Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships: 13

[CharlotteCollinsislost]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page1.htm heart to heart]] a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Charlotte - yes, that's probably how he'll be. Until he realises you are serious, then the big guns will come out. My NSDH would do something similar - I might say I was unhappy and didn't know how we could keep going like this. He'd say, quietly and seriously - 'So, where will you go?' I think that was designed to frighten me into thinking he was ok with me leaving, so I wouldn't do just that, IFSWIM. And it did frighten me, even though leaving hadn't been what I'd been talking about. Remember that it's all manipulation, they'll say whatever they need to in order to get you to do what it is they want at that time (stay/come back), they can be great actors - one minute quiet, caring, 'are you ok?', the next minute loud, angry, bullish, 'you need your head seeing to, I'm calling the doctor'. It's easier, I find, if you think of it all as acting, even the nice stuff. You can never know what is and what isn't, so best assume it all is.

Sorry, rant!!!

Ok, I need some help/advice/kick up the bum. I haven't heard from NSDH at all since Wednesday night. I don't know what to do/think/feel. It's almost as if because I haven't heard from him, I can't believe that it's finally over. I'm so used to his being the final say on things, maybe I'm waiting on his say-so that we're over? Maybe that's why I feel so nothing and numb, because I can't believe it's over because I haven't had his 'confirmation'?

I have written him an email about how I feel, but I haven't sent it. I have written an email to my solicitor asking to start things moving towards official separation, but I haven't sent it. I don't know what to do. I kind of want to send the email to him, but I don't know what it will achieve. Maybe nothing, but I'm hoping it would give some kind of feeling of closure for me, that I've said my last piece on how he's treated me (and I also say that I want to continue seeing the girls, haven't contacted their mum yet but will today). I both want to and don't want to send the email to the solicitor, I'm scared to get things started. But I'm scared that he's already speaking to solicitors and I'm losing ground, but not sure if it works like that.

I'm scared I could go on like this, doing nothing, feeling nothing, for days. I'm not seeing him again till Sunday morning. I want to be strong when I see him and know what I'm doing/saying/feeling. At the moment, i just don't know. I can be normal and feel normal (like at toddler group yesterday) but when I'm on my own again I just feel confused. Help!!!!

...'I can't believe its over because I haven't had his 'confirmation'' - courage of convictions here - Is it over Pony - because the thing that matters it is over for you?

Be patient with yourself you will feel differntly and get use to it. Its all new, your new horizon! [Fsmile]. Everything will wait for you until you are ready.

ha ha! good moaning indeed....

pony now is the beginning of a journey to being you...a bit scary, yes; a bit lonely, sometimes; fulfilling, definitely. There is little bit of growing up and growing on that needs to be done in all of us.

don't send the email to FW...now you really need to make up your mind to detach and concentrate on yourself, your friends and RL support (and us of course ). If you are really going to be free then you have to access the freedom, try not to be the one who ever initiates any contact except in total necessity. let him wonder about how you are managing. Playact normal (I mean real normal not the pretend people we become around FWs) eventually it will be for real.

OTOH send the solicitor email, as and when you are ready (mind ready, not emotions ready...don't trust those for a while). you can't really be left behind on this one...after all if he serves papers on you you can just say yes absolutely and sign the papers.

leclerc you don't need the insight, you KNOW what is going on in the "other camp"...it's called F'wittery. I suspect it will end up as a source of greater stress and pressure. You need to communicate yourselfwith the children's grandparents on FW side, so your children continue to have an independent relationship with them but not about FW or what is happening with him. Ask your DF to concentrate on supporting you and the DGCs if it's possible to do so [bossy emoticon]

I know you are right, Fi, but I thought I would feel differently if it was 'over', I thought I would know, have a deep conviction, feel it within me or something. I keep waiting for his text saying something like 'let's not be hasty, please give me another chance'. Maybe I'm just upset that he seems to be ok with it being over after all this. (And I know that's just plain daftness, because if I did get a text like that I'd be annoyed at him, having given him so many chances already, and probably feel even more conflicted than I do already.)

My friend (who is a counsellor) said the same, not to rush, don't worry if I can't send an email to the solicitors just yet. I guess you are both right, but I can't help feeling that I should be doing something. Nothing else feels any different. It's just the same as it was, but only now this 'thing' has been said out loud. There have been no loud clanging bells, no great weeping, no feelings of relief, no announcements made - the only people that know are you lot and my bessie mate.

I just feel confused, I guess. I don't know who I am right now. I keep clinging on to the memories of all my ex's family, who I got on so well with. At ex-MIL's funeral in March, one of ex's (many) uncles came up to me, one who'd lived in the same village as us so we saw him regularly and he would look after my cat if we were away. When he saw me, his eyes filled with tears and he pulled me in for a big bear hug (they are all enormous Irish farming men). And then he whispered in my ear: 'You're much better than the new one' - meaning ex's girlfriend (who isn't new, he's been with her pretty much since we split 5 years ago)! I was both touched and saddened by that - I miss who I was when I was with ex. That's who I want to get back to. I don't know this person I am at the moment. Or maybe, I want to move on and find out who I'm going to be next, drawing on all the experiences I've had in my life, both good and bad. I don't know who she is going to be.

Sorry again for long post, feeling sad and maudling, crying now.

ponygirl you could try coin tossing over whether to send the sol email - heads you do, tails you don't. The point of this is not to have chance determine what you do, but to pay close attention to what you feel about the choice the coin makes. Are you pleased or disappointed with it coming up heads? This feeling can be v fleeting, so monitor yourself carefully.

maudling? Maudlin. And thanks as well fool. You are right. As ever. I appreciate your words.

That's not a bad idea, Silver, I've done that kind of thing before to try and find out what I really want. Might try that later when I feel a bit better. Thanks.

That deep conviction will come, pony. It will just take a bit more time to get there.

So you don't know what to do today? Definitely don't send anything to fw. Don't send the solicitor email if you don't want to. How about having a thing about what YOU would like to do with the next hour or two that's not connected in the slightest to fw or separation from fw or anything fwitty?

think not thing. Clearly.

Just been to the doctor to explain all my concerns about the dcs. He seemed supportive, certainly listened attentively, but basically thinks it's all so wrapped up in the dysfunctional family life that I have to just wait and see. Which is fair enough, really. The next few months could get quite a bit worse for them before it's starts to feel better. If it ever does - if they were in denial about his behaviour (hadn't recognised it as bad, I mean), they may take a long long time to accept the change.

Deep breaths!

starts to feel better for them, I mean.

Bad day - not proofreading my posts, eating half-pack of Pringles while I type! Two signs that I'm not coping today!

Sorry to see your having a tough time Pony Don't rush into any decisions, give yourself a little time to think about life going forward, make pro/cons lists if it helps, plan for yours and DCs future. When I seen the doctor the last thing he said to me is that its time to start living for yourself again and not for FW, its true so many of us live for our FW and by their rules whether we realise it or not. As already mentioned, I would say just act normal around FW, in classic fwitery behaviour I think he is playing mind games with you and waiting and watching for you to crack-he doesn't think you can make it on your own, he wants you to keep contacting him, continuing to play games with your emotions-but you can do it alone, you already are doing a fab job, you are strong and have already got to this stage my lovely. Don't doubt yourself, take time to think, be kind to yourself and the decisions will then just come naturally to you. Would it be a possibility you could relocate to your DS1s families village to live? You sound like you were so happy there and would have an amazing support network...just a thought. Take care x

Hi Pony sorry to hear things are tough. Maggie I agree 100% with everything you said to pony. I thought as well that your fw (pony) is definitely playing the silence game. They know us well, the bastards. Whether or not he wants it to be over, he will want you to writhe. Slowly you'll come to the realisation deep down (ie not just at rational level) that it's you who's in charge and can give yourself permission to leave the relationship in the past where you really do want it to be. He's having one last fling at maniplulating you. He's very clever at it; they all are. (BTW I'm a bloody fine one to talk, I also am sub consciously waiting for permission to leave but easier to see outside of oneself IFSWIM!) [choc] strength to you and hugs.

Charlotte glad your doc listened properly. Also rather jealous of the pringles, yum. And the Galaxy far far away leclerc

BTW has The Silver Commune of Meditation, Wine and Chocolate sent a directive to NC? Hello Fi, what a lovely name

Good Moaning

Or ...?

Yes sorry Fi meant to say I love the new name!! Promise not to address you as Princess!!

The Good Luck Fairy must have dropped some of her magic pixie dust on me by accident this morning, I have only received an email from an estate agent saying that he can set me up a viewing on a house for saturday 15th and all my circumstances are ok. Am in shock after dealing with so many other judgemental estate agents. The house will probably be a shack now but anything better than staying with FW. DD seen me looking at photos of the house, I never said anything but she started crying saying she wanted to stay with daddy etc etc how on earth do i deal with moving her out? She is 3 years old but a clever one and knows whats been happening - he regularly lets her down - am just worried she now sees this as normal behaviour for a family and is going to blame me for taking her away from her daddy (her daddy who just last night promised her he would be home to read her a bedtime story but didnt roll in until 12am stinking of drink despite only going to the shop for a newspaper )

Even though I know I have to get me and DC out of this situation I admit I am so scared for the next step of this awful journey

Hi ,I have been lurking for a while, not having the courage to post. I don?t have much courage these days anyway and I used to be such a feisty person
All that long gone.
I am married and deeply unhappy. I work full time, have a DS and do absolutely everything at home. DH doesn?t lift a finger.
I used to ask for help but being accused that I moan, I have given up and decided it is easier to do everything myself.
I cannot disagree with DH on any subject as he sees it as arguing so I have become an Yes and arse licking person just to avoid conflict for DS sake.
If my old self emerges at any time and I dare to disagree, I am being told to F off and shouted at and silent treatement for the rest of the week. Hate to put DS through this and feel guilty for not just submitting, I feel that I have caused it.
I could go on but it is just too much.
I am sad as I am afraid to leave him not to upset DS . I know it is better for DS in the long run if I leave but I am just a shadow of my old self? happy, confident. I don't have much family, Mum passed away this year.Very sad, loved her dearly (crying)
I am respected and appreciated at work, so sad I now look forward to Mondays. I carry on because of DS and work (self esteem booster and to keep busy).. everything else I could take or leave.
I know I should leave him NOW but I don?t know what is wrong with me ?.. I have booked myself into counselling next week,?. Thank you for listening

Not by accident, Maggie. It may be a shack (although maybe not), but it shows that there are opportunities to be had. If this house is available to you, others will be too. And you are right - your DD (and soon, your DS) see FW's behaviour as normal. FW is never going to change. The only way for them to experience life differently is for them to get away from him. By the time she is 5, she wont remember ever living with daddy, which is sad, but also good - I left my old home town when DS1 was 3, and he doesn't remember anything of our house there, or the people he saw every week from when he was born. (and I wish I could move back, but it's now 400miles away...)
I know you are scared sweetheart. But you are doing the right thing by looking to get out. (But knowing that doesn't make it any easier!)

TryBreatheFly - love the NC!

Charlotte - thinking of you (and your Pringles). Some days are tough. Have you made any decisions about the house yet?

Thank you all for your kind words. I suspect you are right, and he's deliberately not contacting me. I read a post on another thread this morning (on Lala's going forth one): It took me so long to see he didn't give a shit. I was shocked in the end how quick he moved on when it came down to it. There wasn't a bother on him. He played the victim/martyr to the end.
That's a bit how it feels right now, that really, he doesn't give a shit, he only cares about himself, and now I've ended it all pretense at caring for me will go. I think this may be true.

Anyway, apologies again for all my long posts, it's helping lots just to ramble a bit and get my thoughts out, it's helping me see things a bit more clearly. You're great, you lot, really you are.

Hey there sillyrubberduck, well done for finally posting. And welcome to the 'TFI Monday' club, we have all felt like that - the weekends can be awful, when they are around so much more.

I am so sorry to hear about all you have experienced, it's similar to my situation. But you are doing better than you give yourself credit for - you have posted on here, which is a big step towards recognising your situation and getting support. And you have arranged counselling for yourself, which is another really positive step. The situation you have found yourself in cannot be thrown off quickly or easily - or else you would have done it already. It requires baby steps to detangle and detach yourself. You have started your journey towards your goal of leaving. Keep posting, there is amazing support to be had from these wonderful brave women, all of us at different stages of our journey.

Take care.

Thank you ponygirl for your kind words, I will keep posting. I t is this thread that has inspired me and made me look for counselling in my area.
I want to understand why I let somebody do this to me, how I can feel better about myself and most of all how I can leave him without being convinced that I do my DS great damage by breaking the family .

Hello duck, sorry you have to be here, but welcome. Be kind to yourself - you know rationally that he's made you a shadow of your former self, but it's still easy to berate yourself for not leaping out immediately. Keep company with us; you may feel stronger in a few months.

Then again, it may be up and down all the time like it is with me! I'm feeling stronger now because my lovely pastor just called to see how I'm doing. Chatted a while, no judgment. He's great.

Maggie, how fantastic that you've got a possible house to look at! Do you think you'll be looking critically at cockroaches running around and shocking the estate agent by saying, "Mmm... still better than FW!" Hope it's a lot nicer than that!

And TryBreatheFly, love it. Could be our new mantra!

pony - letting agent is checking that the landlady thinks I'm ok for the house. She's keen on getting the right fit of tenant to house, it seems - the house was - oh, what do you call it when it was passed on to her in a will? That.

Ooh, I'm lurking on Lala's thread, too, avidly since I read about the wiping-down-the-Bumbo incident and thought nothing of it and was physically jolted by the reaction from mathanxiety and others. I think the post you quoted was the quite long one a day or two back which mathanxiety cheered as really powerful? I was cheering with her - it was brilliant!