A Sex Question......

[moonblushtomato]

DH has a bee in his bonnet (or underpants) that we are not having enough sex. Just wondered what the going rate is these days?
We are in on our early 40s, have been married for nearly 8 years and have 3DCs aged 15, 6 and 4.
btw we are averaging about once a week which I'm quite happy with.

Absolutely SolidGold...
'basic manners'? on a message board?
I just don't see it

< shrug >

takes all sorts

done as you would be done by..it's a good mantra to live by

especially since at several different points the OP was called out to come and explain and failed to do so

obvs the "problem" not that severe...which is a good thing

I feel the need to point out that the person I know has no issue with it at all. It obviously isn't consented to all the time, but they do talk about it on occasions & she says that if she doesn't wake, he can can carry on if he wants to. The only rule is that he must tell her in the day day, sometime.

I don't challenge her about it (mainly because I rarely see her & we don't really talk about it that much), but it does make me sad. I mean, if I am having sex, I want to be involved. I want to feel the pleasurable touches etc & I know that my dh wants me to be involved too. I have more issue with her dh doing it (than her accepting it), because how can he just do that while she sleeps, does he not want her to have some experience of it too, be involved etc?

Oh & madame, she is a VERY heavy sleeper!

Offred

He is in no way manipulating at all. She wears the trousers, all of them, all at once so there is no way in her case, that this is because of any form of manipulation or that he has conditioned her to accept this. Because absolutely no way would she, if she didn't want to! I dunno, I can't explain it. She sees it as him getting what he needs, without having to be too involved in that, maybe? Everything else is perfectly happy in their relationship.

I love the idea that people "need" sex. Like they need air and food.
Your friends husband sounds as if he had a fetish tbh why else would he enjoy sex with a sleeping unresponsive partner?
Makes me grateful for my normal dh.

Sort I meant to say it sounds as if your friend has at done point been made to believe that men need sex so she has to tolerate this abnormal behaviour or he won't have his needs met.

Thanks AF, you're a tower of strength to people on here, and for what it's worth I think you absolutely made the right call earlier.

differentnameforthis I would feel very uncomfortable if that was happening to one of my friends. He might be getting what he needs but those are some fucked up needs IMO.

My sentiments entirely Amanda. Needs indeed
All these blokes getting away with crap cos "they has needs you know" makes me want to puke

It doesn't matter how big her boots are in the daytime, it doesn't change the fact that this woman's husband is having sex on her without her consent.

Sounds to me as if it is his way of regaining power on the quiet, as it were.

Revolting. I'd assume you'd have to have extremely low self esteem to allow this. I'd also be interested to know if this still happens if the woman has for example period pains or thrush? Does she still get violated?

Well, at the risk of TMI, she probably has chronic thrush. That's a likely outcome of being penetrated on a regular basis when you are dry. They probably pass it between each other during these nocturnal shag-an-unconscious-piece-of-meat sessions.

Anniegetyourgun perhaps, who knows.

I agree with you all, I really do. And I don't like it when she drops it into the conversations we do have. We talked about it at length before, and I did tell her that I thought it was unhealthy & told her why I felt that, but she said it worked for them.

I did try once again, but soon got the impression that my opinion wasn't wanted.

As I say, we rarely talk these days (we were part of the same group at one point & formed a relationship through that, though she left a while ago) as our paths don't often cross. But as I said, I do often wonder how this ever got to be OK for her. :(

@moonblushtomato: good to hear from you !

If you peer through the blizzard of posts projecting other people's bad experiences onto your relationship and telling you how it really is for you, or criticising your manners (!) for keeping out of a complete hijacking of your own thread, hopefully there's still something constructive in the thread for you.

Bear in mind also that "feelings" were, for us, an unreliable guide to getting sex right in marriage. It's very easy for one partner to "feel" that the other is not making enough effort, or "feel" that the other is pressurising them into sex unfairly, particularly when both of you are working hard and often tired and are carrying significant responsibilities. "Feelings" can protect you from harm, but they can equally protect you from change that is initially hard but ultimately rewarding.

Schnarch refers to marriage as a "people-growing machine". The successful couples, long term, are the ones who acknowledge these tensions and have the honesty and self-understanding to tackle them in openness and love.

OK, end of lecture....

Ive only read the first post of this thread,and id ont want to sound rude but not everything men do and say is sexist,maybe the ops oh has tried all the "basic techniques" and still hasnt got anywhere,thats why hes asking.

Anyway,to the OP,we have 4 children aged 6 weeks,2 and a half,3 and a half and 4 and a half,we do it about 2 or 3 times a week,sometimes more sometimes less,it depends.

personally i do think a lot of people do need sex,not like food and air but i think it can be important to your overall wellbeing.

Spooney, I think it is about manners in some respect. No-one would ask a question in RL and walk away, not bothering to listen to the answer, would they? And if that question resulted others getting into a squabble, one would do what one could to defuse the situation wouldn't one?

I know that AF and I have not seen eye to eye on some threads but, I have to say, she is impeccably well mannered in her arguing and definitely not one of those who resorts to nastiness if someone doesn't agree with her. To my mind, she is one of the people who make MN really worthwhile. It's always refreshing to talk to her and she has given me much food for thought in the time I have been here.

< slips frantic a fiver >

< warms to Anyfucker's sense of humour >

stick around spoony, you'll warm to me more

us fuckers have to stick together (have namechaned by the way)

frantic..I don't remember any unpleasantness between us. I am sure it was a small misunderstanding and that no grudges could nor should be held