Found myself in a terrible situation, need advice

[Lasaucisse1978]

I started this in lone parents and have just moved it on other posters' advice to here. I have pasted what I originally wrote below but now the initial shock has worn off I really don't know what to do. Is it a totally stupid thing to even consider seeing if we can get through this with counselling? Am I a mug for even thinking it? He is at home now and life seems so normal. The DCs are so happy to have him here and I am feeling guilty for even thinking of breaking up the family even though I have done nothing wrong. Anyone else got any experience?......

I married my partner of almost eight years two months ago, after two children and being engaged for five years.

Three days ago I snooped on his mobile phone, something I have never done before as I have always believed in trust and privacy. But something, whether it was intuition or sixth sense made me check and I thought it would just give me piece of mind. Instead what I uncovered was truly awful and now I am in a horrible predicament and struggling to decide what to do.

I discovered that not only was he having an affair, she is three months pregnant with his child. Ironically it was on our two month anniversary I discovered this and means he was seeing her just before we got married.

I was so shocked I just logged off instantly and then had to act all normal before he went to work. I was in bits all day and as soon as he got home and went to change I checked again. Unfortunately he had deleted everything. Later that night when I couldn't sleep I got up to check again and there were a whole load more text messages where it gets even worse. Not only is having an affair it has been going on for two years! On top of that he is giving her money for a flat, talks of me as a mistake, only staying with me for the sake of the kids, has left twice and gone back etc etc. It's all very me me me and how he has been distraught about it all. You get the gist.

I gleaned from all these messages which I took the liberty of photographing with my phone for proof that he only broke it off with her a few days before the wedding and of course she then revealed the pregnancy and now it is all back on they are "rekindling" and "in Love" his words not mine.

I have been checking his phone each night (he doesn't realise I know the password) when he is asleep and I can't sleep. I have found so many more incriminating messages written in the last couple of days and the worst of it was last night I discovered quite by accident that he is not only seeing this woman but he was lining up a far more casual meeting with another woman for two week's time who he has clearly slept with before!!! So not only is he cheating on me he is cheating on her. There is a small amount of satisfaction in that for me as she knows about me and the children and doesn't give two hoots but he is clearly being awful to her too.

I was distraught the first few days, have been physically sick, unable to eat and generally in pieces. I married him because I loved him and genuinely wanted to spend my life with him. He clearly is a duplicitous b*tard who I hope rots in hell. Now I am really really angry. I have an appointment with a family lawyer next week and have held off confronting him until I gather even more evidence and see the solicitor.

I am really really worried though as although he has never deprived me of money he has always been really cagey about it. He is already divorced and has a daughter who he has had to fight through courts to see. I am now wondering if the story about his ex-wife is all lies now too. A lot of the debts are in my name unfortunately and he has never bothered to get his statements sent her, they always go to his mum's house and I think he has shredded a lot of them. Naive you might say as when I entered the relationship I had a good job, very little debt but I trusted him implicitly, we had two children together, we agreed I would stay home to raised them and of course we were engaged to be married.

I am really worried he will leave us in the lurch I hope not but I just don't know. I know I am torturing myself with all of this and until I confront him and see a solicitor it is all supposition but does anyone have similar experience????

I just can't believe the level of his deceit. I never saw this coming not in a million years and I can't believe the man I stood in front of all our friends and family and said vows with was carrying on like this behind my back. I am heartbroken but mostly I feel so sorry for our children. Through no fault of their own they are now going to be the product of a broken family and weekend father.

It's all so depressing. Just want some moral support

You will come out of this so much better and happier than he will, I promise you. It will take some time, but you will. And he will be begging you to take him back before long, I guarantee it.

Now it's time to speak to her. Take a deep breath, put your nicest clothes on and some lipstick, and face it all with dignity. You have been amazing. A big hug to you. xxxx

Have you told a friend, or your mother, or his mother? Anyone who can give you a RL hug and some support right now? Do not feel ashamed, none of this reflects badly on you (although I know it will feel like it does) and you should not have to bear all this pain alone.

Well done you. Stay strong. You have been amazing so far. Time to call your Mum or best friend for RL support. Don't forget to keep that evidence safe

well done you. what a shit trying to deny it! you are very strong and very amazing. in years to come your children will admire how strong you being now.

thinking of you!
x

Have told a couple of close friends and my stepdad. My sister knows as well but she lives in California and my mum unfortunately is away for a month in India. I really really need her but don't want to wreck her trip - it wasn't just a holiday she was going out there to work in an orphanage for four weeks. I don't want to ruin what she had been planning for so long.

He is upstairs packing his bags now. He keeps telling me how sorry he is, he never meant to hurt me etc etc. He loves me and wants to be with me. I don't know what is true and what isn't anymore. I suspect he is still texting her telling her one thing and me another. I think he only got all contrite when he realised the game was up. If i hadn't found out he would still be happily doing both things and sending texts that read such lovely things as "you can't talk much with my thick cock oozing in your mouth" and yes he did really write that.

He has just left. I have never felt more miserable in my life. Wish I could hate him but I don't. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I just don't understand why he had to do it. A fling I could have got past, an affair even but a two year affair and him deliberately getting her pregnant a month before we got married is just too much.

Please tell me it does get better because right now I am struggling to hold it together. Quite honestly posting on here is the only thing keep me sane.

Does she actually know that he married you? to be honest I would not be surprised if he had not even told her. Not that I want to defend her at all but what kind of woman deliberately gets PG with a man a month before his wedding to someone else?

OP I just had to reply. You are so brave for getting rid of him. He is a complete shit and there is nothing salvagable about this marriage. In time you will see you are better off rid of him. I have a dear friend in a similar situation. She discovered her h was leading a double life about 18months ago. He is a complete shit but she has not had the courage to leave him and is miserable. It breaks my heart to see her a shadow of what she was. She says its for the kids but kids are not stupid.
Be strong, you have done the right thing, a man capable of lies on that scale is just not to be trusted.

It gets better - it really does, you've just done one of the hardest things you will ever do.

And while it takes it time to get better we'll all be here to hold your hand (and scream at our PC's "don't text him" when you have a moment of weakness)

You've been amazing strong, and you will be stronger and better at the end of this.

It will get better. Keep those texts in your mind (at least for the short term). If he can sneak around behind your back like this and even say his wedding vows knowing that he is already breaking them what chance is there for you in the long term? None.

You have been amazing so far and have proved to yourself what he is. There is no doubt. If you can be that strong when you have to face sleeping next to his treacherous behind you can certainly do it without him.

I'm sorry you feel so wretched, of course you do. But there could never have been another outcome, could there? Although that's no consolation, I'm sure.

Just keep on paddling. You'll feel so much better in time.

You?re probably still in shock as even though you found out a few days ago now, the fact that he really has packed his bags and gone means it?s ?real? and you are having to confront your feelings. I think you?re exceptionally intelligent to work out the fact that whilst he?s crying his crocodile tears, he?s also probably still contacting her ? why wouldn?t he be? He tried to lie to you and ONLY when he realised you knew too much, he admitted it and look how he tried to turn that around ?I was only trying to protect you?? Absolute rubbish ? he was only trying to protect himself.

If I were you, I would continue being strong and also limit contact with him as much as possible, only replying to questions about the children ? keep them factual and as brief as possible. He?s probably wondering what you?re thinking / feeling and if you?re not feeling strong, any contact you have with him might weaken your resolve and you might find you start ?talking? and let him weedle his way back in.

Whatever you choose to do, make sure this is your choice and make sure you get a decent break away from him, there is no rush to do anything, you are your own person and currently the only people that matter are yourself and your children.

It does get better, it really does. Whilst things are constantly on your mind now, you?ll find that the time you devote to him and what he did to you will lessen, you?ll only think about it every 5 mins, then every ten, then every hour and before you know it, you?ll go hours and then days without feeling angry or hurt or without your stomach aching and your constant questioning of ?why??

This will take time ? a LOT of time, so just take each hour as it comes and focus on as many positive things as you can for the future.

Thank you so much for the messages of support. You guys have no idea how much it means to me to know I am not alone.

FellatioNelson - yes I am afraid she knew he was getting married yet they carried on the relationship and intentionally got pregnant just a fews weeks before we tied the knot. I have the texts to prove it - we have been married two months last Monday, she is having her three month scan tomorrow. It doesn't take a genius to work out the dates of when all this happened.

I truly believe he never intended to leave me for her though I think he really thought he could continue two lives and get away with it. Now in the cold light of day and knowing what I know, he is definitely trying to cover his tracks and lie even more.

My poor children, they didn't deserve this.

xx

hope you're alright

So sorry for you.

I've been lurking and have just finished the whole thread.
You really are a formidable woman, I hope that if I ever find myself in your heart-breaking situation I can handle myself in the same dignified way.

You will do the right thing

*

How terrible for you and your dcs. I've known men who are amazing liars before, it's incredible how they do it? I hope you get through this ok x

You poor love. Don't worry you'll find the strength to see this through. Do get some good legal advice asap. Don't worry that you've only been married a couple of months - a period of cohabitation prior to marriage is taken into account. You will need to get those finances sorted - take a look here for help with debt:
www.stepchange.org/#

No, he wasn't trying to protect you, he was trying to protect himself.

This is very shocking and a hard thing for you to take in on many levels - I'm so sorry. You are made of strong stuff , which is quite clear. YOu will get through this.

How close are you to your sister? Would she be the type to get on a plane? Your mum may be cross you kept her out of it tbh - I know I would be if my daughter was going through something like this and she didn't tell me. This is a genuine crisis.

Perhaps make an appt with your GP to get something to help with the shock in the short term? Bless you, this is hard for you ((hug))

He has very probably spun her a yarn about you btw. You've already seen evidence of the outrageous lies he is telling her, otherwise what sort of woman would be prepared to accept the kind of grubby deal he is offering her?? It doesn't make sense.

It won't feel like it now, it really won't, but it's better it's all out in the open.

Be kind to yourself and your DC now and consider ringing your mum. I think it's admirable you're worrying about spoiling her trip, but I bet she'd want to know about this sooner rather than later.

I don't think you can file for divorce until you have been married for 12 months, but perhaps you can get a separation agreement. Please seek legal advice as soon as you are up to it.

Op feel dreadful for you, his behaviour is really beyond shocking, disrespectful and base. What an awful person. At some point you will turn a corner and be grateful to be rid

Just wanted to say that you mentioned moving in with your DPs, OP, and I wonder if that would influence how much maintentance you received.

Get info from a solicitor before you do anything, he earns the money you must make sure you get your share for the DCs.

Best of luck. He sounds like some fantasist but hopefully will keep up his responsiblities to DCs as he did with other daughter.

Wow, she is a piece of work isnt she?

Make sure that everyone knows that she was already pregnant on your wedding day, leave no one in any doubt about what a total shit he is!

My god Lasaucisse1978, so sorry to read of what you found out and what has happened.
You feel awful now, but it will get better. Big hugs to you.

yes, absolutely. And I think you should tell his mother before he gets a chance to. He should not get to put any spin on it.

Although how the fuck he could spin getting knowingly PG with one woman while simultaneously marrying another is beyond me.