Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships: 13

[CharlotteCollinsislost]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page1.htm heart to heart]] a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

PS I lie, no [choc] dammit but I have had a mince pie.

oh so spot on Bertie .. the fears are, well just fears! which dissolve after a while of knowing that.

Hi Bertie, your counsellor sounds really good - how did you find her? Is she an EA specialist?

enjoying that you bring nonsense Try Made me smile -nonsense is good. On that note.. ((slopes off to mediation no absolutey eff that meditation room for some ohms and peaceful deep sleeps)) wishing the same to everyone else.

Ommm fi and sweet dreams...

meditation, meditation, mediTation.. v. important to get than one right

Clouds is the community counselling service here. They have someone who lists dv as one of her areas of interest, but not specifically ea. Will see how I get on.
I'm more worried that dd, who is almost 5, is bring manipulated into sleeping at ex's house, since she only asked after being with him all day. I have warned him over and over not to mess with her head. He just denies it.

My counsellor is through work (I'm lucky enough to have a job in a very supportive environment). I don't know if she has specific EA experience but it seems like it.

matchsticks my DS (nearly 5) is also being manipulated by FW. He uses emotional blackmail on DS to try and get him to spend time with him ...and is then angry when DS change his mind...

Poor little children. We have to do out best to show them healthy normal behaviour.

So. Just saw NSDH for first time since we said things were now over on Wednesday. I can hardly type for my hands shaking, I keep making typos, it's taking me ages to correct all my mistakes!

I saw him get out of the car with lots of bin bags - my stuff. Tried to be calm but felt sick. Tried to be normal, succeeded until he started talking about me getting the rest of my stuff later today. I asked why it had to be today, said I was dealing with a lot at the moment and could do without this as well. He almost acted surprised. 'What other stuff?' I started crying. with self. Kept saying he was 'trying to understand' what I was saying (fucking therapy speak), despite completely ignoring it - he said he thought I'd want to get my stuff, it's mine after all. I said yes, but that was for me to decide, not him.

He then talked about putting the house on the market in the new year. Asked if that was what I wanted. I said I didn't see any other option (still can't say a definite 'yes'). Crying again. He then started in on me about why I'd dragged it out so long, why I hadn't just picked up my stuff after one month - I said I'd thought I was coming back, I was waiting for him to change and show me his change was permanent, he said bollocks, I was never planning on coming back, he'd changed and I just didn't see it. But I was planning on going back. I really was. I hoped I was, anyway.

He said 'You changed in the last few months'. I said that things changed for me after he assaulted me a couple of months ago. He scoffed. He said 'do you mean the day when you tried to take my son away from me? You weren't assaulted, don't be so ridiculous.'

I walked away at this point, I couldn't believe he was still denying his behaviour. Just confirms to me that he hasn't changed, wont change, can't change. is it too late to go to the police about it and give him a fucking kick up the arse?

Oh, and as I predicted, when I mentioned DS1 coming up, he started talking about he didn't think it would be appropriate for him to keep seeing DS1. I knew knew knew he was going to do this. He kept trying to put it back onto me - how it was my decision, and his dad's (I kept saying we were both happy for him to keep seeing him), and then he said he thought it would be too confusing when I'm with someone else and DS1 is seeing both his dad, NSDH and my new bloke.
Poor DS1. I don't know what to do. He loves NSDH, loves spending time with him. He's going to be devastated if he's basically 'not wanted' any more. Fuck fuck fuck him, he's not NSDH anymore, he's officially a FW.

[apologies for the slight sweary takeover to pony's broadcast. Normal service will be resumed shortly, following a and some vigorous bathroom cleaning]

Hugs, hugs and more hugs pony. He has made a pre-emptive strike, but it should confirm to you that he was not worth hanging on for.

Do not agree anything re the house. Consult sol. Do not agree anything with him except via sol, or at the v least after several days of deep thought.

Sadly it may be for the best for DS1 not to see him.

Latest fuckwittery: he texted me saying I was giving mixed messages and if I didn't want things to finish I had to say, and soon because things were moving quickly. (and how it wasn't easy for him either).
I texted back that I was sorry for mixed msgs, just that my heart was broken and I so desperately wanted to fix things but knew I couldn't - said that his denial of the last assault and what he sad about DS1 confirmed this.

His reply: Your mind is not allowing you to look at what's happening, every conversation is about blame or me not saying what u want or analysing what I'm saying and reading what you want into it. If you could only hear yourself, you've no interest in us or the girls, it's all about you, just you, it's no way to live and I can't do this anymore. I wish you could change but you wont, ever, you've shown that.

That fucking hurts. Even though I can see that he's twisting it back onto me (to the point of using my own words about him not changing back onto me). But it hurts that he could be so horrible to me. I feel bad, because part of me believes what he's saying, that I am to blame.

Then: If this is your decision then prob better not bring DS1 up, will just give you fuel to use against me... [and more blether about how I need to talk to DS1 and explain things]

I know you are right Silver, that maybe it's better for DS1 not to see him, but DS1 genuinely loved spending time with him, and I think thought FW did too. I had always thought their relationship was separate from ours, boys together. But now, it seems he's not above using DS1 to get at me. I've just devastated. How do I take DS1 one out for a nice day out and try and explain to him what's happening when I can't stop crying??? (luckily he's glued to his Sonic dvd for now so is oblivious...)

Does DS1 get on with his real father? If so, could he help with this?

Of course his text hurts, but it is designed to. And you are not to blame, you know that really. But it is such early days - it is only today that you know it is really over. Let your thoughts and feelings run as they may, don't engage with them, you need time now just to let it all process.

My ensuite needs cleaning, if you need more cleaning therapy.

I'm on it, Silver! Have cleaned bathroom, kitchen, hoovered, changed my bedding, and need something else to do!!!!

Another text: The way you are is not healthy for any of the kids... they need to be enjoying their time... not continuing to feel insecure because you cannot commit. An actual opinion from you would be good rather than just criticising what I'm saying to make yourself feel better.

!!!!!

Transference, anyone?

Am ignoring this one and going out. Asked DS1 if he'd like to come out with me for the afternoon, we'd get a Maccy D's (universal bribery currency). He said yes, but could I text FW to say he wouldn't be coming up, in case he got confused as to why he wasn't. Bless. He's a caring wee soul. Can't face the big discussion with him today, save that for another time, we'll just go out.

Oh, and yes, DS1's dad is very present in his life (even though lives far away) and is a good guy. Think he'll be pretty annoyed at FW though, he's already said that he's glad that FW was wanting to continue to see DS1 and spend time with him.

oh lordy Pony sad for you to face this final lot of abuse, but I agree with you he's completely about blaming you (mmmmm... soooo recognise that one everyone here?).

Is a lot to deal with as Silver says just let the feelings come and go and make no declarations/decision to him about anything. Hole up with your cleaning for a bit and recover from it all. It is proof of everything you have been so unhappy about. and no I don't think its too late for police. I didn't record stuff right away, but you should get it on record, and not protect him. Hard for DS but also agreeing with Silver maybe be better, especially if the girls come see him with you.

Soothing hugs for you Pony I'm sure there s a stack of ironing building up in the commune, and the oven definitely needs scrubbing, and the meditation room some fresh flowers and extra shine for that window to let the sun shine in

I feel that I shouldn't be here, because everything is so polite, there is no verbal abuse, no intimidation, no shoving, no cursing, but I really do know that I am in an abusive relationship. One of quiet devalueing, and disrespect.

So can I tell you what a really subtle headf ck is:

Being shut down. Any attempt to tell about your day, is hit with disinterest, facial expressions if you persist.
Conversations shut down by quiet little put downs, dismissals, ... just shut downs.

Lucky I don't look to him for validations. Thank God I am not him. What a sad, minimised life.

mmmm Wobbly I use to have to listen to evenings upon end of rantings/ragings about his work (on those evenings I was a lucky lady as he was actually speaking about them rather than stewing and taking out his bad mood on me), but when it came to any work chatter/upset from me - complete disinterest, shut down, ignoring, or even saying 'you're boring me thats why I'm not interested'. yes, lovely, lovely FW and beautiful kindesses for us to take as pitiful offerings of a relationship. This environment is a stark contrast to that, where truly lovely ladies trying to help support, understand each other and take their valuable time to consider the issues we struggle with.

Hope you and DS1 Pony have lovely time out together without the heavy chats, and strength for having that when you can.

All the abuse recently and forcing his way through/across me/DC, are all my fault, and I'm absolutely disgusting. I would be so hurt and absolutely mortified if a friend said these things to me, but I know the difference between friend and FWit! nasty shit with only his own ends and emos to serve. So regardless of me being single mum and him continuing to pour abuse, its sliding off, long may he continue to waste his energies ha ha! . Get strong and know yourself - thats to me.

wobbly being shut down is verbal abuse, just as my FW not even acknowledging anything I said was too. I would have to keep asking 'did you hear me?' I included that as unreasonable behaviour in my divorce petition.

Twas finding this thread that really made me understand.

wobbly, we are all here because our FWs behave in ways that are designed to make us feel inferior, inadequate, confused, self-blaming. You belong here just as much as anyone else.

You know, I always notice you when you come onto threads. I feel for you, because you sound so sad and hopeless. And I think that we have felt similarly as each other at times. We all care about each other here, y'know , and when someone wants to say anything about their day, serious or trivial, happy, sad or any other emotion, we all want to listen. Because we happen to be capable of empathy!

So if you want to talk, you'll find us good company.

pony, so sorry to hear about your day, but echoing other's advice to let the emotions roll over you, watch them and own them and know they won't be there forever. Hope you had a good afternoon with your lovely ds1.

matchsticks, I don't know how counselling helps us not fall for abusers in the future. I'm looking forward to finding out! I've heard advice not to go into another relationship for 4 years after leaving an abusive one, has anyone else heard that?

Hope you're ok Curtis and had a good time with your DS. What a FW your FW is! and if you really need somewhere to clean my home is a shithole

Nothing is good here, bad on all fronts. Work, home, NSDH, DD, studying. Just not got the energy to write about it.

And happy 11 weeks anniversary Leclerc

Thank you ladies.
Had an ok day, nice time with DS1, less nice time picking up DS2 from FW, cried again (woops), but because I was so upset, and he's blaming me ('it's over because you are doing this', 'you can't be that heartbroken, it is you that is doing this'), sounding and being so reasonable, totally spagheady.
Fi, I need to reach that point where it all just slides off me. I can see it for what it is, but at the moment it still feels like a barb going in, it still hurts. I have, however, sent that email to the solicitor. Not sure how I feel about that, but it needs to be done. I currently have a bedroom stacked full of binbags - even more of my stuff that FW had bagged up and stacked in the porch for me. Despite our conversation earlier. So, I need to start moving and stop letting him do what he wants.

wobbly, definitely agree with everyone else. There's a profile in the Lundy book of someone like that, I'm sure. It is disrespectful, hugely so, and it is done with the deliberate intention of putting you down and devaluing you. Sorry you are experiencing it.

Willing to do all cleaning going (my mum would be amazed!!!!) - I've been using Christmas as a distraction, and as a result I've been getting comments on how amazingly organised I am (cards all written and sent a week ago!!!!). Am dreading not having it to focus on, so happy to come round and clean! Still no ironing though, I'm not that far gone yet.