Calling his wife a cunt under his breath

[toomanydaisies]

• [Message from MNHQ: This thread was started in 2012. Just saying...]

Please give me advice.

My friend called me in tears just now. She and her husband had had an argument - but she said it was nothing major. He went off into their bedroom and called her a cunt under his breath.

Not the first time he's done this apparently.

She told him she'd heard and he wasn't apologetic - just said he was speaking to himself.

I think this is terrible. Is it emotional abuse? I just don't know what to say to my friend...

Oh we have a whole stable of mind readers now...
I know plenty of people who use the word cunt (and other swear words) frequently.. They'd be as quick to call a man a cunt as a woman. Who are you to say they mean it differently.
I personally don't swear very much, but that's my choice..
How you can honestly say they you know the intention of everyone who uses the word and that they're all misogynistic ?? Some will be, some won't! Some real misogynists won't even use the word cunt. Imagine that!!

Well, your talents know no ends..

Oh and dick, dickhead, knob, prick.. can be used as insults too.

Oh god Bela do grow up and stop seeing things so simplistically..

My fw knows how much I hate the word so if called me a C* it would certainly deemed abusive.

After an argument where he called me a fucking bitch over and over, and then told me he reserved the right to call me this if I deserved it, he only backtracked when I asked him how we were going to handle seperation. No more chances when it comes to name calling.

You are completely and utterly wrong happygirl.

And a minimiser of abuse.

It's a word ffs nothing more nothing less don't give it power...sticks and stones and all that..

Seriously ending a 30 year marriage over a word get a life

It should not be about the word it is more about the lack of respect

Well yes Wantto makethingsright. That is kind of the point. The word conveys the disrespect.

Have you actually read any of my posts Anna ?
Oh I forgot, you don't have to, you can simply read my mind..

I think it is valid to examine what calling your wife a cunt might mean in this context. It is an insult which reduces a woman to nothing more than a cunt, it is not the same as vagina, it is about the sexual pleasure a man can take from the vagina, it is extremely threatening.... Sometimes, and sometimes it is just a nasty word... How do you know which and why would you take the chance? Being realistic I think I would not leave over one time although I think it would be perfectly rational to do so as once you have crossed the line and it has been tolerated it is very hard to then redraw it.

Jeez. My mum used to use the word cunt. I heard her call my father this quite a few times. They just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary. They sometimes get angry and argue. Big deal. It doesn't mean that they don't love eachother and are abusive.

By contrast my ExH was abusive. He never called me a cunt.

No one here knows what is going on in this marriage so to shout abuse because the H muttered cunt is more indicative of what is going on the head of the posters than in the relationship being discussed.

I'm not interested in reading your mind happy. I have a feeling it wouldn't be an entirely fulfilling exercise anyway.

Your prerogative Anna
Thanks Mrs Wolowitz, glad someone else has a balanced view..

I use the word fairly freely myself.

It generally shows my contempt for the washing machine or whatever im having trouble with at the time. Ive probably muttered it about many people during times of PMT.

I dont think im a nasty or abusive person, just a bit prone to swearing under my breath

For some people, the word is completely taboo - and for others, it's frequently used and means far less. I work with a doctor who frequently calls the photocopier this, and have members of my family who would be appalled and shocked if they heard him say it. In this context, because I know him, I just laugh it off when I hear him because the photocopier doesn't give a shit about the language he uses! Yet if he called me or another colleague it, he'd be out of a job. So it is a frequently used four letter word and the effect of it is surely determined by the circumstances it is used in, and the feelings people have about it's use.

We don't know the dynamics of the couple involved, and regardless of our opinions of the word, the lady called it is upset, and her friend, the OP doesn't know what to say to her, so wants our advice.

Mine, for what it's worth, is that the word is forgiveable if this guy uses the word a lot, about a lot of stuff. If he just uses it about her, then there's a lot of anger, rage, resentment and undermining of the lady concerned.

So, if it's a word he only reserves for her, then I'd tell her to talk to him about the issues leading up to the word, not the word itself.

Thing is, people do use words referring to male genitalia as terms of abuse, as well. People call unpleasant or unsatisfactory men (or even nice ones that they are having a go at) pricks, knobs, bellends, dicks.

And I do think an insistence that everyone who uses a particular word to express annoyance, anger or exasperation is meaning exactly the same thing and conveying the exact same attitude is pretty immature. It puts you in the book-burner camp. Making certain words taboo can also actually be a bullying tactic: if you are in the wrong and someone who is angry with you resorts, in exasperation, to using a Bad Word, you can shit your pants and scream and reclaim the moral high ground because of the Terrible Thing S/he Said even if you were wholly in the wrong at the start of the argument.

Exactly Solid Gold.

So many of use on here (me included) call our exes 'Twunts' but I never say that as an attack on fellow women....

I agree with you sgb but for me it wouldn't be about the particular word but that the relationship was an environment where disrespectful and offensive names were being used. Ultimately I'd like to think I'd not value any relationship so highly that I'd keep it going on in those circs, just what is the point? I'd be happier on my own than being with someone who called me any nasty name when we argued. Actually ending things is a different matter and this is my view on my own boundaries for some people names/language doesn't matter or mean disrespect. To me it does.

Still think it is valid to examine the particular word and the ways people use it though as it would be to think about any word; dick, bastard, bitch etc

That's odd SGB, you have said before that a man calling a woman a cunt is a big red flag towards abusive behavior.
I was talking specifically about a man calling a woman a cunt in anger, not about use of the word in general , although I abhor it and think it shows a massive lack of respect towards others if used in conversation, but that is just my personal viewpoint .

Bela: Not something I remember posting, but it would probably be in context of several red flags showing at once.

Muttering it indicates it was some attempt at feeling in control. The fact he didn't yell it in your friend's face shows he probably doesn't feel particularly dominant.

I would hazard a guess that your friend's husband had "lost" that particular argument. If your friend was shocked by him using it, then chances are he has never used it or anything like it before.

Sorry to say, I think your friend's husband is the one at the end of his tether here. He clearly has something very, very heavy on his mind to go that far when it sounds like he has not done anything like this before (based on your friend's shock at hearing it).

For the word to spill out, he has probably been shouting it in his head for days beforehand. I would say this was a snap. If there are more over the coming weeks, then there is something big on the horizon.

this thread is unintentionally hilarious. I don't think it's a sacking offence, in and of itself.

I've def called DH a cunt before. He was probably being one. Not sure if he's called me one or not. Probably, though.

(and we've been together 11 years, both well educated, and I'm 100% sure he respects me. We're just gutter mouths).

What 50shades said.

None of us can be sure of the "power" of the word cunt in this relationship. She was upset so obviously it is a BAD THING in this case. But he may not have known how offensive she finds that word. He does now. If he continues then that would be very bad.

It was muttered, not screamed in her face as she was being pinned down.

Personally I find "bitch" more of an insulting, woman-hating word. As other posters have said, men can be called cunts too.

I love the word cunt. I have a potty mouth though.

I don't use it aggressively though.

I don't find the thread "hilarious", I'm not particularly hung up about any word in particular, I feel they get their power from how they are used but you equally shouldn't divorce them completely from their origins; those should be understood.

People are perfectly entitled to set their own boundaries for how they want to be treated. Something I really dislike is the idea that people should adjust their boundaries or standards according to what other people say, do or think; this "what is normal?". I think some on this thread are going to some lengths to bully others snidely about "balance", reason and hysteria because they don't share the same (lower) standard.

I don't really get why finding the use of, what are generally considered offensive terms, offensive deserves such sneering? Ok if your personal standard is different that's your choice but other people setting their boundary differently shouldn't threaten you if you are completely comfortable with your choice.