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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What was this?

174 replies

Mollydoggerson · 08/12/2012 22:44

Husband and wife visit husband's relatives for an overnight stay, the related person keeps popping in and out, while the spouse of the related person keeps pouring alcohol. Eventually the wife realises she is really drink and plods off to bed. The following morning the wife realises the husband joined her shortly after and had sex with her. The wife was more drunk than the husband as she had been drinking rose wine whereas the husband had been drinking beer.

Wife has no relocation of anything beyond plodding off to bed, but knows there was sex as husband confirms same the following morning and it is obvious the following morning.

Is this wrong or just a weird thing that happened?

OP posts:

ClippedPhoenix · 09/12/2012 00:15

You know he was wrong and way to go OP. He did this as a way to get back at you for not wanting him.

Sparklytinsel · 09/12/2012 00:18

But how does she know that that is what happened as she can't remember. He could of come to bed, she woke up and was all over him. I'm not saying that is actually what happened but until she'd can remember surely nothing can be ruled out.

ClippedPhoenix · 09/12/2012 00:19

Oh for god sake, read what the op said. He did it as a punishment.

ClippedPhoenix · 09/12/2012 00:22

He felt it was his "right" to do this, she's married to him isn't she.

OP, you didn't fancy him for whatever reason before and he decided that he would shag you just because you don't anymore.

Basically, he'd get you!

Sparklytinsel · 09/12/2012 00:23

Nope can't see that anywhere in this thread. Feel free to point me in the direction of where it implies or says it was as a punishment.

rhondajean · 09/12/2012 00:24

Op ignore the projection on here - do what is right for you. Start with counselling to get your thoughts in order. Then work out where your life goes from here.

Only you can work it out, and only you can make the decisions, we can't tell you what happened and what you should do and what anyone's motives were.

ClippedPhoenix · 09/12/2012 00:32

Ok then, think why a husband would do that?

Would any of your husbands do the same? If so, then that's wrong.

He knew she was pissed to the point of collapse and chose to enter her on those grounds.

Now to me that smacks of him feeling his congical rights arent being met somewhere along the lines so he decided to do it anyway.

timeforachangebaby · 09/12/2012 00:33

Clipped you are way out of line, totally, I dont know what has happened to you, but you are projecting like mad.

OP - I know, if this happened to me and DH, I would have consented at the time, I threw myself at him once (just before we got together) and he declined because I was plastered, but obviously now things are different and we are involved in a loving long term relationship, he probably would, if I appeared to be actively and willingly participating (mind you I cant remember the last time I had a "proper" drink!).

Only you know if you can live with this, if it is likely you consented, if he is the kind of man who would just have sex while you were unconscious - does that sound like your husband? Or is it more likely you were an active participant at the time and then simply couldn't remember.

No woman is ever to blame for being raped, never, ever, ever, but this drunken consent thing, particularly within the boundaries of a regular relationship and where both parties are steaming, can be confusing.

Is it the fact you were in someone elses house that is confusing you more?

I dont want to belittle your experience if you feel violated, then you were, but you dont seem sure yourself.

timeforachangebaby · 09/12/2012 00:36

I cross posted with you clipped, you dont know any of what you have just posted, the OP has said the DH believes she was participating, do you know more than the OP then?

Projection isn't helping.

ClippedPhoenix · 09/12/2012 00:38

Im not out of line, I'm just not into being penetrated when Im pollaxed nor having sex when I feel i should for the good of being in a relationship.

timeforachangebaby · 09/12/2012 00:39

Clipped you are like a dog with a bone.

Molly, if I read this correctly, you are no longer attracted to him and you no longer trust him, since that night, there were no issues before?

ClippedPhoenix · 09/12/2012 00:40

The OP said she was unsexily drunk which to me means she didnt want sex.

timeforachangebaby · 09/12/2012 00:41

Shall we let OP answer for herself perhaps?

ClippedPhoenix · 09/12/2012 00:43

He did it because he felt rebuffed and that's what this is all about.

He had sex with her because she should be his woman and she's not.

Why are you unqualified councillors trying to put another angle on it?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 09/12/2012 00:46

Clipped, I think its maybe time you stepped away from this thread. You arent helping the OP or yourself.

OP, is it that you were in a situation which you feel your husband should have known you wouldnt want sex (ie uncomfortable in someone elses house?)

If you feel that having sex that night was outside of your regular "pattern" and that your husband saw an opportunity and took it, then its quite understandable that you are questioning this.

I am sure that you are also scared about the fact that you "blacked out" in this way. But to feel that you were still vulnerable even though you were with someone who should protect you and keep you safe speaks volumes.

There must have been an element of mistrust between you and your husband before this happened. Was there?

rhondajean · 09/12/2012 00:46

This thread is exposing the thing I dislike about MN - people getting obsessed about their own viewpoint and shouting it over everything else, regardless of what is going on around them or whether it is helping the op with where they are the moment.

ClippedPhoenix · 09/12/2012 00:46

Are you all really thinking this is ok?

Are you all really thinking that maybe she shouldnt feel she doesnt trust him anymore?

Is it normal that a husband does this?

Is the woman supposed to think its ok?

ClippedPhoenix · 09/12/2012 00:48

One of the reasons I dislike MN is the fact that women apologise for mens sheer belief its ok to enter a woman that is either asleep or drunk

timeforachangebaby · 09/12/2012 00:50

What is the matter with you? No counsellor/therapist in the world would be banging on the way you are - you are unbelievably damaging in your approach - I hope to god you have never done this in RL.

The OP needs time and space to explore her feelings and come to her own conclusions - not have you go at it hammer and tongs, insisting you KNOW what happened - even more than the OP does.

This is someones life not your personal Internet crusade.

Dreadful - absolutely dreadful.

ClippedPhoenix · 09/12/2012 00:55

This is my opinion, the OP doesn't have to go with it, the same way she doesn't have to go with what you say.

Just because I don't go with the wishy washy view of it may have been allowed doesn't mean the OP doesn't have her own mind.

ClippedPhoenix · 09/12/2012 00:57

I also feel that what you do is "dreadful" in that you sort of say it's ok for a man to enter you when you don't really want it to happen.

timeforachangebaby · 09/12/2012 01:00

YOu aren't allowing her her own mind - bear in mind that rape victims shouldn't be "forced" to face anything.

I don't think I have ever said this to another poster before - but your attitude disgusts me.

I would say I hope you have never provided support to a victim in RL in this manner - but sadly I think you have.

I politely suggest you do some quick reading on how best to support someone - because this isn't support.

Sorry Molly - I hope you can come to some answers, find some peace and a way forward.

timeforachangebaby · 09/12/2012 01:03

Add message | Report | Message poster ClippedPhoenix Sun 09-Dec-12 00:57:07
I also feel that what you do is "dreadful" in that you sort of say it's ok for a man to enter you when you don't really want it to happen.

Exactly when have I said that? I haven't - because I don't and never will think it.

You have some serious issues with reading things that haven't been said and misquoting - myself and the OP.

rhondajean · 09/12/2012 01:03

this is the conversation I didn't want, for Molly's sake, but I suppose it was necessary.

Clipped - has anyone said it was ok? Or are people trying to let the op make her own decisions? Because to be honest, forcing your opinions on her like that is just violating her all over again.

She's an intelligent adult, she can work out what she needs to do for herself.

ClippedPhoenix · 09/12/2012 01:07

Umm i suppose youre talking to me here.

Im not allowing her her own mind? are you sure? that's a bit profound isn't it. So does that mean you're saying that I have some sort of super power that will sway the OP in a terrible direction?

I don't profess to support, I'm not that puffed up really to be honest.

I say it as i see it.

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