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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

(Now Ex) DP theatened to harm our dogs

252 replies

LulaDoesTheHula · 09/12/2012 15:06

My now ex DP and I had been struggling with our relationship for quite some months, it all came to a head recently when, after he'd had quite a bit to drink (we'd been out for the evening with family), he became verbally abusive to me (not the first time, I should add). As a family member was present, and it was rather awkward in front of him, I asked him to calm down and we'd discuss it the next day. I thought this was the end of it, and my relative went to bed. But no, my ex DP went to the kitchen, picked up a glass and smashed it in front of me (this has happened before too).

He carried on ranting at me, at which point I (in a still very calm manner) said that I was worried about his recent behaviour, and that one or two friends were too (I probably shouldn't have provoked him any more, but I think I felt I had nothing to lose anymore and I was desperate for him to realise the problem isn't in my head). I should mention he has never physically hurt me.

He went berserk at this point, walked to the kitchen and came back with a massive kitchen knife. I was sat in the corner of the sofa so had no escape, he held it in front of me and said if I didn't tell him who had said these things he would cut the dogs' throats :(

At this point I screamed and my relative came running. He managed to diffuse the situation and we left temporarily with the dogs. He has since moved out and admitted he went "a bit over the top" but seems to have no grasp of the severity of the situation or that it's not alright that he threatened me or to kill the dogs. I (rather stupidly, I know... but I am planning to) have not reported this to the police yet.

I am safe, away from the home we shared, and he doesn't know where I am. Tonight I am planning to go with a friend to collect the dogs (he had them over the weekend and has dropped them off at home for me, as I let him think I am still living there so that I could get them safely away from him tonight).

Now, the problem is, is that one of the dogs was his before we met, the other is very much mine, but they have come to be shared pets. We agreed early on when this all blew up that the dogs should stay together as mine suffers from separation anxiety when left alone, and they are very much like sisters. In his job he goes away for long periods of time and cannot have the dogs with him, nor where he is living. I am also mindful of the fact that he has threatened to hurt them to get at me, I am petrified of this happening again. I will be happier once I have the dogs in my care, but am not sure what to do re arrangements long term. I realise to him it will look like I am 'stealing' the dogs as he won't know where I am staying. I have been their main carer for the past two years and can also take both dogs with me to work every day, so to me it makes sense that I have them, for now at least.

He is already saying we need to decide where the dogs are going and with whom over Christmas and New Year :/ I am stalling for now until I have the dogs safe, saying I don't know my plans yet. His family are all in the picture and being incredibly supportive, and say that they feel the dogs would be better off with me, at least until he has admitted he has problems and has sought help.

Can anyone please give me some advice on how to handle this? Thank you! Xmas Confused

OP posts:
Selks · 21/12/2012 19:09

You can block her on Facebook you know.

Lueji · 21/12/2012 19:13

Firstly, the dogs are not in his name.

Secondly, his word is hardly to be trusted.

I know who I'd believe if I was a jury.

Let him take you to court if he really wants to see the dog.

LulaDoesTheHula · 21/12/2012 19:38

A lovely sergeant just phoned, he said it's not on and he's going to call the mother and tell her to leave me alone or she will get done for harassment!

While I was talking to him, there was a knock at the door (we're not expecting anyone, and most people know to call/text first at the moment). He said he could send someone out, but I was brave and put the chain on and looked, the person had gone. My friend said she saw at least one man out the window. Could be innocent, but am taking no chances at the moment!

Once he's spoken to the mother, he will call me back. I feel horrid doing that to her, but it's gone too far, and as the policeman said, I am entitled to some peace and quiet and I am not getting that.

OP posts:
NotWankinginaWinterWonderland · 21/12/2012 19:45

Lulu log everything and call the police daily with the calls, if in fear or doubt call the police right away.

Write everything down, write down all call to police, all messages, all Facebook messages,messages to friend everything.

Can you not just block her from your Facebook?

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland · 21/12/2012 19:46

Don't feel horrid, she is bullying you, I doubt she feels horrid, think of yourself!

ladyWordy · 21/12/2012 19:56

She's a bully, and she's stalking you.

When someone says 'I don't want to talk to you', that's clear enough: to keep going regardless is stalking and harassment. It also indicates that the person concerned is somewhat unhinged, certainly controlling, and possibly dangerous (only possibly).

She's trying every trick in the book - undermining you (implying that 30 something entrepreneur is immature!); overriding you ( I'm coming anyway ); threats ( if you don't do what I want I'll talk to parents ); appeal to pity ( I'm not well you know ); false promises( you have my word ); suicide threats (his)..... Heck, the only trick she hasn't tried yet is to cry, or tell you he's crying.

I bet that's next! Xmas Confused

Glad you've stayed in touch with police.

Don't feel horrid, she doesn't deserve your sympathy for one second... Grrrrr!

DontYouJingleMyChristingle · 21/12/2012 21:00

Glad the Police are finally acting, hopefully she will back off now.

Have you got somewhere else you and your friend can go just in case this escalates further and ex dp turns up?

You need to have contingency plan in place and extra security as he may not react at all favourably once he knows his mum has been warned off.

Sunnywithachanceofjinglebells · 21/12/2012 21:04

Hurrah for lovely sergeant! That's good news.

Hang in there lovely - you are definitely doing the right thing and your MIL, no matter how well intentioned, is not helping.

You're doing brilliantly :)

LulaDoesTheHula · 21/12/2012 23:35

I had another good chat with the sergeant when he phoned me back to say he'd spoken with the mother.

He said he is wondering whether it might be best to let exP take the dog home for Christmas with him and his mum tomorrow, as it's quite clear he won't be able to keep it long term, then at least it will keep him away from the area for a couple of weeks to let me get myself sorted. He said exP had said he wanted the dogs to stay together, so he is pretty sure that it will be returned to me after Christmas, and then I can decide what long-term arrangement I am happy with.

I went to see some friends tonight, who are quite impartial about the whole thing, and are also massive dog lovers. They feel this might be a good plan, despite everything that has happened, as they worry I am putting myself under a lot of pressure over this. They feel that I should let him take the dog for now, as then he has no reason to control me, while I get myself sorted out at least. My gut instinct is telling me this might be the best plan for now. He knows the dogs are happy and safe with me, so I do suspect that "his" dog will end up back with me, as he knows the dogs are very close and he'd want them together, I do think.

I said I'd phone the police either tonight or tomorrow morning to let them know what I wanted to do. It would mean taking the dog somewhere to meet his mum, or maybe I can just take him to the police station and they can collect him, I am not sure.

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 21/12/2012 23:40

Don't give the dog up. Poor thing will be used as a bargaining chip for further manipulation by the pair of them. Not to mention that the dog's welfare cannot be guaranteed with that man.

LulaDoesTheHula · 21/12/2012 23:54

I think what people are thinking, and I am inclined to agree, is that if I give a little now it will pay off long term. It will get exP off my back for a bit and the dog will likely end up back with me. I am not keen on the idea, of course, but I am wondering if the police might be right. My friends are worried I am putting undue pressure on myself, as otherwise this will continue to hang over me for goodness knows how long.

OP posts:
WankinginaWinterWonderland · 21/12/2012 23:56

Do what you are happy and comfortable with. I hope he doesn't take a mood out on the dog though, was he like this before you met do you know at all? He most likely was I would think.

LulaDoesTheHula · 22/12/2012 00:07

I think a lot of the stress he has been under might be released, now that we are not together, and now that he has a break coming up. The policeman says he had a good chat with him about everything and thinks he has been reflecting on things quite a bit. He said he thinks if I let him have the dog for a week or so, it would show my human side too, and then it's almost certain the dog will be back with me very soon. He said at the moment we both have our guards up, understandably, and it's not really helping anyone to move forward.

I am getting advice from all different sides and viewpoints and it is a hard decision to make. I feel like if I give a little, it might well pay off, and save the stress of a legal fight - as that is what it will take for him to try and protect his pride. If we can come to an amicable arrangement, that might be better.

OP posts:
WankinginaWinterWonderland · 22/12/2012 00:13

Sounds sensible.

As long as you are okay with this. Just do not let anyone influence you decisions through bullying, you do what you feel is right.

LulaDoesTheHula · 22/12/2012 00:19

No I am feeling pretty ok about it, relieved almost, that I have a plan. I just need to make sure that it's on my terms now re meeting them, and the arrangements for his return. I will ask them to put it all in writing to me. I know the dog will have a fun time, he always does at the in-laws, they have dogs too. I just want to be reassured that he will be returned. I am hoping that by letting him go, they will see that I am trustworthy and keep to my word, so they need to do the same too. I have a good feeling about this. It sounds foolish I know, but I think it might just work. Once we've all had some time out away from each other too, I suspect everyone will be less highly strung and thinking a bit clearer.

OP posts:
Lueji · 22/12/2012 00:20

You know him best.

Do not let other people cloud your view.

The police want to get rid of this. It's in their interest to keep your ex happy, really.

My experience of ex was that he took advantage of every little opening to get at me.

If you allow him to have the dog, you'll have to be prepared to risk having constant requests to see the dog again and he won't be out of your life. Pretty much like having a child.
And for him not to return the dog when he's supposed to. You may have to give up the dog to save you heartache.

Personally, I'd take a tough stance and simply say no contact at all. Final.

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 22/12/2012 00:27

Looking at the entire situation I don't think the dog will be coming back to you if you send him/her to your ex's even for a short while. Sorry but it sounds like even if he couldn't guarantee the dog's welfare he wouldn't want to give you the satisfaction.

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 22/12/2012 00:28

Agree with lueji. No contact, no dog.

ladyWordy · 22/12/2012 00:28

how about a word with the RSPCA. They might have some advice.

www.rspca.org.uk/utilities/contactus

You've got to do what's right for you. But there are a few problems with this plan.

1- If you give in to their demands, they will think its right to harass and intimidate you/others till they get what they want. They will feel even more justified than they already do.

2 - This is treating them as reasonable people, making reasonable requests, who will act fairly. They aren't reasonable. They haven't respected any of your reasonable requests so far, in fact they have made your life a misery. :(
I doubt they will act fairly, or just go away when they've got what they want. If you give a little, I think they will take that and then some (sadly)

3- the dog's welfare is a big worry.

BUT ....You must put your health and wellbeing first, of course. And I don't know everything.

Moreover, I don't want to look like another bully in your life. Brew

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 22/12/2012 01:07

I'd be inclined to say that these people can go and fuck themselves, you are not going to speak to them or interact with them and you are not going to hand over the dog. You can get injunctions against them to prevent them contacting you in any way, and legally the dog belongs to you as all its official paperwork is in your name AND this man has threatened to harm it.

While your XP may be able to launch a legal action against you demanding return of the dog, this will take time and be a matter of his word against yours anyway. In the meantime he is not allowed to harass you in any way. Nor is his mother. When you speak to the police again, say that you have decided that the dogs are better off with you and that XP's demand to see the dogs is a civil matter whereas his harassment of you (and your family and friends) and his mother's harassment of you and your family and friends is a criminal matter, and that you are not going to give in to harassment.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 22/12/2012 01:09

Are your parents trustworthy and sensible, by the way? If so, tell them what's happened and ask them to respond to any contact from XP and his mother as follows: 'We have nothing to say to you, do not contact us again or we will call the police'. IT'S OK TO DO THIS. You can block and stonewall this man and his mother at every turn, in every direction.

ladyWordy · 22/12/2012 01:31

SolidGold....you're right.

Lula, in all conscience I can't recommend the plan you've been offered.
And in all conscience, I know that it is has to be your decision, and I do respect that.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 22/12/2012 01:35

I think you'd be completely mad to give him the dog.

It's not his dog. It's your dog. His obsessing over it will not be helped by having it in his possession for a week. It will renew his determination to control you via the dog.

You will be totally undermining your belief that he is a threat to the dogs to just and on of them over.

They aren't fucking children. They are dogs registered in YOUR name.

Your ex needs to forget about you and them and MOVE ON. Having the dog over Xmas will to help him do that.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 22/12/2012 01:37

Just HAND ONE of them over, and Will NOT help him do that. Sorry. Stupid autocorrect.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 22/12/2012 01:38

Why are you even still contacting these loons? You owe them nothing. Ring up your mobile provider and have them blocked.

You need never hear from any of them again. He THREATENED YOUR AND THEIR LIVES. Fuck him.

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