Found myself in a terrible situation, need advice

[Lasaucisse1978]

I started this in lone parents and have just moved it on other posters' advice to here. I have pasted what I originally wrote below but now the initial shock has worn off I really don't know what to do. Is it a totally stupid thing to even consider seeing if we can get through this with counselling? Am I a mug for even thinking it? He is at home now and life seems so normal. The DCs are so happy to have him here and I am feeling guilty for even thinking of breaking up the family even though I have done nothing wrong. Anyone else got any experience?......

I married my partner of almost eight years two months ago, after two children and being engaged for five years.

Three days ago I snooped on his mobile phone, something I have never done before as I have always believed in trust and privacy. But something, whether it was intuition or sixth sense made me check and I thought it would just give me piece of mind. Instead what I uncovered was truly awful and now I am in a horrible predicament and struggling to decide what to do.

I discovered that not only was he having an affair, she is three months pregnant with his child. Ironically it was on our two month anniversary I discovered this and means he was seeing her just before we got married.

I was so shocked I just logged off instantly and then had to act all normal before he went to work. I was in bits all day and as soon as he got home and went to change I checked again. Unfortunately he had deleted everything. Later that night when I couldn't sleep I got up to check again and there were a whole load more text messages where it gets even worse. Not only is having an affair it has been going on for two years! On top of that he is giving her money for a flat, talks of me as a mistake, only staying with me for the sake of the kids, has left twice and gone back etc etc. It's all very me me me and how he has been distraught about it all. You get the gist.

I gleaned from all these messages which I took the liberty of photographing with my phone for proof that he only broke it off with her a few days before the wedding and of course she then revealed the pregnancy and now it is all back on they are "rekindling" and "in Love" his words not mine.

I have been checking his phone each night (he doesn't realise I know the password) when he is asleep and I can't sleep. I have found so many more incriminating messages written in the last couple of days and the worst of it was last night I discovered quite by accident that he is not only seeing this woman but he was lining up a far more casual meeting with another woman for two week's time who he has clearly slept with before!!! So not only is he cheating on me he is cheating on her. There is a small amount of satisfaction in that for me as she knows about me and the children and doesn't give two hoots but he is clearly being awful to her too.

I was distraught the first few days, have been physically sick, unable to eat and generally in pieces. I married him because I loved him and genuinely wanted to spend my life with him. He clearly is a duplicitous b*tard who I hope rots in hell. Now I am really really angry. I have an appointment with a family lawyer next week and have held off confronting him until I gather even more evidence and see the solicitor.

I am really really worried though as although he has never deprived me of money he has always been really cagey about it. He is already divorced and has a daughter who he has had to fight through courts to see. I am now wondering if the story about his ex-wife is all lies now too. A lot of the debts are in my name unfortunately and he has never bothered to get his statements sent her, they always go to his mum's house and I think he has shredded a lot of them. Naive you might say as when I entered the relationship I had a good job, very little debt but I trusted him implicitly, we had two children together, we agreed I would stay home to raised them and of course we were engaged to be married.

I am really worried he will leave us in the lurch I hope not but I just don't know. I know I am torturing myself with all of this and until I confront him and see a solicitor it is all supposition but does anyone have similar experience????

I just can't believe the level of his deceit. I never saw this coming not in a million years and I can't believe the man I stood in front of all our friends and family and said vows with was carrying on like this behind my back. I am heartbroken but mostly I feel so sorry for our children. Through no fault of their own they are now going to be the product of a broken family and weekend father.

It's all so depressing. Just want some moral support

Oh my god.., am in total shock for u. Sounds like your day is about as good as mine... I thought he might try and deny it. Mine did too.
Oh my dear L what a pair of twunts they are!!
I told mine to go. He packed but I don't know if he's left or not. I'm at work...
Sending you my very best wishes, again xx

I admire your dignity and fortitude. Your dc have a great role model. He, on the other hand is not worthy of you.

Can you tell your mum? I think she would like to know and certainly will come and support you- you want her there, and I think you should allow her to decide - I expect her travel can be postponed, as support and care for your dc and you will be foremost in her mind and heart.

Did you get all the finance info and can you make a plan of what next? Suggest you ge max cash out n any cards in case he stops them? And what were your plans for Christmas with dc? Can you think what woud be best for you? At hme with dgp popping round and hopefully your mum there.

Please be kind to yourself and take time to just be- thinking takes time nd is very tiring. Sending hugs your way:)

I feel for you, what an awful situation to be in. You're coping remarkably well, kudos to you. Vent on here, it'll help I'm sure. I just stopped by to offer a hand. Xxx

I know it is so hard for you, but you are doing the right thing. You need time and space to work out what to do next. Its your life and your marriage and everybody will tell you to leave him. FWIW, I dont jump on that band wagon, but in your case, I think that with the lies he has told you and the lies he has told OW, just prove that this is not the man to build a long term future with, as hard as it may be at the moment.

Practical things first as others have suggested - put a stop on any joint cards or bank accounts (after transferring money for yourself to live on), contact Tax Credit office and advise them that you are on your own and you will do a new individual claim over the phone.

Please do get legal advice. As you say, the marriage was short, but you were together a long time before that. and being married gives you rights that you wouldnt have otherwise.

I know how hard it is, you want it to all be a dream and wake up and its all over. The sense of grief and disbelief is overwhelming, but just take it day by day at the moment and surround yourself with good friends. and there is always somebody on here.

Jesus, Lasaucisse, I've read some shocking things on here, but this is really

You poor thing :(

You are doing amazingly, truly you are.

WOW you are truly amazing, well done for keeping your cool and doing the necessary digging. i hope he pulls his socks up and realises he has to make this as painless as possible for you and your children.

Well done Las. It's hard now, but it will get easier.

Just read the whole thread.
Your husband hates women.
He hates you, he hates her, he hates the woman he arranges to meet up with for casual sex.
He is using all of you to satisfy his needs. Like a cat with a mouse. You are all nothing but toys to him.
He is a thoroughly repulsive man.
You, however, sound like a wonderful mother and seem intelligent, rational, trusting and generous.
You will find another man who truly loves you. You will be ok.

I have been thinking about this and as appalling as it is that he got her PG a month before he married you, atleast you did get married.

You are now in a much better position financially than you were before, and have far more bargaining power than you would have had as a partner.

Small comfort, but at least he cant now screw you financially as he has every other way :(

Does his mother know yet? I want to know what has to say about it.

Thats true bogey

The very worst time is now just keep putting one foot in front of the other

Any advice you feel up to taking up re solicitors etc then do but otherwise just concentrate on surviving and start getting as much RL support as you possibly can

You didnt have a choice here the scale of it all will help you soon in that there is no dilemma or decision to be made. End your marriage.

Sending you a big hug , sobbing wreck or not you are doing a lot better than you think

Fucking hell. You sound great, he sounds like a total dick. No advice, just admiration at your strength I would have cut his balls off by now, your way is better. We will all be here for you.

Have drunk a bottle of wine with a friend and feeling nicely numb right now. He sent me a text half an hour ago saying hope you are ok - wtf??? I am about as far from ok as I possibly could be. I honestly think he thinks there is a chance of reconciliation. I am so sad, part of me wants him back, the stupid, ridiculous insecure part, but part of me wishes he would just leave me and the kids the fuck alone.

I have tried to be the bigger person and to ignore all his excuses, simply saying I can't forgive him but I don't want to fight and just want what is best for the DDs. If I keep saying that long enough and loud enough then maybe he will actually listen.

Since he discovered I know and how I found out he hasn't let his phone out of his sight. I don't believe for one second he has finished it with her and think he is probably tapping out texts which paint him in as positive light as possible. I don't even know if he is genuinely sorry for all the pain he has caused or just sorry he got caught. He tried to make out she hated him and she was blackmailing him for money so that she wouldn't tell me. Oh really? That was why they were texting each other I love you just two nights ago and discussing sodding baby names! He claimed the second OW was an old friend and he had never slept with her. Yeah right, because I often text my friends telling them "Can't forget the last time we were together, still remember the colour of your knickers, didn't stay on for long did they darling!!"

I haven't told his mother, that's up to him, but if he lies or tries to sugar coat it I will tell her the truth and show her all the texts I have if need be. It is hard to see how he can dress it up any other way than what it is though God knows he will try.

Haven't contacted the first OW, the one who is pregnant, but by God am I tempted to email her and let her know a few home truths. She has helped screw up my life, she did what she did with not a second's thought for me or our children despite clearly knowing about us for a long time. I want her to feel some of the pain too. But I won't because that isn't me, I don't do shitty things like that to people.

Going to bed, hope I can get some sleep, thankfully I have my babies to cuddle, while my snivelling spineless husband does whatever.

Glad to hear that you are not alone tonight. I know I said it before and maybe it is too early to be stressing this but it is not necessarily a helpful road to mind read the OW because it partly lets your H off the hook when it sounds like he has woven such a web of lies. You say "she did what she did with not a second's thought for me or our children"- she may well have agonised over you and the children over these past 2 years and been told time and time again by him lies about why he stays with you and his plans for the children. After all, if he can come up with a story of being blackmailed by her for you on the spur of the moment, what has he concocted with all the time to lie and cheat?

You say that emailing would cause her pain, probably she has been so groomed to believe that you are "mad", bad, etc etc that she won't believe a word of it, although perhaps eventually the planted seed of doubt would sprout.

Take care and keep reaching out for real life support from people around you, people who can keep you grounded and remind you of what is real.

Can't imagine what you felt on making these discoveries but well done for confronting him and just take one day at a time, focus on your lovely DDs, gather strength from loved ones. Try not to expend energy thinking about OWs, seek legal advice and try to eat something to keep your health up.

Dont contact OW because it will play into his hands.

He will have told her all sorts of lies about you and if you tell her the truth then he will just say "see?! I told you she was mad! It is her fault I was in Rome in hospital".

Dont do it. She will find out soon enough, and the fact that the "mad" ex hasnt tried to rip her head off may well be the first seed of doubt in her mind.

Oh my god what an utter nob, your strength is amazing op and you will get through this :)

Offering my support also - only wanted to add in that this awful woman's baby is completely innocent and shouldn't be punished or disadvantaged because of the godawful parents they were unlucky enough to incur.

I've been lurking on this thread and am aghast at the level of duplicity your revolting husband is capable of OP.

I think you need time and space now as far away from him as possible, because although I hope it's shock talking, there are hints in your posts that you believe this could be salveagable. That would be a disastrous road to take.

I have a different perspective about informing the other women, especially the one who is pregnant. Even if your husband was lying to her about your relationship I don't think that matters in terms of her own culpability. She still took a decision to have a relationship and conceive a child with an attached man. So I doubt she would dump him if you told her the truth, but the fact remains that he has definitely been sexual with two women and you have good grounds to suspect a third relationship. Since he's obviously been having unprotected sex with one of the three, that baby is at risk of a sexually transmitted infection. Out of conscience towards an unborn child, I'd have to tell a pregnant woman what I knew so that she could get the necessary checks from her healthcare team.

I also have the sense that there is even more to unravel here in terms of your husband's activities. He speaks like a man who despises women - rather like a punter who feels entitled to pay for sex.

I wish you strength and a very firm resolve.

He's very probably spun that he is a Mr Rochester and his mad wife keeps him tied (resulting in significant mental health issues for him?): star-crossed lovers. To lay the blame at her door is missing the point, I think. He's the villain.

booze is a depressant (I know, killjoy me) so I hope you're feeling ok today. take some booster vit C (depleted as alcohol is a diuretic) and try to drink a lot of water today. It is hard to think of these things when you're up against it, so excuse me for saying it.

I hope you have enough evidence in place to get him. I also hope he is no longer in the marital home. Kick him out, he won't have a shortage of places to stay by the sound of it though you may want to tie up some loose ends first as you grapple with the shock. Can anyone have the kids while you have it out with him? though he will lie

Protecting yourself will protect your kids. Don't be tempted to hang yourself out to dry for their benefit - it doesn't work like that. The chances are he will use them as leverage somewhere along the line ie he will emotionally blackmail you using their 'welfare' as leverage. Don't let him use them to hold you hostage on some level, on any level. You have to get hard-nosed here: you have to save yourself which will save them. oxygen mask and all that.

Glad you've a good friend to support you. Have you told your sister/mum? Keep strong, you'll get through this [hug]

Thanks everyone for your support. another restless night's sleep. I have that 10 sec moment when I wake up and everything seems normal and then the truth hits me like an articulated lorry. Wine was a temporary relief of course.

Charbon - you were right, I have been wondering if anything is salvageable. I know it sounds stupid even to me given what he's done but we have a marriage and children to think about and I guess it is also the shock and not wanting what I loved so much and spent time and effort building up to be ripped away so quickly and so violently. I still look at him and cannot reconcile what I read in those texts with the man before me.

Having said that I don't know quite how manipulative he can be though I am getting a good idea and I am sure he has been manipulating me for a long time. He is still turning it all around on himself, trying to play the victim - oh poor me what have I done, I am so sorry, I have really messed things up, I have no one in my life, I needed the attention blah blah blah. I have wracked my brains and thought back to what was happening two years ago when all this started and I can see nothing, nothing at all. We were a happy family we'd been on a nice holiday to France and things were as far as I can remember happy and well. I could have got my head around a fling or even just a short-term affair with counselling but this seems to go so far beyond it. I could have understood a little if I had been denying him sex or not affection but on the contrary I have never done that. In recent years I have always been the more proactive one and he is the one who has come up with excuse after excuse after excuse about how stressed he is or tired and not in the mood or the kids might come in, that I am a sex pest and like a bloke (i'm not unreasonable but I think maybe once or twice a month might have been nice). He was probably too tired from whoever else he was banging.

I won't confront the pregnant OW or say anything to her via email either. She's a disgusting piece of humanity as well and maybe as messed up as he is. In one text she is demanding £1000 a month from him, in the next she is telling him how much she loves him. The texts are pretty lengthy and she certainly knew about me for at least a year before we married if not longer. I am sure he has been manipulating her as much as me but at the end of the day I was completely in the dark abt this until a week and a bit ago. She on the other hand, from her texts, very clearly knows about me and the children and even if he was telling her he was going to leave, still chose to let herself get pregnant by a bloke who was abt to walk down the aisle who already had three children (our DDS and DD from first marriage). I think that says a lot about the sort of person she is, maybe she is as damaged as he is. I do pity the poor child who is the innocent in all of it and in many ways I am disgusted that he was prepared to abandon the child, not financially because I think he would do the right thing there but emotionally to save his own skin.

Anyway, solicitor appointment this morning and I made the STD appointment for next week - really not looking forward to that. Haven't heard from him yet but no doubt I will get lots of texts wearing me down abt how sorry he is etc etc. Got to get myself ready and pretend to be normal for DDs and actually do some work as well. I feel sick as I type here, just permanently want to throw up.

Just want it all to get better.

Just want it all to get better.

It will, eventually. As long as you don't give him another chance to fuck you up.

I just wanted to add to the support by saying you are amazing, you are dealing with this so well. I have just read every word you have written on this thread. I am so sorry for what he has put you through, I don't have personal experience of this but my uncle did this to my aunty, well still is. She has let him carry on. For 25 years he has led a double (well triple) life. Two families and one mistress. My aunty found out when she was in her fifties and felt it was too late to upset the apple cart, and that she couldn't survive financially if she confronted him. She is a husk of her former self, her daughters all know and nobody says anything. It is no way to live.

You are right, your children don't deserve this. But, my lovely, neither do you! And none of this is your fault. You have done the best thing for everybody involved, and my goodness your daughters will be fine with you as their mother.

Stay strong, you are an inspiration. Don't let this miserable excuse for a man confuse or exploit you any more, set your beautiful daughters an example and show them that you and they deserve better. Sending lots of love.

Good luck at the solicitors this morning.

I am just speechless at this spineless skunk.

I hope the solicitor visit goes OK.

You really have been amazing. You've got enough of the facts to know the guy, now try to keep him away from you so you give him no opportunity to mess with your head any more than he already has done.

Glad to hear you we're having wine with a friend. Tell everyone you need to and show them the texts.