I need help (and you'll probably flame me)

[MrsMorton]

I met DH when he was married and I was the OW, I'm not going to talk about my guilt etc but believe me it is ever present.
We have been together (not in an affair) for seven years and married for three. He has older children from his previous marriage, the youngest is 18 and I'm 31.

He absolutely does not trust me, last night a friend called me and DH sulked all night and is still sulking. Another friend who's DH has just DIED, texted me at midnight and I got a hard time for that as well.

Will he ever trust me? Is it my fault for being the OW? Is it because he knows how easy it was for us to get together? It's such a depressing way to live. I don't even contemplate doing things like going for works Xmas do because I know that even asking him if I can go will make him accuse me of something and I will get loads of texts asking me where I am and what I'm doing.

The only thing I've ever done to make him think this is I had emails on my account which were rude/flirty from before we met, I had forgotten about them & he logged on and found them.

I suppose it must be difficult when a relationship is based on lies and deceit.

It does seem to be that people who have cheated in the past (or are cheating now) trust their partners the least.

All you can do in reality is talk to him about it & say either he needs to trust you or leave. Is there any chance he is messing around & therefore assumes you must be too?

He sounds controlling. Is he?

The thing is - he's a cheat - so he will judging you by his standards.

He is the "perfect husband" cooks, cleans etc. I'm confident he's not cheating. Yes he is controlling I think.

Wait a minute. HE was the one doing the cheating here. Guilty conscience on his side maybe?

Why are you asking him if you can go out? You're an adult you don't need his permission.

I'm not absolving you for your part in a marriage breakdown at all, but why are you the only one suffering?

Unless you have given him any reason to not trust you in relation to your realtionship, then he is choosing to not trust you and accuse you. Tell him to pack it in or you might have to rethink your relationship. Of course, he could be fucking around and projecting.

He is punishing you for his own guilt - tell him to sort himself out or you will split.

You can't live a life where you aren't allowed to do anything.

OK, so you started your affair when you were 24, and he was much older - how much older is he? And you were single and he was married with teenage children? In that situation the fault lies much more with him than you (though obviously sleeping with married men is not a great way to behave).

To be honest from what you say the problem is not that you have behaved badly, but that he is a twat.

Then the problem is that he is controlling, and not that your relationship was born of an affair.

Has he always been like this? Was he controlling to his ex wife in the same way do you think?

I don't know, I think from what I can tell she was happy to be married & have children and didn't want to do things on her own like I do.

I don't want to flame you, but what do you expect?

You're with a man who cheated on his wife and children, who betrayed them and lied to them and moved on to greener pastures. He's a fucking lowlife- and this is normal behaviour to him- you are always going to be judged according to these standards.

In fact, I wouldn't be so assured that he's not cheating. Guilt manifests in various ways. I know my XP accused me of texting and emailing and meeting up with random men because he was doing exactly that himself (but with ladies obviously )

I know you know all this already, and it's not helpful at all- but you're still young- you can start again if needed. Don't put up with any of his shitty behaviour just because you feel like he's 'given up' everything for you, and out of guilt for what you both did.

Its not YOUR fault you were the ow. Its both of your faults.

if he doesn't trust you now he never will. Why do you trust him?

This is the problem with this sort of relationships. The fact that he was already married meant jack shit to you or him, so why would it now.

he is being a twat to treat you like this. He is a cheat as well.

Why are you still with him?

are you wondering if all the things he told you about his first wife were TRUE?

His version is slightly different. I have never really pushed him for information on his ex for a number of reasons.

He is quite a bit older.

I know we're both low lives and it's probably all I deserve.

Do you want to stay married to him?
If so, do you want to have a relationship where he trusts you?

If so you need to talk this through with him and have relationship counselling if necessary.

If you stay with him and nothing changes do you want to live like this for the rest of your life?

I personally think how you got together is irrelevant. You need to focus on your relationship now and whether you can get it into a state you are happy with.

However it started he sounds like a knob. I suppose it depends if he is like this about other things too. Is he?

Thing is horrible men OFTEN use the past to justify bad treatment and quite often will make shit up in order to do so. Unfortunately this one feels he has a cast iron excuse for being a dick, given how you got together. Please do not think I am judging you because I am not, you don't deserve to be punished forever or indeed to be treated badly by anyone on the strength of it. I suspect there's more to this.

No it is not all you deserve. You deserve, like everyone, to have a relationship where you can flourish as a person and live the life you want to live.

You made a mistake in the past, you are sorry for it. Let it go. Look forward.

You don't deserve to be flamed, you probably shouldn't of posted on MN about it with all the hysterics of evil OW.

I think he's a knob tbh and nothing to do with how you got together. I think you should sit him down explain that he either trusts you or he doesn't love you because you can not have a relationship without trust. Say it's up to him whether to stay and trust you or jog on.

No, you're not a low life. You behaved badly when you were young and naive... that doesn't mean you have to live the rest of your life with someone you're not happy with. Do you have children together?

Tell him it's counselling to sort out his issues or the High Road.

Forget all the rest of it how you got together who did what etc...

Do you want to live with someone who doesn't trust you and makes you feel bad?

That is the only question that matters.

It all sounds so unhealthy. If you're low lives- he's lower than you!
He's projecting massively. It's not a great way to start a relationship, but the sin was more his than yours. Can you encourage him to seek closure over what he did?

That's a very one-dimensional view of his ex wife isn't it? I don't know about you, but I honestly don't know any women who are 'happy to be married and have children' and need nothing else in life. However if that's the story you've both settled on and it's true that she didn't want anything else from life, how come he wants you to be the same? After all, a woman who had no interests beyond her marriage and children didn't make him happy last time, did she?

Of course the likely truth here is that his wife was none of those things. It's more likely in fact that he suppressed any attempt at a life outside of her role as a wife and mother and then once he'd isolated her, left her for a younger woman. Or equally likely (but this might be me being hopeful) that she told him where to get off and he punished her for not staying in line, by having an affair and leaving her.

The common denominator in this is one controlling man. Neither you nor his wife deserved to have their lives controlled and manipulated in this way. At 24 you might not have realised this but at 31 I hope you do and that you can pull the rug out from under his feet before he treats you like he treated his wife.

I do want to fix it, he's had a vasectomy so no kids or prospect of. I don't think he will agree to counselling.

How do I do it? I want to say either we sort this and we put the past behind us or we split but I'm scared to say it to him.