POLL : Infidelity

[monkeytrousers]

Women only please - Please help me with a bit of research. Think about the question and answer A or B - no inbetweens please.

Consider this question – what would upset or anger you more:

A)imagining your romantic partner having sexual intercourse with another person,

or

B)imagining your romantic partner becoming
emotionally involved with another person?

Thanks!

B - No question.

I'd start at a basic Human Biology gcse, a'level then look up evolutionary biology/pshychology primers at universities but you can start getting text books and others straight away. This is a very basic primer \link{http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0415241472/104-8623116-7929529?v=glance&n=283155\here}

Jared Diamond’s Why is Sex Fun is very readable too – and is about as accessible as it gets before the hard science kicks in.

Names to look out for are Richard Dawkins, Helena Cronin, Jared Diamond, E O Wilson, Matt Ridley, Stephen Pinker, David Buss, oh too many. It will take years - but the biggest thing to remember is that is not deterministic or morally prescriptive (it isn’t saying ‘this is how you should live your life’), so if some data appears to say ‘men are more promiscuous than women’ it isn’t excusing, endorsing promiscuity in men that are in monogamous relationships, as it oftentimes said. It is simply trying to examine how things are not how they should be. A working knowledge of the Naturalistic fallacy and Hume’s is/ought fallacy is essential. It is a minefield and you really have to be sure you really understand it before you begin talking about it. Like I said, give it a few years but I’d heartily recommend it!

For some contemporary stuff have a look \link{http://www.lse.ac.uk/collections/darwin/publications/index.htm\here} and click on ‘readings’.

Can't choose

Both unacceptable and soul destroying!!

B - I think

Definitely B

Just out of interest DH said B too. He says that with A it is just physical and not necessarily enjoyable, planned or sought out, more likely to be justified as a 'mistake'. He hates the idea that B means investing time, energy and affection elsewhere, things he believes are the most important things in a relationship.

Interesting thread MT

Are you sure he's really male Kleggie?

A-definitely because i wouldnt be able to stop imagining it.

sorry but I kind of think people who say B might be kidding themselves. part of the reason I say that is A is measureable, definite, it happened, it can't be denied, it's a line that has been crossed; whereas B is a lot more fuzzy. i also agree with what secur said. Those of you who said B are you honestly convinced that if you found out your dh had had sex you would be less hurt than if you found out he'd been for a few drinks with someone and finding he had feelings for them? I really agree with secur that if the latter it is a case of your dh being human - and - presumably - being restrained and showing you a degree of respect by NOT having sex even if maybe they wanted to. The sex thing is pure disrespect, total lack of consideration for your relationship all for a bit of nookie. I would find that a lot more hurtful, than if dh had feelings for someone but had not acted on them. (unless of course he hadn't acted on them cos he got turned down )

God! changed again back to A

i think it depends whether your concern is trust and betrayal (in which case sex is the big one) or if it just comes down to fear of loss - in which case falling for someone else is the worst.

definatley A
i just cant abide the thought of him fcking someone else.

kleggie, it isn't deterministic in that way - there will always be people who will choose differently than predicted due to cultural and environmental factors of day, for instance women are breadwinners today and humans are if nothing else highly adaptive creatures - this is why it's a very complex area, but non the less still predictable. What matters is that over evolutionary time (ie over millions of years) the statistical norm appears to be constant. And that is very significant.

TheWomanWhoThoughtSheWasAHat I'm not sure that I agree with that. For me DH investing emotionally in someone else is an issue of trust and betrayal. Don't get me wrong I'd be well P*ssed off if DH shagged someone else but I'd be able to forgive that if he han't invested in a relationship with the other party, for example with a complete stranger on a business trip never to see them again.

A for me

And it would be the last shag he ever got as he would then be Bobbited.

had a long chat with dh on this. He thinks I'm mad and that the emotional attachment thing is far worse. I suppose I was thinking of a rather far-fetched hypothetical situation in which there wasn't "emotional investment" ie he didn;t do anything at all to encourage his feelings, but somehow they happened anyway. As dh pointed out, that's really not a very likely scenario (at least for an adult) - if you end up in love with someone you must have invsted a certain amount of time in getting there - hence, yes, it's a betrayal too. But the upshot of our conversation last night was that he would forgive me if I shagged someone .

My thoughts entirely Oliveoil and I have warned DP about this right from the very start, I can be evil.

B- would make me feel sad more so than angry.

A- would be worthy of a kick in the balls and would enrage me more so than him falling in love with someone else.

but B would devastate me, not necessarily make me angry.

I dont believe that B means no sex - I think B is sex AND emotional intimacy, which is far worse than just sex

B, because it seems to be more "emotional" to be emotionally involved.....sorry that sounds stupid..!!

blokes tend to see sex as sex so A wouldn't be as bad...BUT like others have said,both would totally gut me.

B

B

B

A (but I'm assuming that the involvement is either / or and B involves no sex)

But if b involves sex, B

B but it's pretty even really, both would kill me