I need help (and you'll probably flame me)

[MrsMorton]

I met DH when he was married and I was the OW, I'm not going to talk about my guilt etc but believe me it is ever present.
We have been together (not in an affair) for seven years and married for three. He has older children from his previous marriage, the youngest is 18 and I'm 31.

He absolutely does not trust me, last night a friend called me and DH sulked all night and is still sulking. Another friend who's DH has just DIED, texted me at midnight and I got a hard time for that as well.

Will he ever trust me? Is it my fault for being the OW? Is it because he knows how easy it was for us to get together? It's such a depressing way to live. I don't even contemplate doing things like going for works Xmas do because I know that even asking him if I can go will make him accuse me of something and I will get loads of texts asking me where I am and what I'm doing.

The only thing I've ever done to make him think this is I had emails on my account which were rude/flirty from before we met, I had forgotten about them & he logged on and found them.

Apocalypto, that is the post of my day. Thank you for making me smile.

Apocalypto...that is a great post and if some of those images you paint don't make OP sit up and listen, nothing will

Just a thought. Has this controlling and insanely suspicious behaviour revved up recently ? I reckon he is shagging someone else himself

Mrs Morton, you sound like such a nice person. (I know I have said that before). Why do I say that, because you imagine what it must have felt like for the first Mrs Morton, in other words you can put yourself in their shoes, and you feel sorry about it all. You have consistently shown a lot of moral courage.
That, in Africa, is called ubuntu and is the highest form of humanity.

Please follow your instincts: which are, 1. you feel sad 2. you are depressed 3. you bravely came on here and asked for help.

I will pray for you tonight (think caring thoughts for all of you who don't do God) that you find a good, caring counsellor who can help you get everything into perspective, forgive your small young self and help you come to the right decision for you. Good luck.

And everything proudnscary says!

Abit, is there any chance, love, you could quit with the "tight twat" pronouncements (you do it a fair amount). I cringe every time I see them, and I am sure I am not the only one.

Feel free to tell me to piss off of course, I am not exactly Mother Teresa where foul language is concerned, but the context in which you say it is jarring. Cheers.

Why, AF? It might jar, but it happens to be the truth. And the truth is:

a wife and mother cannot possibly compete with a younger, more attractive OW - whom she is relentlessly compared with.

There is nothing about affairs that is fair, or just.

The bit that is telling for me is your wording about Xmas do's etc ....."asking if I can go".
He sounds controlling- surely it's healthy to run it by your partner that you have a date in the diary etc, but "asking" is what you do when you're under 18, living with your parents!!!

What exactly do you love about this charmer? You are scared to even bring your feelings up with him, you see your life with him as a penance, he controls you, abuses you when you disagree with him, sulks, etc. what do you love about him, really?

Haha....had only read the op....just went back over some of the thread...."tight twat". Spat my tea out! I'm a prude though. Say what you mean, that's my motto :)

I'd like to add my own discomfort with the 'tight twat' reference.

For lots of reasons.

It is by no means true that this is a desirable feature for every man. Without becoming too graphic, I'd like posters to use their imagination about why this is actually sometimes a hindrance to good PIV sex, especially if there is a mismatch in sizes between a couple.

It reduces the OP (and women generally) to nothing more than the capacity of their vaginas.

It is unnecessarily hurtful to lurkers and other posters who might erroneously feel inferior, because they are older and have experienced vaginal births.

Despite all the misogynist jokes about women's 'tightness' I have never heard a man cite this as a reason for his affair or as one of the plus points in a new partner. Even in men whose misogyny is evidently embedded and who cannot hide it.

I have heard it said, Charbon. By the most foul man I have ever had the misfortune to come across (he did much, much worse than "simply" cheating on his wife). I don't want to think of any MN'ers in that way.

I am usually pretty harsh on cheaters, but the bit about how you can't sit in the staffroom in case you hear 'something rude' took the biscuit for me. Tell him the year 1850 called and it wants its attitude back. He has no right to carry on like this, whatever's happened in the past.

I took wobbly's post to be mockery of exactly that attitude.

Charbon, I got unnecessarily hurt. And as far as I can see, wives get reduced to objects whilst the OW is idealised.

Affairs are about shame, feeling less than, and deep humiliation, especially sexual and emotional. Its the other side of the seesaw nobody talks about, they get the high side, the excitement, the luurve and the hot sex.

Why should the OW miss out on these delightful experiences of pain? Just passing a bit of the humiliation on. Sorry, I am deeply flawed and massively furious that a woman knowingly helped a selfish man do this. They both know. The wife? It all happens without her knowledge or consent and that is deeply unfair. I know it is 'life' but it is so unfair and people just have no idea of the depth of the agony. Until it is being done to them.

Like I said, there is nothing fair or just about sexual betrayal.

I have heard it said, Charbon.

As per my third paragraph AF, I can't pretend I wouldn't have speculated about why this was such an issue for him, but if I'd voiced my suspicions aloud I guess I would have been just as bad as him

Abitwobbly now my love, I know you've been hurt - terribly. And you know how much I sympathise with that.

I'm just pointing out that if your misogynist husband said that this was a pull factor towards the OW, he is not every man who ever had an affair and that not all men think like this. Implying that it is a universal truth for all men, or all men in all affairs isn't necessarily correct. Men who reduce women like this really are in the minority.

Sadly, in this case it looks like the pull factor was nothing much to do with the OP's youthful physical attributes, but the psychological ones of being a younger, more pliable woman who was easier to manipulate and control than his wife.

I do too, Apocalypto, and I have every sympathy with her. But it isn't necessary to keep repeating it. Free speech 'n' all that, of course, but it's horrible. Not every man thinks like that, as per Charbon said, not even every cheating man thinks like that. Only the worst kind of people who diminish women to their sex organs think like that, and I don't think we should be skimming our eyes over it to spare ABit's understandable hurt and anger.

If I were to hear that phrase in RL, I would challenge it. It is un-necessarily nasty and misogynistic.

no matter who says it, I forgot to add

A man who claims a woman's vagina isn't tight enough is surely in fact complaining that his cock's not big enough.

AIUI, the pleasure cocks get from the vagina has little to do with its tightness and lots to do with the warmth and wetness. Condoms don't block the former but do block the latter. So if you asked men what feels better, tight vagina plus condom or average vagina bareback, my guess would be that they'd mostly prefer the latter. Even assuming they can tell a "tight" vagina from any other, which I frankly doubt, it has nothing to do with what makes sex fun.

So yes - a gratuitous insult to bring it up.

I reckon the pleasure they obtain from anal sex is often largely unrelated to what it may feel like.

Quietlysuggests So a man who is married just forgets about it if someone tries to seduce him. OS what if she did - he was married and if he was happy he wouldn't even look at someone else.

I am not saying an OW is not at fault at all as its about morals but the responsibility and commitment lies with the married person. If anyone should have trust issues it should be the OP as he is the cheater.

Its not always bad people that cheat, I was in a miserable marriage - controlling husband very similar to some of the OPs description except he was similar age to me and we got together in very ordinary circumstances. It was verging on emotional abuse and it was awful (I was 25). I fell in love with someone else and once I realised (before anything had happened) I ended the marriage but I still fell in love with someone else.

My new DH has never made me feel like your DH makes you feel, he trusts me completely and I him - he knew I was married and pursued things but it was my decision to leave my XH or not. He doesn't think I am a low life and nor do I - these things happen and no its not a nice thing to do but thats life.

You don't deserve to be treated like this - it was years ago and I really wouldn't be surprised if he treated his XW like this.

I still think you need to Google "Morbid Jealousy" OP. You will then realise this is all about him and not at all your fault. He chose you because you were good victim material I fear.

[Charbon to be fair he never said that - it was my hurt and humiliation that brought it up ]

I have read about the Othello complex and it's very fitting. He watches Coronation Street (I'm not into soaps) but i saw it last night and there's a storyline with the girl and Tyrone and that's how I feel.

You feel in danger of physical violence ?

He has never been violent but he gets really angry and shouts which does scare me.