Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

What was this?

174 replies

Mollydoggerson · 08/12/2012 22:44

Husband and wife visit husband's relatives for an overnight stay, the related person keeps popping in and out, while the spouse of the related person keeps pouring alcohol. Eventually the wife realises she is really drink and plods off to bed. The following morning the wife realises the husband joined her shortly after and had sex with her. The wife was more drunk than the husband as she had been drinking rose wine whereas the husband had been drinking beer.

Wife has no relocation of anything beyond plodding off to bed, but knows there was sex as husband confirms same the following morning and it is obvious the following morning.

Is this wrong or just a weird thing that happened?

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 08/12/2012 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

ClippedPhoenix · 08/12/2012 23:34

Like i said OP it's not your fault in the slightest.

Original poster
Mollydoggerson · 08/12/2012 23:35

Yeah I am ok.

This actually happend a few months ago and there has been no intimacy since, dh has made efforts and I have recoiled and I'm not sure if I am over reacting or not. I suppose he doesn't openly act 'entitled' during the day, but he does grab at me at night and I recoil. I think the way he tries to initiate sex is 'entitled', and I'm not really sure if my interpretation of what has happened/is happening is a little off or not.

I know the simple answer is to go to relate/counselling.

I did say it to him tonight (as in say I thought he (technically) raped me). He didn't say anything.

OP posts:
vigglewiggle · 08/12/2012 23:40

Clipped you are coming across quite aggressively on this thread. I think the question of whether the OP is open about her lack of attraction is very relevant here. It is an indicator as to whether he seized a rare opportunity when she was stupified through alcohol and committed rape, or whether he didn't realise she was so drunk and had what he believed was mutually consensual intercourse.

rhondajean · 08/12/2012 23:40

Clipped I am not sure you are helping here...

Molly
There are others with far more wisdom than I on MN. So i will rehash some advice I have seen before.

Counselling may be a good idea, but you should go for you, and probably alone, at first at least.

If this happened in my relationship, I wouldn't think twice, because physically I am very attracted to DH etc. however I am worried that your DH is in a relationship where there is no physical intimacy, realises you reject his advances, and felt there was either nothing to worry about in you suddenly being responsive once drunk or possibly even that you did t need to be responsive.

However only you can work this out, MN and the counselling can help you get there.

CleansLate · 08/12/2012 23:40

Oh Molly - right well, the fact you feel this way shows that there is a lot that needs resolving.

For what it's worth, I don't think you are overreacting, and neither does the law.

I am not sure counselling is 'simple' but it might be profound... please don't try to gloss over this. Your instincts are telling you that something very wrong happened.

Do you feel able to say "after what happened I do not want you touching me, what shall we do about that?"

ClippedPhoenix · 08/12/2012 23:42

Molly, I wouldn't be able to get over this to be honest

What else goes on in your household?

Is he the main breadwinner per say?

I would however suggest that you go to councilling on your own in order to actually get your head round things but don't go with him.

ClippedPhoenix · 08/12/2012 23:45

Not helping rhonda? as in not enabling a man to dominate a woman?

Casmama · 08/12/2012 23:46

Molly I think that how he reacts to this will tell you a lot. No decent man would listen to his wife tell him she felt like he had raped her and not do everything in his power to apologise and try to rebuild trust. It maybe that he was initially stunned into silence but I think if he doesn't know try very hard to make it up to you then there is a serious problem.

rhondajean · 08/12/2012 23:46

As in aggressively forcing your own agenda upon the opmwhenshe is obviously still thinking through what happened. However I refuse to let the thread become a discussion about that when the op is what matters here so I won't respond to you again.

ClippedPhoenix · 08/12/2012 23:48

well i hope im telling the OP that she doesn't ever ever have to put up with her husband thinking he can penetrate her without her consent, if you all think that's right then there is something very wrong going on with you.

Original poster
Mollydoggerson · 08/12/2012 23:51

Maybe I will go for me.

In general my dh is a very gentle human being.

I know sometimes threads can grow legs on iinternet forums so I don't want to paint a really negative picture of dh. He likes his boys nights out and matches but he also is a very loving and involed and loyal husband and father, while what happened may not be right, he was also drunk at the time. I just don't really know how wrong it was. The morning after , honestly he seemed almost shoked/afraid when I said I had no recollection and to be brutally honest a little defensive in saying I was willing, and I brushed it off.

In fairness men these days are afraid of their lives of unfair allegations against them.

Again to be really fair, I suppose I consider him really wreckless as to whether I consented or not. I know I plodded off to bed, in no way sexily. The biggest problem is I now don't trust him and therefore don't fancy him.

OP posts:
Casmama · 08/12/2012 23:53

I don't think anyone would disagree that the OP never has to put up with her DH penetrating her without her consent. In this instance it appears that the DH felt he had her consent and willing participation and the OP doesn't remember. In the case of a one night stand or if the OP never wanted sex after drinking or if they had not had sex for a long time or many other circumstances that we don't have information on then I would take the same black and white lack of consent position as you clipped.

Casmama · 08/12/2012 23:54

Sorry cross posts again.

Original poster
Mollydoggerson · 08/12/2012 23:56

He is usually not the main bread winner it is usually 50/50%

OP posts:
vigglewiggle · 08/12/2012 23:56

What does he say now when you bring it up? His initial reaction sounds like a genuine reaction to me, but I would expect my DH to still be willing to discuss it if it still concerned me. I think counselling is definitely a good idea, this has obviously had a profound affect on you.

rhondajean · 08/12/2012 23:56

No one has just one facet to them Molly. No one is all good or all bad.

You do need to consider whether something happened that should not have. Also whether there is a risk he could be reckless again. You shouldn't have to be on tenterhooks in your own home and marraige.

I am sure others will have good practical advice but I would start with the counselling. I think your GP can refer you. You can talk confidentially to your GP too.

Casmama · 08/12/2012 23:56

I don't think you will ever get an answer to how wrong it was. The question is can you get past it and o you want to? Can you regain trust and then attraction for your DH?
Counselling may help you explore this.

ClippedPhoenix · 08/12/2012 23:59

I now don't trust him and therefore don't fancy him

Then you have your answer OP.. and nor would I.

If a man, however long I had been with him, whether I hadn't slept with him due to whatever reason penetrated me without mutual consent would be a very wrong person in my eyes and I would never ever respect him again.

Sparklytinsel · 09/12/2012 00:07

But my understanding, and correct me if I'm wrong, is that the OP can't remember having sex so how can she remember if she consented or not.

ClippedPhoenix · 09/12/2012 00:10

Blimey, have you all rolled over and had sex when you really didn't want to? Have you all conceded to the fact that it's the mans right? It's not.

As for, do you think he will ever do this again, um yes of course he will and of course you will concede and of course you will continue to allow this shit.

Stop being bloody stepford wives.

ClippedPhoenix · 09/12/2012 00:12

well sparkly if she didn't remember then he shouldn't have gone anywhere frigging near her! She was pissed and asleep! he doesn't have the right to slip it in!

Original poster
Mollydoggerson · 09/12/2012 00:12

Sparklytinsel, I will be the first to say I cannot recall if I consented or not, but I can recall that I was very drunk, unsexilyy so, realised I was drunk and publically announced I better go to bed and plodded off to bed in a drunken manner (now in a come to bed eyes way).

OP posts:
Original poster
Mollydoggerson · 09/12/2012 00:13

(not in a come to bed eyes way)

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 09/12/2012 00:14

Exactly OP!