Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships: 14

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Pony that makes me so angry on yours and Ds1's behalf. How any teacher could reject his own ss- grrr. On the practical front, could you twist it and say you are def breaking from fw because of his dysfunctional behaviour and ds1's own dad is not happy about fw's behaviour so would prefer to limit contact? Pretty feeble idea possibly! but just trying to think of how to minimise pain for your lovely ds. Maybe a toned down version of that or something? Sorry may not be appropriate!

The alien smileys disguise themselves as normal ones in order to take over world perhaps? Like the evil snowmen in Dr Who and Leclerc's teddy of doom

.. and apologies for the 'poor me' post...

Evening all.

try - I spluttered wine all over my laptop at your reference to Leclerc's 'teddy of doom'! That's v funny. Great name for it, I presume it's still ensconced in the shower cubicle? (And I loved the Dr Who this year, fab! Can't wait for the new series.)

Leclerc I agree with you about different layers of WDHDT - I started rereading recently too, and although I got a lot out of it first time I read it, I got different things out of it this time because I was in a different place.

Fi - no apologies. It's a difficult time of year all round I think, you are doing great to get through it at all. I saw a pic on Facebook earlier with a quote: 'As the dawn of a New Year approaches, the time to figure out what to bring with you and what to leave behind is now.'
You are on your way to leaving him behind you, emotionally at least. You're getting there, it's just never a straight, flat road, there are always bumps and bends along the way. But you'll still get there.

Part of me agrees with all of you about getting FW to do his own dirty work. but the rest of me wants him nowhere near my child any more if he can throw him off so easily. And, like you say, who knows what he'll say. I know it wouldn't be anything detrimental, but it could still be something that twists DS1's mind.

try, I like the first part of your idea - just be honest and say that we're not going back because I'm really upset with FW's behaviour, and so I'm not happy for DS1 to continue to be subjected to that on his own without me there. But that makes me the bad guy, although maybe that's what I'll need to do to avoid him feeling rejected. I am reluctant to make out that it's because of his dad, that doesn't seem fair to his dad - although if his dad knew everything, he would surely be of that opinion.

thanks Pony for your thoughts, and I think I can't bear another year Xmas was one thing but another year hmmmm - sorry again... just morose and sick of the energy it takes to get through. I know its hard for all.

You're a great mum and I know you can rely on yourself to make the best choice for your DS to break it to him in the way he will best understand (as long as he'll never view it as your fault, which is so cruel but is a risk if the FW doesn't do - WA always very strong about the children seeing the FW's for what they are, the reality and no pretence).

That's what I meant - he wouldn't be so obvious as to say anything bad about me or about the situation, but could get a few little digs into DS1's lovely head. I don't want that to happen.

Hello!

Fi I can really relate to what you say about being voiceless and lurking on here- I was doing same for a while because I felt speechless. Glad you're back and please don't do any apologising - we are here for eachother and no apologies needed on here [hugs]

pony it's a really difficult situation for you re ds1 but if anyone can manage it well, it's you - I think you're a great mum and whatever you do will be the right thing, your advice and thinking is always sage and balanced xx

leclerc I wonder if TOD is glowing faintly in his shower cubicle

I've been out with some friends - laughed ALL evening - it's been great. Given me a bit of clarity too, although we didn't discuss my situation at all - just being with friends and laughing gave me a blast of fresh air

aw thanks try I'm sooo sick of it. when is it ever going to get better!? (glad you've had a blast)

aw fi it will get better my love, you are great and this is a hard patch you're going through but as they say, this too will pass and you're a strong, intelligent woman and you will feel better soon

I feel I have to do something, but I don't know what it is.. I just can't face NY. I'm really not strong atall, but I thank you for lovely words. I'm just sick of being alone with this really. Its hard without WA atall, and the other agency that could help out are only interested in those that r just about to be killed I think (which is just awful thought). The EA slowly kills and so many don't understand. There was something on a thread, might have been this, that said about how much it is to face and how terrifying that can feel and that its too much to face, but actually its cleaning out and .. .. Oh I don't know.. I'm sorry for rambling on.. I just want to be on my own I think without any responsibilities and certainly not a FW still being a FW... still rambling...
Good wishes to all

Yes I couldn't agree more, the EA does slowly destroy and undermine. But we are together in this, on this thread and you have friends and support on here, with no judgment and a lot of and support. Hang on to that

PS I agree, NY is a bastard, just like bloody valentines and all the other days that seem invented to torture people who are having a hard time ATM. But we on here (and loads more in RL), we know life's not really all that disney/hallmark and it's ok to struggle and need support xxx

Hi all-still at parents so not on here much ((hugs)) to all

Fi my darling, hope you can start to feel better about everything soon. Easier said than done I know. You are an amazing amazing AMAZING lady that has been through so much shit and got through it and are now on the other side. Please don't be so hard on yourself, you are stronger than you believe x I always think once escaped it must feel like going through the recovery process of someone that has been held hostage for years but still having to have the hostage taker in your life because of DC Be kind to yourself my lovely, its time to rebuild strength and your life. I HATE this time of year too. Make the NY a new start, a new life for you. Should really practise what I preach hey?! Take care and remember we are always here for you whenever xx

PS-I agree, so so so hard to explain stuff in RL to people that don't underatand or have ever experienced this sort of abuse or that don't have any concept whatsoever about the damage it does to us and DC I've not even escaped yet but know the last 13 years will affect me until the day I die.

EA + PA (Mild-moderate) + FA + SA = Killing me slowly

In other news....its my birthday tomorrow (that's my cover blown for any RL nosys that know me!) and I'm spending it without FW-yayy! However spending it with Ex-EA dad who still lets slip every now and then and is already telling my DC not to do this and that His OCD (which developed since stopping being EA) is doing my head in too! But on the other hand I am getting nice lie-ins without FW here to call me all the names under the sun bacause I dared to sleep. FW has also put a birthday present in my suitcase from him and the kids-cant wait to open it in the morning, I am half expecting it to be the xmas present he got me re-wrapped in birthday paper!!! Wishing i could spend my birthday in the commune tbh, I've never really had a really really good birthday, its at a rubbish time of year. I think this week has to be my worst in every year actually. Hoping next year will be very different...I know what ill be wishing for when I blow my candles out tomorrow on the cake DMum has got for me. Will be a wish for us all on here xx

PPS-Welcome to newbies, we are all here for you at anytime xx

Sorry for epic posts at silly o'clock, this bed sleeping rather than cramped sofa is a novelty for me and I'm too excited to sleep! Just had to tell you what is now going through my mind....taking a chainsaw to poor TOD-teddy of dooms head and limbs! (Sorry Leclerc!) Nini you got me thinking! And in the absence of FW TOD is getting it tonight!! Night night all x rolls over in bed and not off sofa onto floor

Aw Leclerc. That's a hard conversation for you to have had - and I think especially now, when you are dealing with so much over Christmas, and everything with FW is still so, so raw for you. Maybe it's good that it's done and dusted though, not something else to be dealt with at some point in the future. I hope BiL (and DSis) were understanding though, can they now see the reasons behind what you said? I think we've all done this kind of thing, because it was easier than standing up to our FWs. It's not a get-out-of-jail-free card - if it was, you'd be feeling nothing about using that as your excuse. But you still feel guilty. Over the summer, when I was at my parents' house, they went on holiday and while they were away I had FW down to the house lots of times. I felt dreadful, I felt like I was taking the piss massively. I felt my parents would be really upset if they knew he was there, but FW was telling me it was ok, more or less telling me I had to. I knew it was wrong but I let myself be lead by him. It was all I could do to stop him staying over in my parents' bed. Something in me knew that was too far. And when my DSis had that 'talk' with me a couple of months ago, she told me she knew I'd had him to the house (friends live just up the road telltales), and she told me she thought I was terrible and disrespectful. I felt dreadful. Because although I knew I was under pressure, and had tried to say no, in the end it was me that allowed it.

But try not to beat yourself up about this. You need to be building yourself up not pulling yourself under. It was four years ago, you were in such a different place, you were someone who was doing what they had to in order to survive. Now is a new start for your family, and now maybe for your relationship with DSis and BiL. You've taken responsibility for what happened. You've owned it and apologised, while trying to explain what lead you to do it (not excusing yourself, but trying to help them understand better). Now you need to forgive yourself.

Maggie - happy birthday! Hope you enjoy the cake. xx

enjoy your bed Maggie lovely, and have a lovely FW free birthday wth your DCs and hope ExEA DF can hold on the slips today for you. Thanks for your kind supportive words.

I was in a dark place last night and very very emotional, and really appreciated the support. I realise how I'm not strong, otherwise I would have stood up to it all over the years, but I have been too shattered inside to do that and that means I have to travel the weaknesses to come to a place of feeling stronger IYGWIM. I used to think I was strong and I have learnt to survive, but thats all, its just a way to protect and hold it all together, but inside is very fragile, and sooo sad (oh christ, thought i'd done crying last night, here we go again).

A recurring dream of mine Leclerc the silent screaming. Trapped from speaking, silenced and voiceless. I can't shout at the people that are shouting at me in my dreams nightmares (I try and there's no sound) or push away the people that are pushing and hitting me (my arms have no strength).

I wish I could literally choose the stuff to take with me into the next year and leave behind the rubbish, unfortunately I am the rubbish (as in I cannot dump it until I have rummaged through it and sorted it out, and realised which bits I can now let go of).

I've no idea what time I eventually went to sleep, but feeling somewhat battered today - blurghhh.

I have welcomed these people into my life! and now I'm stuck with them . Altho actually I welcomed someone I thought was decent and kind into my life (I didn't know about the monster!).

Fi, I think I know what you mean. People keep telling me how brave and strong I am, and really I don't feel it. I am surviving. I am getting by day to day. Inside I feel fragile and sad too, sometimes it's very near the surface and sometimes it's buried a bit deeper. Sending you good thoughts, hope you are feeling better today. It's just one foot in front of the other sometimes.

I have exactly the same recurring dreams - I've mentioned it on here before, because of the night a few months ago when I had a dream and actually full-on punched my headboard, I was amazed because usually in dreams my arms are like spaghetti (like my head). There must be an underlying subconscious feeling behind it, maybe a feeling of powerlessness over our situation? I don't know. Must look it up.

leclerc that was a difficult conversation and it sounds like you handled it with grace. I am sure they have some understanding now that things are more in the open?

Maggie re the violent thoughts towards TOD!!! I bet he's getting a bit nervous, glowing faintly there in leclerc's far away shower cabinet

Pony don't beat yourself up about your fw coming over in the summer, love - it's so difficult to make the break and it's inevitable there are ragged edges, not a clean cut. My fw broke through boundaries continually like that when we last split. Your sis sounds like she was pretty hard on you?

Fi I am glad you're feeling a little better, though knackered and mentally battered

When I first got together with fw all those years ago, he did the classic EA thing of falling madly in love too quickly and pressurising me to live with him almost immediately ("if we don't live together it's probably best to just break up because just going out doesn't mean anything") Being young and eager to be in love I did... anyway at the time I had recurring dreams of being on an out of control double decker bus hurtling downhill towards a bridge - ha ha - my subconscious is clearly a bit wiser than me

Today he's gone into mega sulk about some choc of his I "accidentally" (ahem) ate last night after coming back from my night out and feeling a little merry . Apparently he was saving it and was playing a game with kids about it, teasing them with it (so that's nice, FW, NOT) and now I've "spoilt" it - and replacing it won't help! How old is he, FFS? I have zero respect for him. Roll on sodding Monday when I finally get to view this flat.

Yes exactly treegles re priorities

What I appreciate about this thread is that those invisible problems that we can't put into words can be acknowledged, like the voicelessness fi mentioned - it's awful