Found myself in a terrible situation, need advice

[Lasaucisse1978]

I started this in lone parents and have just moved it on other posters' advice to here. I have pasted what I originally wrote below but now the initial shock has worn off I really don't know what to do. Is it a totally stupid thing to even consider seeing if we can get through this with counselling? Am I a mug for even thinking it? He is at home now and life seems so normal. The DCs are so happy to have him here and I am feeling guilty for even thinking of breaking up the family even though I have done nothing wrong. Anyone else got any experience?......

I married my partner of almost eight years two months ago, after two children and being engaged for five years.

Three days ago I snooped on his mobile phone, something I have never done before as I have always believed in trust and privacy. But something, whether it was intuition or sixth sense made me check and I thought it would just give me piece of mind. Instead what I uncovered was truly awful and now I am in a horrible predicament and struggling to decide what to do.

I discovered that not only was he having an affair, she is three months pregnant with his child. Ironically it was on our two month anniversary I discovered this and means he was seeing her just before we got married.

I was so shocked I just logged off instantly and then had to act all normal before he went to work. I was in bits all day and as soon as he got home and went to change I checked again. Unfortunately he had deleted everything. Later that night when I couldn't sleep I got up to check again and there were a whole load more text messages where it gets even worse. Not only is having an affair it has been going on for two years! On top of that he is giving her money for a flat, talks of me as a mistake, only staying with me for the sake of the kids, has left twice and gone back etc etc. It's all very me me me and how he has been distraught about it all. You get the gist.

I gleaned from all these messages which I took the liberty of photographing with my phone for proof that he only broke it off with her a few days before the wedding and of course she then revealed the pregnancy and now it is all back on they are "rekindling" and "in Love" his words not mine.

I have been checking his phone each night (he doesn't realise I know the password) when he is asleep and I can't sleep. I have found so many more incriminating messages written in the last couple of days and the worst of it was last night I discovered quite by accident that he is not only seeing this woman but he was lining up a far more casual meeting with another woman for two week's time who he has clearly slept with before!!! So not only is he cheating on me he is cheating on her. There is a small amount of satisfaction in that for me as she knows about me and the children and doesn't give two hoots but he is clearly being awful to her too.

I was distraught the first few days, have been physically sick, unable to eat and generally in pieces. I married him because I loved him and genuinely wanted to spend my life with him. He clearly is a duplicitous b*tard who I hope rots in hell. Now I am really really angry. I have an appointment with a family lawyer next week and have held off confronting him until I gather even more evidence and see the solicitor.

I am really really worried though as although he has never deprived me of money he has always been really cagey about it. He is already divorced and has a daughter who he has had to fight through courts to see. I am now wondering if the story about his ex-wife is all lies now too. A lot of the debts are in my name unfortunately and he has never bothered to get his statements sent her, they always go to his mum's house and I think he has shredded a lot of them. Naive you might say as when I entered the relationship I had a good job, very little debt but I trusted him implicitly, we had two children together, we agreed I would stay home to raised them and of course we were engaged to be married.

I am really worried he will leave us in the lurch I hope not but I just don't know. I know I am torturing myself with all of this and until I confront him and see a solicitor it is all supposition but does anyone have similar experience????

I just can't believe the level of his deceit. I never saw this coming not in a million years and I can't believe the man I stood in front of all our friends and family and said vows with was carrying on like this behind my back. I am heartbroken but mostly I feel so sorry for our children. Through no fault of their own they are now going to be the product of a broken family and weekend father.

It's all so depressing. Just want some moral support

What a bastard.. Hand holding is all I can offer but we are all here for you for those moments in RL when you don't feel you can phone a friend.

I can help you with the financial side. I have vast experience in that area. If you PM me I will go through it with you.

As an aside I think you need to remain very calm and collected and gather as much information as you possibly can before you declare anything. In fact I would be tempted to not say anything to him until the divorce application is filed. By which time you will know everything that you are entitled to.

bless you.have seen too many threads like this now, its just awful.please don't think you can come back from this.there are some people who think they can have it all - spouse, children, but happily screw around without conscience forever.I really think your husband is one of these and always will be.
please do not ever feel guilty to your children, he did this to them, and one day he will unfortunately probably let them down further with his lies. his ability to lie seems pathological, but that's no excuse! agree with all the others on here, father as much evidence as possible then get as much as you can out of him.I am not normally a leave the Bastard poster, but here, I am saying it with bells on.and a big hand hold x c

OP: I am so sorry you are going through this. Perhaps you should also copy any emails and documents on a memory stick or some sort of online storage just in case OH sabotages the computer.

Be careful that you dont open any texts that he hasn't opened.
Most mobiles have a different logo for read , and unread texts.
You dont want to get busted , and have him change the password.
Keep gathering info , you really need his P60/payslips as this is only going to go one way and you dont want to be financially destroyed by this idiot.
You are so much better than him
Oh, clear your MN surfing history if on laptop . Just in case.

yes, and I second what financialwizard said - it's really important that you don't give him any advance warning of what's about to hit him as he will be hiding funds left right and centre if he suspects you are about to kick him out. In fact if you can access any money and put it in an account of your own then I would do, asap.

A word of warning for other women reading this thread... Do not marry or have children with a man who is so babyish he has post sent to his mother's house.

God how awful. Poor you.

I am sure the others are right in that you shouldn't contact the OW but I would be SO tempted to send her a friendly email along the lines of "Hi this is xx's wife, just to let you know I know all about you and the other one - yes! there's another one. I think I ought to reassure you in case you are worried that xx is not in the least bit suicidal, he was driving earlier this evening, has not been committed, and has plenty of money; enough to take us on a romantic holiday to Rome. Well, best of luck love, you'll need it! I'll be in touch - or rather my solicitor will."

But the others are right, I guess schtum does it.

About accessing money and putting it into your own a/c. From my memory of my divorce, don't you have declare all your accounts and how much savings you have? I actually siphoned money into my mum's account to get around this.

You have excellent advice here. just want to send you hugs and to say that you are not alone. MN is always here!!

Don't waste time getting evidence of his dealings with the other women - infidelity is irrelevant in divorce proceedings, unless he is living with her and she has lots of assets. Gather as much financial evidence as you can but be aware that there has been a recent case that no longer allows you to rely on evidence you got by underhand means.

You will both have to disclose to court all your accounts etc. It is very easy to spot if someone is siphoning money out and you will have to explain sums of money in and out, so don't play that game.

You are married and have young children, so I think your position is pretty secure.

Sorry you have to go through with this. There are a lot of absolute shits out there.

Just think how amazingly satisfying it will be when he is presented with not only the fact that you know all his sordid secrets, but have also already taken steps to divorce the lying sack of shit! I think I would find that far more therapeutic than a text to the OW at this point.

I was also thinking that if he was already going to give this woman money for a flat and they had planned this baby, the moment he gets wind he is likely to duck and cover, shack up with this woman and leave you high and dry. Who's to say that this wasn't going to happen once the new baby was born anyway. I can't imagine that the OW will settle for half assed excuses why he hasn't left you yet at that point. At least this way, you are dictating the shots.

There really is NO going back, don't kid yourself on this front or you will make your situation very precarious. Don't give him time to react, get what you can now. You'll have plenty of time once the dust settles to work on having an amicable relationship for the sake of the children.

Go careful and best of luck on the info gathering.

What a total shit! Good luck with what is to come op

I'm impressed at how you have kept so 'calm' through this. Perhaps fake eg a viral illness or something to cover your change in mood? You don't want him to cotton on. I am very concerned that the debts are in your name - as everyone is saying, do all the groundwork, however long it takes, before you show your hand when everything is complete. He thinks he's getting away with this, and has for so long that he has become blase - use that to your advantage ie he doesn't suspect so you can beaver away on the quiet, finding out everything you need to. Rigidly cover all your tracks. Be very careful who you confide in, you don't want it to leak out. Take up financialwizard's offer.

I am so sorry you are facing this. You can never go back. you are already grieving the loss - of your future, your hope, your trust (even though he doesn't know you are) - and part of that will be mentally casting around to see if there is hope. There is no hope, I'm sorry. You are not letting your children down, you are not 'spoiling' anything. He is, and has

I don't think he was planning to leave you btw, I don't think he had any intention to leave you at any stage. Why should he? He's got it all running smoothly - or so he thinks. He's stringing her along with outlandish lies, and is already lining up another one. He's not right in the head region imo, but that's no consolation to you at the moment.

I agree with Springyspring. He has/had no intention of leaving you at any point. Why would he?

I agree he was not planning to leave you as the lies he told the OW about his mental health were to stop her from putting pressure on him to leave.

He has clearly done his sums and worked out that paying for her flat is a far cheaper option than going through another costly divorce.

I think my post came over a bit harsh. FWIW i also agree with springspring, he wants his cake etc...

It would be exremely difficult to carry on knowing what you now do. I just think you need to know that you and the kids are protected and you've taken whatever steps are necessary before you confront him. Fight or flight situation, if he simply buggers off and shuts down all access to phone/e-mails/financial documentation that will make whatever you do decide to do so much more difficult - you have the element of suprise/the upper hand at the mo.

Time to make the best of an incredibly difficult and upsetting situation. My thoughts are most definitely with you.

So sorry to read this, how devastating - he sounds like he's got a screw loose. What an awful discovery and it just seems to get worse.... Think you are being very wise not letting on until you are ready.
Will be thinking of you and hope you find your way through it all.

Completely agree with Hatpin. I think if he really intended to leave for the OW he would not have gone ahead and married you. If push came to shove I think he'd choose you over her. However, I do hope he never gets the opportunity to choose one of you over the other. I hope he gets what he deserves. He thought he had this all sown up didn't he?

He's spinning everyone a line. OP huge respect for you at staying so composed. Id have gone at his balls with a rusty blade as soon I could.

Agree on getting as much financial evidenceaas possible, and please tell someone you trust IRL to support you through this.

Take care x

Thanks for all the advice and support. It is so hard to look him in the eye and pretend all is normal at the moment. What he has done sickens me.

Thanks so much for all that advice olgaga - we are indeed married though have only been married for two months, I actually found out on our two month anniversary. He has been carrying this on before the wedding and immediately. For the life of me I can't fathom why he married me in front of all our close friends and family at great expense. The two just don't compute. Having said that at least I have the law on my side because we are married, have two children and did cohabit for seven years prior.

lavenderhoney The debts are all in my name because when we met I had a good job, good credit rating and savings etc. He was just rebuilding his life after a very nasty divorce where they fought over custody and money. That continues to this day. She from what he told me took everything and I think mostly I believe him as I have seen paperwork to prove it. But basically, I fell pregnant early on in the relationship, it was a total shock and accident, I had big plans for my career and had no intention of having babies at that point. But I embrace my fate and decided to go ahead, he was tremendously supportive but we needed to set up a home together which we did but of course as I had better credit rating a lot went on my name alone. Many of those debts never got paid off as the years rolled on. I trusted him to be good with money. He always had the statements go to his mum's because he was livign back with her when I met and he never changed them. His mum hates and wished he would and I never had any reason to be suspicious as he has always paid the bills etc.

Most of the bills are in my name though house rent, council tax and some others are in his. He basically gives me money each month to cover everything and I deal with it all. He refused a joint bank account because with his first wife she ran up a huge overdraft after they separated which he had to come to agreement with the bank to pay off. I accepted that and as he never left me short for bills I never questioned it. It seems horribly naive now but when you are in love, have two children together, are getting married you just don't suspect anything is that wrong. Sure we had our ups and downs but nothing could have prepared me for this. I was totally blindsided.

mimshimi I do intend to talk to his ex wife. We have to be in regular contact because he has a 14yo DD from his first marriage and she stays with us regularly. I have only ever had limited contact with her to do with contact but I am starting to view her in an entirely different light and think he may have been lying about her as well.

He didn't leave me for her. They were separated and divorced three years before I came on the scene. Unlike the stupid bitch he has got pregnant I have morals and would never have knowingly got involved with a married man. Ironically, it has been him having a family with me and more stability that has made contact with his daughter much easier.

I also intend to be business like and cold about it. No shouting or name calling, much as I would like to. He is the lowest of the low, I want this over as soon as possible and as easy as possible. I believe in karma and if this is how he can behave and treat me and our children then he will get it back in spades one day. He's the one who has to live with himself losing all his family and friends.

You are amazing do you know that? The strength and courage you are showing is astounding.
You will be a role model and a inspiration to many women out there.

You are brilliant!! I know you probably don't feel it...but you are brilliant!!

What a situation, sounds like you are handling it really well and need to keep your cool and not confront him until you have all the information that allows you to protect yourself financially as much as possible. I would even be careful with what you say to Ex-W for now because she may feel the need to confront him to protect their daughter so you could do with a few more weeks to prepare your game plan.

Do save your anger for him though, not the OW, you have seen the incredible lies he comes out with, she is probably as naive as you were when you believed him that his ex was the crazy, mad money stealer. He has surely painted you as crazy, mad, money obsessed and likely to keep him away from his children in a celibate marriage and living in separate bedrooms.

Do not EVER believe that a bit of counselling will save your relationship with this man. He has only known how to live with lies for all of his adult life it would seem. It would take such commitment for him to change and it is so unlikely he would ever be capable of it. Your DC probably do find him the best Dad at the moment but at some point they would find out the truth and feel very betrayed that their childhood had been built on a fantasy.