Found myself in a terrible situation, need advice

[Lasaucisse1978]

I started this in lone parents and have just moved it on other posters' advice to here. I have pasted what I originally wrote below but now the initial shock has worn off I really don't know what to do. Is it a totally stupid thing to even consider seeing if we can get through this with counselling? Am I a mug for even thinking it? He is at home now and life seems so normal. The DCs are so happy to have him here and I am feeling guilty for even thinking of breaking up the family even though I have done nothing wrong. Anyone else got any experience?......

I married my partner of almost eight years two months ago, after two children and being engaged for five years.

Three days ago I snooped on his mobile phone, something I have never done before as I have always believed in trust and privacy. But something, whether it was intuition or sixth sense made me check and I thought it would just give me piece of mind. Instead what I uncovered was truly awful and now I am in a horrible predicament and struggling to decide what to do.

I discovered that not only was he having an affair, she is three months pregnant with his child. Ironically it was on our two month anniversary I discovered this and means he was seeing her just before we got married.

I was so shocked I just logged off instantly and then had to act all normal before he went to work. I was in bits all day and as soon as he got home and went to change I checked again. Unfortunately he had deleted everything. Later that night when I couldn't sleep I got up to check again and there were a whole load more text messages where it gets even worse. Not only is having an affair it has been going on for two years! On top of that he is giving her money for a flat, talks of me as a mistake, only staying with me for the sake of the kids, has left twice and gone back etc etc. It's all very me me me and how he has been distraught about it all. You get the gist.

I gleaned from all these messages which I took the liberty of photographing with my phone for proof that he only broke it off with her a few days before the wedding and of course she then revealed the pregnancy and now it is all back on they are "rekindling" and "in Love" his words not mine.

I have been checking his phone each night (he doesn't realise I know the password) when he is asleep and I can't sleep. I have found so many more incriminating messages written in the last couple of days and the worst of it was last night I discovered quite by accident that he is not only seeing this woman but he was lining up a far more casual meeting with another woman for two week's time who he has clearly slept with before!!! So not only is he cheating on me he is cheating on her. There is a small amount of satisfaction in that for me as she knows about me and the children and doesn't give two hoots but he is clearly being awful to her too.

I was distraught the first few days, have been physically sick, unable to eat and generally in pieces. I married him because I loved him and genuinely wanted to spend my life with him. He clearly is a duplicitous b*tard who I hope rots in hell. Now I am really really angry. I have an appointment with a family lawyer next week and have held off confronting him until I gather even more evidence and see the solicitor.

I am really really worried though as although he has never deprived me of money he has always been really cagey about it. He is already divorced and has a daughter who he has had to fight through courts to see. I am now wondering if the story about his ex-wife is all lies now too. A lot of the debts are in my name unfortunately and he has never bothered to get his statements sent her, they always go to his mum's house and I think he has shredded a lot of them. Naive you might say as when I entered the relationship I had a good job, very little debt but I trusted him implicitly, we had two children together, we agreed I would stay home to raised them and of course we were engaged to be married.

I am really worried he will leave us in the lurch I hope not but I just don't know. I know I am torturing myself with all of this and until I confront him and see a solicitor it is all supposition but does anyone have similar experience????

I just can't believe the level of his deceit. I never saw this coming not in a million years and I can't believe the man I stood in front of all our friends and family and said vows with was carrying on like this behind my back. I am heartbroken but mostly I feel so sorry for our children. Through no fault of their own they are now going to be the product of a broken family and weekend father.

It's all so depressing. Just want some moral support

Wow! What a piece of work.

He can't cope so don't tell anyone?
You've had the shock of your life yet your working on your CV & getting work.
Frankly he's not fit to lick your boots.

I hope your course goes well and vintage warrior is right, he is not fit to lick your boots.

What a bizarre text to send you. And if you can ignore them, so much the better. As for not telling anyone- he really is selfish! Of course you have to tell people, you and your dc need extra support and by keeping his secrets you are behaving as though you are ashamed and want him back.

Plus its not a secret is it? People knew at your wedding, so I expect more know than you think.

Very hurtful not to have been told, but at least you know now. Keep away from them, they are no friends of yours, but I don't think you need to be advised of that. Have you any family coming or friends sat or sun, to keep you company? And to make sure he leaves when you get back on sat.

Oh, please tell as many people as you can. Not to miff him, but because it is much better for you the more people who know. It only benefits him if it's kept secret, and he doesn't need any more advantages. You need the luxury of being ale to speak freely and truthfully to whoever you damn well please.

Agree with being cautious in any dealings.

At best, a "fantasist"

At worst, a manipulative and nasty/dishonest/creepy man.

Sometimes the two go together, agree with Hopespring to be very wary. You may need even to physically distance yourself from this man for physical and emotional safety.

Either way, I would suggest you find your own path through this and to go for that.

Be prepared to watch a man spectacularly fall apart.

That is what tends to happen when men like this have their lies exposed and challenged...and they turn out to be gutless, spineless wimps who can't deal with the reality of what they created.

Be strong and stay focused on what is important to you and your kids...not him

Oh yes, sometime soon there will be a "breakdown".He will stop looking after himself, look a little unkempt, start drinking too much "to numb the pain", his clothes will be wrinkled, there will be a whiff of the hangdog around him, he will be "depressed"

Steel yourself...because it will simply be another act in the stageplay of him

Agree with the ones above saying watch out for changes. He'll be trying to manipulate you. Keep strong chick.

It's totally stunning isn't it?

It is truly pathetic and very, very predictable...

"That is what tends to happen when men like this have their lies exposed and challenged...and they turn out to be gutless, spineless wimps who can't deal with the reality of what they created."

Scary - but so good to be aware how this script can develop .... forewarned / forearmed and all that ...

Want to say first how strong you are by doing this and how awful it most be.

He is a complete an utter bastard, i would use other names but i think that is very suiting!

Men like him always end up with wonderful women(yourself) and try and worm there way out of it.

The OW well, she has lots to look forward too , He is deluded and his excuses are diabolical!! She has fallen for his lies, but its HER fault for getting with a married man. Vile!!!

Your ex husband will have a huge shock, when you move on with your life.

It takes time to heal, i hope you and DC are okay.

I think he is crapping himself, because he envisaged himself staying with you and the kids, and putting OW up in a handy flat without any of the responsibility.

Now he has no excuse not to move in with her full-time. I bet the shine will soon wear off for both of them.

Omg what a shocking situation and through your messages I am truly amazed at your strength and level headedness. I just don't know where to start and really don't think I need to as you have had great advice and quite clearly you are a strong sensible woman. Iiwm and it isn't both women would get a an email/text whatever with a brief overview of the last 2 years, leaving them both in no doubt what a lying shit he is. This would be to specifically open the eyes and cause pain to the one expecting his child. She'd also hear that her demand for £1000 per month comes way down the lust after he has paid full maintenance to you. I'd love to hear his side of why he's left, I bet it involves him leaving you and not being able to live without her! As for those that knew, well yes it's crap but I would cut them some slack as they wouldn't want to have got involved and what would have been the fallout had one of them told you. I'm sure they all thought he was a twat and will no doubt offer your support. As for his mother, I'd keep a dignified silence until you need to then I'd let her know exactly what he is. Sounds like he wouldn't want that to happen. Obviously the above is from a angry vindictive point if view (and he's not even my bloody husband) :-) but please continue to look after yourself and Dcs. Get help and support where possible and know 6 months/years from now you will be in a totally different place and will look back at this as a time you got through. I'm sure I'm going to think about you all day and hope your ok when you see him. Take care x

He'll be there with OW now, of course, having told her that he has finally done it, couldn't take not being with her anymore, and has finally left you to be with her.

And, whilst telling her that, he's sending you bullshit texts about how you are the only one for him. He's bullshitting everyone really including himself.

It seems that nutjobs like him have to feel like they are in demand by all these women. He will have lined up the date with the old flame because things will now be getting too boring with OW now that she's pg and expecting certain things from him. The thrill of the chase and excitement of forbidden sex will have waned and he will want someone new to need him, other than having a responsibity to them.

That's my take on it anyway.

Keep up your resolve OP and don't believe anything he says.

Also I would tell him that you don't want to get anymore texts from him unless it's about your dds or arrangements that need to be made.

He'll be so pissed off if he thinks you feel that you can give him up.

It takes me ages to write a message and I cross-posted with you Damash.
Funny how we were thinking along the same lines, at the same time!

The support you all give me on here is phenomenal. He is due here in less than two hours and my heart is honestly in my mouths. So much of what everyone says seems to have got his measure. He is spineless and cowardly. I am not sure he is suicidal because he certainly wasn't while I didn't know, and if he was he was the best actor in the world and deserves an Oscar. He actually hasn't told me where he is right now, suffice to say it wasn't far but for all I know he could be shacked up with her whispering sweet nothings.

I did stupidly allow myself to get into a small text slanging match with him yesterday when he said he'd be here at 9am and then added he didn't know whether he'd cope until he got here. Of course I went a bit mad at that and said if was struggling and couldn't cope then I wouldn't be leaving the DDs alone with him. He of course got all uptight and hurt that I would say such a thing but I think I am perfectly within my rights. He is the one who told me he is suicidal who can't cope, struggling blah blah blah. There is a good chance it is bullshit and he is spinning yet another line but at the same time as a mother I will do anything to protect my children including not seeing their dad if I think he is mentally unhinged. Anyway, bluffing at his own game and suddenly he was fine to look after them. I also reminded him again that it was his mess, his and his alone that he had caused and I was here picking up the pieces of what he'd done trying to give them a normal life. He backed off then and apologised, point taken. But part of me did get worried, thinking what if he really is suicidal and decides to stick a hose to the car with him and the DDs in it? It sounds like some kid of mad soap plot but then this whole fiasco sounds like that anyway.

Also, and this really pisses me off, he has not once asked how the children are coping or how I am coping. He has not said how we might tell them, how we might deal with it for their sakes. He is more concerned about who knows and what they think of him. He caused all this mess and admittedly I did make him leave but there has been not one text asking how we all our. He is wallowing in his own self-pity somewhere and hasn't given us any thought at all - much like he was doing when he was with her.

Actually I probably didn't help the situation when he asked me who I had told and I said not many people "because it is humiliating telling people your husband of two months as been banging some other woman and got her pregnant" He got quite offended at the way I referred to her again. Childish but there was a small part of me that was pleased I pissed him off although I know I shouldn't engage and am trying to keep the texts purely to children and practical matters.

As for his mother he doesn't want me to tell her at the moment "until he feels stronger" Yes really he said that!! I won't go out of my way but I am not going to lie if she asks. Why should I hide his shame? I do appreciate many of those people who knew would have been in a difficult position but they were mostly his friends rather than mine anyway so I am unlikely to see any of them again. Also they all work in a city environment where cheating on your wife/girlfriend seems to be normal and even encouraged.

Funnily enough one of his friends who isn't part of that group phoned last night as he was supposed to be coming to stay. He is actually a lovely genuine ma who is a bit fuddy duddy for his age, a confirmed bachelor but really genuinely cares. He has always had a soft spot for me. Don't panic there is nothing dodgy and it isn't like that but I know he would understand if I told him and it would probably destroy his and my husband's friendship of 30 years. Anyway, I didn't I saw his number on the phone and ignored it because I just don't know what to say.

And yes, part of me would love to email the OW and tell her exactly what has been going on, how many lives she has ruined and what an utter piece of scum I really think she is. I am sorely tempted but I won't because a) she isn't worth my effort and b) I actually don't want to rock the boat too much because I don't want him to suddenly make things difficult financially - once I am in a better position with that I might revise my opinion...

Anyway, all this fighting talk helps but I am still nervous as hell and unable to eat once more. This heartbreak diet is extreme, have lost so much weight it is ridiculous but at the end of the day I would still rather be a stone heavier and have a husband who loves me and doesn't screw around.

xx

I have read the whole thread and just want to say how much I admire your strength and determination. Your DCs are very fortunate to have a mum like you.

He's not really suicidal because if he was, he wouldn't a tell you for fear of being stopped. it's what he does to try to get his way...lie and pull emotional strings.

You sound like you had the measure of that!!!!

And he is, in the end, only truly interested in himself, not the kids. Really, really sad.

Don't bother with the OW, she will work it out for herself. One way or another ;-)

OP can you have someone there with you when he comes to collect the children? Im in a bit of mess myself so might not be giving the best advice but if he sees you there with a close friend it might have the effect of 1. making him realise that he cannot engage you in conversation and 2. panic when he realises that you have told someone outside of your family!!

what an idiot he is - the repercussions of what he has done will be massive and dickhead that he is he cant see that most of them will be for him. He has enjoyed a life of lies, smoke and mirrors and making most around him believe that he is a genuine good guy - really what can he say when word of this gets out????

I applaud you - he will kick himself the rest of his days when he realises he let someone of your calibre go!! sending you a massive hug

Good morning Lasaucisse you are right he does have a nerve talking about updating his mother "when he feels stronger".
So far he has driven a juggernaut through your life and amidst all the uproar his first thought is for himself.

You are doing very well but please look after yourself too, if you can't face a sit down meal how about comfort snacks, bit of soup or tiny bit of pasta, even just soggy weetabix... Ice cream or anything that slips down easily.

Take care, hope the course goes well.

Just read your thread and wanted to wish you luck for today. You are dealing with a nightmare situation and doing it brilliantly so far. Be kind to yourself and do whatever you need to do to get through these early days with your dignity intact. X

I have read your words with an open jaw OP. how fucking dare he.

You are absolutely amazing, I hope you know that and your DDs are absolutely blessed to have you as a mum.

From my experience, tell his family. They will understandably be shocked, but I think it is better coming from you. My DCs dad didn't tell them until I had a post (his) affair fling and then it was all my fault. the truth does come out eventually, but I would tell select people in as matter-of-fact way as possible. 12 years on I'm on reasonable terms with the ex and I absolutely adore his parents. My DCs are (generally) flourishing and we are an amazing family. You will be better than 'fine'. You will be amazing, you have been so very strong and holding it together for your DDs, continue to look after yourself and DDs and get through this terrible fucking time. I hope today goes as well as can be expected.

I'd go with your gut iiwy re him looking after the kids. Don't worry about looking petty - who cares what he thinks anyway. Get somebody else in to look after them. Does he still have a key?

He's full of how he feels here and, as you say, has so far not given a thought to anybody else. I say 'so far' but he never has, has he? That is not somebody I would want looking after my kids, I don't care who he is. Particularly with the heinous thing he has done, the level of deception involved: just takes your breath away.

Keep going, you are doing so well xx

I do t know if this link will work, I found it recently

www.google.co.uk/search?q=husband+drinking+after+affair&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-gb&client=safari

Be careful on fixating about what a bitch the OW is. Of course she is, but it was your H who cheated on you and strung you along, not her.

Not sure why telling his Mum is such a big issue for him? I suppose it depends on your relationship with her as to whether it is appropriate for you to make contact with her to tell her. I know my Mum would be a bit at being told of a split by the spouse of any of her children. However if your H is saying he is suicidal, then she probably needs to know. His mum would probably also be reassured if she was told that you will still ensure she has a relationship with her GC.

I'm no expert on STI's but surely there may be a risk to an unborn baby if you are PG with an STI?

Some might even go far as to say it would be your civic duty to forward the details of woman No3 to woman No2 so that she can (a) double-check that she has indeed been cheated on herself and (b) get herself checked out to make sure there is no risk to her child.

Of course, any element of satisfaction you might get out of such an action would be entirely co-incidental.