Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships: 14

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hey Matchsticks, I've done not bad today, trying to let go of the urge to beat myself up, since that's what I'd usually do and I'm trying to break the negative cycles. Am trying to look into weight loss plans and think about it. I even happily sat watching all the kids have an ice-cream at lunchtime and had nothing myself.

I'll definitely be going to the funeral, with DS1, but don't know yet whether I'll go for a few days (and therefore take DS2 as well) or not. I'd like to. Found out today that DS1's granddad had actually suffered a heart attack, and must have then fallen. I prefer that, it feels less avoidable, less senseless. And, as DS1's dad said to me, although there were no real heart problems before, his heart was truly broken when his wife died in March.

Well done you for saying what you thought and felt. You are totally right, if he actually loved and respected you, he wouldn't have been able to treat you the way he did. My FW is the same.

Hope Maggie is ok. Bit worried.

Sorry not posted much, will try and catch up soon/tomorrow when hes back at work xx today has gone from bad to worse. When I collected DD from nursery they called me to one side and asked if everything was ok as she had been so withdrawn all day and refusing to take part in anything even colouring in She was also crying this morning (probably after FWs episode at 8am this morning before she went off) I had to just pretend she was missing her friend who no longer goes there but I am sure one of the ladies can tell what is going on. We kind of have a look between us that makes me think she understands and on the way out she asked me how xmas went and if 'daddy' enjoyed it too.

On the way home, DD asked me to tell FW not to shout anymore as it makes her sad....oh god i text him this and he agreed but just coming up to bedtime what does he do but start again shouting at me over nothing right in front of kids, calling me fat, ugly etc etc. It eventually came to a halt when poor DD ran over to him - hit him - and shouted at him to 'stop shouting at her mummy' he then stormed off upstairs in a sulk calling my DD "vindictive" and accusing me of turning her against him . The thing is an hour later, DD then wanted to go and play with him upstairs before bed

After I got kids to bed, I fell asleep on our FWs bed, got woken up a few hours later with FW trying to cuddle/spoon me saying he wants me so badly (puke) I just got up and went downstairs saying nothing, thanking god he wasn't aggressive then or I could have been in real trouble. He followed me but we then just watched TV basically in silence. Then DD woke and as I was trying to sort her, going up/down stairs, he started trying to have a conversation with me at the same time about how he doesn't know why I've changed so much since september and that he doesn't know what hes done to deserve to be treated like that by me - WTF?! I just ignored and he eventually went off to bed in a sulk but his reactions all of today just confirm to me that I will need to leave when hes not around or I could end up 6 foot under.

Need to up my acting and escape plan and get the hell out of here safe. Thank you all for being there, really truly don't know what I would do without your support. Will be back tomorrow eve properly to support others when hes at work. Thinking of you all x

What do you need in order to leave quickly? I'm sorry I can't remember your exact circumstances. Have you any family with whom you could stay?
I'm very worried about you and your dc. Your dd sounds like she's doing what my dd had started to.do before we left.
He sounds like he's escalating, but is well aware that you are detaching.
How quickly could you get away?

I live in his hometown and over the years he has basically isolated me so I have no friends here, he wouldn't allow me to go back to work after DS was born so everyone would think we were so well off and I was a kept woman (bullsh1t) so no work friends either. My family and close friends all live miles away in others parts of the country. My parents have an idea what's going on but my dad is ex-EA and my mum stayed with him so they are of the view I should roll with it so staying with them is not an option, I have done that before and always ended up returning to him. FW has caused me to be in thousands pounds worth of debt due to him withholding housekeeping money and not letting me go back to work so finding it difficult to find somewhere that will let me rent as I will have to claim benefits. Haven't slept a wink overnight but today is a new day-good actress hat back on to avoid anymore outbursts like yesterdays. Its not safe for me just to flee at the moment, I need somewhere for me and kids to go to where I can settle them safely and securly and it can be their new home

Sorry for lack of support to others lately, am stuck with exhaustion in my horrible black hole again..anyone got a spare ladder to get me out? Someone keeps nicking mine

Would a refuge be an option?

Thanks for the support Match re a refuge, I really don't want to go down that route if I can help it, although I do have an emergency bag, spare keys, secret bank card etc hidden away if I do need to get me and DC out quickly. Will see what today brings...just so tired and drained by it all you know?

thinking of you maggie

You are doing so well to keep going through all this, especially as you've been so isolated. Sounds like you might have to flee to keep you all safe. Keep posting. Has he gone now, so you can relax, and catch up on some sleep once DC in nursery/school? take care of yourself so that you can be well and think clearly. Have to go now, but will call back in later. xx

Maggie - hope you're alright. Checking back here and there to see.

Serious cabin fever here. He won't leave and will go spare if I say I want to go somewhere just me and the children. And I refuse to leave the children here with him. So here I sit, losing my mind.

do you have a plan twelve for getting out of this? You are a hostage then?!?!

Thinking of you Maggie and twelve.

Maggie, could you call WA and chat to them about your options, how best to do this, they could maybe help you firm up your plan?

twelve - don't ask him if you can go out just you and the kids. Just tell him that's what you are doing. I know it's hard to do, but please, don't go mad with cabin fever. If he goes spare, that's his choice to behave unreasonably like that. I know it does still affect you, but you can't live like this.

Thinking of everyone today. Fi, how you feeling? Try, any further word on the house? Bertie - how are you doing, haven't heard much from you, how was his FWness over Christmas? Nini - when are your exams finished, is it this month? Leclerc - hope things are going ok with DD2 and DD1 being away. And thinking of everyone else too.

Hi all.....been out for nearly a year and am a namechanger....I still lurk as this thread still gives me strength as exdh is still in my hair. I found this poem and thought it might resonate with some of you too

Make being disapproved of your hobby
Make being disapproved of your aim.
Devise new ways of scoring points
In the Being Disapproved Of Game.

Let them disapprove in their dozens.
Let them disapprove in their hordes.
You'll find that being disapproved of
Builds character, brings rewards.

Just like any form of striving
Don't be arrogant; don't coast
On your high disapproval rating.
Try to be disapproved of most.

At this point, if it's useful,
Draw a pie chart or a graph.
Show it to someone who disapproves.
When they disapprove, just laugh.

Count the emotions you provoke:
Anger, suspicion, shock.
One point for each of these
And two for each boat you rock.

Feel yourself warming to your task -
You do it bloody well.
A last you've found an area
In which you can excel.

Savour the thrill of risk without
The fear of getting caught.
Whether they sulk or scream or pout,
Enjoy your new-found sport.

Meanwhile all those who disapprove
While you are having fun
Won't even know your game exists
So tell yourself you've won.

What's the general consensus on this?

I have the initial letter ready to go to FW, just starting things off (We understand you have separated, our client wants to make it permanent, here's what we suggest for the house arrangements, the child contact arrangements will continue as is (with a small suggested tweak), please let us know if you agree). fat chance he's going to agree to the house arrangement though, entitled FW

Do I ask the solicitor to go ahead, and he'll get this out of the blue (although surely wont be that much of a surprise) next week? Or do I tell him I'm sending it?

I guess I don't really want to speak to him about this (especially given how he's been the last few times, with the 15-second handovers), but feel as if I should let him know. But maybe that's my sense of people-pleasing, telling him feels like the courteous thing to do, but is that me needing to be seen to be doing the 'right' thing so I can't be accused of being a bitch or whatever? I can't see clearly. Help!

I wouldnt warn him. I did as I didn't have a choice as I was asked directly. I just got a torrent of blind fury.
Whichever way you do it, he will think you're a bitch anyway. You might as well reconcile yourself to that.

I would stay away from it Pony and try to not still be worrying about his reaction. It surely won't be a surprise, as you say, and it will always provoke a reaction from him regardless of when I reckon. He will probably accuse you of being a bitch, but like I was told, please and thanks and sorries really don't come into an abusive relationship; they're for people who are trying to be good to each other (a reciprocal thing in a healthy rel), in abusive rels, well, he don't care, so just do what needs to be done for yoursand DS happiness, not his.

I kept on doing the 'right' thing, but I still got tons of crap, so couldn't do right for doing wrong IYSWIM, so found it totally pointless in the end and have just started just stating it without any thought to his reaction!!!! (ooo get me!). Thx for your thoughts too, bit sad and exhausted, but lots of thinking going on and change so thats good, isn't it?!?!

I wouldn't warn him, pony. I didn't warn mine petition was coming - was fearful of reaction but mine wasn't violent and never became so. Just lots of verbal entitled twaddle that helped me detach.

bonnet, that was spooky, I posted my last post and then saw yours, which more or less answered mine... That's a great poem, I've been thinking about it all afternoon. I had actually thought last time I saw him that I needed to react with laughter to all the crappy stuff he says, rather than letting it get to me. Maybe I can incorporate that into my 'Disapproval' game.

So, the general consensus (and the poem) says go ahead and don't think of him. You're right, everyone of you is right in the things you've said.
Matchsticks, I've been fearful of him asking me directly, because I can't lie too stoopid to lie and I know it'll kick things off. Like when he asked me, while we lay in bed, if I'd called a solicitor he'd been going through the dialled calls and although he didn't kick off, he was deceptively calm, and I didn't sleep a wink that night because I was like a tightly wound spring waiting for his reaction. He'd laugh and say that showed it was me that had mental problems, not him.
Fi, spot on, I'll be accused of being a bitch whatever I do, as it is I bend over backwards to help him see DS2 and I still get accused of keeping him from him. (I've stopped doing that, btw, and over Christmas, when he's been off work the whole time, he's seen him twice - Christmas Day and NY eve.)
And you're right Leclerc, he's deliberately making it impossible for us to have any normal conversations right now. If this was anyone else, I know my advice would be to just send it and not communicate with him at all except via solicitors.
Silvery - I'm going to try and view his inevitable verbal spouting as an opportunity to detach, and maybe play Disapproval bingo.

Fi, lots of thinking is good, as long as it's positive and sorty-out kind of stuff.

Leclerc - enjoy your spending! You deserve it. (Have you taken the Teddy of Doom back for a refund???)

Thanks for thinking of me Pony. My exam is the Tuesday after next and I'm struggling with revision. Have had a massive headache at the front and back of my head today and my eyes are sore. I have next week off work though to revise and NSDH hasn't offered to take any leave to have DD so she'll have to go to nursery for extra days . But otherwise things are quiet here, keeping my head down.

Agree with the others when they say not to tell your FW the letter is coming, Pony.

That poem is great, bonnet. I have a copy of it now

Maggie, worried for you. and Twelve, you too.

Leclerc, I'm also intrigued to know what happened to Ted!

So very very tired. Back to study.

Nini - keep going, you'll get there. Just grit your teeth over the nursery issue and focus on your exam, that's all that's important right now. Eat well, sleep as much as you can (I know, haha...). And a massive big co-codamol for your awful headache. And one for your migraine too (hehe).

I already have a square marked off in my Disapproval Bingo, hurrah! Emailed FW earlier to ask if he could get together a few specific things from the house for me - the pram stuff (my sister wants to sell it, she lent it to us) and a box of photos from the loft (I've been asked to look out some of my lovely FiL). Didn't explain why on either, but did ask perfectly nicely and reasonably. His response is so textbook! He was very snippy because I emailed rather than texted, then said 'I'm not picking stuff out, only bagging up on a general basis but will do an area first if you request.'

He's havin a laaaaaarf! He's been so keen to foist it on me when I didn't want him to, but now I'm asking for specific stuff he's all huffy and acting like I'm taking a liberty! He's hilarious!!!!!

(I actually do feel a bit better thinking of him as hilariously pathetic, hope it keeps working tomorrow for the inevitable crappiness...)

I just texted him back saying if it's not possible, don't worry. What I actually mean is I'll go in and get the stuff myself if he's being funny about it. But didn't say that because I'll just do it and he can say what he likes (if he even notices), rather than giving him the opportunity to get all het up about it in advance.

Leclerc, you should have set up a security cam on ToD - I fear you may return to find your house is swarming with teddy-like critters, a la Gremlins or similar...

Hahahahaha, he's replied!!! I know you ladies like a reet good old laugh, so I have to share it with you.

In reply to me saying 'If it's not possible, don't worry about it', he said:
'I'm not worried'. Teehee, he's such a wag, taking it so literally!
And then:
'You'll be getting bags of stuff from DS1's old room next.'
Notice hilarious and quite deliberate use of 'old', just to hammer home that we don't live there any more!!! And telling me what I will be getting, just to make sure I'm not getting above myself, what with asking for specific stuff and all!!!!!!!

I did actually open the text already laughing out loud (to prepare myself), and it did help, although must have made me sound a bit mad.

I do feel a bit hysterical tonight. No has been imbibed, I swear, I'm trying really hard to be good and not drink wine and eat cake all the time.

Thanks Pony. It's the final stretch, must keep going...

Had a great big LOL at the thought of teddy orgy - reminds me of the film Ted if anyone else has seen it.

And keep laughing at him Pony - all those little words designed to hurt you, and that's all they are, words. You are detaching

Hello Pony & everyone! Sorry I haven't been around much...had an eventful Xmas and new year.

FW was difficult over Xmas...saying he was suicidal and making big issues about the number of social invitations me and DS had. He excelled in his attempts to manipulate me and DS

Then he took DS away for a few days to his parents house...and then I took DS to see my family for new year. We got back on Thursday.

At my family gathering everyone agreed that I'm probably looking at going to court over house and child contact However, I've got lots evidence of his behaviour over the past week through texts and phone messages and I have to admit I recorded a conversation for the first time...eek so I'm pleased that I've managed to gather more supporting information.

Since we got back FW has been ok (no more suicide threats and acting quite positive) but annoying me with his ridiculous low level hypocrisy.

For example, he made several comments about DS having to be in bed before 9pm on Thursday when we got back (he's been staying up late over Xmas and new year). So I obliged...it makes sense to get DS back into a sensible routine before school starts next week. Of course last night when it was FWs turn to put DS to bed it was after 10 before he was asleep! I had sent FW a discreet text to remind him of the time at ten past nine (as didn't want to make a scene in front of DS) but of course it didn't make any difference...

Then DS woke up around midnight. As I've said before...DS will come into my bed if given the choice...and if FW tries to take DS into his bed he cries out for me...so FWs solution last night was to sleep in DSs bed with him! His new way of stopping DS to come and see me? What do you reckon?

He also told me he thought DS should eat every meal at the table (again its all relapsed over the holidays). I agreed. Guess what? He's currently having breakfast with DS in his bedroom....aargh!

Deep breath...I'm premenstrual and finding it hard to stay calm....

Anyway we have DSs birthday party today and FW and I do seem to have pulled together on this so I hope it will be a success. Can't believe my little boy is 5

And a busy week ahead. I'll be back to work after my most recent pneumonia attack. And next Friday FW and I have what I fully expect to be the final mediation session. If we don't reach any agreement at this session then the mediator said there's nothing more she can do for us.

Onwards and upwards ladies...thinking of you all. I'll try and catch up on the thread. Isn't it a shame there isn't a summary button?!