So I've finally got the pension valuations and he's crying on the phone

[KirstyWirsty]

Discovered STBXH's affair last new year .. Put him out and contacted a lawyer .. Got my own pension valuations by April .. Finally got his through last week

Our house was sold in August and DD and I have been living with my mum in a tiny house for the last 4 months .. I am desperate to get my own place

So the finances are being split 50/50 and he has £16k that he owes me off of his half of the house equity as his pension is worth much more than mine. And he was crying on the phone saying that if he fives me the £16k it will mean he won't be able to buy a house in as good an area for our DD7.. My mum thinks it is just emotional blackmail

He said that I earn more than him but he has more potential for promotion and is 4 years younger and so could take a mortgage over a longer period

Any views on this? He always makes me feel as though I am being unreasonable

Take the money.

Tell the pathetic little prick to stop snivelling.

Raging is good.
It means you won't fall for his crap.

Isn't "Having your cake and eating it" an entire chapter in the 'Guide to a midlife crisis' (or whatever it's called)? There's whole threads on it here somewhere.

It's just part of the script Kirsty. He may even think the tears are real because they invest so much energy in convincing themselves they are not in the wrong. They rationalise, they make excuses, they look on it as 'one little mistake' rather than what it really is. The refuse to accept that they MADE A CHOICE to do something truly awful and now they have to live with the consequences. He ruined his own life, not you for simply wanting what you're owed. They all do it.

KW - it's standard stuff...he's a snivelling git with an over-blown sense of entitlement. You know that. If he's worried about DD then he'll give more to you - so that her main house is better... It's poor me, poor me again...and you know what we say to that!! You could have asked for more...you didn't. He wants this sorted at least as much as you do. Hold your nerve and DO NOT give any concessions to him. Listen to your Mum on this one ;o)....x

...and remember every penny that he gets is money that could have gone to you/your DD's new place and to her future. You can't trust him with it...he'll spend it on himself. Go KW !! xxxxxx

Actually, how dare he?!

How dare he try to use the thing you know you care about (DD's welfare) to wheedle money out of you.

Like others have said, if it was about DD's welfare, he would have no issue with paying maintenance, or investing more in her main residence.

Please don't fall for it.

Gah. I mean "the thing he knows you care about"

Tell him his tears are old hat and irrelevant .

And to hand over the money sharpish , before it really starts costing him.

16k ? I certainly wouldn't be writing that amount off . What a cheeky self entitled fucker .

Turn this snivelling loser's whining on its head: if he doesn't give you the cash - cash which he legally has to! - then that means YOU, the parent who has primary custody, can't get a good enough house for your DD. And if he's that bothered about her, WTF is he doing not wanting to pay maintenance?! What an arsehole. Don't fall for his bullshit and get that cash off him ASAP. If he cries again, ask him if he was crying and thinking about the best life for his child when he stuck his cock into another woman.

I've drafted up the following email - all views welcome!

STBX

I have given our telephone discussion last night some thought

You have said that I earn more than you - that is currently the case. However you are 4 years younger than me and have the opportunity to take a mortgage out over a longer term. You also have more prospect of promotion than I have

You will have a good deposit to put down on a house

I am entitled to my 50% share of our marital assets. My solicitor wanted me to go for a 60/40 split but I wanted to keep it to 50%. She says that a court would probably award 60/40. We could have this sorted now based on a fair split. You know that this is more than reasonable

I want to get DD settled in a new home as soon as possible. She is the one who is ultimately suffering in all this - she doesn't have any of her own things about her or her own space.

Please do what you can to get this moving as soon as possible for all of our sakes

KirstyWirsty

I'd scrap the bit before 'I am entitled...' you do not have to justify yourself.

I'd not say the bits after your first sentence about your dd. if you could appeal to his better nature you would already have the money.

I'd also change the last sentence to 'I would appreciate a response by x with a view to organising the division of funds by 5th Jan (or whatever arbitrary date suits you). Don't justify or plead. It is your money and you are entitled to it. Try and see if you can treat this as a business transaction, good luck!

Do you have to engage with him? Perhaps this is could be the impetus to put everything through the solicitor and nix the weeping and snivelling?

I wouldn't send him anything. Just get the solicitor to send him another letter to get your money.

I'd keep it short and sweet... don't get into any back and forth about earning potential, appealing to his better nature, etc.

"STBX

Further to our conversation last night, please arrange to transfer the outstanding £16k to my account by X date. If I do not receive the money by this date I will see legal advice.

Kirsty"

Sounds ok to me. Little bit of subtly implied threat there which is good I think.

If this does go to court it will eat into the amount of money available, so it's really in everybody's interests, including STBX's, to settle amicably if possible. That does not mean one party should roll over and play dead - or rather, that if one party does roll over and play dead it shouldn't be the one who is being reasonable.

The money is sitting with the conveyancing solicitor

Just need to agree the split and then I can get my hands on a deposit

Ach, good old cross-posting again. Whilst I say your original draft is ok, the suggestions people have made are also ok. As long as the thrust of the email is "no, just hand over the money", it's all fine!

Don't plead or reason with him. Just say that unless he wants to take it back to court, where you will follow the legal advice to pursue a 60-40 split which the judge is anticipated to endorse, then you require him to transfer the agreed funds.

I think your draft is great. I agree you don't need to give him an explanation, but I know I would want to!

I agree you should add a deadline.

BOFing is right. You need to make the 60-40 split the key part of a short email that makes it stand out. The gist of it needs to be: "I will probably get more than 50%, so transfer the money I'm entitled to or you'll have even less." In more polite language, obviously.

My solicitor has been bleeding useless .. she actually wanted to include a pension that I had because I worked for the same company from 1995-98 .. I didn't get married to STBXH until 2004! Would have cost me £6k of the £16k!!!

The thing is that he is a bully and a coward ... Hopefully he will back down if I email him .. and if he doesn't then I will need to engage the solicitor

My solicitor has been bleeding useless .. she actually wanted to include a pension that I had because I worked for the same company as I do nowfrom 1995-98 .. I didn't get married to STBXH until 2004! Would have cost me £6k of the £16k!!!

(That makes it a bit clearer)

There is nothing wrong with the draft,

and i'm not a lawyer so don't know anything

BUT

if you think your solicitor HAS been useless, is it worth going to see another one and asking about a 60-40 split before you reply?

You are entitled to this money - you take it. This situation was entirely of his making. Tell him 'It was your choice to have an affair so it's no good crying now about the consequences'.

I just think it's a bit far down the line to switch solicitors now louis