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Original poster

So I've finally got the pension valuations and he's crying on the phone

215 replies

KirstyWirsty · 16/12/2012 18:28

Discovered STBXH's affair last new year .. Put him out and contacted a lawyer .. Got my own pension valuations by April .. Finally got his through last week

Our house was sold in August and DD and I have been living with my mum in a tiny house for the last 4 months .. I am desperate to get my own place

So the finances are being split 50/50 and he has £16k that he owes me off of his half of the house equity as his pension is worth much more than mine. And he was crying on the phone saying that if he fives me the £16k it will mean he won't be able to buy a house in as good an area for our DD7.. My mum thinks it is just emotional blackmail

He said that I earn more than him but he has more potential for promotion and is 4 years younger and so could take a mortgage over a longer period

Any views on this? He always makes me feel as though I am being unreasonable

OP posts:
Izzyschangelingisarriving · 17/12/2012 14:10

I think it is too long, short and not sweet is way to go, "please transfer the agree £16,000 by XXXX date - or I will have no option but to refer the matter for court action, where I will be seeking a 60/40 split".

louistheseventeenth · 17/12/2012 14:12

Possibly so, I don't know the legal practicalities of it all and if it is all signed nad sealed.

Your ex still seems to think you are in the negotiation part of the process, though...

I'm not sure that you can't say to him 'I've been thinking about your phonecall, and you know, the settlement may not be fair, I agree, you have made me realise I should be getting y not x '

Would at least buck his ideas up a bit.

queenofthepirates · 17/12/2012 14:16

May I suggest an alternative?

Dear STBXH

£16k is roughly enough to teach you to keep you bits in your trousers. Now pay up and quick, I have a holiday in Maldives to book with my fabulous new, younger and go-faster boyfriend.

Yours,

STBXW xxx

Busybusybust · 17/12/2012 14:41

Izzy's version is perfect. Absolutely no nonsense!

Anniegetyourgun · 17/12/2012 15:26

Gosh, that was a pretty basic blunder by your solicitor, Kirsty. I hope she's cheap.

Lovingfreedom · 17/12/2012 15:33

TBH it's got nothing to do with his infidelity and everything to do with a fair and reasonable split of matrimonial assets. Take or leave it...it's a fair offer and the best he's going to get. Or we'll go to court and who knows how they will rule/how much legal fees will eat into your assets...He really won't want to go to court...guarantee that. I'd give less indication that you're in a hurry tbh. He needs it at least as much as you do..prob more.

Original poster
KirstyWirsty · 17/12/2012 15:40

Annie she is a friend of a friend and has been 'worse than a man down' (according to my sister) .. apparently I'm getting a discount as a result of being a friend of her pal but then I'd rather she did her job and I could actually get hold of her without having to wait a fortnight!

*Lovingfreedom' Yes he wants to minimise using lawyers as much as possible .. also so he can try and browbeat me into things

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 17/12/2012 15:49

KW - 50% is really really reasonable (of you). He just can't expect to get any greater share of assets than that.

TBH I'd avoid talking or reasoning with him - he is being unreasonable. Someone wrote on another thread 'never excuse, never explain' and it's such good advice.

Why do you want the £16k? Not because he's been such a bad boy, not cos to punish him, not cos you don't care about your DD and where she lives....because it's part of your 50:50 agreed share...end of. He's a chancer and you're still being too nice to him (of course I mean that in the nicest possible way).

badcompany · 18/12/2012 20:10

Ahem.

I went for 50% of the ex twunts very generous public sector pension. I got it. I also went for (and got) just over 90% of the equity. Plus 15% child maintenance til our DD has finished uni in 5 years. And spousal maintenance (which I didn't particularly want but sol said the judge would almost certainly award it anyway).

It took two years and many visits to the sol before I finally got the consent order a few weeks ago. I was absolutely determined not to let him continue walking all over me the way he did during our long marriage.

When he broke down and cried in front of the mediator I advised the mediator to ignore it - because I had seen it all so many times before and my ex twunt is (by his own admission) a failed thespian.

Go for it OP.

fedupofnamechanging · 18/12/2012 20:33

badcompany, if I ever get divorced I am going to pm you. It's nice (and rare) to read on here of a woman actually getting what she is entitled to and not letting herself get screwed over by her ex!

Yogagirl17 · 18/12/2012 21:26

It's so hard Karma - I understand now why so many women walk away with less than they deserve because u just need it to be over.

CaHoHoHootz · 18/12/2012 21:30

I would do exactly as HandbagCrab suggests. It may be politer than your ex deserves but I think it is usually better to be as civil as possible.

maleview70 · 18/12/2012 21:55

It can work the other way too. My exw got all the equity in the house although not much at the time and I have paid £50,000 in maintainance over the last 15 years despite having our child 3 nights a week......she was the one who had the affair not me!

Maybe i shoulf have fought harder but In my opinion it's not all about shafting people in life. It's about standing on your own two feet, getting what's fair (as the 50/50 split is to the OP) an moving on.

There is nothing worse than having two parents hating each other for te rest of their lives for the child who had no part in the decision to split.

Your email is fine and to the point OP but don't carry the affair resentment around forever. It's not worth it and believe me there are plenty more fish in the sea.

VBisme · 18/12/2012 22:55

Jesus BC, you must have been really struggling to get that kind of payout, that effectively says that the judge thought you were completely incapable of getting a job and being financially independant.
It must have been an extreme case (or your ExH couldn't afford a solicitor) because spousal maintenance is very rare these days.
It teaches a lesson that all women (and men) should remain independant.

HisstletoeAndWhine · 18/12/2012 23:07

Hmm wtaf?

Izzyschangelingisarriving · 18/12/2012 23:41

If that's what you got I think it's simply wrong - no-one should be punished to that extent for leaving a relationship - short of child abusers, murders and rapists.

If he was any of those things I withdraw my comments.

fedupofnamechanging · 18/12/2012 23:54

Is spousal maintenance rare? Or is it a case of it being awarded when a woman or man has been a sahp to the financial benefit of the working parent and at significant cost to their own career?

Izzyschangelingisarriving · 19/12/2012 00:42

Its rare these days, according to the solicitor I spoke to.

sashh · 19/12/2012 08:59

Tell him the courts charge interest at 8% and you will be applying for the interest be added.

Next time he cried, hang up.

Yogagirl17 · 19/12/2012 09:12

My understanding is that spousal maintenance is still awarded but usually only up to a max of 3 years to allow the less financially independent partner to get back on their feet. Child maintenance is considered a separate issue. And (at least in Scotland) all financial arrangements are awarded on a "no fault" basis. So doesn't actually matter who had the affair or instigated the divorce, even if you have hard proof and want to go to court, money is awarded on basis of circumstances, need and potential future earnings.

Isabeller · 19/12/2012 09:44

"all old hat and irrelevant" ie any idea of you putting his feelings or interests anywhere on your list of priorities.

badcompany · 20/12/2012 15:19

Izzychangeling - actually if he had been ANY of those, I wouldn't have taken a penny no matter how hard things got.

However, perhaps it is helpful to know that despite being urged on many occasions by my sol and by me (in our rare moments of direct contact) the ex declined to seek legal advice. He thought that he could both wear me out and (in his narcissism) believed he could beat the legal system single-handedly.

He was wrong.

What I have actually spent £10,000 of my own money on (because yes, I am independent and entirely capable) in the last 2 years is making sure he kept to the 'promises' he made to me when I discovered our marriage was a sham. I would happily have let a judge decide our fate whatever the percentages - but ex didn't want to go to court. I knew he would renege on every single promise he made and so I merely kept him to his word by making him go for a consent order instead - which yes, a judge has sealed.

It's not my fault that he failed to spot that I wasn't the woman he thought I was, and neither is it my fault that he ACTUALLY thought he could manipulate the legal system without so much as consulting with it!!! So in my book he got what he deserves if only for that.

I make no apologies to anyone for my settlement - my DD will have a home for as long as she needs it.

Yogagirl17 · 20/12/2012 15:23

You shouldn't have to apologise bc, good for you. (BTW, what's a consent order?)

Izzyschangelingisarriving · 20/12/2012 18:16

I wouldn't expect you to be sorry - I just tend to think That just because you can do something - it doesn't mean you should do it.

I could've had a much more generous settlement if I had wanted - but I didn't see the need.

Izzyschangelingisarriving · 20/12/2012 18:17

A consent order is basically one where both parties sign to say they agree and the judge rubber stamps it

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