Found myself in a terrible situation, need advice

[Lasaucisse1978]

I started this in lone parents and have just moved it on other posters' advice to here. I have pasted what I originally wrote below but now the initial shock has worn off I really don't know what to do. Is it a totally stupid thing to even consider seeing if we can get through this with counselling? Am I a mug for even thinking it? He is at home now and life seems so normal. The DCs are so happy to have him here and I am feeling guilty for even thinking of breaking up the family even though I have done nothing wrong. Anyone else got any experience?......

I married my partner of almost eight years two months ago, after two children and being engaged for five years.

Three days ago I snooped on his mobile phone, something I have never done before as I have always believed in trust and privacy. But something, whether it was intuition or sixth sense made me check and I thought it would just give me piece of mind. Instead what I uncovered was truly awful and now I am in a horrible predicament and struggling to decide what to do.

I discovered that not only was he having an affair, she is three months pregnant with his child. Ironically it was on our two month anniversary I discovered this and means he was seeing her just before we got married.

I was so shocked I just logged off instantly and then had to act all normal before he went to work. I was in bits all day and as soon as he got home and went to change I checked again. Unfortunately he had deleted everything. Later that night when I couldn't sleep I got up to check again and there were a whole load more text messages where it gets even worse. Not only is having an affair it has been going on for two years! On top of that he is giving her money for a flat, talks of me as a mistake, only staying with me for the sake of the kids, has left twice and gone back etc etc. It's all very me me me and how he has been distraught about it all. You get the gist.

I gleaned from all these messages which I took the liberty of photographing with my phone for proof that he only broke it off with her a few days before the wedding and of course she then revealed the pregnancy and now it is all back on they are "rekindling" and "in Love" his words not mine.

I have been checking his phone each night (he doesn't realise I know the password) when he is asleep and I can't sleep. I have found so many more incriminating messages written in the last couple of days and the worst of it was last night I discovered quite by accident that he is not only seeing this woman but he was lining up a far more casual meeting with another woman for two week's time who he has clearly slept with before!!! So not only is he cheating on me he is cheating on her. There is a small amount of satisfaction in that for me as she knows about me and the children and doesn't give two hoots but he is clearly being awful to her too.

I was distraught the first few days, have been physically sick, unable to eat and generally in pieces. I married him because I loved him and genuinely wanted to spend my life with him. He clearly is a duplicitous b*tard who I hope rots in hell. Now I am really really angry. I have an appointment with a family lawyer next week and have held off confronting him until I gather even more evidence and see the solicitor.

I am really really worried though as although he has never deprived me of money he has always been really cagey about it. He is already divorced and has a daughter who he has had to fight through courts to see. I am now wondering if the story about his ex-wife is all lies now too. A lot of the debts are in my name unfortunately and he has never bothered to get his statements sent her, they always go to his mum's house and I think he has shredded a lot of them. Naive you might say as when I entered the relationship I had a good job, very little debt but I trusted him implicitly, we had two children together, we agreed I would stay home to raised them and of course we were engaged to be married.

I am really worried he will leave us in the lurch I hope not but I just don't know. I know I am torturing myself with all of this and until I confront him and see a solicitor it is all supposition but does anyone have similar experience????

I just can't believe the level of his deceit. I never saw this coming not in a million years and I can't believe the man I stood in front of all our friends and family and said vows with was carrying on like this behind my back. I am heartbroken but mostly I feel so sorry for our children. Through no fault of their own they are now going to be the product of a broken family and weekend father.

It's all so depressing. Just want some moral support

You are doing very well. It's good that you are married as it gives you more rights etc. although you won't be able to start a divorce until you have been married for 12 months I think.

Just keep strong while you get evidence, information and legal advice. Find out what you are entitled to benefit wise. Keep him at arms length.

Keep posting. I know this is hard for you but you are doing the right thing at the moment.

Have you confronted him about this?

OP I'm so sorry to read your thread. I saw it earlier but didn't have time to respond. I've been worrying about you all morning!
You are coping remarkably well. I have a recent similar situation whereby I discovered that my DH has had another persona that I wasn't aware of. The majority of this I believe happened online, but there were some instances where it spilled into RL.
I was absolutely spitting wasps. I wish I could of been more like you, biding my time and gathering facts. It's far more difficult once they start to cover their tracks.
I also don't believe that he had any intention of leaving you.
But, you need to continue to plan your campaign very carefully.
Be careful who you share this with in RL. I wouldn't share with XW just yet either...
Do you know how long this has been going on...? Also, OW#2, do you know when and where they are meeting..? Do you know how he met her? I just wondered if it was online...?
I'm here to help anyway I can. PM me if you'd like to. I'm so gutted for you and DC but also in awe of your strength and composure.
Stay strong and remember to clear your history
Xx

I don't have anything to add OP other than that I am so impressed by your strength.

No advice from here either, just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are in such an unbelievably shitty situation. I agree that you need to gather all the important financial info and that there is no going back from such terrible deceit and betrayal.

Sending you much strength x

If you can, just carry on as you are until you've seen the solicitor and got a plan of action from her/him. Get a solicitor with sharp teeth, as you want them to really bite!

I would be so tempted to anonymously let the OW know of the meeting with OW2 - be there or be square kind of thing - but not if there was the slightest chance that it could lead back to you.

You are clearly an intelligent and resourceful woman. You will do so much better than him, once you've got him out of your life. Your children are lucky to have you, so don't ever think, as so many do, that you won't be enough for them on your own. You will be. More than enough.

I am in awe of the way you've handled things so far, you're doing SO well despite the carnage this arse has caused/is causing. Keep it up

Agree with everyone. You could have crumbled under this because it's a shocking thing to find out about someone you thought you knew. He is just scum to have landed you in it like this

Keep doing what you're doing....

olgaga - thanks for all that wonderful advice. We are married but only for two months. This has been going on for a long time before although I only found out about it in the last week. At least I think that gives me some measure of safety in the courts. However, we had a massive row about money last night where he said as it was his money and he was the only one earning it he would spend it how he liked. He said if I didn't like it do something about it like get a job. He also accused me of wasting my life and being a failure. I don't count raising two children who are still only 3 and 6 as a failure or trying to still do freelance business in between. I am the first to admit is doesn't make much money but I was trying to keep my hand in. It is clear he places little or no value on looking after a home and children and all that entails. I was shocked actually at the level of his vitriol even without the affair in the background. So long and short of it I dont' think I'll get much help when this all comes out.

lavenderhoney I intend to try and keep calm when I confront him, am not going to let him know everything I know. I'd like him to be honest but given how much he seems to lie so easily I am sure he will lie about this and the extent of the affair. Have been gathering evidence all week which proves though how long it has been going on for that the baby was planned, I still think that is the most stupid thing everytime I read it, and how he wants to leave me for her but can't because of mental issues (news to me, he must be an oscar winning actor to hide that - he told her he had to be committed, which just happened to be the same week we were in Italy!!) I have plenty to hang him with.

mimishimi - I do intend to speak to his ex wife at some point. It will dynamite from her point of view and her battles with him but I am also keen to hear her side of the story. He has been a great pains to keep us apart for so long, even when I said maybe it would aid relations and access with his daughter from his first marriage. Now I think maybe he was lying about her and she has been unfairly tarred with a shitty brush.

I had nothing to do with their marriage break up - unlike some I don't lay down with married me. They were divorced for three years before we got together.

I am about as low as I can get right now, have lost half a stone in a week and dreading what is to come. He keeps going on about how great christmas will be but everytime he does I feel sick, knowing that I am about to break up the family even though it wasn't me who had an affair. I wish I could wake up and find it was all a horrible dream

Big hugs from me. it feels shit, I know it does!

Why did his first marriage break up?l

I think the strength you are showing in being able to conceal everything you have found out is a good indicator of how you will cope once this all comes out

I second everyone saying get copies of his wage slips, any savings etc especially after his charmless comments about you needing to get a job. Have you seen a solicitor yet ?

Time enough to speak to his ex wife when things are in the open if you still want to. Whatever happened there was a long time ago and frankly I wouldnt have thought you needed any more evidence/information confirming what a nut job he is.

Also I wouldnt sully yourself with any kind of contact with his ow and as has been said in all probability she is in the dark too and in for a very nasty shock

I am not surprised you are wondering why someone would want a big showy wedding etc under these circumstances. I dont know anything at all about these kind of personalities and havent ever read about it on MN but I presume he is suffering with some kind of disorder other than that of being a towering shit.

Keep going , none of this is your fault and you have absolutely no option other than to break your family up because this isnt a repairable scenario in any way shape or form.

I am glad you have found MN and do keep posting and getting support on here particularly while you have to keep it under wraps in RL

Just come back to this thread to see how you are getting on OP. You have received some good advice OP and my offer still stands if you want to PM me. I can help with the financial side.

Good luck with it all

Ffs now I did it...lmao

Personally, I would not "confront" him until I had seen a solicitor to see where things stand legally/financially. Knowledge is power.

Keep going. It will get better.

Hi OP, delurking to say how sorry I am that you are going through this, the mind boggles doesnt it. You have all our best wishes and lots of people are thinking about you. You are doing so so well, in what must be a horrific situation to be in. Stay strong, you are doing exactly the right thing at this time. Keep it up, you will be fine and much better off in the end.

It's interesting to see that during the argument he told you if you didn't like it you could get a job. If he had been planning on leaving you / breaking up with you that would have been the moment for him to say "if you don't like it you can leave / I will leave / we can go our separate ways"

The fact he didn't take the opportunity shows that he really thinks he can carry on living a double life indefinitely. He really has no intention of being monogamous, ever!

By the way, you most certainly NOT wasting your life and a failure! You are bringing up 2 small children AND freelancing at the same time. You are investing in your children's lives which most certainly is NOT a waste! The only things you might possibly be wasting are your time and emotions on someone who so obviously doesn't deserve them.

Another one here offering support. You are very clear headed at the mo, though you're right to see it all as a rollercoaster ride. PLEASE get to a solicitor so you know absolutely where you stand, then you will have all the power on your side when you decide to act. Good luck.

horrible now, but it will be fine

Yet another to offer hand holding and support. What a piece of work this creature is. Thank goodness you are on good terms with your parents and they live close by.
I saw advice on a similar thread once, when doing a supermarket shop add a couple of store gift cards to the trolley, they'll come in useful later.

WOW what a total arse this man is. Sorry you are going through this OP. It beggars belief the extent people will go to to lie & deceive - why bother? It's just so pointless.

OP you are amazing - I am in awe of how you are holding yourself together. It must be taking a huge amount of self control and togetherness.

Do you think the bank statements etc all go to his Mum's to hide the fact he is funding a double life?

I just wanted to voice my support for you Lasaucisse - you are amazing. Keep up the good work (maybe in the future you should consider working as a secret agent )

You aren't the one about to break up the family Lasaucisse, he is.

Please repeat to yourself over and over - you aren't breaking up your family, this incredibly selfish idiot of an arse is breaking up his family, and is also lying and deceiving his 2nd "family" too!

You are being so brave. Please gather as much information as you can as quickly as you can, as you must be under a terrible strain, keeping all this to yourself, and it can't be good for you.

Have you told anyone in RL? I think at the very least, you need some RL support.

what a fantastically strong woman you are. good luck with everything, though i have no doubt that you will be fine. i will be watching and rooting for you.

also sending some virtual

keep going, you'll get there. You're amazing.

Told him last night and he flat out denied it. Tried to make out I was mad until I presented him with proof then suddenly he admitted he'd made a terrible mistake. Made out he was just trying to protect me
And the kids. Have asked him to move out he is downstairs while I sob on youngest dd's bed. I don't think I have ever felt so wretched in all my life