Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships: 14

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Treegles - What a messed up little boy he is, to be more interested in his playthings than the real human beings in his life. I increasingly think that viewing them as children helps make it easier to view their behaviour dispassionately. He's a little boy throwing a strop because he's not feeling well, and like a child he thinks the world stops for him. put him in time out

try - that works for your FW too! A child having a strop over some chocolate as if it's the most important thing in the world.

Yes, my sis was pretty hard on me. She doesn't get it. But this was said during our 'making things better' talk her ranting at me, and since we hadn't been speaking for some months, if I'd protested or tried to stand up for myself more than I did (feebly, I admit), we would still not be speaking now. (I know, there's a parallel between her and my FW.)

Had a text about an hour ago from FW, asking if it's still ok for Monday. I said yes, said it might be an idea for him to get his own car seat (we've been transferring it from my car to his car and back again every weekend). He asked if I would be paying half for another car seat. Then another text about 10mins later saying he would keep my phone that he's been using as payment. Then another text saying thanks for letting him know about Monday, and he hoped we were having a nice time over the holidays!!!!! I have ignored all of them.

(BTW, there's no way I'll be paying half - when DS2 was born, FW banked pocketed around £500 DS2 was given in gifts, was meant to put it in a separate savings account but obviously that never happened. He gave me money to buy cot stuff, then also bought the car seat and a stair gate. So I estimate he's got about half of it left. Same as he banked the £2,500 his mum gave us to pay for our honeymoon and a new bed. Disappeared into his account. I paid for the honeymoon on my credit card (half got paid off with wedding money gifts, only just paid the rest off), and we bought the bed using wedding gift Argos vouchers. God, that makes me so mad when I think about it!!!!!)

Treegles - go for it. I don't think SS will necessarily get involved, depending on what the abuse has been. I've experienced EA, some minor PA - I've told all to my midwife, two health visitors and my GP, and there's been no SS involvement (perhaps because the children weren't particularly involved, although they were a bit). But, I know the HVs at least have made notes on my file about it all, so there's a record with professionals of what I've been going through. That helps me to feel a bit more in control of my situation. I think it will help you to talk to someone about it.

Pony I agree re the child like behaviour!

Sorry to hear about your sis being so hard on you

treagles as leclerc says, SS could well be very helpful to you, in that it would facilitate your exit as well as helping your dcs. But I know what you mean about the frightening aspect of all hell breaking loose; we're ingrained to avoid conflict by our destructive OHs, so it is counter-intuitive to our hard-won survival skills to run into a hail of bullets, figuratively speaking. Am I right in understanding that you have no (helpful) family nearby? Any other RL support available to you?

Could you speak to your local domestic violence service Treegles and maybe get a support worker to help you through? You are, as we all are, thinking how a split would affect him. I know I did, above thinking how it would affect me.
I also have interfering SILs who have form for aiding and abetting stupidity when my ex's first marriage split up, so I know where you are coming from there.

I was going to say the same, Matchsticks - Treegles it doesn't matter if he's not yet in counselling, it doesn't matter if he jacks in his testing, that's his choice, you can't let yourself be influenced (or controlled) by what he may or may not do.
At the end of the day, I don't think him either being in counselling or keeping going to the tests will make any difference to how he reacts to you leaving (or you asking him to leave), or how he will behave on an ongoing basis. The only thing I advise you to do first is see a solicitor, and that's just for your own peace of mind to know that he wont get the kids. Cos he wont. All the more reason for talking to your paed doc on Monday, get it recorded.

Have read through, but rather distractedly as NSDH keeps coming into the room, and am a bit weary and sleep-deprived in any case. Just wanted to update: remember the holiday in January he wanted and I didn't? One of you suggested I do whatever I need to get through... well, we are going. I don't want to go, but I didn't want to fight it and then have to provide entertainment for four bored and resentful dcs! So am hoping it'll be ok and I'll be able to continue to avoid dtd - there's been little pressure as yet (hoping it means he's having an affair!), but don't think it can last. Period due about now, though!

DD1 today, thinking about someone in her class, I think (do hope it was nothing NSDH said), said, "I hope you and Daddy never get divorced." She may even have phrased it, "I hope you never divorce Daddy." Eek!

Oops, he's back, see you in 10 days or so.

charlotte have a good holiday if at all possible! Hope it's ok.

Treegles - is everything ok?

Leclerc, that's reassuring, what you say about your dd1's reaction. My dd1 has been asking strange questions recently - like, "is there anything going on in the house you're not telling me" etc. I played for time because I didn't know what to say and also because it wouldn't be right to ask her to keep anything secret and I can't be forewarning fw for fear of what he might do.

Treegles Hope you are ok? Just send us all an OK post if you can, no need to go into detail. Stay safe.

In other news...FW actually gave me nothing for my birthday, when I asked did he forget to give me a card he told me why would he give a card let alone a present to someone he doesn't even like or is friends with or deserves it. Charming. Am tired today. Dad was very EA today when we were all out for the day, aimed all at my DMum but in front of us all, EA never leaves them I don't think, always lurking there waiting to pop up when we least expect it. I bit my tongue more than once. DD was then as a result really naughty/cheeky (basically copying his behaviour) however he doesn't see this and told her off etc etc. I was fit to burst with anger. Oh well, off home tomorrow out of the frying pan into the fire. Thinking of you all, sorry not had time to respond properly/support properly x

take care Maggie hope you enjoy your last night on the bed! sorry to hear of rubbish day and birthday present crap!

I missed your postings Treegles but have a sense of them from the responses and hope you are safe.

.. and thanks from me for words of support last night. Brief, sorry, I know I've missed loads out but thread(s) moving too fast for me just now.

take care all.

Hi Fi hope you're ok (ish)?

maggie so sorry to hear about your fw's crap bd behaviour . Happy Birthday my love [choc]

Oh Maggie, what a horrible, horrible thing for him to say to you. I think he's saying it because he thinks he can, that you wont do anything about it, you'll just take it as you do with everything. So in that respect, you've done your acting job well. What's the plan for the New Year? That'll be the best present you could give yourself, your freedom and freedom for your DCs. Hugs.

I kind of spoke to DS1 last night. We were playing his room, doing lego, and it felt like a good time. Mentioned getting all his other lego from the house, said that we now wouldn't be moving back there. Explained again that it was because of FW's previous behaviour - and DS1 talked about a few incidents of his own that obviously stick in his mind, like the night that FW was angry while I was putting DS1 to bed, so he turned the music on in the kitchen and put it up full blast (and I mean full). The kitchen is right under DS1's bedroom. I went in and turned it down a couple of times, he just turned it up even louder (twat). DS1 couldn't get to sleep because of the noise and knew that FW was doing it deliberately and could hear us arguing.

I said FW was having a hard time dealing with the fact that it was over and was being a bit difficult, and was unhappy with us seeing the girls. I didn't say specifically that FW didn't want to see DS1 any more fudged it but I did say repeatedly that we wouldn't be going up to the house any more. Explained that when DS2 went up on Monday, DS1's friend was coming for the day.

DS1's main question in it all? Was I going to get married again.
But at the end, he sis ask if we could stop talking about it all because it was making him upset.

DS1 has asked me again today about me getting married again, and if I would be going back to my maiden name (ie his surnmae), and mentioned FW this morning (in context of getting something from the house) and I gently reminded him that we wouldn't be going to the house any more. He just said 'Oh that's right' and go on with his drawing.

But I know what DS1's like, he keeps it all in and instead of it coming out in bad behaviour, it'll eat away at him and his confidence. I had a look online last night about some resources, might speak to his teacher when school goes back.

Ah pony you handled that so beautifully and sensitively poor ds1, internalising stuff. Great idea re resources through school etc. interesting what has stuck in his mind. The music in the kitchen scene sounds so awful- you have so done the right thing for you and dcs- but you know that anyway xx

Ladies, unable to post much right now but reading posts and thinking of u all. Big BD hugs to you Maggie, and hope ur time away is ok Charlotte. Im really struggling again, its these weekends as a 'family' that get me. Evil FIL coming today, give me strength and hugs

Thanks Try - I don't feel like I did, I feel like I fudged it. But at least I've done the main 'telling', and any other issues can be discussed as they come up more in context. I feel just awful when I think about the things my lovely, sensitive DS1 saw and experienced through me being with FW and how that's affecting him still (despite him seeming fine to most onlookers). And I'm still so angry with FW that he cannot see how awful he has behaved.

Despite not seeing FW for the last three or four weeks, DS1's not mentioned him at all. But now he's started talking about things. He told me randomly this morning about FW telling him he couldn't play with DS2's toys and snatching a toy off him and how he was almost crying. I guess maybe it's a good thing that's coming out though?

How are you feeling about seeing the flat tomorrow?

Oh Nini, you've had so much to deal with recently, and I think this Christmas 'family' time is just the tin lid. Can you get out of the house at all with EFil is here?

Thinking of you. Keeping focusing on the future, and looking for more rented places in the New Year. Sending you hugs on top.

Hi pony aw your ds1 sounds so lovely. As you say, it's probably a good thing that he's beginning to talk about stuff and you got him out while he's still young and he will heal and thrive with your love and support

Nini good luck with your EFil- so sorry things are so tough- it's a very difficult time of year for people in our situation

Pony thanks for thinking of me tomorrow. I keep wavering (feeble) but hearing your stories from the having got out perspective is so encouraging

Cant escape or NSDH will get the hump with me. If im lucky they might take DD up the pub boring fuckers who put their desire for alcohol above any need for her to have fun.

Good luck for tomorrow Try

Sounds like you did well, pony, you kept it sort of gentle and paved the way for further talk.

nini the meditation room is here for you (you can be there in your head).

And try hope it all goes well tomorrow.

Those deleted posts are worrying me