Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships: 14

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

hi all (not been reading to catch up sorry) ... crying , crying, crying and wanted to wish everyone hope for a better New Year with renewed hope, happiness, safety and FREEDOM for all!!! love to alll xxxx

Yes, one would think that with New Year and all, time for new beginnings, that things might at least be a little bit different. Nope. same old, same old. H already shouting before 7am over stupid little things with the children, and actually saying the 3yo started it. Charming.

I think what really is upsetting me this morning is dealing with all the aftermath. It's NOT in a bubble... I have to deal with reactions of family and friends. To be fair, my close friends will be understanding and supportive. But my family will make this a huge deal and criticise me endlessly (thankfully they're abroad, so it's not like I have to run in to them daily). Bit of a complicated relationship with my family, so no support expected there.

He's literally sleeping in an arm chair right now, grouching at the children when they disturb him. FFS if you're going to be comatose, go to bed and stop holding the rest of us hostage to it! He does this all the time, and it drives me mental. And he had a couple glasses of wine last night after supper, so it's not like he's hung over.

Hi everyone...just stopped by to wish you all a happy new year...2013 has just GOT to be better than 2012!

Welcome back Twelve! It has been the same sort of thing here.

FW doesn't want us to row anymore but at the same time kicks off at the smallest of things. I told him to spend today with the kids as he had not seen them whilst I was at my parents (and I am ill tbh so need a rest) Any normal daddy wouldn't even have to be told/asked they would jump at the chance, not FW I always have to force the issue for him to spend time with them, its like its a chore for him. I purposly stayed out of the way when he was getting them ready and all hell broke loose as he couldn't find a brush for DDs hair. He went mental at me, bad mother speech etc. Arsehole. When he'd finished I told him to go and ask DD where we always keep the brush for her as its always been in the same place along side DSs nappies, creams etc. She went straight to it. Just shows how much he has got them ready in the past hey. Arsehole. In other news....one of his team walked out of work last night! They told him that he was sick of him and the others playing mind games with him. Not just me he's doing it to then! Arsehole bully. He's gone out now and I feel like just sleeping but know ill get the whole so what did you actually do whilst I was babysitting speech when they get back so I better do abit of tidy up. Happy new year hey.

Thinking of you all x Fi big big hug, hope you are feeling better about stuff this morning, take time, be kind to yourself, sounds like you are going through the grieving process take care everyone.

Hugs Pony and Fi, sorry to hear you're having tough times.

Sounds like your DH is similar to mine Twelve. Mine thinks he's being a great dad but can't seem to cope at all with the kids. He has taken extra days off work to spend time with his family but I almost think they would be better off with him at work. Yesterday when I got up my DS1 and DS2 were about 80 minutes into the Fellowship of the Ring. DS2 asked me why they were watching it! DH just put it on for them and they have to watch it whether they want to or not. Today he's taking them off to the glens for a long walk but they wanted to go to the playground. He doesn't pay any attention to what anyone wants, only what he thinks they should be doing. This morning he said they were little c*nts. How can you talk about your kids that way and still treat them well?

I really think he wants to be a good dad and he doesn't know how. Is that naive? I always knew his family were a bit messed up but I didn't realise how damaging that could be. I look at him and think I'm glad my dad wasn't like that. He's out with DS1 and DS2 now but I wouldn't let him take DS3 as I think it will be bad enough without the baby as well. The HV is coming tomorrow so I don't know whether to say anything to her about it or not. He wasn't too bad until the baby arrived but his behaviour has tipped over the edge now. He puts on an 'everything's okay' face for everyone else though. If I said anything to his parents about it they wouldn't believe me, they would think it was my fault for not doing all the housework and child-minding when he's so stressed out about his job. The thing is I would love to be able to do that but it's just not possible with a six-week-old baby.

hugs were good thanks Maggie Wo - I think grieving is right, takes a LOT of time! but feels much better just to be this side of the festive season than the other. FWEx thinks he is just such a good 'family guy', but used to just ignore DC, never proactive in playing with. Never showed happiness at being home from work to greet DC. Miserable git to live with all the time, oh yes, apart from to the o/s world, then he was mr happy, charming family funny guy. Would ask me all the current updates to share with his family /friends like he had been personally involved! LOAD of bollox basically! I've given up caring who believes me Wo as I know they will believe him over me regardless of the truth of the situation (altho I think deep down they do know what a nasty bastard he is and has been), but I don't spend my time trying to convince people any more; and when I was I actually think it was more an exercise in convincing myself (I don't know if it worked, but something changed so that I did finally believe myself). I use to believe it was all my fault as he was stressed about work, but he's always stressed about everything (I realised) and it was nothing to do with me, and I never got any support (just a lucky little bonus for me heh, pah!).

Sorry for missing out on others, it's moved to fast for me to catch up, but hugs and good wishes to all through the difficulties. take care xxx

Pony thats so sad, I hear the love and laughter he brought to your life and others, and sensitive of you to think of removing the xmas association.

Re: the FW don't expect anything. I tried to do the lets just be pleasant/polite thing, hmmm.. needless to say the result. Has taken everything I say as another opportunity to slate/undermine and play games with DC, so I don't say or expect anything other than nothing now. There is nothing left, which is a lot easier I've found.

take care hun xxxx

May I just say one thing this evening please?

....screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm......

okay... I feel better now....

Hope you're all having a better day than I am.

Have you heard anything from dd1 leclerc? Did you reply to FW's text?

Things okay ish here. Have decided to take less than a court would probably award as I need to get this over with and can't face going through court to end up with a higher proportion of a house that won't sell.
Asked for him to pay the CM today so our costs for the kids are roughly even. Was told he shouldn't have to as he is letting me off with not paying half the mortgage. Also says he's happy to have the kids 1 day a week and 1-2 teatimes as I wouldn't cope otherwise. I am fucking boiling over that. He has had them for 24hrs maximum ONCE in their whole lives and moans about how exhausted he is after access.

Will he be stewing now then over you not responding? I think your reaction to it is telling, like in your head you're done, do you think? What did dd say when she contacted you?

I am trying to stay on good terms with FW for the kids' sake, but it makes me so furious to think he thinks I can't cope with the kids. I have looked after my 2 and my stepdaughters single-handedly when my ds was still a reflux-y newborn, for god's sake. I don't know if he is narcissistic, but he certainly projects his faults onto me.

That is what hurt me matchsticks mine told some mutual friends that he gave up work because I couldn't look after the kids!

The kids, I loved looking after. It was fitting in looking after the house singlehandedly that I couldn't hack!

He was booted out of a workers co-op by the other 2 members, btw. Either he is a liar, or has totally deluded himself.

That is exactly it silvery- I was basically a housekeeper, PA and looking after the two dc. Whilst teaching 3 days a week. No wonder I was frazzled!

Hello, happy new year and thanks for this supportive thread. Very good luck and strength to everyone.

Do people think it is a good idea to keep a diary of the incidents of verbal/emot abuse? A dear friend said I should do that (to use as evidence of the EA if or when we separate and there is a dispute over child care), and I have written about some incidents, but writing it all down, with all the context, takes so long and seems a waste of time. And I wondered if it could even count against me somehow- he is always saying that everyone knows I'm mad/deranged/in mental decline etc, and, in a way, writing down all these incidents as they happen does feel a bit mad. Also, we are not living in the UK but in a country where EA is not really recognised as abuse, and all childcare decisions would have to be made here.

Out of interest here are a few gems from the festive season "F.off, you provocative confrontational b" (on Christmas day, on our way to church), "buck-toothed hunchback", "you're a fake. Nobody in your family talks with that plumby accent". There are many many others, but it's mainly "f.ing b" "f.ing idiot" and "you're f.ing mad, woman and everybody knows it. Just f.off out of my life".

Yes, the person you need to collect evidence for is yourself, it will help you to notice what is going on, and act as an antidote to FOG or spaghetti head.

And if you wish you can post stuff here for support and validation...

five - what Silver said. It's worth keeping a "when I'm wavering diary" to help you clear the spaghetti head. Also it's what the lawyers recommend - so it seems a sensible solution all round

Those insults sounds absolutely terrible and shocking. You're not mad, you're not deranged and if you were in mental decline (which you're not!), it'd only be because of your association with him!

Good night everyone, strength and peace

if it wasn't all so awful matchsticks it would be bloody laughable its SOOO ridiculous! What a damned cheek of the highest order frankly, and it doesn't seem to matter if you are superwoman (as we all obviously are on here! ) we're still absolutely rubbish by their 'standards'! ha!

Hey five good to hear you are finding support here. Yep totally agree it is a really good thing to record everything ((and I've felt that it seems a bit mad too to give the police stuff that exFW accused me of too, but the police have personal knowledge of dealing with me through all this, and their personal experience of him wasn't really in his favour ). It also helps with keeping a grip of whats going on (as Silvery has already said) I reply to stuff even, at length, just as an exercise in making things straight in my own mind, but then don't send, and will store it and have sent to police too so that it is recorded. A diary of incidents is vital for their evidence of any harrassment or abuse to start acting for your protection.

Silvery a quick question about FOG if I may.. I've used the term in the same way as spaghead, but isn't it an acronym for something specific (but I don't know what)?

Uggghh, it seems all FWs must use the bad not coping mother card. I feel like I struggle with kids because I have to deal with his sh1t on top of everything and it just drains me. We are fine and have quite a lot of fun when he's not around. Says it all really.

Leclerc glad DD1 went for a bit, hope all is well when she returns. How is DD2 getting on? Thinking of you with DS1, my DD is starting to get back to giving me a hard time at night time too. Is so hard isn't it?

In other news...FW had kids for a bit this avo after I practically had to beg him. He took them to his mums for a few hours-in other words, took them there so they could play with their grandparents whilst he probably just sat and read his paper. Then tonight he had another one of those strange rows with himself! He dropped a biscuit in the kitchen and all hell broke loose, smashing up the cups, threw his cuppa tea all over the floor, shouting names at himself etc etc. I just ignored and didn't move a muscle or else he would move onto me. Would be laughable if it wasn't so scary. He is mental. He then stormed off up to bed and before he closed the sitting room door pointed at me and said "change or go". What?!! Feeling a bit brave I asked him if he was talking to himself again-he stormed off. I'm scared of what this year is going to bring and taking the steps I know I need to take thinking of you all too.

Be safe Maggie

Fear, Obligation, Guilt - the weapons that leave no mark but can be very effective. Emotions that FW's try to impose on you,

Thanks Silver

I always feel like he has this ball of anger inside him ready to explode, its so odd when he does that thing of shouting and being angry at himself, he really loses the plot over the smallest thing that he does wrong like drop a biscuit or spill something but then can't see the wrong in the big things like how badly he treats me and DC I suppose I should be grateful that the PA not being aimed at me but at a few cups instead. What a way to live. I really think he must have mental health issues.

So here I am again awake on this bloody sofa and feeling really ill with flu and its the dreaded time of month too (sorry if tmi). Would love to get into bed properly but there is no way I'm getting in beside him, have managed to stay out since september not going back in that bed with him no noo matter how ill I feel . I wonder when I escape if I will end up like those hostages when freed that can't sleep in a bed anymore and ill have to sleep on a sofa for the rest of my life!

Plan of action-get better, get xmas stuff packed away (excluding my special baubles/kids stockings which shall be going in my escape bag), then get escape plan back on track. And I need to stop comfort eating as the weight is really piling on

Its going to be a looooonnnngg hard few months. This will be our year ladies. Strength to all x

Hey all, 2nd day of 2013 already.

Maggie - he really does have issues, that must be horrible for you. Keep going with your plan.

I too need to start stopping with the eating. I do. I have half decided that this will be my new focus now that Christmas is over with. I have realised that the black trousers I wore to DS1's nannie's funeral will no longer fit me.

Told DS1 yesterday about his granddad. He cried, we both had a little cry together. But then, as is the way of kids, he asked a few random-seeming questions (about his granddad's house and about 'being fired' (cremated)) and then seemed fine for the rest of the day. I overheard him telling his cousin about it.
As far as I can make out, there was no intent in his granddad's death - it seems he had a nasty fall when putting something away high up. So although I'm glad that he hasn't been so sad that he's been unable to go on, it just seems like a terrible accident, a horrible waste, so senseless.

Sorry I'm not much use to anyone right now, head all over. On top of everything with FW and grieving, I found out yesterday that two friends are splitting up (I was a bridesmaid 11 years ago) - no reason other than they just don't love each other any more, arguing and making each other miserable, it's been like that for years. And then I saw my aunt yesterday (Mum's sister) who is 71 and seems to be in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's or something like that. It was upsetting to see her struggle to find words and be perfectly aware that she couldn't remember simple stuff like what she had given DS1 for Christmas. She couldn't remember that she had stayed with me and the boys for a few days over the summer.

I'll try and keep logging on and reading, and I'll be thinking of you all even if I'm not posting.