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Original poster

So I've finally got the pension valuations and he's crying on the phone

215 replies

KirstyWirsty · 16/12/2012 18:28

Discovered STBXH's affair last new year .. Put him out and contacted a lawyer .. Got my own pension valuations by April .. Finally got his through last week

Our house was sold in August and DD and I have been living with my mum in a tiny house for the last 4 months .. I am desperate to get my own place

So the finances are being split 50/50 and he has £16k that he owes me off of his half of the house equity as his pension is worth much more than mine. And he was crying on the phone saying that if he fives me the £16k it will mean he won't be able to buy a house in as good an area for our DD7.. My mum thinks it is just emotional blackmail

He said that I earn more than him but he has more potential for promotion and is 4 years younger and so could take a mortgage over a longer period

Any views on this? He always makes me feel as though I am being unreasonable

OP posts:
Arithmeticulous · 03/01/2013 10:50

I wouldn't respond. Yet. Give him until Monday.

Original poster
KirstyWirsty · 03/01/2013 10:53

He has just sent me the following email

KW,

I have left you a voicemail.

I will forward your email to Anne my solicitor who returns to work on Monday following her holiday.

Your solicitor did not forward any documentation with her last letter, Anne will have to get copies of this as this should have been done in the first place and is one of the points holding things up from your side of things.

I have said that I am more than willing to discuss things with you but you seem happier to take the advice and direction from your lawyer which in turn causes delay.

I'm not sure what else to say??

I'm trying to ensure a secure future for DD which I did think you you understood from our last conversation.

So your demand for an answer by Monday is unlikely to happen this is out if my hands.

OP posts:
Onezerozero · 03/01/2013 11:04

There's no reason why you would get less than 50% if you went to court, and there is a chance you'd get 60%. He can only lose. What is he hoping to achieve?

Does he just want you to give in to him for the satisfaction? What an annoying man.

Original poster
KirstyWirsty · 03/01/2013 11:09

I am very tempted to send the following

STBXH

I am trying to get DD in to a home of her own as quickly as possible which I thought YOU understood from our last conversation. i'm sure I do not need to remind you that she lived in a very good area before YOU insisted that her home was sold.

I am not willing to accept less than the 50% of the marital assets as proposed in my solicitor's letter and I cannot fathom why you cannot understand this

Let's leave it in the hands of the solicitors

KW

OP posts:
Onezerozero · 03/01/2013 11:17

Maybe you should just leave it to the solicitors. Talking to him is getting you nowhere and is raising your blood pressure.

I wonder if you can go for 60% of assets plus your extra associated fees, due to his obstruction. I would certainly be sympathetic to that in principle if I were the judge!

LisaMed · 03/01/2013 11:25

You will drive him nuts if you don't reply at all, or leave it until after the weekend and then re-send the first email, asking for a constructive response.

Original poster
KirstyWirsty · 03/01/2013 11:28

Lisa I did that the last time and it just meant a fortnight passed with no discussion

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 03/01/2013 11:31

"I have said that I am more than willing to discuss things with you but you seem happier to take the advice and direction from your lawyer"

Now I wonder why that might be? Hmm

Could it be because he is the man who has lied through his teeth and betrayed you whilst your lawyer is a specialist paid by you to represent your interests? Nah. Must be because you're an awkward cow.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 03/01/2013 12:01

Don't respond to him. If you hear nothing constructive by Monday then all further negotiations/contact through your solicitor.

He is being obstructive for whatever reason, just disengage completely or you'll just get drawn in and very frustrated.

Lueji · 03/01/2013 12:10

Don't answer and leave to solicitor.

Allergictoironing · 03/01/2013 15:16

So one minute he's saying you should be sending stuff to his solicitor, and the next he's blaming you for wanting to do everything through solicitors? He can't have it both ways!

perfectstorm · 03/01/2013 15:46

He's a selfish arsehole. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this horrible behaviour on top of his betrayal - he cheats, deprives your daughter of her home, and is now trying to manipulate you into letting him steal from you both, too?!

Congratulations on the divorce.

ProphetOfDoom · 03/01/2013 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mayisout · 03/01/2013 19:01

I would go for every blooming penny I can get. Every blooming penny. I think you are daft to go for a quick fix - the money is too important.
He is using the fact that you want things resolved to get his way.

REally, you don't know what the future holds, I would go for everything you are owed no matter how long it takes, and if you make it clear to him and your solicitor that you are willing to wait, no matter how long it takes, he will be more likely to cave.

I have met many bitter exwives who should have held out for their share but wanted things resolved so gave in, big mistake in the long run.

Original poster
KirstyWirsty · 04/01/2013 11:46

I just sent the following email to my solicitor

Dear KW's Solicitor

Happy New Year!

Well here we are a year on and no further forward it seems! STBXH seems to think that a 50/50 split is in some way unfair. He doesn't think he should be paying me any of his pension as that will affect DD's 'standard of living' and the type of place that he will be able to buy - this is the £16k balance that we are talking about. I have had him crying on the phone about it! He has also suggested that he may be able to get his pension revalued in light of future changes that may happen in the fire service but I am sure that the valuation is at date of separation and will not change?

I am not willing to give in to his emotional blackmail. I want my 50% split of the marital assets - not as it is punitive but because it is fair

He has suggested that you have not furnished his solicitor with the correct information and also that the proposal that you have made does not consitute a separation agreement and further things such as childcare and more will need to be included. Can you please advise? I want the separation to be concluded and then divorce him.

I just want to get this sorted as soon as possible. I have tried threatening the court route and going for a 60/40 split as you will see if you look down this email chain but I really just want it sorted

Can you please advise me how to get this moving forward as quickly as possible and if there is any pressure that you can bring to make this happen

Can you please get back to me soonest on this and advise me if you are not going to be able to reply before next Wednesday (9th)

Yours sincerely

KW

OP posts:
Allergictoironing · 04/01/2013 12:29

Nice email KirstyWirsty Smile.

laughinglikeadrain · 04/01/2013 14:40

lovely email

fuzzywuzzy · 04/01/2013 14:50

Vbisme I got spousal maintenance. I work and have prospects. It's due to the financial circumstances ex left us in. NOTHING to do with me not working or being incapable if taking care if myself.

I worked right the way thro my marriage and continue to do so. I have a professional career.

janelikesjam · 04/01/2013 14:59

Excellent email.

You won't get anything useful or sensible out of your STBXH so I would ignore/avoid/minimise things there, especially if he is a bully Angry.

I think your energies should be focused on making sure your solicitior is doing the right thing on your behalf.

Taghain · 04/01/2013 15:36

I think that you're being too soft.
By agreeing to the 50/50 split, and mentioning it frequently, you have indicated that you ARE willing to compromise on your rights. So of course he assumes that you are willing to compromise some more.
You should stop offering a quick solution, and communicate only via your solicitor, who should be asking for a 65/35 split.

Original poster
KirstyWirsty · 04/01/2013 15:39

Would I get higher than the 50/50? I earn more than him and I have DD 4 days and he has her 3

He says his solicitor assures him that I won't!!!

OP posts:
Lueji · 04/01/2013 15:42

Wait for your solicitor's reply.

Meanwhile, and just in case, could you have a free consultation with another socitor?

janelikesjam · 04/01/2013 15:43

Agree on big issues - legal or medical - a second opinion always useful ...

Lueji · 04/01/2013 15:47

ups, so-li-ci-tor. Blush

OpheliasWeepingWillow · 04/01/2013 15:49

He is a tool.

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