Found myself in a terrible situation, need advice

[Lasaucisse1978]

I started this in lone parents and have just moved it on other posters' advice to here. I have pasted what I originally wrote below but now the initial shock has worn off I really don't know what to do. Is it a totally stupid thing to even consider seeing if we can get through this with counselling? Am I a mug for even thinking it? He is at home now and life seems so normal. The DCs are so happy to have him here and I am feeling guilty for even thinking of breaking up the family even though I have done nothing wrong. Anyone else got any experience?......

I married my partner of almost eight years two months ago, after two children and being engaged for five years.

Three days ago I snooped on his mobile phone, something I have never done before as I have always believed in trust and privacy. But something, whether it was intuition or sixth sense made me check and I thought it would just give me piece of mind. Instead what I uncovered was truly awful and now I am in a horrible predicament and struggling to decide what to do.

I discovered that not only was he having an affair, she is three months pregnant with his child. Ironically it was on our two month anniversary I discovered this and means he was seeing her just before we got married.

I was so shocked I just logged off instantly and then had to act all normal before he went to work. I was in bits all day and as soon as he got home and went to change I checked again. Unfortunately he had deleted everything. Later that night when I couldn't sleep I got up to check again and there were a whole load more text messages where it gets even worse. Not only is having an affair it has been going on for two years! On top of that he is giving her money for a flat, talks of me as a mistake, only staying with me for the sake of the kids, has left twice and gone back etc etc. It's all very me me me and how he has been distraught about it all. You get the gist.

I gleaned from all these messages which I took the liberty of photographing with my phone for proof that he only broke it off with her a few days before the wedding and of course she then revealed the pregnancy and now it is all back on they are "rekindling" and "in Love" his words not mine.

I have been checking his phone each night (he doesn't realise I know the password) when he is asleep and I can't sleep. I have found so many more incriminating messages written in the last couple of days and the worst of it was last night I discovered quite by accident that he is not only seeing this woman but he was lining up a far more casual meeting with another woman for two week's time who he has clearly slept with before!!! So not only is he cheating on me he is cheating on her. There is a small amount of satisfaction in that for me as she knows about me and the children and doesn't give two hoots but he is clearly being awful to her too.

I was distraught the first few days, have been physically sick, unable to eat and generally in pieces. I married him because I loved him and genuinely wanted to spend my life with him. He clearly is a duplicitous b*tard who I hope rots in hell. Now I am really really angry. I have an appointment with a family lawyer next week and have held off confronting him until I gather even more evidence and see the solicitor.

I am really really worried though as although he has never deprived me of money he has always been really cagey about it. He is already divorced and has a daughter who he has had to fight through courts to see. I am now wondering if the story about his ex-wife is all lies now too. A lot of the debts are in my name unfortunately and he has never bothered to get his statements sent her, they always go to his mum's house and I think he has shredded a lot of them. Naive you might say as when I entered the relationship I had a good job, very little debt but I trusted him implicitly, we had two children together, we agreed I would stay home to raised them and of course we were engaged to be married.

I am really worried he will leave us in the lurch I hope not but I just don't know. I know I am torturing myself with all of this and until I confront him and see a solicitor it is all supposition but does anyone have similar experience????

I just can't believe the level of his deceit. I never saw this coming not in a million years and I can't believe the man I stood in front of all our friends and family and said vows with was carrying on like this behind my back. I am heartbroken but mostly I feel so sorry for our children. Through no fault of their own they are now going to be the product of a broken family and weekend father.

It's all so depressing. Just want some moral support

I know this sounds really mercenary but you're already better off than you think in this situation-you're in the house and he's agreed to leave and taken his clothes. It doesn't change his legal rights but it does change how the police would deal with it if he turns up wanting to create discuss things and you want rid of him. (Know that's probably scary but having been there I found it reassuring to know I wasn't powerless to get rid of him if necessary like he said I was ).

I think you are setting a sterling example to your daughters and based on your strength to date your future is much brighter than you envisage.

Sending best wishes your way.

I was so in awe of you when you were collating evidence so calmly & secretly whilst you were in so much shock & pain. How clever you were OP - because now you know beyond doubt that every time he opens his mouth he is lying in an attempt to manipulate your further and 'save himself'.

Of course it won't help ease your shock or pain or what you are now going through, but my goodness you have put yourself in a position of knowledge and truth and therefore power, that so many people in this situation are not privilege to. You know beyond doubt he is lying - and yet he continues. What a despicable shit - no doubt he will get more and more desperate before he finally gets it, that he is exposed as the lying cheating manipulative shithead person he really is and there is no recovery or going back from that.

You are strong and amazing & wonderful and you will get through this.

I wasn't having a go at you for drinking wine Las! Probably didn't word it very well, sorry - I meant that you may feel rough today, twas all. (shouldn't post when I've just woken up!) xx

Didn't want to read and run - just wanted to say how amazing you are, how brave and how strong. Previous poster is right - you are in a position of incredible power so use it! It may seem like a massive mountain to climb but you will get through this, you will. I can't imagine how awful you just feel, what he has done is truly despicable. Remember you've done nothing wrong - he is the arse here!! I am just gobsmacked at the cheek of what he's done\doing.
Just quickly - as you've had tons of good advice already - if he has moved out and taken clothes you may wish to consider changing the locks so that he can't let himself in out and when he pleases. He needs to know you mean business. Whatever the outcome, you need your personal space right now whilst you get your head around what you've discovered and what you do from here.
Take care x

springyhopes I didn't think you were. I just meant that I tried wine and all it does is numb everything for a few hours and then you feel just as shit if not more so than before! xx

Solicitor meeting went very well and she is lovely. Like posters have said on here I will have to wait a year for divorce because we have only been married two months which sucks. I just discovered though that one of his best mates knew two months before the wedding and didn't say anything - apparently he was begging him to end and the two of them had fallen out. I did know they had fallen out though I thought it was over something entirely different but apparently it was this. Not sure what to make of it, I'm sure he was put in a v difficult situation and don't think he knows the full extent but hey.

Anyway, that is an aside. I managed to get through the meeting only crying about half a dozen times. Game plan at the moment is to try and ensure he continues to maintain the status quo and pays the bills for the sake of stability for the children before we sort something out longer term both in terms of where he is living so he can have the girls overnight/for weekends and where I will live with them. He has arranged to come and be with the children Saturday as I am on a pre-booked course and I am going to try and broach the subject then and hope we can agree amicably what to do. If he refuses then I will be back in touch with the solicitor and things will have to get more legal. I can apply for a deed of separation which cost me about £500 and I can draw up a separate parenting agreement because him coming and seeing the girls at the house isn't ideal. I am hoping we come to an amicable agreement over it all because the alternative is not nice and he is well versed in the ability to hide his income thanks to his first messy divorce. On the plus side he did take the car, fill it with £100+ of diesel as it was on empty and leave it for me so I take that, I hope, as a sign he is going to at least do the honourable thing that way.

Trying to get on with what little work I have right now. Sent my CV to a couple of recruitment agencies with a view to returning full-time to work though at this stage I don't want to because I think it will be to the detriment of my girls but if it has to happen it has to happen. I will do anything to ensure they have stability and life remains as normal as possible with clothing, roof over our heads etc. I really really wish I could hate him but I can't and despite everything he has done I still love him though I keep reminding myself by rereading the texts what an utter bastard he is. All the things he says about me being a mistake and leaving me, it may have been for her benefit who knows, but it is still extraordinarily hurtful. She even said in one text I must have missed that they would be fine because lots of men have children behind their wives' backs and he should google it like that makes it all okay - she really is a piece of work.

And here I am crying again, just when I think I am starting to hold it all together I go to pieces.

Have a good cathartic cry, don't bottle it up. You have had such a useful morning and you are bound to feel overwhelmed at times. It's been a mammoth shock and you have reacted really well to keep things as normal as possible for your daughters and yet plan ahead.

What an amazingly productive morning you have had, OP. You are brilliant.

If I were you, I would slack off a little now, and try to relax as much as you can and gather your energy for Saturday. It won't be easy seeing him again, but also under new, strange circumstances. Do whatever you need to do, but take it one day at a time. I'm 5 months down the line after my STBXH left me for an O.W., and I don't mind admitting, it is easy to get overwhelmed and I have to go back to the one day at a time approach quite often. I can't think more than a few months ahead in anything but the vaguest of terms yet.

thinking of you and your DDs today. you are doing brilliantly, such a strong and dignified example to your DDs.

Saucisse, it's been a few days since I read your posts, you've come so far and are being so strong, you & your girls really will be ok and better off as a family unit without the deceit.
Well done you.

I agree that the OW knew she was in a relationship with a liar and therefore had more of an insight into his character than you Saucisse and I wouldn't expect you to feel any sympathy towards her for being the victim of a known liar. I can however feel objective concern for an unborn child who might have been unwittingly exposed to harmful infections.

Were I in your shoes, I would also acknowledge that my motives for telling the two other women were not entirely altruistic but would be to leave the real villain of the piece with no-one.

The more pressing issues I think are for you to work through some dissonance you might be experiencing. It is vital that you see your husband with absolute clarity. He is a consumnate liar and manipulator of women. That is the real him and not the image he presented to you. His sorrow is entirely related to getting discovered and any losses he will experience because of that. Just as his affairs had nothing to do with you or any of the relationships he was in and the women as individuals, his current response is the same; this is all about him.

I thought it was over something entirely different but apparently it was this.

because that was the line he spun to cover up why his friend made a stand. In the scheme of things it's great that somebody had the moral fibre to make a stand, being as morality is entirely abscent in the perpetrator of this godawful mess.

imo you are in shock and it will take a while for the truth to filter through. I don't think you can rush it - shock is a good buffer when dreadful things happen, otherwise you'd get it neat and that would be too much. In a heartbeat you've gone from happily newly married to this unbelievable scenario, that even I grapple to get my head around and I couldn't be less involved, literally a bystander. You can't cut your love for him off with an axe, it doesn't happen overnight.

Though I'm impressed at what you have been able to achieve despite being in total shock, as anybody would be. You are entirely innocent in all this. although it is natural to cast your mind back to eg 2 years ago, none of it makes sense, regardless what was going on at the time he initiated the relationship with her. It's all about him, nothing about you.

You are amazingly strong!

It feels shit at the moment but it will get better...I promise you, from someone who has been there xx

I was thinking about this on my way home and I have a theory.

The baby was "planned" so the texts lead you to believe, however.....

as us veterans of this board now, a cheating man will say anything to keep those knickers round the OW ankles. Maybe he did say that yes, they would have a baby, if thats what she wanted at the time he wanted a shag. She took that as a green light and stopped taking the pill, she gets PG and he panics and wants her to have an abortion (probably because of your/his MH "issues"). She says "It will be fine, men have babies behind their wives backs all the time, google it!"

You see where I am coming from? It doesnt make it any better but it might mean that he wasnt actually planning to have a baby with her, which is small comfort I suppose. She is clearly a piece of work, and has no morals whatsoever, and I feel desperately sorry for her baby, being brought up by someone like that :( HE is the biggest shit that ever walked Gods green earth, and again, so sorry for the baby.

None of this is any reason to have the shit head back in your life, but I thought I would share my theory. The OW is a serious bitch and manipulator, he deserves her!

I am glad you liked your solicitor and that is a big hurdle to get over. I remember how awful it felt to lay out the factual details of your relationship reducing it all to filling in a form

Just keep taking one day at a time and gleaning support from wherever you can

I agree with keeping the status quo and keeping him on board financially. At the moment he will be doing things like filling up the car because he is doing all he can to do the right thing.

On many occasions I longed to tell XH what I thought of various things but kept my thoughts private in order to maintain the status quo for the DC . It would have been lovely to have told him my opinions but when you are in a vulnerable position financially with DC its not worth it.

Apart from anything else they only see in themselves what they want to

Hey LAS how are you today? Are you equipped/feeling OK about the weekend ahead? Thinking about you & sending you the good vibes!

Hi Hiphopotomus. Not posted for a couple of days as not felt like it. He has been sending me lots of texts though none today. He has said sorry so many times I have lost count. Don't know what to make of it all, he is also saying I'm the only woman for him, there is no one else like me and never will be - he didn't think that a week ago though - a week ago I was reduced to being a mistake who he stayed with for the sake of the kids. I don't think he knows the truth anymore.

Yesterday was a better day - took the children to the zoo as off school because of bloody polling day for police commissioner elections. My stepdad treated us and it was nice to just mess around and not think about it too much despite him texting. I had things like sitting in St Paul's asking God to forgive, this from a man who doesn't have a religious bone in his body. He also asked me if his mum knew, I said no it was up to him to tell her but it had better be the truth, then he said he would but not until he felt stronger, he also asked me to not tell people at the moment because he was struggling to cope!!! wtf???? Because clearly I'm going on my merry way carrying on as normal for the children, losing weight hand over fist, unable to sleep and eat because I'm not struggling to cope. He right now only has to worry about himself, can mope in his hotel room wherever he is. I have to keep strong and pretend things are normal do cooking, cleaning the school run etc for the sake of the children.

I also discovered his best mate knew, he gave a reading at our wedding. I appreciate he was in a difficult dilemma and didn't know whether to say something or not and also didn't know the full extent but even so. Apparently several of the stag party knew too - they were all at the wedding congratulating us. Feel like they were laughing behind my back now at what a mug I was. Unfortunately it seems to be part of the city culture they work in that this sort of eahaviour is not only acceptable but the norm.

Today not such a good day. Finding it hard, also he is coming to spend day with children tomorrow while I go on a course that was booked ages ago. The kids will love that but I know it can only be a temporary thing because he can't come round here or they will get awfully confused. Got to talk to him about contact and finances tomorrow and dreading it but hoping I can pull it off.

Wishing you well lasaucisse. It's must be so difficult as you cannot believe a single word he says, as he is such a prolific liar. He could have been anywhere when he said he was in st Paul's. And you'll never ever know if he loves, or ever did love you.
You sound like you are doing a wonderful job in a heinous situation.
Stay strong and focused on removing this man from the centre to the edge of your life.
Thinking of you.

Don't listen to the flannel and crocodile years. This guy is starring in the drama of him

you're dealing with this brilliantly
well done
xxx

You can pull it off - maybe have a list of things to discuss with you?

He is feeling so sorry for himself now his lies and deceit are exposed, he's trying throwing everything he can at you in the hope that you will crumble and take him back. He has so little concept of the ramifications of his actions, and no doubt he is still powered by uber-arrogance. It's all bout him - why is that? really why is it all about him - he did this, and he did this to you and to his family.

As for not telling his parents and friends - sure it is up to him to tell them, but he sounds completely spineless with regard to that too. Perhaps it's a good idea for you to have something prepared to say if inlaws call or you meet anyone. So you can be honest with them and not feel in too tight a spot.

I agree he could have been anywhere when he sent the St Pauls text - I think his pity party has a way to go yet.

As for him saying you are the only woman for him - is this ment to be a good thing? After all he's done you are ment to feel lucky that you are the "only one" for him? Which of course you know if a total outright lie. He is completely absolutely and thoroughly deluded to say that to you.

Will be thinking of you over the weekend - best of luck.

OP please don't be taken in by him and his empty words like 'you're the one for me' blah blah. That's cos he's just shitting his pants now and absolutely terrified of other people finding out... which is also the reason you should tell other people. You weren't a mug and nobody will think that. This is all him. Please don't let him try and manipulate you and prevent you from moving fowards. You should have no hesitation in letting the world know this was all him who did this to you and your children.

You've been amazing and the day will come (soon) when you can't even imagine what you ever saw in him. Onwards and upwards....

Lasaucisse, if your H is round at the house tomorrow, make sure you have cleared all papers from your solicitor, phone, copies of his financials etc out of the house. He will use the time to poke around and I wouldn't put it past him to try and destroy evidence.

Sorry to hear of your situation.

Interesting that some of his friends knew. Looking back, were there any guests who had been invited to your wedding but who weren't able to attend? I wonder if this is because they knew and refused to be complicit in the deception?

Not that it matters much now.

I'd get to his mum first iiwy. I'd get to everybody first. It's not like it's a long story is it? pretty straightforward, you could say it in a short sentence.

I'd also be very wary of him being in your house. It may seem weird when only the blink of an eye ago you were living there together, but his entire secret behavour and now his public behaviour, which is all about him , conclusively shows that he is not a good man and that his character is seriously flawed. I wouldn't put it past him to do something horrible. erm horribler! He'll be outraged that hes been found out and is at the moment devastated that he's been found out. HOw you are or feel doesn't come into it at all for him.

Glad you had a good day yesterday and there are people around you to support you.

Hope you can derive some pleasure from the course tomorrow Lasaucisse.
Echoing warning to hide anything you don't want OH to read not saying he will snoop but best to be cautious.

He may be puppy eyes and woe-is-me or bright and breezy. He will aim for your achilles heel and put on whatever face he thinks will win you round.

Try not to dwell on who knew what. The only person who ultimately owed you any loyalty was him.

Take care, you have done marvellously.