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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ginny pigs prove the options are of limited quality - Dating thread 28

999 replies

lubeybooby · 11/11/2012 18:45

New one - chit chat all dating stuff here.

Off you go! :o

OP posts:
OhWesternWind · 16/11/2012 13:47

Hello everyone! So sorry so many of you seem to be having a crap time of it, Bant and Snape especially. Really hope things work out.

Snape - my dd had a really hard time coping with issues about how ex treated her. I got a referral to CAHMS very quickly and they were brilliant. She refused to attend so I went by myself and got so many useful strategies off them. Lovely people. Hope you get some help for your ds soon too.

And all these dating horror stories! Can't believe what has been going on, all these sleazy guys coming out of the woodwork. Could it be the time of year - they're all desperate to be coupled up for Christmas? Good on all of you for not putting up with any crap.

Things with me are good and I'm feeling really positive about all sorts of things. I am becoming more and more woo this year - the results of my cosmic ordering experiment have absolutely floored me. I now have an extra £3000 out of the blue, an end to house things with ex when it looked like I was going to have to get embroiled in a very expensive court case to get him to sell, a grammar school place for my dd (which was down to her efforts entirely so I can't really include that), and a lovely man with things all going the right way . . . There's actually nothing on my original list that hasn't worked out despite things seeming very, very black when I first wrote it. I will be back very soon though in worry mode as his operation is fast approaching but I am trying not to think about that at the moment and just enjoy the good things that are happening and the feelings that seem to be developing (on both sides I think/hope).

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine · 16/11/2012 13:49

Hi Outthereagain I've only used OKC myself so can't really comment on the other sites. I would say that in general that there's good and bad eggs on all of them. As a rule of thumb I avoid any usernames with sexual or casual overtones. It's fairly likely that "ShoreditchKinkster" or "GoodtimeMike" aren't going to be looking for anything serious. Also, avoid profiles where guys say they are looking for "Fun" or anything "casual".

Apart from that I would just say listen to your gut instincts all the time & don't be afraid to be very strict and ruthless. I find that the idiots will generally give themselves away after a few emails. It's almost as if they can't resist saying something stupid/sexual/utterly inappropriate.

POF has a bad reputation but can have some hidden gems. My friend met her very nice, very cute BF on there a while back.

OhWesternWind · 16/11/2012 13:52

OutThere and other new daters - I know that PoF seems to have a really bad reputation, but I didn't find it like that at all. I had no rude photos, no requests for rude photos, no dirty texts etc. I started off on Match as I'd been put off a bit by the bad press for PoF and had a couple of dates - nice blokes but no spark. I couldn't afford keeping up the membership so went on OkC (no luck at all apart from weird messages from blokes in Chicago) and PoF. Got a lot of "Hi"-type messages on PoF which I didn't bother with but met six or so very nice, decent men and actually had another five trying to arrange dates which I was probably going to go on when I met the lovely man I'm with now. He's not at all like your stereotypical PoF guy. In fact, no-one I've met whilst OD has been like that. So I think so long as you keep your twat radar on full alert and exercise a bit of judgement, you'll be fine whichever site you go on.

Another bonus with PoF is that there are a LOT of people on it. Some of the other sites are a bit sparse outside the big cities.

OutThereAgain · 16/11/2012 13:56

Thanks milk and OhWW - what is OKC??

Am really new to this and haven't a clue about the lingo or etiquette for that matter.

What are the main dos and don'ts?

OhWesternWind · 16/11/2012 14:01

OkC is OK Cupid.

All the sites are different in the sorts of questions you have to answer, type of profile you write etc so it's a matter of finding one you click with. PoF is very straightforward which for me is a plus point.

The main things I would say are don't feel you have to respond to people that contact you if you don't like the look/sound of them, don't be afraid to be the one that makes the first contact, don't spend too long messaging before you meet up (otherwise it's so easy to build it up in your mind into something it's not) and above all, treat it lightly and as a bit of fun/an ego-boost and then anything that follows is a bonus.

I really enjoyed the messaging and dating - the sites can get a bit addictive to be honest. I am not an expert at all as I was only dating for a couple of months. I did want to find someone so I decided I would go on at least one date a week, meet as many people as possible as I'm convinced it's really just a numbers game a lot of the time.

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine · 16/11/2012 14:06

OKC- OK Cupid.

Do's- Message whoever takes your fancy. Don't feel as if you can't make the first move (tis 2012 after all) Make sure you tailor your message to their profile. No "Hi" messages or sending the same message to more than one person.

Don't s-If someone doesn't answer or vanishes then LEAVE IT. There's nothing more undignified than the, "Why aren't you answering me" message. Don't reveal personal details too early on and don't leave it too long before meeting in the flesh. Always meet in a public place, never in your or their home.

Take everything they say with a pinch of salt to begin with, don't build up big fantasies in your head & most of all try and have fun. If you can grown a skin as thick as a rhino as well then that will probably help.

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine · 16/11/2012 14:09

Also, if you can subtly find out their surname & then quietly stalk them on FB then that's always good Blush Usually people only put their most flattering pics on their dating profiles. If you can get a sneaky peek at their 1am drunk in a nightclub ones as well then you will get a far more realistic idea of their appearance*

Not that I personally do this of course! ahem*

OutThereAgain · 16/11/2012 14:10

Thanks both. Will have a look at OKC over the weekend.

This is going to sound a bit pathetic but... how do you get over the "I'm meeting a complete stranger" feeling when you meet someone? I've never even been on a blind date!

hatesponge · 16/11/2012 14:13

bantam really sorry about your job, is it a redundancy situation or are you a contractor? either way it's a horrible time of year to get that news, my colleagues are all going through it at the moment as they are closing our office.

Hopefully something even better will come along on the job front...or else a millionaire to invest in ethicaldating.com :)

bantamrooster · 16/11/2012 14:20

OutThere - the trick is to do enough emailing/texting so they're not a complete stranger, you feel like you at least want to meet them, but not enough that you have unrealistic expectations when you do meet.

A few other general rules of thumb (there are exceptions to all of these, but generally):

Always believe the worst photo. If they only have one, they won't look as good as that in the flesh

People are always funnier & wittier when behind a keyboard. Don't think you know them until you've met them two or three times in person.

Sometimes things can go well and then people drop off the radar. It's very unlikely to be your fault, if they do the disappearing, it's for some unknown reason. It's tough to deal with at first, especially if you like them, but it happens.

Keep an eye out for the red flags, only meet those you really want to meet - those who you are thinking 'meh' about probably won't be better in the flesh

Remember they're meeting a complete stranger too, you can joke a bit about how weird it is with them, and see how that goes down. If they're serial daters (oh I do this every week) then that's probably a red flag right there. Have a get-out clause ready if you need it.

Don't drink alcohol, or at least too much, on the first date

right. I've applied for a job. That was quick. yay me

watchoutforthatsnail · 16/11/2012 14:25

sorry bant. seems to be a few of us with big life stuff going on at the momment. utterly shit time to be dealing with it as well. I presume they will be paying you redundancy so its not a huge immediate panick? i do hope you find something soon.

on the issue of that, i was still half chatting with somone on pof ( profile is hidden) we have a date booked for next friday, but ive hardly chatted all week. he sent me two messages so i thought i should honestly reply, and i explained i had been busy with a new job and a ton of extra hours and then that i had been given notice by my landlord and had been viewing houses, trying to sort funds to do so, and packing. And that it wasnt glam nor interesting, but that i thought i should explain.
he came back with ' yeah, what else have you been up to'
i said ' not much to be honest, thats pretty much taken up all of my waking hours and then some'
he said 'oh'
then i got ' sounds like you need some fun, i can think of a few things for our date if you are like minded'

i obviously wont be going.
i get a bit fucked off with the assumption/ expectation that i need to be doing massivley amazing, exciting things all of the time. Most people in a new job, working more than double their hours for a month, would be fucked. on top of that ive had notice to leave my home of the last 4 years. and hes disapointed im not out being carefree? and then makes a lame pass.

urgh.

account deleted not just hidden now.

MadameOvary · 16/11/2012 14:25

Hello everyone. I am absolutely sodding shattered due to head cold, PMT, and lack of sleep so my concentration is completely shot.
Snape you need to borrow the Tardis to see the stellar life your DS will have. Hope you get the help and support you need.
Yoga - no platitudes from me, just lots of luck and happy woo.
Bant - sorry about your job, hope this means something even better is going to come along in its place.
Kirsty - watch out for the "perfect" thing. It is a red flag. You do not want to be put on a pedestal and men who do this are to be avoided as you will be expected to maintain their standard of perfection. Plus it's creepy.

watchoutforthatsnail · 16/11/2012 14:42

but bant - what counts as a serial dater?
i probably was one... you have had quite a few dates yourself recently too.
i probably had one every other weekend last year.

it wasnt that i was a player, or am overly picky, its just that i didnt meet the right person.

OhWesternWind · 16/11/2012 14:50

I had a lot of dates too when I was dating - I wanted to meet someone that I clicked with and so I was going to date until that happened. I get what you mean, Bant, about people who just want to go on first dates and nothing more, but I'm not sure how you can tell the difference between "serial first daters" and people who haven't yet met anyone suitable but are keeping trying . . . God, I would be mortified to be a Red Flag Woman!

bantamrooster · 16/11/2012 14:52

watch - there's no real number, but some people just want the experience of dating without really pursuing anything serious - that's an option on some of the sites of course. Someone who's been doing it every weekend for a couple of years and is blase about it is someone to watch out for.

I think with some men it's probably worse, they're going to set up a date every weekend or so, or every other weekend, ply someone with drinks, bring out the same old anecdotes and funny one-liners, in the hopes of getting someone into bed on the first date. Maybe those are some of the blokes where there seems to be a spark but they just never get back in touch. They know they won't get you into bed on the first date, or the second or third, so they'll move on to an easier target.

It's not the number of dates you go on, I suppose, it's how cynical you are about it. Other people keep trying and are hopeful they'll meet the right person.

natureslaw · 16/11/2012 15:11

I know I'm quite new on this thread 'n all but can I link to a profile?
It is not offensive or anything like that but I just don't know what to make of it!

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine · 16/11/2012 15:15

Yes of course nature Link away!

natureslaw · 16/11/2012 15:18

www.pof.com/viewprofile.aspx?profile_id=46331302

Hope this works. I am not going to go out with him! Is this weird or have I just stumbled onto the set of Brokeback Mountain?

WarmFuzzyFun · 16/11/2012 15:23

Hey everyone!

Bant being out of work sucks, sorry that it is happening to you, at this time of the year. I hope that it will only be for a very short time.

Yoga, are you wearing the tunic dress for next date? Let's know how you get on.

OWW you're right there is a distinct difference re:serial dater vs haven't found what I want yet.

lubey your end of marriage and early dating experiences are very similar to mine. Spooky..Smile

Watch he sounds young, how old is he?

I have worked out the Christmas budget Yay! Not that it too long, there wasn't much to spend, but always feel better having nailed down the expenditure at this time of year.

Late spin class tonight, yeah that is my Friday night, forty-five minutes of cycling hard to loud music, then being the taxi service for my kids' social life.

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine · 16/11/2012 15:24

It's exceptionally weird. You do get profiles like that occasionally. That one is pretty world beating however!

WarmFuzzyFun · 16/11/2012 15:26

natureslaw he is a horse trainerGrin

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine · 16/11/2012 15:27

Oh & Watch sorry to hear about your demoralising POF messaging. It is awful when that happens. At least you've found out he's only after his leg over before you actually endured meeting him though.

How old is he? Not that youth is an excuse. I'm currently seeing a manboy from OKC & if he messaged me stuff like that he's be told to sling his hook immediately!

bantamrooster · 16/11/2012 15:28

nature - it's the Marlboro Man! With a bristol accent of course.

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine · 16/11/2012 15:28

I wish he was a horse trainer warm! It would make him my ideal man,

WarmFuzzyFun · 16/11/2012 15:34

Oh and lunch was a packet of milk bottles.

Dinner as yet undecided, I am living on the edge!

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