Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships: 14

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

thats kind of scary charlotte to me.... so if he DID know where he stood, (and that he was on shaky ground!!) then he would totally lose all the niceness and things might get nasty! he's only being nice because he DOESN'T know what you are thinking. youre doing really well.

im having trouble sleeping these nights. i just lie in bed and think about everything, and its hard.... all the words him and his family have spoke to me just go round my head. i try to do something to distract, but i think i just have lost the ability to switch off and sleep, ive started on sleeping pills which are really a bad idea. then dd comes into my bed in a few hours and i never get a good nights sleep. (the pills don't knock me out, they just help get me over)

Have you tried writing everything down before you go to bed, Jan? It has sometimes taken me an hour or two to do, but I find then that I can put things out of my mind more easily, because I know I can return to the thoughts later without forgetting anything.

I think you're right, Jan - he's basically saying (entitlement again) that he doesn't think he should have to make an effort to make me feel valued, normally. He's prepared to do it to save the marriage and help me feel better, but at some stage, normal service will be resumed.

Meanwhile, he's talking about moving overseas again. I'm letting him talk; letting him think only of his own needs and glory. I'll be long gone!

Y'know, sometimes in the thick of the fog I think, well, I'm not sure why I'm leaving, but I know my parents and my pastor think I'm well within my rights - and I'm sooo looking forward to it. So tough, I'm doing it anyway! And as pony has wisely said, if I think it's a mistake 6 months down the line, I can always move back.

Talking of which, the house that I am slowly committing myself to might only be available for 6 months. Which of course makes me feel a lot more insecure moving into it. If it were 18 months, I might be able to consider buying it after that time, if I still wanted. 6 months, though - I may well be homeless at that point. Or in some crappy accommodation just to get somewhere - it's a small village; there isn't a great deal of choice.

Charlotte it can just be so confusing when ur in the middle of it. Funny how u can be so clear what u want and then he comes back and ur unsure again cos he's getting into your head. Its great u have the pastor and family behind u now they'll help u see clearly, and itl be easier to see what u want and what he's really like awhile after u move out...then u can rethink as pony said, based on his reactions and how ur feeling. Sorry for typing I'm on phone in bed! Writing before bed is very good plan

I'm sorry you had all that from DS - how old is he ? He sounds quite small if his chosen insult involves the "poo" word ?

Looking back on those days as someone who's DC's are now 13 and 11 I'd just say a good thing to remember whilst you drink that wine with him finally in bed is how small he really still is ? Any help at all ? And I'll join you for a too if you don't mind, after an evening of mild fuckwittery from H. Don't worry it was pretty mild stuff - nothing a glass of vino won't fix for now

Result of unconditional love test administered by leClerc Jr:

Mummy passed with flying colours.

Sleep well, all.

Sorry for neglecting ladies, not had a chance to catch up with posts etc. Has just been a whole 24 hours of FWerty here. Going from nicey nicey making me doubt my secret plans to back to his real self buggering off to the pub randomly without warning/saying goodbye, returning home, buggering off again etc etc. Am worn out. DS with the pox is at MILs tonight so was hoping for an early night of sofa sleeping and DD sleeping soundly for once but as usual FW has put a stop to me sleeping. Just want a good long stress free nights sleep you know? Feel that is many many years away for me. ((Hugs)) to all. Am dreading xmas tbh, of course can't wait to see my little ones faces with the pressies etc but the actual day is always always shite for us as FW always works and the day is then pretty much dictated around his shift/waiting for him. This year he has told his mum basically she is not welcome for dinner but can come at 6pm onwards wtf! So the kids will be knackered, an hour off bedtime and she can only see them then?! I have told her when we were alone that she and stepFIL are more than welcome to come see me and kids and play with them/pressies when he's at work in the morning/early avo. He is basically trying to force it to just be me isolated for most of the day and then have the dinner together which will I predict be served up with an extra special dose of FWerty. Epic. Can't wait.

What's your timetable for the day? It does sound as if you'll get at least some FW-free time.

I kept going through the final few arguments by thinking 'this is one of the last times this will happen'

I went to bed early last night with my journal. It didn't take long for the fog to lift!

Sorry to hear of little Leclerc's antics. He makes me think of the boy in the refuge that Twinkle mentioned in GettingBig's thread. Did you see that bit? Is ds1 getting any of the help that dd1 and 2 have accessed? It's so full on with 4 at the best of times, let alone when they're trying to deal with emotions they can't understand.

Maggie, keep plugging away with that plan, girl. Once you've been out for two weeks, sleeping in a bed away from him every night, you'll feel a new woman! Hope you manage to foil his plans and have a good time on Christmas Day while he's not there.

Morning Leclerc. Sorry to hear about DS1's behaviour. It's hard beyond belief to stay calm in the face of all that. You are doing so well. But i know it doesn't feel like it when you have to experience something like that. You just feel like an emotional punchbag. Like you say, you are absorbing it all. You need to make sure you are protecting yourself and looking after yourself emotionally too - apart from how awful you are feeling, if you don't you wont be able to sustain this and you wont be able to continue being there to support the DCs emotionally.

I think what Charlotte asked, is there any other support that DS1 can get, is a good idea. I'm currently looking into something similar for DS1 (who is 6, nearly 7). He's not a tantrumer generally and never has been (unlike DS2, who at 1 year old has already had more exorcist-style meltdowns than I can count, am in for trouble with him I suspect), so he's never ever told me he hates me or anything like that, for which I am grateful because despite knowing it's not true, I'm not sure how I'd feel hearing it. Instead, he's taking it all out on himself, if that makes sense, with all these fears, and his low confidence that leads him to burst into tears if he's told off in the slightest. My GP suggested a children's centre nearby might have some resources, which I'll look into (especially since he'll have the additional rejection of fucking FW to deal with now as well ), and to speak to his school, which I will do - his teacher mentioned before that one of the teachers was trained in counselling children and could speak to him and assess if there were any concerns.

And you're not awful for wanting a break from it all. It's natural. I'll miss DS1 for the next week, but it is less work with him not here (and I only have 2, not 4!) so that gives me a breather. And by the time he comes back I'll have had a chance to think with a clear head about his issues and how I can help him, and I'll (hopefully!) be more refreshed so able to be more patient with him when he's acting out.

Maggie, sending you hugs too. It's a lot to deal with. I remember dreading Christmas last year, just wanted to survive it. You will (and agree totally that he just wants to isolate you on the day, so do what you can to be around others, good idea). Like Silvery says, this is the last miserable Christmas you'll have to spending dealing with his FWittery.

Leclerc, isn't there a Lundy book that deals with children of an abusive parent?

Hope you get some chance to have a rest today, do something for yourself. Am off out to brave the rain to go and collect DSDs from their mum's house and take them out for lunch - haven't seen them in about 3 weeks, looking forward to it.

Enjoy your day ladies. As predicted, NSDH is moping around, so im doing all childcare and tidying in preparation for my mum getting here later. FFS.

Hi everyone...sorry haven't been around much lately...lots on. I'll post the latest when I've got my head round it all...

leClerc if its any consolation my DS (almost 5) is doing the same thing.

Last night (after a huge bath time battle to get his hair washed) he told me that I wasn't being nice to him, I was an idiot (thanks reception class for introducing him to that word!), and that he didn't want me to look after him anymore...

I did the same as you and told him that I didn't like him saying those things but that I still loved him and always would. He looked surprised!

As usual he appeared at my bedside around 2am and spent the rest of the night fast asleep...with his little arms and legs wrapped round me