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Original poster

So I've finally got the pension valuations and he's crying on the phone

215 replies

KirstyWirsty · 16/12/2012 18:28

Discovered STBXH's affair last new year .. Put him out and contacted a lawyer .. Got my own pension valuations by April .. Finally got his through last week

Our house was sold in August and DD and I have been living with my mum in a tiny house for the last 4 months .. I am desperate to get my own place

So the finances are being split 50/50 and he has £16k that he owes me off of his half of the house equity as his pension is worth much more than mine. And he was crying on the phone saying that if he fives me the £16k it will mean he won't be able to buy a house in as good an area for our DD7.. My mum thinks it is just emotional blackmail

He said that I earn more than him but he has more potential for promotion and is 4 years younger and so could take a mortgage over a longer period

Any views on this? He always makes me feel as though I am being unreasonable

OP posts:
Lueji · 20/01/2013 18:47

I didn't mean that it should count.
On the contrary.

That you should wait to see if your STBXH claims it or not. Then argue your points and only agree if you have no choice, really.

Original poster
KirstyWirsty · 20/01/2013 19:21

I misunderstood lueji

I think if I just get myself out of the limbo I am in at mums then it will send a message that I am prepared to wait it out .. Rather than being desperate for him to sort it out

I need to get DD and I our own space

OP posts:
Jux · 20/01/2013 20:34

It's not worth throwing in the towel and getting a solicitor who specialises in family law, and who has teeth?

Original poster
KirstyWirsty · 20/01/2013 20:48

jux my solicitor is a barrister who specialises in family law!

OP posts:
BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 20/01/2013 20:50

I'm not sure I have the right end of the stick here, Kirsty, is your solicitor actually a partner in corporate law?

If so, that throws up a few issues-

  1. She's probably working 12 hours a day on her normal job anyway
  2. She's probably very expensive; and if she's charging mate's rates, is she covered by her professional indemnity insurance?
  3. Unless she often does her friends' divorces, she probably hasn't done any family law since her training contract, 10-15 years ago maybe?

I'd be very wary...especially if it's getting complex with pensions etc.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 20/01/2013 20:51

Oh, sorry, xpost, I thought you said corporate above?

Original poster
KirstyWirsty · 20/01/2013 21:01

No my friend is a corporate lawyer .. She recommended her lawyer who is a barrister in family law

Sorry for the confusion!

OP posts:
Jux · 21/01/2013 08:05

Blush clearly I wasn't reading properly.

drizzlecake · 21/01/2013 13:50

Can you get out and start finding a life for yourself. Can DD not be babysat by GPs.
This is the start of the rest of your life, start looking ahead.
No doubt DD is fed up too but make it clear it's not your doing.

perfectstorm · 21/01/2013 14:28

I'd send one final email to the wanker.

I'd state that you are no longer prepared to subject DD to the impermanence of being a guest at her GP and that you need the money released within 2 weeks. Failing that you will be renting a flat and seeking a 60/40 split as orginally advised by your solicitor, to better reflect your respective childcare responsibilities and future earning potential. You only ever agreed to a disadvantageous split in order to expedite the matter in DD's interests, but as he now appears willing to drag the process out in order to force what can only be described as a grossly inequitable division (which would leave you unable to provide DD with an acceptable primary residence, his indifference to which appals you) you feel the additional living and legal expenses he is forcing you into leave you with no choice but to return to the 60/40 split you were first advised was your entitlement.

PS: Dear STBX, you are a cock.

perfectstorm · 21/01/2013 14:33

And Kirsty I am so, so sorry. What he did to you was shitty, but to try to deprive his own child of a decent place to live, because you're a greedy fucktard who thinks he should get whatever he wants and screw anyone else, even his own child, in the process... that's horrifying.

You offered a more than generous 50/50, given you're taking primary responsibility for the child of the marriage, and yet he doesn't see why you, the wife he betrayed - and his own child - shouldn't subsidise his living above his means?! Unbelievable, has he no shame?

You've done well to jettison the creep. That's all I can say. And I would, personally, rent that flat and get the extra money. Let him pay for the legal fees indirectly, if he wants to try to bully you this way.

perfectstorm · 21/01/2013 14:34

Meep, sorry, I was so enraged I got my tenses muddled! HE, obviously, is the greedy fucktard here.

Original poster
KirstyWirsty · 21/01/2013 14:47

Drizzle I have a life .. I've got a very nice new man and lots of lovely friends

Perfectstorm I am trying to get hold of my solicitor to check that I will get 60/40 and then I am planning on doing that very thing!

I am fed up with my life being in limbo because of him and he is going to be controlling this no more!! Grin

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 21/01/2013 16:03

Good for you!

Sorry to get so ranty, I was just - what an ARSE!

Hope your solicitor agrees. "I want" shall have to be his master, as my Granny used to say. Grin.

Original poster
KirstyWirsty · 21/01/2013 16:07

"I want doesn't get" was my gran's Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
KirstyWirsty · 22/01/2013 22:54

Got this from my solicitor today

Dear KW

SEPARATION

I refer to the above and to your call to the office yesterday. I am due to be out at court for the next few days.

I confirm that I have had a request from your husband?s solicitors who appear to think that there was an error in the valuation that was provided to them by your company . There was not an error. I also told them the date your contributions commenced and explained the apportionment I had carried out. I did not initially provide them with a copy of the covering letter from Your company as it made reference to your earlier pension and I was trying simply to exclude any reference to that albeit we had disclosed it existed.

They appear however to be content to restrict their claim to the pension that was during the period of the marriage and on that basis I have now faxed them over a copy of the covering letter which confirms the date that you started your pension contributions as detailed in my letter to them of 10th December and therefore they should now be able to satisfy themselves about the apportionment. I am unclear as to why they think the valuation was wrong but it appears that your husband has indicated to them that there was an error in the valuation.

Kind regards,

Yours sincerely

Your solicitor

Hopefully this will be agreed soon!! The flat I liked has been taken so maybe fate and this is all going to be sorted

OP posts:
Original poster
KirstyWirsty · 22/01/2013 22:56

Also had confirmation from another family lawyer ( another friend of a friend) that my solicit is correct re pensions although they don't seem to be wanting to go down that path thankfully

OP posts:
Jux · 23/01/2013 08:06

Your solicitor sounds good, and quite determined. I suspect that privately the other solicitors are a bit fed up with your dh, except every query he has means more dosh for them.

Hope you get your 60/40 split, and it all ends soon. There's only so much your ex can mess about with in the face of an opposing solicitor who won't take any shit before he risks being simply vexatious.

Original poster
KirstyWirsty · 23/01/2013 08:10

Jux I am still happy to take 50/50 .. am not wanting the hassle - just want it sorted and to be able to move on with my life

Fingers crossed that is the last quibble and it can be tied up soon .. then I can divorce the dickhead!

OP posts:
Lueji · 23/01/2013 12:19

fingers crossed too. :)

ZenNudist · 23/01/2013 19:50

I'm assuming that the pension valuation was done by an expert acting for you and ex jointly. This expert valuation is binding except in the case of fraud or manifest error. As there is no fraud then the only way your ex's sol can challenge is on the grounds of error. Even if it's not true it can be a delaying tactic which in the case of your ex allows him to a)keep his cash for longer and b)give him another chance to strong arm you into accepting less. If I were you I'd up my demands to 60/40 and still try and settle out if court. There is a reason why you are entitled to it! But I can see you are determined to just get it over & done with which is very good of you.

Original poster
KirstyWirsty · 23/01/2013 21:44

Zen he doesn't have the money .. The equity from the house is sitting with the conveyancing solicitor until the settlement is agreed

OP posts:
Original poster
KirstyWirsty · 23/01/2013 21:56

Zen he doesn't have the money .. The equity from the house is sitting with the conveyancing solicitor until the settlement is agreed

OP posts:
Original poster
KirstyWirsty · 23/01/2013 21:56

Oops!

OP posts:
Jux · 24/01/2013 08:18

On 30th December you said "I will give him til a week tomorrow" and then you would go for 60/40. With men like this you need to treat them like toddlers and carry out your threats.

At the moment he thinks that whatever you say will just be bluster, and that you won't do it, so he can safely ignore. Show him he's wrong.