Calling his wife a cunt under his breath

[toomanydaisies]

• [Message from MNHQ: This thread was started in 2012. Just saying...]

Please give me advice.

My friend called me in tears just now. She and her husband had had an argument - but she said it was nothing major. He went off into their bedroom and called her a cunt under his breath.

Not the first time he's done this apparently.

She told him she'd heard and he wasn't apologetic - just said he was speaking to himself.

I think this is terrible. Is it emotional abuse? I just don't know what to say to my friend...

And whilst they may live and respect me even though they called me a cunt I'm not sure I'd be able or willing to trust them on that.

*love

How about we say if you call your wife a cunt and she hears that is an incident of verbal abuse?

Depends. It he says it to her retaliation because she said 'you smell arsed added.

Saudi would not called that abuse. I would call it a couple who need to explore better eays to communicate.

But surely that's up to them Happy. They are allowed to set their own boundaries.
Why do you feel the need to belittle them?
Plus if they have been in a 30 yr relationship where they haven't been called names then being called a cunt would be a massive change from the norm and would warrant serious consideration as to whether to continue the relationship.

As Bela eloquently said up thread verbal abuse (using what many consider to be the worst of all swear words) like this rarely happens in isolation and the OP has alluded to such as well.

Excellent posts btw Offred.

I would call both things verbal abuse, because factually, that's what they actually are!

whats worse. Acting cuntish, or being called a cunt?

Why?

Why put up with either? Why even bother making the comparison?

because youre more up in arms about the word, than you are about the behaviour which QUITE POSSIBLY called for using the word

abigail this is a discussions forum and I'm entitled to disagree with or have an opinion on other posters viewpoints as they are with mine..

And some people have strongly disagreed with my viewpoint. Why, I've been called a 'minimiser of abuse' and 'dense' and 'un-educated' already on this thread..

For the record, I'm none of those

So if calling someone names immediately indicates an abuser......? Well I've just been well and truly abused online.

Strumpet - the thread is about the word. There's no mention of any "cuntish" behaviour whatever that might be.

Abuse is different to abuser I think.

So what is someone who perpetrates 'abuse' if not an abuser?

Everyone perpetrates abuse from time to time. Abusers are people who behave abusively and either do it deliberately or subconsciously because the effects benefit them personally. It is more about a pattern of behaviour and the balance of power and is not easily recognised from inside the relationship.

exactly Offred. As i said earlier. Even arguing with somebody is abuse of sorts. Calling someone names, yes its abusive, as is shouting and arguing, slamming doors.

An incident of abuse does not an "abuser" make.

Anyone who thinks they have never acted abusively to anyone ever is in denial.

I think its pretty much always a bad idea to get involved in other peoples relationship arguments. It never ends well. If you were talking about your own relationship then we'd have more info and background im sure.

Was her husband justified in calling his wife a cunt under his breath after a big argument? Maybe he was, maybe he wasnt. How on earth are we to know?

You may use different terminology from me but I agree with your point and have said this myself upthread - a pattern of mistreatment is what should be looking out for. That's why I find the extreme reaction to a vague example (we don't really know the ins and outs) of bad behaviour bizarre.

"Why I find the extreme reaction to a vague example ... bizarre"

Maybe it brought up a lot of issues and previous experiences for people though HappyNow ?

To me the OP is often just the starting point for a wider discussion

I understand what you're saying juggling , and as I've explained I also have previous experience of abuse. I totally agree that name calling should set alarm bells ringing and I also agree that it may have been the tip of the iceberg but some of the reactions seemed (to me) not in line with the crime we know about. That's just my opinion.

That all seems fair enough HGN

BelaLugosisShed
there is only one reason a man says it to his partner

Mindreading; untrue as evidenced by other posts in this thread.

CabbageLeaves
suggesting a woman who's been married for 30 years to a man who doesn't call her a cunt .....hasn't got a stable relationship

Reading comprehension; I expressed surprise that a 30 year relationship could be ended over the single use of a word. I'd go so far as to say disbelief.

Happy, it isn't about disagreeing. It is about respecting other people's boundaries. Disbelief, bizarre, precious little flowers are all words that have been used on this thread to belittle those boundaries. There have been implications that people should get over themselves, ignore the modern origins, intent and meaning of the word and should grow up. None of this is respectful of their boundaries.

Fair enough if it isn't a deal breaker for you but no need to ridicule others and what they expect from their partners.

And that's the point Abigail , how can anyone know his intent? There is no other evidence to provide proof of intent and no-one can actually see inside the husband's head.. So all this misogynistic/sexist talk really falls a bit flat.

And actually, I consider being called un-educated, dense, not well read and someone who minimises abuse rather disrespectful of my opinions and boundaries!

And I respect people who have reasoned opinions demonstrated by the content of their posts (whether I agree with them or not) and not just knee jerk reactions to certain things.

I do think it's distasteful to label the man in question an abuser worthy of divorcing based on the very little information we have. My opinion.

I'm sad to say that my DH has called me this in the past.

I recognise it as being a sign that he is totally out of control and trying to inflame the situation and goad a reaction. The most effective response is none at all.

Our marriage didn't end because of it, but it was during a pretty dreadful time, when I seriously considered ending my marriage. Not for the use of the word in itself, but because of all the other connected anger and vitriol towards me, IYSWIM.

Quite a few threads on here, under other names. Things are better now though.

Glad things are better Beryl , although I'm sorry you had to go through that.