So I've finally got the pension valuations and he's crying on the phone

[KirstyWirsty]

Discovered STBXH's affair last new year .. Put him out and contacted a lawyer .. Got my own pension valuations by April .. Finally got his through last week

Our house was sold in August and DD and I have been living with my mum in a tiny house for the last 4 months .. I am desperate to get my own place

So the finances are being split 50/50 and he has £16k that he owes me off of his half of the house equity as his pension is worth much more than mine. And he was crying on the phone saying that if he fives me the £16k it will mean he won't be able to buy a house in as good an area for our DD7.. My mum thinks it is just emotional blackmail

He said that I earn more than him but he has more potential for promotion and is 4 years younger and so could take a mortgage over a longer period

Any views on this? He always makes me feel as though I am being unreasonable

What Izzy says.

OR: Don't be in such a hurry, KW. Change solicitors and go for 60/40.

I sent him the following email and I've included his last response at the end .. (this is the last response I've had as during yesterday he was being obtuse and acting as though he didn't know what I was talking about) ...

---

STBXH

I have given our telephone discussion on Sunday night some thought

I am entitled to 50% share of our marital assets. My solicitor wanted me to go for a 60/40 split as this is what a court would probably award but I wanted to keep it as 50/50.

We could have this sorted now based on a 50/50 split. Neither of us wants to have to pay solicitors more than we need to and would both rather the money was in our pockets. This is more than reasonable.

Can we please agree to go ahead and get this finalised by the first week in January in order for this to be moved forward.

KW

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He replied ...

I wouldn't be able to sustain paying such a difference, finding a decent place for DD and sustaining a decent quality of life for her. I'll definitely need to approach Strathclyde pension fund in light of the changes to the Scottish fire service as the pension will change considerably and not yield that return.

I'll get on it right away. There will also need to be other things to be included to conclude the minute of agreement which we will need to discuss.

---

The emotional blackmail about having to get DD a place in a good area is really getting on my nerves - We lived in one of the BEST streets in our very large town until he insisted that the house was sold!

He thinks that because the Fire Service is changing in Scotland that he should get his pension revalued? But surely the valution he got will not change as they do not have crystal balls? I am on a final salary pension myself and no doubt it will change?

I don't really want to go 60/40 but will threaten that to see if it an resolve matters sooner.

I really cannot stay with my mum longer - it is a very small house and we are both quite set in our ways .. If I'd known it was going to take this long I'd have rented!

KW It's all about him. If he really cared about DD's living conditions then he would settle quickly so that you and her could get a place. The guy is a bully and he's full of shite. All the stuff about pensions changing is a distraction.

Thanks LF I agree!

If you were having mild contractions I'd say stay up and mobilise but as you're not, def sleep or at least put your feet up. Baby will be here soon, good luck

I think you posted on the wrong thread Dilly

Kirsty not exactly the same situation but nearly the same twatish XH behaviour!

Kids and I are still in the family home, XH's name is still jointly on the mortgage. When we did our minute of separation we agreed that I would sell within 3 years, 60/40 split of the equity and in the mean time he no longer has any rights to occupy the house without my permission.

He agreed this with our lawyers....at great expense! But now he's pissed off that I don't want him spending time in the house so at every opportunity he tells the kids that's it's his house still and how unfair I'm being and how he would be perfectly entitled to enter the house any time he wants despite our legal agreement. He knows I'm going to sell as soon as I'm financially able to take on my own mortgage so WTF does he hope to gain by trying to push me out sooner? Does he really think it's in his DC's best interest to force me to sell now and have to rent rather than waiting another 6 months til I can buy? Surely he knows all this but he just can't help acting like a complete fuckmuppet about it all.

Hey yoga They really don't think of anyone but themselves do they??

I was glad that the house got sold .. One less tie to the twat .. Now if he would just agree the money I can be even further shot of him!!

And then I can divorce him!!

My divorce papers will be coming through just after new year - woo hoo!

Well haven't heard anything further from him on the subject so I am going to tell him today if he has not agreed by Friday then I am going for 60/40 and he will be £20k down before legal fees if that is the case

He is a coward and a bully and I just need to stand up to him .. Wish me luck!!!

He will probably say his solicitor is on holiday until some time nect month. TBH though I'm totally in agreement with your point of view here, and awful lot of "professional" people like solicitors close up for a full fortnight this time of year. So maybe make it a couple of days later so you can't be accused of unreasonableness?

Good luck Kirsty, keep strong

I will give him til a week tomorrow

go for it. He's pushed you to it. You were being more than fair. 60/40 in your favour it is. He's not putting your DD first, he's putting himself first.

Good luck Kirsty. Your ex is probably hoping you will back down in light of all hie emails and threats.
You are so right giving him a deadline--don't let him sway you otherwise. A week is enough, not a minute more and please do go for the 60/40 split. If not for you but for you DD

It was a year ago today that I found the proof of his affair ;a card written to his girlfriend declaring his undying love) it is somewhat poetic that it has come to this today

And tonight I am going away with my new man for a shagfest

yay! It's amazing how far you can come in a year.

Another year it will all be sorted.

Well he engineered to pick DD early and was in a rush to pick his sister up from the airport so didn't get a chance .. Will email tomorrow .. Off to aforementioned shag feat and so shall banish it from my mind for tonight

Good Luck Kirsty.

My sols said 50/50 is a starting point and that it's worked out from there depending on DC's, assets, pensions etc, so you are being more than fair with him. If it went to court chances are he would end up with less.

Sent the email today

STBXH

It has been a fortnight since you sent this email (saying he couldn't afford to pay me what I am owed) and I have not heard anything further from you

My pension is currently a final salary pension but that will be changing as well. The valuations are done as at time of separation and there will not be any change to refect unknown future events

You should be biting my hand off to take a 50/50 split - I don't see how you can hope to achieve any better than that and as I have explained if I was to go with my solicitor's advice I should be expecting to get 60%!

If I do not hear from you by Monday agreeing to the 50/50 split as proposed by my solicitor I will be taking her advice and will pursue the 60/40 split through the courts.

You will then be worse off as not only will you get a lower amount but you will also have increased lawyers fees to pay on top of that

What I have proposed is more than fair, minimises lawyers fees and allows us to move forward as quickly as possible

I await your response

KW

Itallics failure - oops!

Good letter! Let's hope he sees sense and actually has the maturity to engage with you now...

Nice email . Can't wait to see his response to it......

Lovely email that sets you in a perfect position for a large I Told You So later

Well he hasn't replied to the email - he phoned and left a voicemail (I didn't answer as he basically bullies me)

The jist of it was

Well there's no point in getting into emails back and forward .. the solicitors have been shut so he is not holding anything up .. My solicitor is suggesting 60/40 as she wants to go to court to get more money out of me and his solicitor has assured him that it doesn't work like that .. he doesn't like the threatening tone of the email and doesn't know what I hope to achieve!!!

I hope to get my 50% of the marital assets so that I can move out of my mum's!!! Why does it have to be so F**ing difficult???

Advice please before I respond??