Calling his wife a cunt under his breath

[toomanydaisies]

• [Message from MNHQ: This thread was started in 2012. Just saying...]

Please give me advice.

My friend called me in tears just now. She and her husband had had an argument - but she said it was nothing major. He went off into their bedroom and called her a cunt under his breath.

Not the first time he's done this apparently.

She told him she'd heard and he wasn't apologetic - just said he was speaking to himself.

I think this is terrible. Is it emotional abuse? I just don't know what to say to my friend...

Exactly Cabbageleaves.
HappyGirl, a man who calls a woman a cunt, even if he's nice the rest of the time ( which is highly doubtful) , is an abusive man who doesn't respect women.

Everyone is fixating on the word instead of reading the intent of the man saying it , there is only one reason a man says it to his partner.

At last..some sense on the thread.

I seriously wonder about some folk...

For a man to call his wife a cunt...well, it's kind of indicative that he is an abusive man. But if it makes some of you feel better to rationalise it as 'just a word' and 'maybe she was being a cunt .. ' well, go right ahead. Or maybe attempt to educate yourself a little better and raise your self esteem.

Dh called me that recently. Now separating.

It was in front of the children too

Dh is not abusive... Just a c@nt ;-)

at anna -I haven't once said name calling is ok, but it is just a word like any other . Try educating yourself and stop giving it so much power.

is he being abusive if he calls her a twat, or a wally, or a meanie, or a bitch?

is it just the word cunt thats abusive?

Is a woman being abusive when she calls him a pig or a cock?

In my opinion, the word abusive can be overused to an extent it loses all meaning.
When we shout or argue with a partner we are already abusing each other. Fact. Its never ok to make someone feel bad, but we all do it to each other all the time. Its a side effect of living with other people and complex relationships. Theres always going to be a certain amount of compromise and a certain amount of conflict.
If hes calling her names and shes upset by it, then they need to sort it out. Not just assuming that shes a victim and hes an abuser. Certainly not just by what has been said here, but it sounds like hes upset with her behaviour and vice versa, but we dont know how it all started, so its really impossible to jump to conculisoions

And that's just fine Happy.... you can allow your dh to call you a cunt if you so wish and rationalise it and minimise it... after all, it's just a word. I choose to be with a man who'd never dream of saying it.

Horses for courses. And this thread has been an education for me... so many women who shrug and think it's no biggie because they've been brainwashed into thinking 'it's just another word like 'dafty' or 'silly billy ' eh....

Well said strumpet

It's the tone in which is was used imo which matters.

Though a bit strong.

Really strumpet? You need someone to tell you which of those words you should accept being called by the person who is supposed to love you? Would you call your children any of those?

Abusive behaviour is not recognised or identified enough.

Once again, at Anna , how very presumptuous. Actually, my fiancée has never called me a name and I've never called him one. If I saw a pattern of that emerging I would address it and if it didn't stop I would end the relationship. But I wouldn't end it after one instance, not would I end it because he used the word cunt in particular.. I'm a big girl

Abigail adams. Without knowing how the argument started, what it was about, how it went, and the backstory behind it, im very reluctant to label a guy an abuser for muttering the word cunt under his breath AFTER an argument.
It sounds like whatever they meant to sort out, wasnt sorted out at all, and hes left feeling still pissed off.

I wouldnt like it. I dont fight like that, but if you would shout ABUSER about that without knowing any other details, then id say that you were being a bit hysterical

"hysterical" .

Just another word I suppose?

Words have meanings, history and context. You choosing to ignore that doesn't eradicate it.

Yes just another word unless you have a bunch of people over thinking and allotting it more power than it actually has..

It means female genitalia and I rather like mine..

In this particular scenario, where an angry man is calling his wife a cunt, it is verbal/emotional abuse underlined by a misogynistic attitude - it is the worst thing a man can call a woman (along with whore) and if men don't understand that then they need educating as to the reason why, only men who hate and despise women would call a woman a cunt. The only thing I can think of as comparable in reverse is if a woman called her husband a paedophile or a rapist when she was angry with him.

Lots of words used as an insult are female genitalia. It isn't a coincidence.

And you know that's his underlying thoughts and emotions do you? I don't think so! Who put you inside his head?? Maybe he calls anyone who's annoyed him a cunt and its nothing at all to do with her being a woman?
Really, must be fantastic being able to mind read...

HappyGirl, you would do well to read up on abusive men.
If all the word cunt meant ( in the context of a man calling a woman) was vagina, I wouldn't be remotely upset , it's simply the fact that men who call women cunts regard them as lesser human beings, it's meant as the ultimate putdown.
Calling a man a "cock" isn't abusive because there is no innate hatred behind it.
Insults that involve calling people by a female name (usually genitalia related) , are hugely woman-hating, always inferring that anything do with being a woman is inferior by default.

If my DP called me a cunt/bitch/fucking XYorZ, it would be a pretty clear indication of his contempt and utter lack of respect for me. He'd be binned, no exceptions.

I feel sorry for anyone, male or female, who tries to rationalise things like this as "it was one time", "everyone swears", or "it's just a word". It's nothing to do with the word or swearing, it's an example of him/her showing just how little he thinks of you, and how comfortable he is in showing it because he knows you won't stand up for yourself. That's why I won't tolerate any kind of name-calling, and if having some self-esteem makes me "prim", "boring" or "old fashioned", so be it (although I think it's pretty desperate that being unwilling to stand for being called names is considered "prim".)

Yy to Bela and FiercePanda.

HappyGirl, are you being deliberately dense?

Only a particular type of man deliberately calls his wife a cunt, no matter of it's a word in his general vocabulary or not. If he doesn't see anything wrong with it and doesn't understand the inferrance, then he must be really really stupid.

My FIL is a lovely man, i'd go so far as to say that he is a gentleman. The is respectful, polite and kind. He also uses the word cunt in general conversation (i have had to ask DP to pull him up on it in the past, obviously not acceptable in front of children. Its just the sort of person he is - think Alf Garnet without the racism. He might say, "oh you know that silly cunt down the road........."

My DP has called me a cunt before, now i COULD get all on my high horse about it, i was thinking about it today, we had a "play" argument in the car today, we got lost (sort of) he didn't MEAN it, it made me think about this thread. We also might use it if we one of us said we were going to do something ridiculous or being UR about something, "don't be a cunt" other people might say don't be a twat and that would be perfectly acceptable. I'm not sure i would like "you are a cunt" or "cunt" muttered under breath in an argument - because walking away from me in an argument fries my head and is garunteed to escalate things. I'd be more angry about that than the word that was used.

I cannot say that this man isn't abusive to his wife, because i don't know the rest of the circumstances, but for me, this doesn't make him a woman hater. I am just not that BOTHERED by the word. I reserve cunt for times when i am immediately angry or frustrated, i used to have a job that involved doing something stupidly fiddly, it would take a long time and it could go wrong easily and it would be back to stage one - i don't think i have ever used the word cunt quite so frequently, the other guy in the lab was the same - everything would be quiet then all of a suden one of us would utter - you Cunt!!!! It really was the only word that was appropriate for the level of frustration. Its a great word.

My DP also uses it in a sexual context, if i am aroused i actually find it quite horny, but in an non aroused state if he were to call my vagina my cunt he would get a face.