Hi all, I'm a newbie to this thread and a bit in shock. I didn't realise for a long time that I was being emotionally abused. I did have a problem with the way DH was treating the DCs but I didn't realise it extended to me as well. It has been getting much worse lately: the name-calling, martyrdom, shouting, swearing, unreasonable expectations, aggression and violence. I grew up with treatment like this, and so did he, so I think we're both a bit blind to it. My MIL was emotionally abused by my FIL for years and it only stopped quite recently after she was hospitalised with depression after a series of suicide attempts.
But that's not my biggest problem. I started looking up red flags and symptoms of emotional abuse on the Internet and I'm doing it too, to DH and to the DCs. I have been battling depression all year and I have been near suicidal at times and self harming (banging my head), sometimes on a daily basis lately. And I think I have been influenced by my DH's behaviour. The low point came when I was playing with DS3 and I affectionately called him a dickhead. Which is quite unbelievable, I was really shocked with myself and forced into the realisation that I had unwittingly copied my DH's manner of addressing the children. But I can't blame my behaviour on him. I suspect that we have both been feeding off each other's stress and the abusive behaviour has been propagated. I'm certainly not as bad as him but I'm not an innocent in all this either. I have shouted and sworn at my kids, self harmed in front of them, talked about leaving, and threatened to take away their toys which they wouldn't tidy away, which sounds trivial but must leave them feeling vulnerable, that their possessions could be stripped away from them on my whim.
So what do I do now? I was in the middle of working out how to deal with my DH's abuse but now I find that I'm guilty of it as well. I was at the point of phoning social services before Christmas to tell them I couldn't look after my children but my mum talked me out of it. She's a health visitor and she was worried that the kids would be taken away from me and put into care. Is there any way back from here? All the information I can find on the Internet is about getting away from abuse. I can't find anything on how recover when you are the one blindly repeating the lessons of your childhood and creating yet another broken generation. The websites make it sound like an abuser is doing it deliberately but I don't want to hurt my children. It should be easy to stop: I have done the parenting course and read the self-help books, I know how to care for my children. The problem is that if it was that easy, I wouldn't be doing it. I know that I don't ever want to do it again but I'm worried that the stress and depression and the bad habits are going to undermine my good intentions.
If I'm going to tackle my DH's abusive behaviour then I have to sort out my own problems first. If it came to the point where I had to leave him (which is looking increasing likely) then I need to be in a position where I can look after my children in an appropriate manner and at the moment I don't think I could do it. One DC has special needs and is very difficult to handle, but he is already starting to copy his father's aggressive behaviour, e.g. shouting over the top of his friends when they are speaking, standing over people to dominate them, and making violent threats towards his brother. I am also worried about the physical safety of my youngest. DH lost it while changing his nappy last night and held him up to his face to shout, "Will you please shut up" to him. DH picked him up so roughly that I was worried about his neck and spent the rest of the night leaping up to see to him at every sound because I didn't want DH to go near him again. I don't understand how things have got so bad, so quickly. DH has taken our three DCs to the park and two of the neighbours' kids as well at the moment so I'm left on edge, wondering what might happen. He'll put on his 'game face' for the neighbours' kids, pretending that everything is normal, but he's so close to the edge at the moment between work stress and sleepless nights that he may be more likely to lose it in public.
Sorry for the epic post. Once I started typing it just all spilled out.