Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships: 14

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Oh Leclerc what a FW! Did he mention the teddy at all?

Pony sounds like a lovely time was had by all! You are a good mummy

Nini oh no about the little crash. Doesn't rain but it pours hey? Hope you are ok. Try and take a step back from it all and give yourself some time.

Charlotte how is FW being? When is he due to go off on his travels again?

((Waves)) at everyone else hope alls ok.

In other news.....DS still going through hell with the poxy pox, am so tired. And FW made a speech tonight before heading to his nice cosy bed asking when I was going to get out of this 4 month mood I've been in, how long I was going to keep it up for and when are we going to start again? I said nothing. Off he went to bed. I went into the kitchen where he had left me a note next to DSs calpol saying if I was going to be up all night again then I could use the time to tidy up the house. Arsehole. He just doesn't get it does he? Umm yes ok, ill just leave DS screaming whilst I tidy up the sitting room full of your sweaty socks chucked on the floor, old tea mugs and empty crisp packets. I can now hear him snoring all the way upstairs [boak] even with all the doors closed - if he wakes DS with his nightly noises I will not be held responsible for what I may do with those sweaty socks!

Ps- Leclerc I meant to say OHHH LA LA about your new man friend!!! You've still got 'it' girl!! My old flame is still ignoring those messages I sent him but has been very active on FB I have obviously lost 'it' but determined to mind it again in the new year!

Maggie that is not on-- a note FFS! and by the Calpol. Typical to belittle the effort it takes to look after kids when they're ill. Hope DS is feeling better.

Ladies I am feeling rather uneasy about something I've just read and wondered if anyone had come across this attitude about 'slacker' wives

When I read this I thought it would be exactly what DH would say about our situation... and if he said it to anyone else they'd probably agree with him and see it from his point of view.

I've been googling around tonight (the dog was barking and DH asked me to come down and sort it out, I can't get back to sleep) and probably thinking too much about various things-- looking for a deep reason as why he behaves like he does. DH's answer to everything right now is to shout at me to get a job and to be fair I probably should (story there) but when I was working (full time until about 3 years ago, DS in uni and DD will go next year and I'm glad to spend some time with her) he used to constantly have a go at me for WORKING and neglecting the house/kids... and he insisted I quit my last job as he thought it was making his health problems worse. Gah. Enough for now!

Leclerc, that teddy is truly bizarre!! I hope there's nothing sinister about it?

thatsnot, that article makes me feel sick and want to cry at the same time. Many of those attributes my NSDH would give to me - for being in debt due to paying for most of our wedding, and child costs. The suggestions on that page are awful, and to even suggest they're not financial abuse is unbelievable. I honestly think that if I didn't already have a job, NSDH would have tried that 'talk' on me. Sickening stuff. Avoid that site!

Think that needs to be my new year's resolution Leclerc - try to have a little confidence in myself.

Maggie, I'd be raging at that note! I'd be tempted to stuff the sweaty socks somewhere other than his mouth...

I amused myself last night. NSDH is 'feeling ill' through lack of sleep due to DD's croup (despite me being the one to get up to sort her out at night) so he didn't want dinner. He made himself a boiled egg instead while I stood waiting for kitchen access to make my own dinner. When done, he turned to me with the pan and said "I'll get rid of this boiling water so you don't tip it on yourself and get burnt". I was a bit so used the tried-and-tested Mumsnet adage - "Did you mean for that to sound so patronising?" He actually stopped in his tracks, muttered something about me taking things the wrong way, while I LOL'd inside .

He told me this morning he's staying away the night for his work xmas do! Woo hoo! secretly hoping he finds someone else to shag tonight

Nini, at your feisty attitude!

Maggie, thanks for asking. Had a terrible evening/morning: last night, after I finally got all the dcs to bed (with very little contribution by FW), I sat with FW and his dps and we chatted. One thing my fil said was that he thinks FW and I are fulfilling our God-given roles in the way we run our family!!! Was about this (although didn't say much more than, "Really? Hmm. I see.") but realised later that he only sees FW's public persona and so can't realise how neglectful he really is when it's just family. Hoping that he'd think differently if he did know...

Anyway, this morning, FW (once he emerged from bed about 1.5 hours after the rest of his family) sat around chatting to fil, not lifting a finger. I may have been imagining it, but felt he was smugly feeling bolstered in his belief of his superiority. I could almost hear him thinking, "It's not my place to be running around after the dcs, but I want to be gracious about it, I'll ask if she wants some help in a moment, so I look good..."

And then he had the gall (once the dcs were safely in school) to say I seemed a bit grumpy this morning. Completely with you in your reaction to that appalling note, Maggie!

BTW-- that site is misogynistic in the extreme, I realized after having more of a look around it, but a good way to get to grips with what sorts of 'excuses' these men put up to deflect attention away from the real issues.

Leclerc it makes me sad and angry to hear about what you've been through re: trying to work, probably because I went through so much of the same... DH's criteria for me working was that it should not affect him one bit and I can't believe that I basically lived by those rules for so many years, no wonder I don't really have a career (so to speak) now. And he constantly made jokes about how bad and insignificant my work was now here is an example (we are both architects to give background story) driving somewhere a couple of months ago we went a different way because of bad traffic and were a bit lost (following tom tom) and I suddenly realized I knew where we were and said to him, oh look there's xxxx building that I worked on for 2 years, ... he made a big point of not even turning his head to look at it (we were stopped at a red traffic light FFS) claiming that he had to keep his eyes on the road because he was driving. Now it's not that I am precious about it or wanted praise but the point is if it had been anyone else he'd at least have paid a little compliment, I was upset and told him so but he said why??? it's not like you've done anything since...

I do like sharing these anecdotes, makes everything so much clearer! I'm currently v detached emotionally and looking forward to detaching physically in the new year... he has no idea. Hmmm.

Nini hope you enjoy your night off!

yy, that'snot, FW resolutely refused to compliment a birthday cake I made and decorated for ds this year, because it was so insignificant - but woe betide me if I don't compliment every single meal he makes for our guests us.

Oops, just realised I inserted an apostrophe into your nn which separates it into a rather different phrase!

Charlotte so many men think that women shouldn't be complimented for anything to do with kitchen, house, cleaning, cooking or kids. Or anything else. So what about special efforts-- 'women enjoy doing that sort of thing' so not praise-worthy! But if a man does it, heroic in the extreme. GRRRR!

Hi ya all, picked you up in active convo's ....

Seems like as good a place as any to say I don't feel I'm really looking forward to Christmas as I'd like to ....

Partly because I'm broke (no work ATM but have got something for most of the family), partly because I always find there's stress with too much to do and too many people to think about, but realised as well it's because I can't rely on DH (FW? ) being nice as I should be able to. He has said so many mean things before, even on Christmas day some years.

Christmas sympathy from any who've found the same ?

hi, is anyone around. am feeling v alone and keep thinking of yesterdays incident as am quite sore today. feel frozen in fear and dont know what to do.

deep down i dont want to stay but i dont want to break up the family either as i will be painted as the villain for sure.

as someone else said also worried about financial security, housing etc. FW earns a gd wage but if i try to leave he will try to stop me getting much from him and he always says he would take the kids although i am sure most of time the mum gets them?

have no idea about these things or even where to start finding out about housing or benefits and i dont even want to move out of my house but i know it may come to that. also dont think its fair for kids to have to move they will be disrupted enough as it is and they adore him so feels like i would be being selfish and punishing them for not much reason.

really sorry you are feeling down. excellent advice to report him .. i did this at the weekend and the police were very good. they don't have to speak to him right now if you aren't ready for that (although it sounds like this might help get his behaviour in order) but at least they will have it on record and you will have their support.

think of how your kids will be affected if you stay with him and they are watching everything that is happening and thinking this is normal - this is exactley why MY dh is a FW - cos his mum is like this and he believes its all normal. it was hard when i left but i know its been the right decision and its been so much more peaceful even if it hasn't been easy. i know this is a really hard decision to make. and that you need the right support before you can just leave. please get as much support as you can - build up a support network for you and the dc. thinking of you.

im waiting to hear from my mum and dad about their meeting with FWs mum and dad...soooo nervous.

Still at scum, Leclerc! What a great comment from your SW, too.

hi, quick update rang womens aid today and spoke to a lovely lady who listened and was the first person to ever say to me it wasnt my fault. was so nice to be heard and to have someone accept and believe what i was saying rather than minimise it or say it was my fault. she gave some good advice and contacts and as soon as xmas over i will make a start on making a plan. still cant shake the feeling that i am the 'bad' one for breaking up the family and taking kids away from dad.

he would never initiate a split as that makes him look bad this way he drives me to it and its my fault.

wanted to get an appt with gp today as am still in some pain but they dont have appts till after xmas, the stupid thing is FW is a gp and very well respected in the community and with both families which is why no-one will believe me. and no way would he advise me over something he has done as in his eyes he has never really hurt me as i 'fought back' if fighting back means trying to kick something to break contact of u headbutting me then yeah.

man what a mess and must try to believe its not my fault its just thats all i have ever heard so hard to stop hearing it in my head.

What good news leclerc ! Just what Father Christmas ordered!

Yummy you do not have to believe. Just keep moving forward with plans and keep talking to the right people.
Believing will come later.

yummy it will take a while to stop hearing that in your head. But you can say to it, "I'm not listening!" So glad that the WA woman was helpful - it is so powerful a feeling just to be listened to and have one's feelings and perspective valued rather than minimised, isn't it? And repeat to yourself: I haven't broken the marriage - he has, by hating and hurting when he should be loving. It is not your fault.

Leclerc, that's brilliant.