Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships: 14

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Leclerc ahhh you will be able to rest now and catch up on well needed sleep! I put money on it that FW is feeding DS1 and DD2 bull info everytime they go and trying to turn them against you. Its like brainwashing them. Or even just talking to DD2 about it and telling her to relay the info to DS1? You are totally doing the right thing and not rising to it. I recall there being some kids books about parents seperating that may work well if you and DS1 read together-i seen them on amazon and am going to get in preparation for my DD (aged 3) think there are ones for all age ranges. Not sure about DD2, she is at that difficult age, know doesn't sound very nice, but I hope FW will show his true colours in front of her and she will then realise x

Rather shocked. DS put his finger in the pudding as I was getting it out of the fridge - both I and DD1 (who likes to practise her bossiness) said his name in shocked tones which made him stop and look suitably ashamed - then NSDH came along and said, "What have you been up to now?" and gave him a push on his shoulder. It was gentle, and maybe to remove him a bit from the pudding - but I am right to think it's a Bad Thing, aren't I?

Not noticed him use any physical aggression before, hence shock, although thinking about it he has stopped dcs leaving the room when they want to get away from him. Is this wrong too?

Yes, I suppose it is. I've always been uncomfortable with it, but not seen it for what it is.

And now he's escaping from his grief at his audience parents leaving by watching children's TV. With the 5yo and 2yo. Something that's too scary for both of them imo (from what I can see in the next room). Idiot.

After the fog of yesterday, however, I am seeing FWery much more clearly today.

I'm not sure which is worse, tbh.

Yesterday I was worrying that I'd harm the dcs by leaving when there was no good reason... Today I'm seeing the harm that's being done to them now! And feeling ground down by him myself. It's as though in the fog I'm flailing round blindly, but when it lifts, I'm semi-paralysed.

Take your time, it's Christmas, you are allowed to run any FW appeasing strategies you need to (but in an ironical, post- modern realisation way.)

LeClerc it's unremitting I know, and with 4 DC!! Hope you can take some time to recharge your batteries over the coming days.

Charlotte, definitely not right. It's pushing. That's abuse. (look it up on one of the links at the top) It's also using the threat of further physical violence as intimidation. FW used to do this to me, most of what he did would not be severe enough to warrant a phonecall to the police - a little shove or light punch on the shoulder, a hand gripped too tightly, a backhanded slap on my (8-months pregnant) belly, a cuff to the back of my head. Plus the physical blocking if I was trying to leave the room. And he would do the head-cuff thing to DS1, before we were married - although I told him it was unacceptable and it had to stop, he mouthed off at me being unreasonable but it didn't continue, which I'm glad for.

I'm with you totally on the paralysis. I had it in spades the whole time I was still there. I felt stuck. I knew I couldn't stay, because things were awful, and I couldn't make myself leave because that prospect was just too scary. You will be gone at some point soon. But be kind to yourself. Your paralysis is a symptom of his abuse. You will push through it at some point, I know it. One of the things that helped me push through it was a frank telephone conversation with a friend (the one who forced me to leave on the day by telling my parents about the physical abuse), who was in floods of tears on the phone to me. She asked what would happen if DS1's dad knew he was living with this abuse, witnessing it and experiencing it. The answer was that he wouldn't be happy, and there is a chance he would try and get DS1 from me. It was something I was aware of but pushed to the back of my mind. But she made me face it full in the face and I was in bits.

Stay calm and take each day as it comes. Keep seeing him for what he is, and detach detach detach! Sending hugs.

You're so right that it's a symptom of the abuse. I was feeling really weary this afternoon, trying to get on but limbs all felt so heavy - and I realised the small ways in which he'd just been making me feel inadequate and suddenly felt kinder to myself!

Still, hoping to get out mid-January, so in a month I should be in a much better place - woohoo!

Yes, yes, and yeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssss!

Yes any sort of pushing or blocking or physical intimidation is definitely
not on...FWs favourite with me was following me when I was trying to get away from him into another room

Anyway...my catch up.

So on Monday FW and I had the finance mediation session. I finally saw his financial disclosure and it was more or less as I expected...he can't afford to buy my share of the house. Oh and I'm due a lot bigger share of the assets than I thought due to the size of his pension...

The mediator (oh great one) pointed out to him that my offer to buy his share of the house was very generous...he would not get as much money if we sold the house. It is also the most logical and practical option (why pay for two new homes when one of us can stay in the existing one).

FW still refuses...he says he does not want me and DS to have the house. He would rather throw away tens of thousands of pounds than let us stay....

The mediator was visibly shocked by what he said...that he didn't care about the money. She pointed out that if it went to court any judge would order him to sell his share to me. He still refused!

Finally she said that we both needed to go away and talk to our solicitors...and come back to her in early January...and that if no agreement was reached by then, there was nothing more she could do for us....it would have to go to court.

I saw my solicitor this week and he went through all the figures again...he actually said that FW needs a kick up the arse! We will start proceedings if FW doesn't accept my offer in January....

FW also went to see his solicitor on Thursday...he hasn't spoken to me since (apart from grunts)...and the fury emanating from him is almost visible (and a bit scary actually). I am assuming that his solicitor told him that the mediator was right and that I will get the house...

Blimey this is going be some Christmas

Hi girls, sorry been a bit absent recently; I've been reading thread and thinking support to all suffering, but things have been on top of me and didn't know how to post because it seemed like nothing but everything IYSWIM. FW is back to fwittery with a vengeance. My dm said to me yesterday (she's staying), "wow FW's in a bad mood today isn't he!" I was surprised because he wasn't, particularly - just being "normal". I told her, "you should see his bad mood" . I feel stuck too. The paralysis has struck since my hospital trip - maybe because feeling very weakened and poorly.

Sympathy to all suffering fwittery - seems it's like norovirus at the mo. I don't think I will ever want another relationship once I've escaped from this misery - I can't imagine ever trusting anyone not to turn out like fw.

bertie re the anger emanating from your fw. Horrible to live with. His reaction re house sounds like he's a clone of my fw. It's just so hard for us normal people to understand the depths of their vindictiveness and unreasonableness

Bertie - that's good in the sense that your approach is being vindicated as reasonable (legally, I mean). Not good in that FW is not going to take well to being forced to accept your way of thinking or your way of doing things. If it has to go to court, are you covered by legal aid or will you have to pay?
What are the plans chez Bertie for Christmas? You getting some time on your own?

trying - I know what you mean about nothing and everything, but I guess that shows how used you are to it (and based on what your mum said too). You need to focus on getting yourself healthy again, so glad your mum is there in that sense. Have you told her about his abuse, or hinted at it?

I know, it's hard to believe anyone could be so calculatedly vindictive. Having spent time with DSDs today, which their mum is more than happy for me to do, and knowing that they are reluctant to tell their dad that they're still seeing me, it occurs to me that his reason for not wanting me to see them is just to hurt me. I can't believe that is true, but increasingly I believe that it is. They will do anything if it spoils our chances of being happy by their hands.

Trying I feel the same about meeting someone in the future...I don't think I could ever trust anyone again. And yes...the vindictiveness is what's terrifying me the most...my mind keeps playing games with me...thinking about what else he might do.

Pony Christmas in chez Bertie will probably not be a jolly affair. FW and I are splitting the day to spend with DS (he's got DS the first half and I have him the second half). We're doing the same on Boxing Day. I have DS tomorrow and Christmas Eve.

Luckily DS and I have a lot of invites from friends over the next few days so we won't be in the house much...good job as the atmosphere is atrocious

I can't wait until tomorrow when I look after DS again. There is one thing that's really bothering me.

I don't know why but FW is having problems getting DS to sleep. He can't get him to settle at night when its a 'daddy day' and gives up really quickly. If needed, I will lie down next to DS until he goes to sleep. FW hasn't got the patience for that and the past couple of weeks has started taking him into his own bed instead...keeping him up, I assume until he (FW) is ready to go to sleep. I can hear their voices at the moment. They're still awake now! I'm really not that happy about this as I don't trust FW's motives...
I'm wondering if its to make up for DS never going to see him at night. He won't do it through choice so FW is forcing the issue?

Mind you DS still wakes up and comes into my room during the night...

Oh and regarding the court costs? I don't get legal aid. However my solicitor has suggested that I put forward my offer...and then say it will be reduced by whatever my legal costs are as the process continues. Apparently this strategy is used to try and get parties to agree before a case actually ends up in a court. Its SOOO expensive that they really do try and stop people wasting their money...especially when its a cut and dried case like this.

So basically if it gets to the final hearing there won't be much money left for FW to have...he will walk away with almost nothing...so he would be crazy to keep on refusing my offer.

But then I think he IS crazy...

Hello brave ladies (even if you don't feel like it!).. just popped in to give wishes to all for peaceful, safe and secure christmas for all, especially DC. I hope this one day sees an end to the fighting and fog. ExFW is not seeing DC for Xmas!?! I thought, gutted, appalling, no excuse is enough, but DC not really bothered! thats not good for their relationship, oh well, at least I don't have to deal with fall out.

Sorry not been around to offer support, a lot going on here, thinking and emo as well as usual xmas stuff which I've been struggling to get my head around.

((Christmas hugs to all)) xxx

Pony yy re your ex manipulating dsds situation to spite you - from the outside, that does seem to stand out. Grr on your behalf and also the dsds . Good for you and the fw's exw for being so totally caring and rising above his crap.

Yeah, I've told my dm nearly everything - the ea, the terrible behaviour to me and to dcs. I haven't mentioned the couple of PA incidents because I think she'd freak. She's really supportive and is there for me constantly at the mo.

bertie your situation sounds like mine but a bit further forward. I deeply sympathise with you re the atrocious atmosphere, the fear it may escalate and his manipulation of your ds . I don't know whether it's a comfort to you to know your fw has a clone in this household [sad weary grin emoticon]!

Jeezo bertie, he's still got him up now??? DS2 is (embarrassingly) easy to get to sleep, but DS1 was not. I would do whatever, even when he was around your DS's age. I remember sitting in DS1's room singing 'Twinkle Twinkle' over 50 times a night (not joke) until he fell asleep. That's what you do when you are a caring parent. Your FW is not doing the best for your son. Can you discuss this with your solicitor/mediator (although I realise this might be overload where the mediator is concerned).

I know it's probably too late in the day to change the arrangements, but you don't have to share DS on Christmas Day. You could say 'I'm having him Christmas Day, you can have him Boxing Day'. I hope you are not spending it in the house?

It's nearly tomorrow, so take heart. xx