I need help (and you'll probably flame me)

[MrsMorton]

I met DH when he was married and I was the OW, I'm not going to talk about my guilt etc but believe me it is ever present.
We have been together (not in an affair) for seven years and married for three. He has older children from his previous marriage, the youngest is 18 and I'm 31.

He absolutely does not trust me, last night a friend called me and DH sulked all night and is still sulking. Another friend who's DH has just DIED, texted me at midnight and I got a hard time for that as well.

Will he ever trust me? Is it my fault for being the OW? Is it because he knows how easy it was for us to get together? It's such a depressing way to live. I don't even contemplate doing things like going for works Xmas do because I know that even asking him if I can go will make him accuse me of something and I will get loads of texts asking me where I am and what I'm doing.

The only thing I've ever done to make him think this is I had emails on my account which were rude/flirty from before we met, I had forgotten about them & he logged on and found them.

[AnyFucker]

hello, MrsM

I am sorry you are having (another) bad day. I don't know how to make yourself "less naive", other than some individual counselling for yourself to work out why you seem so accepting of bad treatment and don't spot red flags.

If you mean by that, however, that you want to learn how to deal with your husband better...I don't recommend that course of action. My advice to you on that point is to take the steps you need to leave him and make your own life away from him. You can get help with that on here, from Women's Aid, from admitting to your friends and family the massive mistake you have made in marrying him and asking for their support and take it from there.

[TeaMakesItToTheTop]

I also tend to take things people say to me as the truth but I do have a little voice in the back of my head that just asking 'why?' and 'what?' just to keep me on the right track. As in 'why did that person say or do that and what should I do?'. A counsellor will provide you with a safe space to explore your attitudes and approach but perhaps the place to start is why you believe you deserve the life you're living at the moment.

I do agree with AF that with you should be getting your exit plan together. Don't focus on anything else with regard to your relationship. Just get out.

[waltermittymistletoe]

MrsM even recognising that your relationship is not normal is a big step.

I don't know that you'll become "less naive" but I do know that you will be able to leave this relationship and be happier out of it.

[hopespringy]

wow, what a mess. Your guilt is keeping you tied.

what you did was wrong but I think you've 'paid' for it, you don't have to go on paying for the rest of your life.

Have a look at the Freedom Programme and click the link to see a group near you. I highly recommend this programme. I recommend this also because it is good to keep at the forefront of your mind info about what is going on in your marriage, as you will be feeling confused because of the constant daily bombardments (from him) that knock you off your centre.

Your guilt has also trussed you up like a turkey imo so re counselling have a look at BACP - 'find a therapist' link on the right hand side of the page. Draw up a list of therapists you like the look of, give them a call and see how you get on with talking to them. You have to click with a therapist so don't go with one you don't feel absolutely comfortable talking to. Don't worry about feeling shy/self-conscious - it is a therapist's job to use their skills to provide a comfortable and safe place for you to explore what's happening with you at the moment. They've also seen it all before so don't think you'll shock them in any way.

as for naive: it feels to me that you haven't progressed from the 22/24yo you were when you met him, almost that you are suspended at that developmental stage. My guess is that you haven't had a loving and supportive childhood (or you wouldn't have accepted such an appalling deal) and that can also arrest emotional development.

Whatever, you are on the right road to be questioning what's going on. You are beginning to wake up. What can seem a total disaster can actually be the caralyst for a far more fulfilling life than you thought you could have, so all is not lost. You've make some big mistakes and learnt some hard lessons - time to move on now.

[Proudnscary]

Hey Mrs M - am sorry you are so sad. I'm back because I wanted to show you that posters here care about you, no matter what's been said in anger or frustration or despair or outrage from both sides.

It's kind of uncomfortable that you keep apologising because then it's like we are here to chastise or even absolve you but we're not.

You need and deserve support.

Wise words from last few posters.

I don't think anything other than ending your marriage will get you on the road to happiness.

[AnyFucker]

proud, what are you on about...you always come back

[Proudnscary]

I don't know what you're talking about

[MrsMorton]

On Saturday we went to the pub, we have a neighbour who thinks a lot of himself and H thinks he fancies me (why wouldn't he, I am clearly irresistable ) and there were lots of small children in there so neighbour keeps saying ooh that's going to be you next. When we got home H was really cross (he's not a very nice drunk and he'd had a few) because he thought I had said something to this neighbour

So frustrating. Lots of other little things like I was supposed to be cooking but we kept staying in the pub because other neighbours etc would turn up and buy a round which is fine, I enjoy that sort of evening as much as anyone but if I hadn't cooked or it had been shit, I would be hearing about it until next week.

[Proudnscary]

I understand that you are venting on here. But if you actually want a response on this latest hellish episode then it's this. He is one of the most controlling men I've heard of on here. But any one of the examples you have given us of his unreasonable behaviour, and that is putting it mildly, is reason enough to get the hell out. He is sucking you of your spirit and he's robbing you of the best years of your life. Don't wait too long please.

[InNeedOfBrandy]

Whats holding you back MrsM?

[waltermittymistletoe]

Please leave. Nothing you've ever done makes you deserve this life.

[MrsMorton]

I need to arrange somewhere to live and finances. That's all I think. I do genuinely think that I have stopped using the part of my brain that allows me to think for myself in domestic situations. At work I'm at the top of my game and getting better but at home I'm lost.

[waltermittymistletoe]

That's what happens after years of systematic abuse. At work you're still allowed to be your real self.

And don't forget, at work you're just you. No baggage. At home he used the fact that you were the OW to keep you where you were, to make you believe he was your lot in life because of how you started.

Even posting here is a huge step because it means you know now that it's not ok. Sadly, some people never even reach that stage.

[wannaBe]

For those sitting up there on the moral highground it's always worth remembering, there's almost certainly someone sitting above you.

People have affairs, sometimes people cheat and sometimes people are the OW/OM. While cheating is never justified it's also very rarely black and white. If it was as simple as all that then we wouldn't live in a society where roughly 60% of people (men and women) in relationships admit to cheating on their partners (and that's before we get to the ones that don't admit it.)

Op how you and your dh got together is irrelevant. If you are not happy what you need to do is question what you are going to do about it now. This isn't about retribution or punishment. This isn't even about not being surprised that it's ended this way. This is purely about the relationship you are in now and what you are going to do about it.

[Proudnscary]

Why are you going over the 'moral highground' crap again WannaBe? And who are you talking to? . It's been established that a few posters a few pages back were straight talking and OP had some vile PMs but that a huge majority are supporting/rooting for OP and sticking around to listen and hold her hand, despite not approving of the way they got together.

MrsM - yes you have lost yourself. You can get yourself back though - so easily. I agree with Waltermitty that it's brilliant you are facing up to the truth as some women spend their entire lives under the thumb of such hideous men.

Finances and somewhere to live? Ok they are obviously big considerations but you have no kids, you have friends and family and you have a well paid job. It should be fairly easy for you to stay with someone or rent somewhere? Or do you mean you are uneasy about leaving the house/need to get savings etc tied up? Is it worth seeing a solicitor? Sorry if you already have and I've missed it upthread.

[waltermittymistletoe]

Wannabe you're about 280 posts late!

[oohlaalaa]

Re finances, when my friend got divorced, at about 30, she came away with practically nothing as she just wanted to get away from him as quickly as possible, and get the divorce all though, with minimal legal costs.

They had a business together, and her parents were guarantor for business loan, her priority was removing them as guarantor, and having the business all in her husbands name. The business was set up jointly, and included premises. She was concerned that if it got nasty, he would run up debts, and her parents would loose a lot of money.

She ended up starting again. She moved 300 miles north, to where her parents and sisters lived, got a job, and soon afterwards met a lovely man, who she's now married to with two daughters.

Okay, it doesn't always turn out like this, but if you want to get out, just get out, as money comes money goes.

[MrsMorton]

Oohlah, thank you for that. It's not too far from my situation and whilst it's obviously shit, it helps that someone else has trod the ground before me.

[TeaMakesItToTheTop]

Get yourself to a solicitor to understand handing over the business and extracting yourself/your family.

Talk to your bank about protecting joint debts/cards.

And rightmove will give you ideas on cost and locations and what's available.

If needs be, you can stay in a travelodge until you've got somewhere.

You could do that in two or three days.

Your next choice is to either leave the house and don't tell him you've gone, or to tell him you're going and leave the house. Do you have your plan yet?

Is there anything else holding you back?

I hope this helps you get your head in the right place. My DS and I had nothing. Just deck chairs, pans and toys until my work colleagues heard about it and rustled up beds, a sofa, a telly and some boxes. I remember it as the calmest and most relaxing couple of months of my life because I was free of all crap.

[tadpoles]

"My brother mentioned that a friend of his said I was fit and I knew IMMEDIATELY that the comment would cause friction and sure enough he sulked for two days before bringing it up with me. "

All in now clear - he realises that he is a difficult, controlling bugger and that he is lucky to have you at all. From the sounds of it you did his previous wife a huge favour by taking him off her hands. I would be very grateful if I were her.

He won't change. As you were quite young (and possibly inexperienced/naive) when you met him, you probably didn't spot the red flags. He is obviously a lot older than you and probably worked out that he would be able to seduce you and also ensure that you would carry more than your fair share of the burden of guilt. He probably wouldn't have been able to have any success with a more experienced woman or a woman whose radar was more closely honed. You were probably flattered because he was older and came on strong, and maybe also felt that, because he was already attached, he must REALLY like you in order to take that kind of risk.

I remember being in my early 20s and having a massive crush on a man who was married in his early thirites. I just couldn't understand why he didn't go for it as I simply had no concept of the reality of having a relationship with a married man and all the issues that go with it. That simply didn't enter my head. So what you did, from your perspective, was understandable. He, on the other hand, knew precisely what he was doing.

Like I say, he knows that he will find it difficult to attract another woman - especially a single one of childbearing age !!!!

Also, if you ever want children, you might just kick yourself that you wasted the best years on your life on someone who is a miserable git.

Just saying.

[tadpoles]

I recognise very well all the signs of a controlling type of man who wants his partner to be miserable as my father was like that. He was particularly nasty to my mother while he was having one of his many affairs - it's projection of their own guilt onto the innocent party and also, by turning the innocent party into the baddie, it gives them them the illusion that, as the wife is so flawed, then it's ok to be screwing someone else.

Honestly, a normal man wouldn't still be banging on about how you got together in the first place.....that's just nuts. Are you sure it isn't HIM who is having an affair?!

[AnyFucker]

It's time for you to get professional legal advice

[ScarletWomanoftheVillage]

Get a lawyer

Get packing

Get the hell out

You are allowed to save yourself, you know

Best of luck

[oohlaalaa]

Personally, I would sort out as much as you can without telling him. Get the removal men in when he's at work, and not around to manipulate. I wouldn't pre warn him, but maybe that's just me. It saves the confrontation on moving out.

[MrsMorton]

I have been thinking on this and I think I want him to leave and me to remain in the house. I think (hope?) he is rational enough to maintain our financial responsibilities to my parents, not least because he will benefit from them in the longer term. I don't know how to go about this though. Do I tell him I'm not happy and I want him to leave? Then he will expect to be able to work things out. FFS I can't even ask him what time he will be home from work without him saying "why do you want to know", if he's going out for a run he will question me if I ask him where he is going. It's driving me potty.

I stayed away with work last night and I'm just bracing myself for a hard time when he gets in.