Found myself in a terrible situation, need advice

[Lasaucisse1978]

I started this in lone parents and have just moved it on other posters' advice to here. I have pasted what I originally wrote below but now the initial shock has worn off I really don't know what to do. Is it a totally stupid thing to even consider seeing if we can get through this with counselling? Am I a mug for even thinking it? He is at home now and life seems so normal. The DCs are so happy to have him here and I am feeling guilty for even thinking of breaking up the family even though I have done nothing wrong. Anyone else got any experience?......

I married my partner of almost eight years two months ago, after two children and being engaged for five years.

Three days ago I snooped on his mobile phone, something I have never done before as I have always believed in trust and privacy. But something, whether it was intuition or sixth sense made me check and I thought it would just give me piece of mind. Instead what I uncovered was truly awful and now I am in a horrible predicament and struggling to decide what to do.

I discovered that not only was he having an affair, she is three months pregnant with his child. Ironically it was on our two month anniversary I discovered this and means he was seeing her just before we got married.

I was so shocked I just logged off instantly and then had to act all normal before he went to work. I was in bits all day and as soon as he got home and went to change I checked again. Unfortunately he had deleted everything. Later that night when I couldn't sleep I got up to check again and there were a whole load more text messages where it gets even worse. Not only is having an affair it has been going on for two years! On top of that he is giving her money for a flat, talks of me as a mistake, only staying with me for the sake of the kids, has left twice and gone back etc etc. It's all very me me me and how he has been distraught about it all. You get the gist.

I gleaned from all these messages which I took the liberty of photographing with my phone for proof that he only broke it off with her a few days before the wedding and of course she then revealed the pregnancy and now it is all back on they are "rekindling" and "in Love" his words not mine.

I have been checking his phone each night (he doesn't realise I know the password) when he is asleep and I can't sleep. I have found so many more incriminating messages written in the last couple of days and the worst of it was last night I discovered quite by accident that he is not only seeing this woman but he was lining up a far more casual meeting with another woman for two week's time who he has clearly slept with before!!! So not only is he cheating on me he is cheating on her. There is a small amount of satisfaction in that for me as she knows about me and the children and doesn't give two hoots but he is clearly being awful to her too.

I was distraught the first few days, have been physically sick, unable to eat and generally in pieces. I married him because I loved him and genuinely wanted to spend my life with him. He clearly is a duplicitous b*tard who I hope rots in hell. Now I am really really angry. I have an appointment with a family lawyer next week and have held off confronting him until I gather even more evidence and see the solicitor.

I am really really worried though as although he has never deprived me of money he has always been really cagey about it. He is already divorced and has a daughter who he has had to fight through courts to see. I am now wondering if the story about his ex-wife is all lies now too. A lot of the debts are in my name unfortunately and he has never bothered to get his statements sent her, they always go to his mum's house and I think he has shredded a lot of them. Naive you might say as when I entered the relationship I had a good job, very little debt but I trusted him implicitly, we had two children together, we agreed I would stay home to raised them and of course we were engaged to be married.

I am really worried he will leave us in the lurch I hope not but I just don't know. I know I am torturing myself with all of this and until I confront him and see a solicitor it is all supposition but does anyone have similar experience????

I just can't believe the level of his deceit. I never saw this coming not in a million years and I can't believe the man I stood in front of all our friends and family and said vows with was carrying on like this behind my back. I am heartbroken but mostly I feel so sorry for our children. Through no fault of their own they are now going to be the product of a broken family and weekend father.

It's all so depressing. Just want some moral support

Just checking how you are?

So sorry you are going through this. I would contact the pregnant OW with cold hard proof of all his lies about being suicidal, hospital, not being able to drive, etc. I think it is the right thing to do. She and the baby are at risk of STDs and worst case, once she has the full picture she may not want to have his baby any more - she will find out eventually but given the timing, it is best she knows ASAP. She also may not know about his first wife and daughter...

Re his parents - they are also your dc's gps who you might want your dcs to see and get support from
you're doing really well
remember to eat a lovely treat every day

How are you today, LaSaucisse? I hope yesterday went okay. Be extra-kind to yourself today. Xxx

I've been thinking of you too. How are you and DCs?

The weekend was difficult but got through it just about. He turned up looking all tearful but the kids had a lovely day with him though he did his usual thing which is throw money at something if he can't solve it and took them out to lunch and bought them new coats. On one hand I don't mind because they needed new coats but he has always been the sort of guy who would rather buy them stuff than actually give them attention and play with them. Havign said that I think he did actually make the effort on Saturday to get down to their level, read and play. I am sure it won't last..

Anyway, I was nervous as hell and when I cam back at the end of the day I tried to talk to him about practical matters ie telling the children and money. I can only lie to them for so long, my eldest isn't stupid and she is already asking questions about where Daddy is. They are used to him staying away for business but not as much as this. I also needed to ask about money but he got all red eyed and left without saying a word.

I did manage to tell him I don't hate him. Bizarre but I don't. I do pity him for what he has lost and I am annoyed at him for not facing up to stuff.

In a nutshell he basically doesn't want anyone to know what he has done because obviously it makes him look like a total shit. He has begged me not to tell anyone and even had the nerve to ask if we coould somehow keep the status quo for when his daughter from his first marriage comes to stay, huh??? How on earth are we supposed to do that - he comes here every other weekend and we play happy families?? She's 14 she's not stupid and is owed an explanation, naturally I said no. It is bacon saving on his part because he knows his ex-wife will use it against him in their continual war over access but he should have thought of that when he embarked on a two-year affair.

Also he doesn't want to tell our DDs (6 and 3) becasue he says he doesn't want them to hate him and they will adjust naturally. I disgaree - I think they need an explanation and also they won't hate him. I am living proof of that, my mum had an affair with my stepddad when I was 7. It was horrid at the time but they kept it all amicable for us children. I am now extraordinarily close to all of them. I'm not saying what they did was right but I am able to form my own opinions as an adult. I think our DDs will one day do the same and besides, I wasn't planning on telling them the full gory details. Again they will know that sort of stuff when they are older. But it looks like it is going to left to me to deal with it because "it's too painful for him and he needs to get stronger first".

He is basically feeling v sorry for himself and licking his wounds - he hasn't once asked how I am coping or how the kids are coping. It is all about him him him, how badly he is struggling, coping etc.

Don't worry I am not about to believe his show as many of you are right that is exactly what he is doing but I feel like I am being forced to offer comfort to him when he is the one that caused all this. He definitely wants people to feel sorry for him. He is a weak man and a coward.

Anyway the next hurdle is money. He has assured me by text he will still give me money for the time being and he isn't about to let me down that way but Thursday is payday and bills all come out over and just after the weekend. It is the litmus test to see if he will actually do what he says because if not I am screwed and I do have the solicitor on stand by in case he does screw me over. Watch this space.

He has not mentioned the OW once. I have no idea if he is still seeing her, living with her etc. I suspect he is probably telling her how much he loves her and he has finally left me for her blah blah blah. She is welcome to him. However, although I have tried to be gracious I will have a major problem if he is with her and expects the children to stay with them all and play happy families. I hope he wouldn't be so stupid to do that and I am not sure how I would handle it if he does but I would be extremely angry. Anyway, I still fucking hate her and every day wrestle with telling her what a horrible woman she is and ruining her world too. I know it would make me feel better for about five minutes but it wouldn't help anything. I am not naturally a vindictive person but in her case I'll make an exception.

As for me emotionally I have good days and bad days where I end up in floods of tears or work hard to try and earn some money. It is so changeable at this stage. Only two weeks now until my mum comes home and I can't wait to see her. I really miss her. I really do want to come out of this with as much dignity intact as possible and as much positivity as the situation will allow but have to wait and see.

Under no circumstances should you agree to keep what he has done a secret form everybody just to save him the shame. Who the hell does he think he is asking you to do that?

I think it's time you told people personally. If you don't want to meet the OW then at least write to her. I can't believe how calm and reasonable you are being. I know I said stay dignified, but you are SERIOUSLY due some retribution, even if you go about it in a dignified fashion.

I agree with Fell. No way should you keep it from people. He'll turn it around and it'll be your fault. What a shit he is. Am so glad you can see through him though.

Actually, your children need to know. Tell them in your own time. You are their number one carer and this decision is for you. Likewise, tell whomever else you want or need to tell; I would suggest you tell everyone. This will help you, and open up the opportunites for rl support.

Glad you managed the w/e, and weren't taken in by his 'poor me' act. Keep strong, keep going; thinking of you.

"I also needed to ask about money but he got all red eyed and left without saying a word."

I bet he did.

What a manipulative shit.

You need to stop feeling sorry for him.

He's living the life of Riley when he's not weeping in your house. He's got his pregnant girlfriend to comfort him.

Please don't continue his lies. Its the DCs who suffer in the longer term. The truth will come out at some point and its better done when you can control it. Someone else may put a different slant on it and your DCs must come first.

He doesn't own what comes out of your mouth any more. Take control back and deal with this in a way that suits you, not him.

I'd have the nasty suspicion that all the time you don't tell people the truth, he is using that time for thinking, thinking, thinking of a story, some story, any story he can spin to people that puts YOU in the wrong. And when he does, people will think "Ah well THAT'S why she never said why they split up. She was ashamed of her behaviour. No wonder she wanted it kept quiet."

I think you can tell people and keep your dignity "he met someone else" or "he met someone else and wanted to start a family with them", whatever.

I think what you tell your own young children is a little more sensitive. But you sound sensible and caring OP. Why not wait till your mum comes back to get support and ideas there?

Your dignity is not remotely affected by telling people what really happened, that he got his bit on the side pregnant.

There is no reason at all to dress it up.

Balloon is right - he's stalling for time. Don't give it to him.

So he spent his time with you begging you not to tell people as he can't cope, and then went all quiet & out of time when you tried to talk about finances etc? How fab for HIM! He is such a piece of work. Me me me me me me me!! Without a thought for you & the DC!!

Ignore Jane. Your dignity is not at issue. His is. No need to dress it up in any way; that's just playing into his hands. You can say anything; "He was a lying shit, having a long term affair and got her pg so I chucked him out" would work very well.

I think you have been brilliant this weekend. Be proud of yourself for staying so strong and clear-headed.

I do think you need to start telling people now. Ideally, you should both tell your DDs, but if he is a coward about it, I'm afraid it might fall to you. I think the fact they are used to him being away for business trips will probably help them to cope.

Don't worry about being up and down, having lots of energy and then none. It is normal. Five months on, I still feel like that. Don't worry about it.

XXX

He is so self pitying, this level of self absorption is sickening.
Agree with everyone upthread, controlling output of information works in his favour. Without blaring it from rooftops, a quiet measured remark like janelikesjam suggested is enough if you want to reduce drama. You have nothing to be ashamed of but word and speculation gets around.

Tough, dreadful time but you are coping so well. Glad your mum is due home she will be a fierce supporter.

I'd tell anyone and everyone i know.

Sending you lots of strength. What a total shit.

I'm going to apply some logic to this dilemma about telling people.

Here are the reasons for you telling people the truth:

It's important to your own mental health that you are truthful with people, especially your children.

The process of not telling is a lie by omission. Lying to people about what's going on is a direct lie.

Children cope much better when they know the truth. They always sense when they are not being given the whole story and so they fill in the gaps and it adds to their distress. As it looks like they will have a half-sibling in the future, it is better to prepare them early for that arrival.

The children's school(s) need to know so they can provide pastoral support.

You will get far more RL support than you have currently.

It will make it seem far more 'real' once you tell everyone what's going on. This is an important psychological hurdle that moves you on from the 'denial' phase that comes after any shocking loss.

It prevents the possibility of him putting out a different story.

It means you can move on to agree finances and contact with the children.

Here is the reason for not telling the truth:

It protects your husband.

Can I reiterate what I said up thread? my ex cheated on me with OW for around 6 months until I found out, he started the affair when our youngest son was 6 months old. I agreed that he had to tell his parents at it was his responsibility. He told them an absolute bunch of lies, that I had been having an affair, that he met the OW after we had broken up, that he was supporting the children financially (hollow laugh) and they, of course, thought 'oh! my poor boy!'

He got found out, years later. it all came out, but I had to endure my in-laws, who I loved and respected, thinking I had done something to would their son. They always maintained contact with their grandchildren, but I thought their attitude towards me was out of embarrasment at what their son had done, rather than them thinking I was a trollop.

You do not owe him anything, not even your pity.

snapespeare what a piece of work, glad truth came out.

Lasaucisse you haven't put a foot wrong yet, you deserve all the rl support you can get.

You need to "get in first" so that the story cant be rewritten. After my XH left I rang MIL to tell her that it wasnt what I wanted and that I was still hoping that things would be ok. I mentioned in passing about there being excessive contact with OW and she jumped down my throat, oh XH isnt like that, I can assure you thats the last thing he would be doing.....

Roll on a few months and she is having a go at him about his obsession with OW....

So, keep it brief, keep it to the point, but people do need to know, for your own sake and so that you can get support. Whatever happens to him from now on, HE HAS DONE TO HIMSELF.... and he has to live with the consequences of that. His family will support his because they are his family, but they may well support you too...

You are doing really well, you are very strong, as I said before you will have the up days and the down days. Everybody kept telling me the same and it is true, it is very much a rollercoaster of emotions....

The XH was the same, no concern for me, no asking how we are getting on... never asked after his DD between visits, then said that I never told him anything about her.... It is all about THEM..... so dont buy into it.

My XH also said he would keep on paying in the same money as always. Its the guilt speaking. As soon as they move out and realise that they cant afford to do that, they start quoting CSA guidelines.....

Stay strong, you are doing so well xx

sorry I had to cut message above short. wanted to add you are doing really brilliantly

Well done on getting through the weekend!!

I agree with others. Do tell people. If anything else, you'll need their support. Friends and family will be your rock in the tough times.

Just one other point. In the same post, you said you don't hate your Husband but you do hate the OW.
I do think hate is a very destructive emotion and your response to him is very balanced and healthy. However, be careful not to transfer the hate to her.

I'm not saying she's a lovely person who should be your new best friend or anything that insane. But please keep in mind that he was the one who broke his vows to you. She never made you any promises. She clearly is not a decent person if she could know about you and keep in a relationship with him...even after whatever bollocks he has fed her. but he is the wanker that did this to you.

Keep moving on up xx