Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships: 14

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Fi hugs to you too sad re your fw's treatment of ds, but I am glad for you that you no longer have to deal with fall out.

Leclerc and for you re his tosspottery. (perhaps they buy their personalities at Tosspottery Barn [feeble joke emoticon] ) He's really wriggling and lashing out like the viper he truly is

trying, I told my mum about the EA, but not about the PA. She could only just about be in the same room as FW as it was (awkward since she'd babysit if we went out for a meal, and FW always noticed her 'offness' and interrogated me). She would have been unable to do even that if she'd known about the PA. But maybe that would have made me leave earlier.

Leclerc, he's an utter piece of work. Perhaps you should assume that everything he says in email will be utter wank, and just send whatever emails you need to but ignore/delete/laugh at his replies? It's all about manipulation, and it's so ingrained in his being that I don't even think he realises he's doing it (or maybe he does, in which case it's even worse).

Fi, sending you good happy Crimbo thoughts, glad you don't have to do the dance on Christmas Day, hope it's a happy one for you.

Fi the smiley was mean to be a sad face re your fw, hope I didn't inadvertantly come across as unsympathetic! My computer is being weird atm - prob got fw spyware on it

Well I also went to see my GP this week on the advice of my solicitor. He suggested that if FW is going to play silly beggars about the house he will probably drag his feet when told to leave (my solicitor has the measure of him alright!). So...getting an injunction might be a good idea...but there needs to be some valid reason for it.

But now my lovely GP has agreed to write a letter to say that the constant emotional stress I'm under 'could' be causing my recurrent bouts of pneumonia and affecting my health generally. GP also suggested I make a record of any child care concerns I have when FW is looking after DS (like the bedtime issue) and that I talk to DS's school and have them record my concerns about how the current living arrangements might be affecting him.

Im constantly amazed by how much other people are shocked by FW's behaviour. He is an emotional abuser but it seems so...vague sometimes when I try and explain it. I always worry that the people I tell will be dismissive and say I'm over reacting. I know that others here have felt the same...

pony ditto re the dm situation! God, all the fws are like clones, thank God for this thread, it really does clear the spagheadery seeing similar situations repeated for every individual though.

bertie yy re the vague feeling re the ea. Great idea re the gp letter. Perhpas I will do the same re my hospital visits etc... also great idea re recording the concerns re fw child care. I can't remember if I asked before but is your sol an ea specialist? Well done you re seeing gp and I am very glad you felt supported there.

leclerc, glad you've got them 'coraled' for now. Save them for when you feel up to it. That way you choose when to interact with him.

Trying def do that re your own hospital visits. There's nowt to lose and owt to gain.

I say again it's Christmas - think Lord of Misrule time. A time to roll with some of the punches, like letting your OH stay up late with DS in bed. We woman have the Christmas adrenalin flowing round our bodies atm, all women do at this time of year, even those in the most loving and supportive relationships :)

Bertie you should be overjoyed that he is in a mood if it's because his solicitor has endorsed yours! As my own FW would not consult a sol, he had no-one to rein him in. I would imagine you would not get further than First Appointment, we settled just before, but I was prepared to put my full case to the Family Court if necessary (thank god I didn't, though, as case is complex cos of our circs and his lies I would have had to stay up 24/7 to get it all presentable to a judge). I gave my costs above, I thought it was well worth it, included advice, representation, doc prep, negotiation directly with FW.

leClerc by trying to force the issue like this, he is clearly shooting himself in the foot, even if you were open to his eventual return, which you aren't. To respect another person you must a) let them be, and b) let them be free.

Just to make it clear, at First Appointment, judge says what he would say if he was making a final judgement. But he isn't making a final judgement!

This focusses the minds of the Petitioner and Respondent, and their solicitors negotiate with each other on their behalf, before the hearing, and if no agreement reached, after the hearing.

If settlement can't be reached, that's when it starts to cost big money to carry on the legal route - for a start, barristers are involved (unless you represent yourself (!))

So if ours had gone on to First Appointment, it wouldn't have cost that much more in sol's fees, and we would have got a (semi)-definitive answer from the judge (if you carry on further, another judge takes over, who may come to a different conclustion)

thanks Try, Pony and no, don't worry, I took the smiley to relate to the hugs thanks.

I used to open FW mail before 10! (am) to have the day to stop shaking, process, and then make myself wait some days before responding, and then just used to respond and not send (so ignore it pretty much).

WA away for a while now (feels like forever!) :(

Yes Silver I'm rolling with it! I'm picking my battles carefully. It's much more productive to watch and record (as long as DS is ok).

That's useful advice about the first appointment. My solicitor said the same. He thinks FWs solicitor is a bit of a wet fish and might not put FW straight on what's likely to happen or might have figured out he's a loony and be fleecing him for every penny . Therefore it might be the first appointment that's needed for settlement....

hey everyone. knackered today. im trying to find a way of dealing with my feelings without being resentful or bitter about dh and his family. im finding little things very hard. like last night was the second night of hardly any sleep and a 6am start. today is dhs day to take dd at ten. he tells me yesterday 'expect me to be late tomorrow as im going out for my christmas work do tonight'. he's constantly late anyway.

its not the fact of me having dd, its the principle that he is getting to do whatever he wants, his life has not changed, he goes out, prob till early hours of morning, then gets to sleep the whole night and considers ten thirty getting up early. while im up multiple times at night and in the am. i know this is normal for a mother, but i am just having problems accepting that he is getting off with everything. this morning he just sent his parents down to get dd and they took her to church anyway.

i know this is all trivial stuff but its just holding me back from moving on. he just takes her when it suits him. being exhausted doesn't help. itd be nice to get out for the night too sometime. sorry for moaning. im just having a rough couple of days.

can't remember if i said already but i did see a solicitor and we have agreed that i will try mediation, but she will be there in the background ready to send a letter if things turn nasty or don't work.

Hi Treegles - I'm not so much of a regular on here either but thought it would be nice to welcome you anyway ! I've dipped in and out here a bit, especially on a bad day. There are some wonderful wise and warm people here who have really made me feel understood when experiencing a nasty episode of Fuckwittery.
I'm sorry for the way your (D)H has been behaving, especially with the children.
I find the way the DC's are embroiled in things one of the hardest aspects to deal with too.
Love and strength to you and to all through the Christmas season
In the short term could you suggest he at least goes to MIL's for Christmas ?
Don't know if that would help at all ?

Ladies, please help me. I don't think I've got the strength to get through this. Had a blazing row with him within earshot of my family. I'm feeling so humiliated and low, I just want to hide and cry. He's been playing the 'I'm very ill and sick despite it being just a cold' card all weekend (complete with his best I'm-so-poorly face) so the house is still a tip, we're all crammed in and Mum keeps going on about 'sorting' rooms in time for Tuesday. It's very claustraphoic.

All the usual little snidey comments are there from him, I'm like a tightly wound spring with both him and my family here. Went to pick up my sister with my Mum and DD this afternoon, which was stressful enough. Got home, trying to sort out DD's dinner when he suddenly goes to the dining room table, picks up a letter and starts shouting "How long has THIS been here?" I ignored him at first so he starts waving it under my nose. Told him I had no idea what it was or how long its been there, he tells me he isn't accusing me of that. I carry on feeding DD while he's reading this letter, then she wants a top up in her drink. I asked him if he could fill her beaker up, he turns around, letter in hand, and slams it dramatically on the table, in front of my family and DD, and starts shouting at me "I JUST WANT TO READ THIS BLASTED LETTER!"

My family all vanish, I carry on feeding DD, then take her upstairs for a bath. Then made the mistake of coming back down while her bath is running to have a 'quiet' word with him in the kitchen to tell him to calm down. He then starts shouting at me that I'm 'not seeing his point of view', that the letter concerns something about his childcare vouchers from work. I told him he was acting like a child, he needed to calm down, and if I ever behaved like that in front of his family he'd be mortified. He then accused me of wanting a divorce, that I DO act like that () in front of his family, and that I was being aggressive. I said that if I had to walk away from him in this room now without discussing it, that I wouldn't be talking to him again for the rest of the night. He then accused me of acting like a child. And so on it went until my sister accidently walked in so I left the room.

Now the tension is horrific. He was playing with DD and her cars and standing on some of her books (done because he knows it upsets me) so I asked him not to stand on them - he picked them up and flung them into her book box. Again in front of my family and DD.

I can't do this anymore. I'm going to end up killing either him or me. I don't care which but this has to stop. Help!

Treegles well done for asking him to go.
leClerc well done to you and DD1. You have clearly lifted a burden from her.
Nini can you talk honestly to your family about what you have been coping with?
[hugs]

If your family have witnessed this, would they let you come and stay until you can find somewhere to rent?

Wow, Leclerc, what a lot to deal with. That's great that you could make the decision for dd1, and that she seems calmer after that. Poor lass, though, with the inappropriate blood thoughts... And poor ds1 not realising that you wouldn't be there - it's such a lot to compute at his age. Should think it'll be a relief when Christmas is all over in your household...

Hi, Treegles - well done for making a stand and good luck with difficult next steps and decisions. Just thinking that maybe the SNs and his inept dealing with them maybe works in your favour, as unsupervised contact is clearly not suitable, so the decision will be made for you? Or is that rubbish? - post-leaving issues are still a bit murky and mysterious for me! Anyway, welcome and do keep posting.

Nini, so sorry to hear all that - its sounds incredibly stressful. Are your family difficult to deal with when FW is not around? I get the impression they are not very supportive? Hope you can take yourself into a quiet room for a 10-minute breather when you need to. ((hugs))

They can be hard work, they know what hes like, I dont think they like him but they would never say so. I cant move in with them, Mum lives 3 hours away, my sister 2. He's now acting like im being unreasonable as i wont talk to him about mundane things. Apparently I 'hid' his letter from him. Need strength and wine.