Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships: 14

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Leclerc re lurking laptop. Obviously you had spag head from abusive bunny

I always find the pain goes away with a week drinkie too, it's strange, isn't it

I hope you manage to have a nice chat with dd2 soon. It's so difficult feeling powerless and wanting to help (re dd1). Hope your cold gets better very soon xxxx

self-medicating with Baileys - Leclerc, every one of your posts today has made me laugh!

Hi, Rennie. What a difficult situation.

Fi - just about your NSDM. That is crazy!

And that tarnishes everyone else's response, doesn't it? (FW has always had something negative to comment about birthday parties I have organised - I forget other people's positive comments as a result...)

Just thinking about Nini and others talking about experiences in the early days, and remembered this: FW had food poisoning. I went to commiserate/nurse. Grabbed yummy-looking food from kitchen and ate it by his bedside while chatting to him. Got food poisoning myself. He said, "Oh, I wondered why you were eating that," but he didn't say anything at the time. It was tuna salad and had been out on the worktop for 3 days!!! FW! I was ill for 3 days, couldn't get home so was stuck in his flat, both of us sick, it was horrendous. (And much worse for me: his stomach was apparently used to such events as a fairly regular occurrence.)

Afterwards, the whole episode made me shrivel up with embarrassment at being so stupid as to eat that food. I was so focussed on that, I couldn't see how awful he'd been.

charlotte

You would think even FW's had the brains to type 'divorce settlement' into google, wouldn't you? And discover that the aim is to provide for kids and all parties going forward, with a more minor emphasis on fairness. And that all marital assets go in the pot. Although there are exceptions - or I would have had no case (not that it was tested)

Remember, ladies, if you go the court route you can still settle anytime and in fact the procedure is designed to get you to do just that before the costs ramp up.

I really didn't mean to make you cry Nini - hope you are ok.

Bertie - am staggered for you, but not surprised at Fw's extent of FWittery. Hope your solicitor or mediator can make him see sense...

And Charlotte - all I can say is... FW.

I am up far too late after my night out. xx

That's ok pony, I cried coz it was such a nice post. Hope you had a nice night out?

Rant alert. I'm so tired I feel sick this morning. DD has croup so hasn't been sleeping well the last few nights. I took her to the Docs yesterday and she's been put on steroids for the the next few days. NSDH has been complaining that he's 'too tired for work' due to disturbed sleep. Last night she was coughing but sleeping through it so he started shouting that he 'couldn't go to work like this', so he got her up! He took her downstairs and was playing with her, gave her milk and they were watching TV. I went down at 2am and asked him what he was doing - 'she can't sleep' says her (of course she cant fucking sleep you dickhead, you're feeding and playing with her!). So they've been up all night. I know why he's done it- he wants an excuse for a day off work!

I have to go to work so he'll have to be at home with her, she's knackered, I havn't got any food in for her, there's no reason why she can't go to nursery except she's now too tired!

I'm so fucking angry. And worn out. I have to go to work today as I have meetings. I hate him.

Oh my god, what a twattish thing to do. Poor ss. Hope the steroids kick in soon.

And we've just had a row about it and he's called me a cunt. Apparently I need to 'sort my attitude out'. He's superdad because he stayed up all night with her while I 'slept through it

Oh no Nini typical FWerity at its best hey. I had my share too yesterday eve with my FW fussing around poorly DS.it doesn't help, I wanted to tell him to piss off-it does my head in. Hope DD recovers quickly. Stay strong and ignore FW. Let him get on with it. Get yourself a nice big choc muffin for breakfast and have a mid morning snooze in the toilet at work! Hope your day improves. Remember what trying said, we will escape and get there in the end

Well just as I was about to leave for work NSDH decided DD was well enough for nursery - cue him dashing around the house shouting and trying to get both of them dressed so he can go to work afterwards. He said 'you can go on to work if you want to' so I did. Left them to it.

Got a text from him earlier saying she was fine when he dropped her off. Think I rumbled his little scheme of wanting to take a day off and using her illness as an excuse. Sick.

Oh Nini, that's just awful behaviour from him, using DD like that for his own ends when she's poorly already. And verbally abusing you too. Not a nice man.

Hope your chickenpoxy bubba is ok too, Maggie.

I just sent a text to FW, suggesting that we leave tomorrow night's visit with him and DS2 - since he's decided it's inappropriate to continue seeing DS1, and I haven't yet explained this to him (not wanting to put a dampner on Christmas for him), I didn't want the question of DS2 going to see FW and not DS1. I suggested he have DS2 on Friday or Saturday instead. I know it's asking him to forego his time with DS2, but I hoped he would understand why I was asking.

Big long text reply. Saying it's up to me about DS1 (errr, no, he's already made his mind up, despite me asking him not to stop seeing him), saying he doesn't want to give up his time with DS2 and doesn't know why I haven't told DS1 yet. He can't have DS2 over the weekend, he's got plans. And then asks me to text him rather than email as it's quicker.
Then 20 minutes later he texts again asking me to hurry up and let him know what I plan to do - then he plays the victim card: If you refuse to bring him up so be it. I have no choice then but to leave it till Monday.

Am annoyed at his take on this (that it's somehow my decision, and even so he shouldn't have to give up his time rather than risk upsetting DS1). Am annoyed at his demand that I text rather than email. Am annoyed at him hassling me to make a decision.

Option 1: Let both boys go up for dinner tomorrow night. I'm not sure if it's a good idea to let DS1 continue going up, if FW doesn't intend to continue seeing him as much. But I know DS1 wants to see him. And would give me a couple of hours to myself.
Option 2: Let FW pick up DS2 and I take DS1 out for dinner (could make it a pre-Christmas treat).
Option 3: Not take either of them up there tomorrow (thereby pissing off FW, and also he will go over a week not seeing DS2, so i do understand his point. Partly.)

Any opinions?

sorry can't catch up on thread right now but thinking of you all in the run up to christmas. i have a quick question... i have a solicitor appt tomorrow (first consultation) and i need to think about what i want from them. anyone who has been through this before can you give me ideas? i don't know anything about what they do. the only thing ive thought of is this:
-letting him know that he can't be arguing in front of dd
-letting him know that arrangements cannot be discussed in front of dd
we already have the hours that he sees dd arranged so don't really know what else.

Nini so very sorry to hear about your horrible time with fwittery, that's awful. I have been called that word too and I thought to myself, he's actually the only person in the world who has used this language as abuse at me (apart from a van driver in a road rage incident ) and he's the one who's meant to love and protect me - yeah right

Maggie your suggestion for nini - [choc] muffin and snooze at work - sounds lovely! I hope the chicken pox is receding?

Pony what a bloody fw he's being, eh? When I was reading your options, option 1 kind of leapt out at me - was thinking it would give you a break, but also maybe make your ex remember his supposed bond with ds1 and maybe in future he will include him in stuff? Don't know if that's practical as I don't know the details, but would that work? Then you could have a relaxing time or catch up on stuff. Maybe you could say, "You would have to take both boys as it's unfair to ds1 who misses you, if you can't do that, it's neither because I don't want to hurt ds1's feelings"... or something like that?

Jangle I am not knowledgeable yet (hope to be soon) about this stage re contact etc but just wanted to wish you support until someone with more knowledge than me comes along to advise you.

xx

X post leclerc, sorry!

thanks for the support. thats a very good idea. although he has said that he doesn't do emails... he refuses to do emails. should i get it formalised what is to happen if i am sick or should my mum automatically be the one to take dd. also stuff like extra costs like when its school time and school trips etc... i guess thats me thinking too far ahead, and maybe i am the one who is financially responsible for all these things if im getting paid the child maintenance? i guess i am trying to avoid arguments down the line.

Jangle, I just wrote a post about this, but as usual I'm deleting it and replacing with 'wot Leclerc says'. And what she says about trying to frame it as what you want (ie how it is going to be) rather than what you don't want is great advice that I'm going to try and remember myself.
Have a search online for advice on the first solicitor appointment, there are loads of pages with info, you might find something to help or at least let you know what to expect.

Leclerc, that's great news about getting the initial appointments, and glad DD1 so keen to go (that shows how aware she is). Did DD2 respond?

TryTwinkle, I tried to do it kind of like you suggested, but no go. There was a bit of texting back and forth, me trying to be brief (for once!) and basically saying it was up to him if DS1 went as well, that I wanted him to still see him and knew DS1 wanted to see FW. He just waxed lyrical about how I'm making things worse for DS1 by not telling him, how he's not prepared to cause the kids any more confusion or insecurity. I finally asked him to be honest, said it was fine for DS1 to go up, it was fine if he didn't want to see him. His response:
We've been over this, that's my point about not dragging things out. Could u accept it and deal with it.'

Cold, cold, cold.

I said 'Consider it dealt with' and gave the times for dropping off DS2 tomorrow. He just said 'Good. Thanks.'

I just thought that in the light of day, some emotion might take over and he'd say 'of course I want to see him'. But no. Maybe that emotion isn't there. Maybe his 'special bond' with him is the same as our 'special connection' - ie based on complete fantasy.
Am sad sad sad for my little boy. Am going to take him out for a special early Christmas meal instead. Fuck. Wit.

So it's "your decision" one moment and "please deal with my decision" the next? What a sad sad outcome. He's a bastard. Last text reeks of smug pleasure that he got his way.

I reckon he wants to see ds2 because he's still useful to him (maintains contact with you and control over you), whereas ds1 can be disposed of as no additional benefit. That may be cynical, but it just seems hard to believe he has any genuine interest in the wellbeing of others. I'm sure 'my' FW sees the dcs only in the light of usefulness to him.