Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships: 13

[CharlotteCollinsislost]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page1.htm heart to heart]] a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

[ponygirlcurtis]

Just had another read through the Losers article. Just terrifying how accurate it is. FW proposed to me after we had been seeing each other for about 4 months. I think the only two on that list of 20 that don't really apply are the Bad Stories - he used to be a bouncer though, and had plenty of stories about that - and the Reputation - only because he doesn't have any friends and doesn't see much of his family so I was never introduced to anyone who would tell me this stuff.

This quote jumped out at me that I didn't pick up on before:
Remember, if your prize dog jumps the fence and escapes, if you get him back you build a higher fence. Once back in the grasp of "The Loser" - escape will be three times as difficult the next time.

Makes me very glad that I didn't decide to go back, thinking I'd just leave again if I still wasn't happy. That was a very real option for a while.

[ponygirlcurtis]

Leclerc, the deluding comes from a good place within you, from a desire to believe the good in people however much contrary evidence, and the desire to make things safe and ok for your children by pretending all is fine. The veil is now totally lifted and you see him for what he is now. It's not pretty, but better to know than to go on as you were.

Fi, I have a long list of unsent emails (now joined by the recent addition that I wrote earlier this week but now will not send). It helps just get it out sometimes (although I do most of that on here now!).

[ForSaletotheHighestBidder]

Hi all, it's so horrible reading everyone's incidents and stories and issues and identifying with so much of it. You guys are doing so great though!

Have had a bad few days since I last posted, am just exhausted and struggling to keep my head above water. It's very hard not to just lapse into depression and give up the fight completely. Coming on here boosts me up though, thanks all.

I've arranged for FW and I to see an addiction counsellor tomorrow, he has surprisingly agreed to attend. What he doesn't realise is that it's an assessment for alcohol addiction with a view to being admitted for treatment. This is my last shot - perhaps I am naive but I really feel that the EA is largely driven by his drinking patterns and the resulting mood swings. Also by the addiction and the resulting lying/ abuse/ protectiveness/ defensiveness/ refusal to admit any fault whatsoever and pushing it back on me every time. The last counsellor I saw explained some of the brain chemistry involved in alcohol addiction and apparently it pretty much removes their empathy, which explains a lot.

I am sure if I was reading this and someone else was posting it I'd be rolling my eyes and saying "FFS woman can you not see the writing on the wall, he will never be the person you want him to be, get the fuck out as soon as possible!". It's so hard to know what the right thing to do is when you are in the thick of it.

Glad I've got that off my chest! On the assumption that the counselling session tomorrow doesn't cause some kind of miracle, my plan is to leave in the new year with the children. Plans afoot.

to all.

[MaggieMay05]

Hi all-20/20 for Maggie May on that loser list oh and the physical violence section also thrown in as a bonus. Scary when laid out like that hey

In other news it has been an almighty weekend of fwitery here. Will write properly later and catch up with everyones posts. He basically wants me and kids out of his house and will even hire a van and load it with our stuff apprantely-if I didn't know him better I would jump at the chance-this however is him testing the waters-flexing his muscles -literally- so to speak-so if I were to say yes etc etc he would go mental and all hell would break loose. No thanks-ill do it my way stupid FW-and leave when he least expects it-safely. How have you ladies that have left got any tips on the day you left? I have done it so many times in the past by just getting kids into car and racing off to my mums-this time I'm doing it for the last time and going to our new house (hopefully). I know ill need to leave some sort of note/letter etc but what do I write and how do I go about leaving? He works shifts so is hard to plan ahead but know as soon as I have our new home any fwierty in the new year could be my excuse to go. If I had any balls I'd be one of those women that does a runner on xmas day! Roll on 2013 ladies-new year-new beginnings for us all hey?!

[NicknameTaken]

Maggie May, why do you need to leave a note? When I left, I intended to do so, but I was too scared to draft it in advance in case he found it, and the day I was leaving I had enough other things to worry about without finding the right words.

Just go. He'll figure it out.

[arthriticfingers]

What Nickname says, *Maggie, nor do you need another excuse..

[NicknameTaken]

Also, once you've got the house, you don't have to wait for fuckwittery to give you the push. I can understand the incentive - I found it quite hard to leave on the day I did, because my ex was in a good mood and had given me a hug that morning - but I think it's easier if you start thinking of it as a done deal.

If you need to wait for fuckwittery, you'll be leaving at a time when you're flustered, at greater risk of forgetting something important, and possibly at a time when he is particularly aggressive and suspicious. Take the initiative, and just go. I can guarantee you that soon enough he'll be behaving in such as a way as to make you relieved you're out of the house (once the begging phase has passed).

If someone has trampled all over and oppressed you, you really don't owe them when it comes to your exit. Runaway slaves never sat down with their owners to say "Thanks for feeding and housing me all this time, boss, but now it's time for me to depart".

[ponygirlcurtis]

Forsale, good luck for tomorrow, how did you get on viewing houses?

Maggie - I wrote a note on the day, then wrote a different one and left that instead. I was kinder/less accusatory in the second note. Wish I'd left the first instead (I still have it, keep it in my knicker drawer!!!!). But it was really, really hard to get my head together. I wrote one because I was moving to my parents' house, a five-minute walk away, and I didn't want him to come there looking for me so I needed him to know I'd gone and why. I agree, you don't need to leave a note - or if you feel you, all you need to write is 'I have gone for good' or something.

And no, you don't need for him to exhibit any FWittery to go - you can go as soon as you like once you've got the house sorted (or at any time before it, in all honesty!).

Was trying to explain to my mum earlier what happened for me & FW to be 'over' - and you know, I couldn't remember what actually happened. Had to come back on here and look back at what I'd written. I think this is it: he pushed boundaries (kept asking to see me), I sent an irate email telling him to stop it, he sent an ever snottier one back and started being all FWitty over DS1 coming up. I sent an email trying to confirm arrangements and he decided to stop me seeing the girls. Maybe that's why it still feels unreal, because after all that he's done and all I've been through, this seems like a drop in the ocean, something so minor to split up over. Argh. Can't wait to be out tonight!!!! No idea what I'll wear though, so long since I went anywhere, might be a hoodie and a pair of trackie bottoms.

[MaggieMay05]

Thanks for those words of wisdom ladies-i literally do feel like a runaway slave. How did you all sort out stuff like child maintanence etc? I already have set up a secret bank account that I want it to be paid into. Did you make a private agreement or just go directly through CSA? He earns about £2300 take home pay per month (of which I see none) so I think he would need to give me about £300-400? I won't know what to do with it! I currently have to make a list of stuff that's needed for the kids and he will then "approve" it and go and buy it. I'm not allowed to go to the shop for the family stuff. For my own stuff-monthly hormone time stuff etc, that has to go on my own credit card

[PrincessFionne]

Hey Maggie I left in the middle of one of his rages (so he can't remember why I left and neither can I!), I just know that DC crying and screaming at him to stop, so I walked. I know why I left, and you can just say EA. nodding with Leclerc use your ink (and energy) for your tenancy agreement or xmas cards . No timing/explanations required, if you're ready & its safe, go & be free and happy.

[TryBreatheFly]

Nickname I loved your: "Just Go. He'll figure it out"

Interesting to hear advice re leaving notes. I am also in quandary. From reading the Joe Carver stuff, am thinking of writing "I feel it is time to set you free from my awfulness. A great man like you needs to fly and seek fresh pastures" HAHAHA

The interesting thing I found re the Joe Carver info...oh fuck I've forgotten mid sentence mum brain or EA'd brain?

Leclerc you sound really down [choc]. You stayed because you believe in human decency and love. And from your relationship you have beautiful dcs who are your life and always will be.

[TryBreatheFly]

ForSale there's no eye rolling on here my love - only our fws treat distressed people like that . You have to go through your own steps just as we all do. And I guess there are some addicts who come good and that's the hope you have.

Maggie so sorry you've had a fwittery weekend . YY re him testing waters - I've had that too ("Oh, I'll just leave now shall I / I won't come back then, will I?") and it's like a nasty little trap. We're like prisoners blinking in the light, knowing we'll be tripped up as we step over the threshold

[PrincessFionne]

Maggie CSA arrangement I would think depends on whether you want ot have anything at all to do with him anymore (in my experience it was just another thing to be threatened over when there was private arrangement - was relief to get CSA involved and they worked very quickly, although it took some while for back payment to arrive) if that helps?

[PrincessFionne]

Can we put a link in here for a new thread (14) before it closes please?

[Bertiebassett]

Hi ladies...thinking of you all very much at the moment. Somehow the run up to Christmas makes it all seem harder doesn't it?

I thought I'd share with my first experience of mediation via email. FW and I were told by the formidable dragon mediator to 'sort out Christmas' by email today.
It was an interesting process.

There were some excellent examples of FWittery...his latest attack on me is to suggest that as I have succumbed to pneumonia twice in the past 6 months I am unable to care for DS or take him on the longish journey to see my family at New Year. I had been to see my doctor today to ask his advice and he said I'd be fine by new year. I also tend to break up the journey anyway and stay overnight halfway there so it wouldn't be too strenuous.

I related this information back via email during the mediation process today. FW completely ignored it! He kept going on about DS being at risk if I fell ill again. It's almost as if he wants me to be really ill so he can take DS from me. It was horrible to read the things he was writing. I tried to be really logical in my responses. The mediator finally pointed out to him that my doctor approved of me making the journey and he therefore had no right to object... and then she basically ignored every irrelevant comment he made from then on. I also tried the method of offering two alternatives...one that I wanted, and the other which was really over the top. It worked! FW went for the more reasonable option which was my preference anyway. I'm wondering if this could be a useful approach in the future..

Anyway...the conclusion is that we have agreed what we are doing over the Christmas holiday. I will be without my beloved DS for 4 days but I guess I'll have to get used to these periods of separation.

But all in all the mediation was a success. FW has a strict schedule that he must now stick to (everything is arranged down to the precise hour) which relieves my anxiety immensely. It's the denial and the 'changing his mind' that upsets me, so having a schedule like this really helps.

Super mediator lady strikes again!

Next Monday is the rescheduled mediation session on finance and house. This is the big one! I hope it gets sorted...I would like to know by Christmas whether I will need to move or not. It would be lovely to be able to start making plans for the future...

[foolonthehill]

hey bertie...i am glad you have real solid plans to go on.

Mediation achieved nothing for us...but only because FW continued to F around...mediator was BRILLIANT...absolutely saw him for what he was and pulled no punches..without ever actually saying he was an entitled twat (we saw her separately due to DV).

Let's hope she can wave her magic wand over finances/house too.

well done you for making it work.

[foolonthehill]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1633756-Support-thread-for-those-in-emotionally-abusive-relationships-14?msgid=35927727#35927727

as you have commanded...so it is done.....shazam (disappears back into the lamp until needed again)

[CharlotteCollinsislost]

Hey, LeClerc! You calling me scum?

[foolonthehill]

can they all have choice? I wish they all could. It will be very difficult for them to see mummy come for DD1 and then drive off.

If the others must stay is there a way she could get into a taxi for the first bit of the journey even if it's just 1 mile? I can't imagine the fall out from having to leave with only one DC unless they are all desperate to stay there.

This is a genuine question because mine are all smaller but in law DD1 would have choice DS would have less (yet he is only one year younger, DD2 probablly none and yet she is only 15 months younger than him,and so on(,....don't faint...they are all very close in age...body still recovering).