Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships: 13

[CharlotteCollinsislost]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page1.htm heart to heart]] a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Oh, and I am not British, but of latin origins. I can be loud and can get passionate in conversations, maybe gesticulate. Oh the fun he makes of me, he tells me off and ridicules me for being so loud and his favourite insult for me so ?pathetic?. It brings me down, he tries to make me into a person I am not and it is so much easier to go along than to fight it .. for DS sake I keep telling myself and then it seems worth it.. all this putting up with it.
I can?t believe I am posting so much, it took me months to post. It all comes out, getting it off my chest !

Hey pony give yourself a gift of patience, allow yourself time. As fool says you will know, keep with the logic and not the emotions, just let the emotions come and go, and notice the worth /reason for what you are doing. I think its the hardest part to feel that actualy they didn't care/love/or know how to love/attach (a painful one to accept), but thats NOT ABOUT US, BUT THEM! (hate to use caps for emphasis, but the relationship was all about them).

thank you Maggie and trying for nice comments; happy in my new name (suits a better place for me too, fingers crossed).

Maggie your darling little one won't blame you lovely. She will still see her NSDF, will feel different (secure) in her new home, and will have a relaxed and happier mummy which she will benefit from enormously. They [DC] live in the 'now' of life, minute to minute, which is great, cos minute to minute you will be there, reliable, consistent and sharing good/bad times together. You are her rock to swim away from and come back to in stormy seas. The rest she will discover for herself.

rubberduck brave you, keep it up and more, pull up a cushion and settle in good company .

From trying... to ... flying.. is it time?

Considering that the Silver Commune of Mediation room could be a bit busy this morning (just gonna squeeze into the corner onto huge fluffy comfy cushion - mmmmmm.....ohmmm)...

stopped off on the way to mediation...

Charlotte fingers tightly crossed for you... can't wait to hear.

.. and, tears.. was feeling all bright and positive, but realise still pretty emotional too when I read this "wonderful brave women, all of us at different stages of our journey" - lovely words of encouragement to all Pony

Welcome Duckie!! Its good to post, you are in the right place, you will feel so much better talking about it and you will receive great advice and support on here too. This thread really has been my lifeline over the last few months and made me so much stronger, you too will get to that stage. I think all our FWs made us into what they wanted-i am now the little quiet woman who stays indoors all the time-before this all happened I used to be out and about all the time, I am from a big irish family so loved and enjoyed parties etc, now I don't even go, make excuses-or he does for me. Re DS and breaking the family up, I think this is something that weighs heavy on the minds of the mums on here, I still feel the guilt and how can I do it thoughts, probably stronger than ever the closer I get to leaving. I have no family living near me either so is going to be tough. But I know it will be for the best for me, my DD and DS (both under 4yrs old), not just from the advice that I have received on here but from my own childhood. My dad is now ex-EA but growing up he made my DMums life hell and mine and DBro-she stuck it out with my dad-still with him now as she didn't want to break up the family/upset us-did it make a difference? 100% NO-me and DBro still hate our dad even though he's now changed and although love DMum dearly resent her for keeping us in that situation our whole childhood. I even remember on more than one occassion when in our teens and understanding more me and DBro begging my mum to leave-she didn't. Fast forward to our 30s and both me a DBro have now been trapped in EA/PA/FA relationships-DBro has escaped (no kids) but I am still trapped. The thought of my DC ending up like me and DBro or even becoming like FW and treating someone else like that in their adult lives keeps me going to escape. Its a hard long process so take it little by little. Only recently after I spoke to Dmum and Dbro about my FW situation we explained to my DMum how unhappy our childhood was-she was shocked-she thought she was doing the right thing by staying things could have been so different if she had had that courage all those years ago. Keep strong Duckie, read the links at the top of the page and start detaching. Take care

Havn't had a chance to catch up on the last few posts, but fingers crossed for you Charlotte, and a big hello to Duck. Will aim to catch up over the weekend.

A friend of NSDH's has just announced his wife is pregnant with their second. NSDH's first response? "Well at least someone's getting some."

Found out yesterday I'm being forced to move offices at work for the second time in as many years, to a really shitty place, no consultation. We have to be gone this time next week, and bearing in mind last time we moved it took 3 months to pack up all our paperwork, I'm more than a little stressed. Work is shit, home is shit, studying is shit. It's all shit.

Thank you all. It is great to be here. I am off to my work Xmas part, one of the rare occasions when I am out without FW
I will make the most out of it and will catch up with you all tomorrow. Thank you for being so welcoming ! I feel I am on the right path and already feeling more positive

Hi all... just felt I too should say something as I have been lurking on this thread for far too long, Duckie I could really empathise with your post, I too have got into the habit over many years of doing anything just to keep the peace... with me, I am sure that part of the problem was my mother who was often very confrontational and aggressive and never did any housework without complaining loudly, ie slamming pots and pans and cutlery around when she had to clean the kitchen and I resolved never to be like that... and DH knows this so I am never allowed to complain about having to wait on him hand and foot... it is habit now after so many years. Maggie I love the concept of 'detaching' and that seems to be the only way forward. So sorry to hear about what you and DBro went through growing up.

I need a plan to detach myself... we have 2 kids, DS already at uni and DD going next year, so this has been going on since FOREVER. In retrospect I see how things have escalated over the years. I am not working at the moment and I really want to wait until DD is decided on where she wants to go to uni next year it's been great to have this time with her and it's really helped her I think to have me here to help with uni applications etc. DH used to complain all the time when I was working. Now he complains (and really is quite nasty to me) because I'm not working. I know I need to get my head sorted out, I just feel little inclination to look for a job now, the money situation isn't a problem now but eventually it will be. He found my CV the other day and he picked it up and said 'this is sht' etc and such comments, but when I challenged him to make it better he was very vague... it is just rude and unhelpful, and he constantly saps my confidence by telling me I'm not very good at what I do (We are in the same profession), but I am wondering if I am using his general b** attitude to justify not trying? In the past, when I've managed to get a good job and make him 'proud' of me he's been OK, but I'd really like to change fields. When I tried to do a teacher training course a few years ago he made life so difficult I had to quit the course. Obviously it was my choice to quit (and it was the right thing to do, his stipulation for agreeing to let me do the course was that it must not infringe on his time at home and I needed to do do assignments etc at night no way could I do the work) but I haven't worked since then, just seem to have lost the will.

I have an idea to sell the house and take my half of the money and buy a flat... but how can I achieve this plan without his agreement?? He's constantly complaining about the house and the area we live in (nothing wrong with it, great area but often he cannot find a parking space as it's all on-street and he hates that) so he has 'threatened' me, as he knows I love the house/area that if I don't get a job by Christmas we're going to have to sell the house. Well- the other day I said, OK that is fine by me. (evil grin)! What he doesn't know is that I have no intention of moving out to the countryside with him like he wants to do.

Today is our 22nd anniversary... he forgot, but when I reminded him he just said that it was a hallmark-card sort of thing that wasn't important to him. TBH it isn't that important to me to get a gift or anything but a bit of basic human decency would be nice! Sorry to rant but it's been sort of comforting to read about others' experiences and it's been a nice afternoon in front of the computer not expecting a surprise delivery of flowers!

haha! Merci bien Leclerc, you've made my day!

Oh, your poor mum, Maggie, to be told what she thought was the best thing really wasn't. Does she feel guilty? At least you and DBro are wising up now and hopefully not too late for the next generation. And I'm glad your father is not as he was, for your dm's sake.

Nini. I don't know what to say. Hoping for some lovely hugs from your dd. Here, have a virtual ((hug)) too. Oh, and I'm on your behalf at fw's comment. They like to bring us back down to earth with a bump, don't they?

Have heard nothing back from the agent yet. Which is good in a way - I'd like things to move a bit slowly as I don't want to move in till halfway through January!

I have got my new card for my freedom bank account, though!

Yay Charlotte!

Leclerc is it you who has been having counselling? Sorry I can't quite remember. I have emailed our local clouds counselling service for an appointment. Was wondering if you find it helps? I feel like I need re-programming to worry more about what I think rather that what he does.

hey Matchstick sounds like you know what you need to think about now! re-programming, yep and you're reprogramming yourself already from what you say. Good luck with the local Clouds. there are lots of different ones about as recommended by theladies here, but most important is whether your one is helping you (and understands abusive relationships, from what I've gathered so far).

I gave them a short summary of why I want to see someone and hope they find me someone sympathetic. As sexist as it sounds, I want to see a woman.

How does it work though? How exactly do you change the way someone thinks? How will I avoid getting into this kind of relationship again? I feel like I will never let my guard down again.
Ex still trying to bully me now. He found out that I am not accepting his minimal offer and has accused me of being greedy and trying to scare me saying we will have to fight it out in court, I won't get as much as I think I will etc.

You have a solicitor advising you that he's wrong don't you? and you will have a counsellor if they're good telling you he's wrong, lying and to be ignored... and we're all trying on here to learn that message for ourselves (I know I felt like the only one who believed him), well now I don't. It does change, bit by bit. I think its us that needs to change to be able to have the clarity to avoid relationships that repeat those old patterns.

.. and i don't think its sexist to want a female counsellor after the male abuse you've experienced. I feel the same. I think our ex's will probably always continue to try to bully unless they do some changing too. Manage this relationship finish before worrying about what another might bring and enjoy the freedom to consider yourself and live in peace b4 going into another so that you know it wouldn't happen again.

Yes, my solicitor is excellent and assures me the law is on my side. What worries me is he had the house and the pensions before we married and we were only married 6 years. The dc are the only factor in my favour.

remember Matchsticks - and a mantra for me too - nothing stays the same. You have already moved and changed by getting to this point that you are now. Be patient with your feelings and let them tell you what you want and don't want. I don't know about Cloud, but my WA advisor understands well teh role of abuser & abused, better than I did, which gave me insights. Insights bring change.

I don't know about house/pensions situation, but if your solicitor saying be assured as the law is on your side, thats good enough for me. Sounds secure situation. The solicitor knows that you were married 6 years and house and pensions all b4 marriage presumably.

the FW thats supposed to be out of my life is busy playing a game of setting DC against me, writing/texting/phone calls, all making direct arrangements and that I havn't agreed to after crazy behaviour and now absolutely disgusted with me that I have called a halt to week night meet ups because of all the disruption hes caused. I am getting passed caring tho right now (I don't know if thats depression tho ) and real weary of him even thinking I am the faintest bit interested in him feeling he can share his opinion with me!?!?! Wot a dick TBH. He must think I give a damn what he thinks, and I really use to, but nah!

matchsticks I'm having counselling...have been since January (can't believe it's almost a year that I've been living this half life).
The success of any counselling depends on the skill of the counsellor. I'm lucky...mine is great...but I've had some truly awful ones in the past.
The way she managed to change my thinking is by listening to me recount FWs behaviour and then asked me how I reacted and how it makes me feel. I've come to understand a lot about my own automatic responses to his FWittery....and how my fears of what he might do if I'm assertive are just that...fears.
I find its really helped me deal with his constant threats and emotional blackmail. I'm leaning that the threats are empty and that I am actually able to say 'no' to the blackmail.
I still have my wobbles (especially when I have PMT for some reason!) when I struggle to ignore him or say 'no' and I engage in his stupid behaviour...but it's getting easier. It's all about knowledge...knowledge is power and all that.

Hi Match and Fi, hope you're ok (ish) and all else on here too

Thats I think we may be sharing a husband? Shall we get rid In all seriousness, I recognise SO much in what you say and wish you strength. Onwards and upwards on this thread.

What's Clouds BTW? I had a quick search and came up with the Cloud Appreciation Society - bless but don't think it's what you're referring to but sounds nice for the Silver Commune Mediation Room. My name's trying and tonight I bring to the table [choc] and [dreams] (oh and [nonsense])

Meditation btw not effing mediation Fuck that!