Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships: 14

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

happened the same for my DC Pony stuff started coming out after a while after separating, then I realised the stuff that had been witnessed (and experienced when I hadn't been around to see). More affirmations that I'd done the right thing! and you managed the DS sensitively (but yeah dont they have a completely different train of thought!) He doesn't understand how he feels but will ask, by the sounds of it, any questions that come up (check out what he thinks now and again to keep channels open, although he might be one to ponder on stuff by himself, he does ask so I'm sure he wil continue that). It will be good for him to process in his own time.
Try I'm ok (I think!?) thanks. I really hope tomorrow will be the beginning of the end of it for you. The crisis of another year to come is calming a bit (I hope).

Strength and hugs Nini hope it goes better than you expect, or that you feel stronger to just skim above it all!

Thanks all for your kind thoughts and support. As much as I wasn't entirely happy with how it went at the time, I feel better about it now, and so glad that I avoided DS1 feeling rejection (for now, anyway). DS1 has mentioned a few more things, I think maybe this will be an ongoing process for him and I'll just have to answer any questions as best I can. (DS1 is a wearyingly constant stream of questions as it is, so I'll need to do my best to tune in properly for a change instead of just my usual mmm-hmm, nodding and saying 'Oh, I don't know the answer to that darling'!)
And I feel relieved for having gotten it out, IFKWIM, I don't have it hanging over me still to do so strangely I feel more relaxed around him. Tomorrow I'm going to leave DS1 at my parents' while I collect DS2 from FW's, I don't want him confused by seeing him, or risking FW saying something weird.

Try, I think it's portentous that you are going to see the flat tomorrow - as Fi says, the beginning of the end, as the year ends and new one begins!

Nini, thinking of you today, hope you've survived the EFiL!

Leclerc, do you have DD2 and DS1 back with you now? How was that for you? And how is everything with you all back together?

Don't fume - laugh. Because it is laughable.

I agree. Throw your head back and let yourself laugh at how pathetic he is. Think about telling your girlfriends about it and having a right laugh.

Leclerc, I know what you mean. When DS1 is away I hold myself together tightly and don't let myself think about him and the big empty spaces in the house hardly at all, busy busy busy - to the point that I sometimes forget that I've said I'd phone on a particular day because I'm working so hard at putting him from my mind. You've done brilliantly, you've gotten through the first Christmas, that's a really big thing. So squish away and enjoy your day tomorrow - I shall call it 'Hugmas'.

Survived! did quite well with that one I think. Now I just need to get through NYE with all of NSDH's shitty friends. Sigh. And avoiding his kiss at midnight. Looking forward to weds when we can all go back to normal. Only 2 and a bit weeks til my next big exam!

Laughter and Hugmas sounds perfect! Happy new year lovelies, heres to a FW free 2013!

Just want to get all this out of my head for now...

FW just picked up DS2. Interaction was 15 seconds long if I'm lucky - because he now has a car seat of his own so we don't need to faff with getting the other one out of my car etc. The briefness and curtness of him has thrown me, for reasons I don't know. I was all ready to be civil and nice, etc, and he more or less took DS2 from me, said 'see you at 6.30pm' and went. No eye contact. Why does that upset me????? (And what's the betting that when I pick up DS2, he's all nice to me because the girls will be there?)

And he gave me another two bin bags of my stuff. I knew what it was before I opened them, I just knew. Amongst other things, my wedding dress. Either he's just grabbed a load of stuff from the wardrobe (plausible, the other stuff he bagged was all from the same wardrobe) or he knew fine well what he was bringing to me today and it was done deliberately to shake me up.

And, ffs, I am shaken up. I feel all anxious and a bit shakey. I feel upset and irritable. My stomach is churning. I'm already being impatient and grumpy with DS1 because I feel so bad. I wish I knew why I was being affected like this, today of all days. Maybe it's because I hadn't seen him in nearly a week. (Maybe it's because he's still a FW.)

Anyway. I need to get through today. DS1's friend is coming for the day and we're off to a museum with a packed lunch, so that'll be a distraction. I might need to pick up some Rescue Remedy though - I know, I know, it probably doesn't work a jot, but even if the effect is placebo I feel that's better than nothing right now.

I'll probably be online at some point again today, but in case I don't manage - Leclerc, hope your 'Hugmas' goes well, Try, hope your viewing goes well (fingers crossed for you), and everyone else I'll be thinking of you and I hope today (and this evening) goes as well as it can and that you are all safe at the very least. Many hugs (masses). xx

hey everyone.... i haven't had a minute with dd. her routine has been all messed up and she's been going to bed around midnight (try and fail before that) and then waking multiple times in the night and im shattered.

so dh picked her up for a few hours this morning. he was late ... i told him when he is late she has a melt down as she is waiting for him and gets really unsettled if he isn't there. he sent me a text saying this isn't what should happen for a daughter - trying to make me feel guilty for the situation. plus he said he was really tired as hadn't been sleeping lately. hello? does he have any idea what looking after a young child who wakes continually every night is like, plus dealing with your own 'not being able to get to sleep' due to stuff going on in your head?

i hope you are all ok. ponygirl, thats the type of thing my dh would do - send round my wedding stuff, anythingto make me feel guilty about the situation. as if its my fault, and trying to put the blame on to me, when in fact its his fault. dont let him make you feel like that, youve done the right thing and youve been forced to make these decisions because of HIS actions. rescue remedy does work for me anyway, i used to use it a lot, its worth a try and not too expensive. i hope you have a better day than expected.

im trying to get motivated to do stuff instead of sitting here thinking about it all!

Hi pony and jan - sorry your Ex's if that term is OK for both have been causing trouble today. Thinking of you both. And wishing everyone here a happier New Year and a pleasant/ good New Year's Eve x

wandering quietly back in, after a couple days absence. Spoke to DS's paediatrician and told them some of what is going on. It feels a bit better just to get it out. No improvement with things in general. Not really happy with the ongoing verbal attacks, always turning it around on me like it's my fault.

Must speak to solicitor as soon as children back in school, if I can get away into town on my own. Will have to "meet friend for coffee in town" I think.

Sorry for any previous concern I may have caused, was unintentional.

Jan re the unnecessary guilt trip he tried to lay on you. That sounds so like something my fw would do, too.

Juggling thank you for the seasonal thoughts!

Twelve hello glad you're ok - sort of! Well done for sharing a little bit with paediatrician - what was her/his take on it? Hopefully once kids back at school you will have some head space to get your thoughts sorted.

Flat was really good, now it remains to be seen if I can negotiate (above budget). It is frightening, not just emotionally but financially, at a difficult recessionary time, taking on a great big new responsibility. But I keep telling myself that even if I went bankrupt (obvs worst case scenario but these things can take you by surprise in this climate), that would be better than being married to an fw and being abused. Flat is right size, in school catchment, allows pets, some furniture might be able to be provided.

I did a post before from my phone whilst standing outside flat but it's disappeared into ether. I was sympathising with pony re the nasty manipulation by fw. The trouble is, they know us very well and fws are very clever at manipulation, so that's how they manage to get to us so badly. We're with you all the way, pony

Try seemed quite concerned, but agreed to keep it between us for now. It was nerve wracking tbh.

glad you liked the flat.

Hello again! Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Christmas holidays are nice (no alarm clock, no school run) but intense (house is a bombsite, no time to myself). I have been reading the thread and trying to keep up. It would be easier if I could prise the laptop out of DS1's hands!

I can't believe he didn't get you anything for your birthday Maggie! So not even the pretence of a normal relationship? I hope you had some good points in your day regardless.

So far so good with getting myself back on track. There have been a couple of incidents that might have escalated (DS2 slamming doors while I was trying to nap and the boys' bedroom getting trashed again) but I managed to keep my cool and deal with them without getting angry. I just hope it will be as easy when they're back at school and all the stress of getting them out in the morning.

Not so much luck with DH unfortunately. I have been 'quietly rebuking' him so as not to upset him or to interfere when he is dealing with the boys (who don't exactly make things easy). So I've been saying things like "Don't shout at him" or "You can't hit him". I'm trying to use simple statements of what DH is doing. Today he was shouting at them and kicked DS1 (gently but it's still not okay). I tried to speak to him about it but it didn't go well. I said he shouldn't have kicked him and DH started to tell me what DS1 had done - "It's his own fault for walking up the stairs so slowly." I said, "It's not DS1's fault that you kicked him" and DH said "Yes it is". So he doesn't even realise what he's doing is wrong. I said that it was abuse and he said "Fine" and that was the end of the conversation.

Oh God. Oh shit. I've just had a call from DS1's dad. DS1's beloved granddad has just died. This, after his nannie died in March. His granddad was a lovely, lovely man, but he was struggling to cope with his wife's death, and I think had relapsed into his alcoholism. I have a horrible feeling that he couldn't cope and... Maybe not though, I just don't know. Poor Ex, I could hardly understand him through his crying. I just feel numb. He was the one who sent me £500 as a Christmas present, he was truly lovely person. He was DS1's hero, he worshipped him. Oh God, he's going to be so upset...

Fuck FW, he can fuck off to the far side of fuck. I can't deal with him as well. He better not shit me up when I pick up DS2.

(sorry bout the swearing, I seem to have gone a bit 'street' in my grief...)

Looks like I'll get another visit back to Cambridge in the New year, but sooner than planned and for all the wrong reasons.

Oh, I'm so sorry pony
Love and thoughts are with you all x

pony so sorry to hear your DS1's granddad passed away. I hope your DSs will be okay through this - grief, obviously, but get through it okay. Thinking of you.

WoIsMe that is exactly the kind of behaviour I'm seeing from H. If I say something, it just escalates. If I don't, then it's just keeps going and that's not fair on the children. Just makes me want to bang my head on the wall.... or his.

pony I'm so sorry lovey, that's just so sad. DS1's grandad sounded absolutely lovely Give DS1 a hug from me. xxxx

pony so sorry at your news. It is quite common in old age for the partner left behind to kind of decide whether to stay or follow... I have seen it a few times

Ladies, don't be disconcerted when your FW does the reasonable thing, I have noticed that in some strange way I miss sparring with Ex Don't worry, I have plenty to occupy me, just thought it was an interesting thing to discover about myself...

Wishing us all a very happy New Year

Thanks for your thoughts, all. I haven't told DS1 yet, save that for another day. Have taken all the Christmas decs down, don't want him to associate Christmas with this awful news.
Silver, the thing is, he wasn't old. Mid-60s. Just didn't cope well on his own, his wife was the hub of the family, real Irish mammy. Can't believe it. I've known him for almost half of my life, and I've never yet met someone who didn't think he was an absolutely lovely, genuine and friendly person. He would do anything to help anyone. He was DS1's granddad, but I knew him and loved him for years before DS1 came along. Have lit a candle for him tonight.

And another whiplash handover from FW - DS2 all ready and at the door. I said 'can't I even see the girls, say Happy new Year?' His response was: It's not New Year yet. But the girls came to the door to see me, so meh to him.
I suspect I'll need to be down in Cambridge for several days for the funeral and seeing relatives, etc, that wont go down well but he can go take a running jump. Am going to email my solicitor about it tomorrow.

Anyway. Will be glad to see the back of this year. Wishing everyone a 2013 that is full of the life that we all deserve.

Pony, so sorry to her about your news. A similar thing happened in H's family this year which devastated DD and DSIL especially.

Until Saturday I was having a pretty good December - H and I getting on well, doing preparations for Christmas together, and a few things separately, but it was all coming together and I was beginning to think we were getting back to having a good relationship. Then I suggested we went out as a family. He thought he and I had other plans, which I thought had been postponed. Since then we have just about been civil and talking only about immediately necessary things. On Saturday night he went to pub by himself. Yesterday he suggested he and I go out tonight, to somewhere he knows I don't like going, and I said I didn't want to. Well, he has now gone out by himself, I asked him where he was going and he said he didn't know. Home alone, I have had a cry, and am dreading what the new year will bring. Feeling both sorry for myself and relieved that I don't have to sit in front of rubbish telly with him on his laptop in the other chair.

Sorry if this sounds garbled but I don't want to go into any more detail.

Sorry so many are having a difficult time - my life lurches from a period of good/ok/normal during which I think I can put up with stuff to have a mostly ok marriage to a period of crap when I start to wish the years away.

Not much older than me then , pony

otp there is only so much you can bottle up to keep the peace, having a good cry will probably do you some good, at least I hope so [hug]

Ohhh Pony am so sorry to hear about DS1s DGrandad, I remember you telling us all how lovely he was and how close you were to him too. Big hugs to you. When my best friend died earlier this year, I explained it to DD (ages 3) by saying she was now in the stars (a new star) and we can speak to her whenever we want. Quite a few occasions, when out in the dark early evening without me even saying anything, DD will look up at a twinkling star all excited and tell me that is DFriend saying hello to us and blowing us a kiss, it brings a tear to my eye but has helped me too to be honest to cope with my grief. The neighbours must think I'm mad sometimes having a rant to the sky in the garden late some evenings! DD also tells me not to worry that DFriend will be able to go on her holidays to the moon too!!

Happy New Year to you all lovely ladies, here is hoping 2013 will be all our years to be happy xx

Oh Maggie, that's just lovely. What a lovely, thoughtful girl your DD is, to thin of your friend like that, I'm not surprised it beings a tear to your eye it does to mine too.
And you know, one year for Christmas I suggested me and Ex named a star for his dad. We did, and ex's sis and her husband got their dad a telescope so he could look for it (even though it was in the southern hemisphere...). But he loved to look at the stars, loved his telescope. That's a great idea. I'll use that when I talk to DS1. Thanks. Still struggling to believe it, keep crying then feeling ok, then remembering...