Different people see different things, as we keep affirming to each other and then you come out with a crack like "wind your neck in, you are not the guru you think you are".

When a woman is cross and defending is when i worry... When a woman is so wrapped up in supposed "love" is when i worry. Smacking her around the head is not the way to go.