Found myself in a terrible situation, need advice

[Lasaucisse1978]

I started this in lone parents and have just moved it on other posters' advice to here. I have pasted what I originally wrote below but now the initial shock has worn off I really don't know what to do. Is it a totally stupid thing to even consider seeing if we can get through this with counselling? Am I a mug for even thinking it? He is at home now and life seems so normal. The DCs are so happy to have him here and I am feeling guilty for even thinking of breaking up the family even though I have done nothing wrong. Anyone else got any experience?......

I married my partner of almost eight years two months ago, after two children and being engaged for five years.

Three days ago I snooped on his mobile phone, something I have never done before as I have always believed in trust and privacy. But something, whether it was intuition or sixth sense made me check and I thought it would just give me piece of mind. Instead what I uncovered was truly awful and now I am in a horrible predicament and struggling to decide what to do.

I discovered that not only was he having an affair, she is three months pregnant with his child. Ironically it was on our two month anniversary I discovered this and means he was seeing her just before we got married.

I was so shocked I just logged off instantly and then had to act all normal before he went to work. I was in bits all day and as soon as he got home and went to change I checked again. Unfortunately he had deleted everything. Later that night when I couldn't sleep I got up to check again and there were a whole load more text messages where it gets even worse. Not only is having an affair it has been going on for two years! On top of that he is giving her money for a flat, talks of me as a mistake, only staying with me for the sake of the kids, has left twice and gone back etc etc. It's all very me me me and how he has been distraught about it all. You get the gist.

I gleaned from all these messages which I took the liberty of photographing with my phone for proof that he only broke it off with her a few days before the wedding and of course she then revealed the pregnancy and now it is all back on they are "rekindling" and "in Love" his words not mine.

I have been checking his phone each night (he doesn't realise I know the password) when he is asleep and I can't sleep. I have found so many more incriminating messages written in the last couple of days and the worst of it was last night I discovered quite by accident that he is not only seeing this woman but he was lining up a far more casual meeting with another woman for two week's time who he has clearly slept with before!!! So not only is he cheating on me he is cheating on her. There is a small amount of satisfaction in that for me as she knows about me and the children and doesn't give two hoots but he is clearly being awful to her too.

I was distraught the first few days, have been physically sick, unable to eat and generally in pieces. I married him because I loved him and genuinely wanted to spend my life with him. He clearly is a duplicitous b*tard who I hope rots in hell. Now I am really really angry. I have an appointment with a family lawyer next week and have held off confronting him until I gather even more evidence and see the solicitor.

I am really really worried though as although he has never deprived me of money he has always been really cagey about it. He is already divorced and has a daughter who he has had to fight through courts to see. I am now wondering if the story about his ex-wife is all lies now too. A lot of the debts are in my name unfortunately and he has never bothered to get his statements sent her, they always go to his mum's house and I think he has shredded a lot of them. Naive you might say as when I entered the relationship I had a good job, very little debt but I trusted him implicitly, we had two children together, we agreed I would stay home to raised them and of course we were engaged to be married.

I am really worried he will leave us in the lurch I hope not but I just don't know. I know I am torturing myself with all of this and until I confront him and see a solicitor it is all supposition but does anyone have similar experience????

I just can't believe the level of his deceit. I never saw this coming not in a million years and I can't believe the man I stood in front of all our friends and family and said vows with was carrying on like this behind my back. I am heartbroken but mostly I feel so sorry for our children. Through no fault of their own they are now going to be the product of a broken family and weekend father.

It's all so depressing. Just want some moral support

I wholeheartedly agree with skyblue OP, it's appalling to tell them and then leave - it's a heartbreaking scene for them to endure. Bear in mind that pre-school children will be pretty baffled by the whole thing and will understand more about living together/apart than "separating". If you tell the girls yourself you can tell them in an age-appropriate way and be there to give them the reassurance they need, which he simply can't do.

Put them first, and tell them yourself.

A very good tip I have read on here is to do it in a fairly understated way. Tell about 15/20 minutes before something else is going to happen - a TV programme, an outing - anything distracting. Tell them that mummy and daddy are going to live apart, but they will still see daddy regularly and that you both still love them very much. Deal with any questions they have and then say "Shall we watch (whatever on TV) now/go out now/make a cake now..."

Just read the whole thread - what a fucking shit! All I can say is as soon as you know the finances are secure, get your message out first to as many people as possible.

He is a master manipulator and you do not want all your friends, relations, in-laws believing that you were the unreasonable one or whatever pile of crap he spins to them. He made his bed, now he can lie in it.

I'd also be inclined to e-mail the OW explaining that you have found out and you want to correct her on some inaccuracies he has told her eg not being in hospital but actually being on holiday in Rome, him begging you to take him back etc. Leave it at that - yes, she's a bitch for shagging a married man but he has told her a complete load of lies so she no doubt thought the situation was very different to the reality.

I heard something on the radio today that made me think of you OP. A woman was saying that her parents separated when she was a small child because the father/husband was leaving for the OW. The mother told her small daughter that daddy had 'kissed another lady' and that he had decided to live with her. She went on to explain that both mummy and daddy still loved her very much.

I'm not entirely sure that the explanation should be that simple (eg my mother told me the facts of life in a similar way ie not explaining in enough detail, which I found very confusing for a while) - perhaps 'daddy kissed another lady' might be too simplistic but you get the drift..

A good example I heard was 'Daddy got too close to another woman'...

Goodness I have just read your whole thread and wanted to add my hand for support and let you know you will get through this.

Jesus, what a cock

You are amazing OP, how do you stay so restrained?

Las, how are you?

Haven't posted for a while as I have been ultra busy with work and trying to build up my income. Things have been okay. He as at least still supporting me financially but the last couple of days I have felt really down again like it is really hitting home what he has done.

I have told the DDs to certain degree about having two homes and mummy and daddy still love them and they will see us both as much as possible. My eldest kind of got it saying "so i'll spend Monday to Friday with you Mummy and then the weekends with Daddy." Then they both questioned me repeatedly about Daddy's new home and what it would be like and when would they find out. So they sort of understand and it all came about it quite an organic way, not a situation where I sat them down and tried to explain. So that was better as he certainly didn't want to say anything and absolved himself of all responsibility on that front. NO surprise there.

But I guess I have been thinking too much about stuff again and getting depressed. I know I will never get the truth or an honest answer from him but I keep asking myself why, why he did what he did and what on earth did I do to deserve it. To use an analogy I feel like he took my heart threw it into a blender, hit high speed then poured the contents out for the dogs, laughing all the while he did it.

Also tonight, his mum phoned, I was call screening so didn't answer but from her message it became apparent she still doesn't know. Neither do a couple of close friends he swore to me he was going to tell. I feel like I am now stuck in a really difficult position, as if it could more difficult than the current position, about what to do. I don't want to lie to them, don't see why I should but then part of me thinks it is down to him to tell them as they were his friends, his mum. I texted him to say she had called, he replied of course she doesn't know this may be her last Christmas with her partner (he is 84, she is 79) both relatively hearty. I feel it is just another excuse to protect himself rather than anyone else. I wanted to text back something like you fucking pathetic prick but stopped myself and came on here instead.

As if that weren't enough it gets more complicated because since this came out and a number of guys on the stag know I know I have had him have a go at me not to breach his confidence about what he said about certain things on the stag. From what I understand there are messages flying all over the place and they are all shitting themselves I know something. I don't know anything, I really don't but I get the impression they all think I do. Most of them are married and I think they are all panicking because I think a lot more went on on my H's stag than any let on. ANyway, I am being given shit for that too as if what he has done isn't enough.

Oh and apparently it is my fault because I didn't flatter him enough or give him enough attention and if I hadn't checked his texts I never would have known and we could have carried on as before - I get the impression he is suggesting it is my fault we are breaking up because I looked! Stunning!

Anyway, suffice to say I am feeling pretty low now. If it wasn't for the DDs I am not sure I would be holding it together. As I said he is supporting me financially for now but it is bare minimum stuff. Anything extra like Xmas presents for kids, extra curricular activities like swimming and gymnastics, contingencies, I am having to find all that myself and going from earning very little to trying to earn a lot in a few weeks with all this going on as well is really fucking hard. I would like to sit down do nothing and get drunk right now but as it happens I have to go and do work. I expect he is busy telling her he has left me and they can be happy together now.

Sorry don't mean to sound bitter just incredibly down tonight.

You poor thing... feel very sorry for you :(

I just don't understand why you're holding back from telling people. You need to get the truth of the situation out there, you are closing off potential avenues of help from people who know the extent of his twuntness. Please consider telling people you know, incl his parents, the truth. Surely you know that hell will freeze over before he'll speak the truth? He is in no way to be trusted or believed OP. I also think you're in too much text contact with him. There should be nothing to speak about only the kids.... protect yourself here.

It's a rotten situation for you....

They think you know about something that happened on the stag do?
Marvellous - that might just be the ace up your sleeve, even if you know nothing. Your H is going to have to treat you a lot more carefullyif he doesn't want all his mates at his throat.

Aw, honey. I feel for you. Your mantra is 'this too will pass' because it will and you'll recover your equilibrium sooner than you think.

He may have 'liar' printed through his bones like a stick of rock but that's no reason why you should tell porkies or cover up for him in any way.

Be honest with anyone who asks what's amiss or what's happening but as for his partners in crime stag night comrades, keep schtum and give them knowing looks - head slightly back, eyes slightly narrowed, smile like the Mona Lisa, and let them shit themselves wondering what you know.

Have you had any opportunity to consult a solicitor?

Really feel for you op

He's a twat of the first order isn't he

Hug and for you, Saucisse. I don't think you need to protect him any more. Don't go out of your way to tell people what has happened, but don't cover for him, let alone with your children's grandparents. And make him sweat about the stag!!! Bastard

You poor thing what a shit he is. Agree, you shouldn't cover for him any more. The thing about his mum's partner is another excuse for him to stay in his comfortable little cloud, there'll be another after Xmas. If you talk to his mum - and you don't have to - do feel free to tell her if she still doesn't know. In my experience, people in their 70s and 80s are tough and don't need protection, don't want protection, and would probably feel rather insulted by it.

I do see that it is his job to tell them, but they are your children's gps and if he is too cowardly to do it, then you don't need to collude with him. They may be really helpful to you.

I like Izzy's knowing look. That could really freak out a lot of people!

I agree, tell people, if they ask, especially your DC's granny.

As far as wondering why he has done this to you, it sounds like your H is incapable of having any empathy whatsoever with people on a normal basis. You and everyone else are just bit players in the drama that is his life. He sounds like he can be loving and charming when it suits, but deep down he doesn't care. He hasn't done this to you - you probably didn't even enter his head when he was shagging around - in his mind you and the kids are collateral damage. Sorry. I don't know if it helps for you to realise that it is nothing you have done, nothing you could have done to prevent it.

I recognise these traits in my Dad, who left when we were young, and tbh, things were very tough growing up, not much money, very stressed Mum trying to hold it together for 5 kids etc, but now looking back, I thank my lucky stars he wasn't in our lives. What limited contact he did have with us was emotionally manipulative and wreaked havoc.

Try googling narcissistic personality.

I agree, there is too much text contact and discussion for it to be healthy for you.

Hi Lasaucisse I've been wondering how things were going for you.
You've conducted yourself so very admirably throughout this - no wonder you are feeling down, as you've just discovered your H has been committing betrayal after betrayal and living a double life. It's all completely pointless - how can anyone seriously conduct their life like this?

You are seeing the real him now - and it sounds like he is still desperate to shield his family and friends from the real him. He's deceiving them just like he deceived you - the only difference is YOU see HIM now. What on earth is the point of living your life in such a way that you have to conceal yourself from your entire world?? He is indeed a very twisted narcissist.

You've behaved with so much more dignity that I would have & for so long too. How dare he ask you to be complicit in keeping 'stag' secrets from his friends wives. You owe him nothing. Can you not keep communications to text/email now - just dealing with kids/finances etc, so you aren't subject to his continuous attempts to manipulate you?

I agree with the others - don't keep his secrets esp from your DC's family. Surely it's better out now that at Xmas? It's going to be a different enough Xmas for your DC anyway - will he ask the children to lie to their GP about the situation at home? I think you know enough about him now not to believe an actual word that he utters - he is one seriously fucked up person. Perhaps you will never know Why?

It's got to be very normal and natural to feel down about this - hopefully not all the time though. Do you have RL support?

{{hugs}}

what a complete twat. him not you!!!

we are all here to support you. rant and rave and vent to your hearts content.

we are here.

You're probably in shock and can barely believe it yourself, which is why you can't say it. That'll change. Try not to talk to him, he's weaving his web - last year his mother is with her partner, my eye. This is a horrible situation and it doesn't come with a manual eh? except that you have a lot of integrity and strength. YOu may not feel it now but this has nothing at all to do with you, it is all him. ONe sick person.

I'm in favour of the direct eye-contact 'look' myself. The knowing look. They'll be shitting themselves. xx

Thank you for updating lasauissise. He really is treating you very badly. Have you been to a solicitor yet? This is very important, as it does mark the beginning of moving on from him and ensuring your dc are financially catered for. How horrible he is just paying the bare minimum. Is he having access and what does he do with them?

Ref his mum, I really think you have to tell her. She deserves to know. He wants it a secret as she will not be happy with him, and when you tell her about ow and your lack of funds, she will be angry, but not at you or her gc. You have to tell her now as I assume she wants to see you at Christmas? By not telling her you are enabling his deceit, iykwim. You could call her back, say he promised he would tell but hasn't, the gc would like to see her, but xxx- then she can call you back and confirm a visit at the weekend just you and her if she likes. Do not tell him you have done this. He is a coward by not. Same approach for his friends.

When is your mum due back? I expect you can't wait. And stag night stuff, maintain a dignified stance and don't keep secrets for him. Look how hurt you have been through secret keeping. He cannot ask anything of you like this.

Please try not to text or contact him unless it's ref the dc, as he will sense a weakness and use it against you, I think.

Well done for work though and general coping, I think you are pretty amazing from what you write, again, he is not fit to lick your boots.

Jeez! What a spineless wankstain on a man. So so sorry x

I don't think you should continue to cover for him. It is enabling him to avoid the reality of the situation. It is helping no-one but only preserving his self-image. Don't be guilt-tripped about Christmas. Why would anyone want a pretend Christmas?

I agree. Tell his mum and tell her the truth before he tells her a load of rubbish.

He will only be concerned about himself from now on, certainly not about you and maybe about the kids.

You need to protect yourself and your children and your feelings. This is about you from now on , not about him.

One day at a time is all you can do.

OP, Dont hide away the truth like you should be ashamed, you shouldnt be, you took a stand against a waste of flesh, be open, let your version of events be known (which are probably closer to the truth than his will ever get), what goes around, comes around and Karma will get the steaming pile of human excrement.

I have a very close friend whose DH treated her terribly and then left her. She behaved with a lot of dignity and never criticised him to other people. In response he made up a lot of untruths about her and made it sound as if his affair with OW was my friend's "fault". I strongly suggest that you start behaving a little less well and tell your side of the story now to people that matter (eg MIL and close friends) before the bastard has the chance to spin the whole thing to suit himself.

Yes what Conan says - I agree you may need to get in there a bit more aggressively - nice people can be stitched up being protective and sensitive to everyone's needs (sad but true).

Is there a combination of Being Brutal, Honest and Dignified? I think there is and its worth enacting, even if there are times when you feel less emotionally strong, you can always return to this place.

You sound possibly embroiled with your ex and his friends and his family* and its muddying the waters, long text conversations etc. Being assertive, only communicating when and what you want to, having clarity, getting good legal advice, making simple decisions and time on your own will help no end... good luck with this important stage of getting your life together.

*I mean whats to say? He went off, had an affair, started a new family, all without your knowledge. End.of.conversation. It would be a weird bunch of people who would expect you to hang round for a nano-second.