I need help (and you'll probably flame me)

[MrsMorton]

I met DH when he was married and I was the OW, I'm not going to talk about my guilt etc but believe me it is ever present.
We have been together (not in an affair) for seven years and married for three. He has older children from his previous marriage, the youngest is 18 and I'm 31.

He absolutely does not trust me, last night a friend called me and DH sulked all night and is still sulking. Another friend who's DH has just DIED, texted me at midnight and I got a hard time for that as well.

Will he ever trust me? Is it my fault for being the OW? Is it because he knows how easy it was for us to get together? It's such a depressing way to live. I don't even contemplate doing things like going for works Xmas do because I know that even asking him if I can go will make him accuse me of something and I will get loads of texts asking me where I am and what I'm doing.

The only thing I've ever done to make him think this is I had emails on my account which were rude/flirty from before we met, I had forgotten about them & he logged on and found them.

What laqueen said.

There is a possiblity that the emails are a trigger OP. But that depends on the circumstances of the emails etc. Might make a little more sense if the mails were between you and someone you still see or work with / know for example ?

Difficult to tell but without more info then its not really possible to discard them or say they are the trigger / or part of his reaction.

But that's from before you met.

Why does he say you find it easy to lie? Because you flirted with someone before you got together.

I apologise, I assumed you meant further emails. Since you were single when those emails were written while he was snagging you while married. Its so ridiculous.

How do you feel about not having kids?

I think it's a classic case of projection. He says she find it easy to lie, because he did.

shagging not snagging. :)

I assume that OP has worked through the idea of not having kids when she had an affair with, and then married this man. OP, would that be correct ?

Well, at least at 31, if you do leave him, you have a lot of good time ahead to find someone who doesn't treat people badly.
All the best. (Really.)

(norah - she's not drip feeding, she mentions the e-mails at the bottom of the OP)

Also, IME - woman who have been with a man who has made "a great sacrifice" to be wtih them by leaving another family, usually end up feeling the have to stay with them/get married earlier than they might otherwise do, because they feel like he's done so much for them they 'owe' their DP. And usually they have also had to defend their relationship from friends/family who don't approve so feel backed into a corner/little support from outside the relationship.

Often, I've seen this and thought I bet if they had met when they were both single, it wouldn't have lasted this long, as you wouldn't feel you had to put up with being treated badly due to guilt.

I think the idea of not having kids is easier to make peace with when you're a youngster.
When you get older, you start wanting them. Imho.

no always af. I know several women who have said at 24 they are never having kids. But the. Have changed their minds.

One left her marriage as her husband was still of the mind that he didn't want them.

Perhaps the op doesn't.

And I agree with what you said there Don'tmindifIdo

don'tmind we have established that and i apologised.

I think it's madness to go to counselling with someone like this. A person who thinks it's reasonable to sulk over someone saying a compliment about his partner and tells his partner that they shouldn't even sit in their staff room, is not going to be swayed by counselling. They're controlling and have a worrying grip on reality.

He doesn't want you to sit in the same room as your colleagues, talk to your friends or get texts from them or hear that other people find you attractive. He doesn't trust you because you have exchanged flirty emails in the past, before you even knew he existed. Can you not see how warped and oppressive this is? He is trying to isolate you from everyone around you.

I say you'd be better off alone.

(Norah - sorry, took me too long to post that last message!)

Nora, I know some women don't and I think they are stupid to behave like that. Hence my reinforcement of your question to the OP.

To be honest, he was the dishonest one, the cheating husband. I dont think the reason he is jealous, controlling, sulky and suspicious has anything to do with how you got together. If you and him are not a good fit, you dont have to stay with him, just because you were part of his first marriage break up.

Dont feel guilty, you helped another woman get rid of a cheating, controlling, sulking and jealous partner! For all you know she thought "good riddance".

Just because somebody else has married a man, it does not mean that he is a catch, actually...

And NO he will never trust you, because he has learnt that human nature cannot be trusted, mostly because he knows he cant trust himself. So why trust you? FGS, massive breach of privacy going through your emails.

Go to works do, chat with me, stay in the staff room. Support your friend whose husband died. So what if he sulks? That is his lookout.

Look out for yourself, ok?

"He's never said anything about children ever."
Doesn't sound like a whole lot of mature discussion between equals there...

"I keep trying to talk to my mum about it but she just won't listen to me."
OP, you're 31. You don't need your mum's help. He had an affair with you because you were younger and easier to control than his wife. He's not going to change. He's old and he's been treating women like shit for a long time. Cut your losses.

Sorry af I misinterpreted your post.

No worries, Nora, we are all trying to help

My brother mentioned that a friend of his said I was fit and I knew IMMEDIATELY that the comment would cause friction and sure enough he sulked for two days before bringing it up with me.

I don't understand you OP. You say he found flirty emails. Why do you send flirty emails when you are in a relationship? Why do you tell him (or did your brother tell him?) that someone you knew thought you were fit?

There is something amiss here, don't get me wrong I think you are in a difficult and possibly abusive relationship but there seem to be some blurred boundaries and co-dependency. What are you telling your mother that she won't listen to?

Arrrggghh she didn't send emails when she was in a relationship with him!

OK Proud, just re-read - so he actively logged on to her emails and checked her old emails? That's just creepy.

How old were the flirty emails OP and how the heck did he get on to your account? Was he hunting or was it just something that he found by accident.

Also OP, when you say you are afraid to give an ultimatum (sort this out or leave) - what do you think he will say or do?

Does your mum think you have made your bed, so you now have to lie in it?

I don't know what he will say or do, that's the thing I'm scared of because it could be anything. I know I don't need my mums permission but it would be nice to have a port in the storm if I have to leave.
I didn't say I was fit, my brother said "oh well if we're on the subject [family resemblance] Xx said your sister's fit but it would be like kissing you but with long hair].

Totally out of my control.