Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships: 13

[CharlotteCollinsislost]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page1.htm heart to heart]] a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hi Hilde wow you are amazing and such a strong and great mum. You have done the best thing for your dcs and I pray I will hold onto my strength to do the same.

FW being normal right now which is really fucking with my head. I haven't signed the contract on flat yet... tell me to sign it, please push my arse forward girls

Tigris God well done a million times over for your escape. Congratulations and best wishes for speedy healing and a healthy move forward from now. I am off to look for your previous thread to cheer your escape and take inspiration from it.

Red that's EXACTLY what mine is like, they are all cut from the same cookie cutter, even down to similar tv hogging and the programmes they watch, even the things they say. I WISH this thread had been in my life 20 years ago.

Fool the song was fab, I listened to it twice. I'm going to download it to my trusty iphone for my secret wild drives (to the supermarket ) May I offer in return:

That song resonates in my mind all the time at the moment.

pony re your spagheady, I really understand what you mean. We can't just switch off emotions like a tap, even after we've put our brain in charge. Also pressing himself against you under the umbrella was going over the boundary you've set up without your permission - totally ignoring your wishes, these fws and their cookie patterns, it's unbelievable once we start comparing notes, no wonder the fws feel threatened by female solidarity.

I agree there should be a for Fool.

thanks for link fool

Tigris amazing feeling heh to be free and to have peace in your own company at last - An inspiration to us all especially flying to get her 'arse' outta there too ;) sign that contract - its the beginning of the end, and a big step towards happiness, long-term.

yes fool all of those things here (eyes down for full house) - the 2nd guessing, eggshells, etc- its so wearing, does it take long to wear off?

So good that your dc's have shared the acts of their Dad's awful emo guilt that he tried to lay on them Hilde. They turn into even bigger children when it comes to the kids and try to make them feel pity for them. So sad that children readily take it on and worry about their parents which is why he/they all have to GROW UP!!! and stop behaving like selfish brats, and let their children be children while they keep their own emotions to themselves (and take it to the programme - 'sorry'?, yeah right!).

take care all, stay safe and be kind to yourselves.

tigris can't find your thread but am anyway full of admiration, what an extreme situtation you must have escaped from, I can only guess.

Shriek you're 100% right , I am only managing this giant scary thing by baby steps and keeping my eyes tightly squeezed shut IYSWIM. You take care too.

Thanks for your welcomes.

I find myself now not knowing what to do now? I knew for about 15 months that what was starting to happen was not right, I knew for about 10 months that I should leave and I knew for about 7 months I HAD to leave. I didn't plan past leaving and now feel a bit lost.

After a particularly bad week of abuse about 7 months ago I decided I had to leave. I had no job, was not allowed any access to money, only allowed out accompanied not left alone at home, passports locked away, no internet access (even though there was a computer at home), no phone of my own, only allowed to speak to my sister with my husband listening.

I decided in my head then that I was leaving. didn't know when or who but I was going. I submitted to my husband and his family, to hopefully gain a small amount of freedom. His parents didn't like me, they often said I was too 'western' and they and my husband tried to beat it out of me i suppose? My parents were Iraqi (they have now both passed away) but I was born in the UK, I lived in Iraq from the ages of 8-11 and after qualifying as a nurse I lived and worked in Iraq for 2.5 years before returning to the UK.

After trying to please them all for this 7 month, cooking how they anted, cleaning how and when they liked it being a general slave, only speaking when spoken to, ensuring I prayed 5 times daily (I normally did just one of the daily prayers), admitting the error of my ways and vowing to fix them, submitting to my husbands sexual advances whenever he wished and the like. The abuse was still there but instead of daily it went to every 2 days at first eventually moving to sporadic, which was in a way worse as it often came out of the blue. but after a couple of months I was left home alone- parents-in-law were away for a few days. Our daughter was sleeping (she is now 18months) and my husband wanted cigarettes, he couldn't wait.

I told him to go and get some, that we would be fine here, he sent me, probably thinking I would of course return due to my daughter (he was obviously correct). The shop was at the end of the of the street, 30 seconds away. I was instructed to be no longer than 3 minutes, given the correct amount of money. I ran so fast to the shop, got his cigarettes and ran back. Part of me wanted to take the whole 3 mins just to saviour them but I had to play the long game. I was a minute. I made him think I couldn't be away from him for too long.

After this I was slowly allowed to be left alone at home for increasing amounts of time- at first without my baby and after with her. I had a hour or so alone before but that wouldn't be enough time to get away so they couldn't find me. I just had to wait.

Anyway, I am aware this is now getting long and might be hard to read and everyone has their own problems.

My point is I left in the clothes I had on, as did my baby, I have my passports a little moony that is fast running out which I got from Taking (my own) jewellery and selling it to buy plane tickets/taxi fares.

I planned to leave but not what to do after. I don't know how to re-build my life especially when I don't even know who I am anymore.

if you managed to read. I feel I need to get it out of my head somewhere where I can see it to get some perspective/make it real

Phew, that's some feat, Tigris, I am in awe! Have you contacted Women's Aid (presuming you're in UK)? They should be able to help you get back on your feet in terms of practicalities and to get proper emotional support?

Tigris you are incredible , that is so brave . You will find yourself again , your daughter will have such a better life now with you , now you can make plans and do whatever you like . Hope Ur remaining family are helping you

Wow, tigris, what you've been through sounds horrendous. What a brave, patient and wise woman you were in such difficult circumstances! Huge congratulations for getting out. I'm not surprised you feel rather lost now. Be kind to yourself: it will take a while. You will re-build your life a brick at a time.

I am staying with my sister at the moment. I am going to the refuge on monday as I really needed to be with my sister first of all. I feel quite safe at the moment as my husbands family don't have passports and I took his passport and dumped it on my journey.

I have told the home office should he try to get a visa. I am hoping womens aid gain also recommend a solicitor so I can divorce my husband but I am expecting it will not be that straightforward as he is not in the uk.

gain = can ?

Tigris You have incredible strength and have done by far the hardest thing by actually going, just stay safe now, and contact women's aid as others have mentioned,or any local abuse charity.

hilde I was risk assessed too, when she told me in her experience I was high risk it really brought it home. The advisor was the one who referred me and got me my free counselling, and although I've only done one session I am hopeful it will do me the world of good. I have some experience of the marac process if you have any questions feel free to PM me

My DS is away this weekend, FW knows this, and has asked me what my plans are, I'm seeing friends both nights, including going out for drinks and a curry sat night. I have told him my plans, because basically I have nothing to hide and if I don't I will get shit for it. Makes me sad though

I went to a cake class tonight, he obviously forgot, and I had missed calls, then a text saying 'are you ignoring me'.
He has to iow where I am and what I'm doing

iow know!!

Tigris, welcome. I saw your other thread, and had everything crossed for you. You are incredibly brave to have escaped, I am in awe. You said I think that you don't know who you are anymore, well I think we all feel lost like that, I know I do, but now you have the chance to be who you want to be. I wish you all the luck in the world for your new life.
Ps If by any chance you don't hear back from the Home Office I suggest you contact your local MP for help to ensure your letter gets to the right department.

I have only read your story in books before Tigris and your story made me go cold You have left behind you all the other ladies that have not 'yet' been as brave as you, but you are also following the trail of those that have done it before you. Maybe they have also been in touch with an organisation and have a network you could tap into? (mostly I imagine that sadly they might have to be a bit stealthy though?)

AS for what to do now! You are absolutely sure what you DON'T want which is the first HUGE step, well done indeed. Now just take care of yourself and your baby, take all the support you can get and you will rebuild everything, bit by bit. As flying says [managing this giant scarey thing in baby steps... eyes squeezed tight shut]. Be kind to yourself and your baby you've been through SOO much just to get out, and so much more before. Keep asking around for all the signposting to support agencies/charities and empower yourself day by day, keep talking about it and telling everyone.

Nice touch I thought - binning his passport! see how much you CAN do! even when fleeing, that one was a definite point to you, he he!

You will grow and move forward, take care of you both and really feel your new found freedom!

and thanks flying for wishes.

V. good point fool for MP contact.

ooops that should have read mrsOP not fool

yep hilde takes a lot of emo energy, courage, thought (requiring lots of sleep ;)

You have to protect, of course, if you have concerns you can't allow overnights, etc. So you put boundaries in for protection 'no sleepovers', but then children also need information to protect themselves, like you have done with the 'age-appropriate' advice, and constantly pointing out, demonstrating and rewarding kind, loving and appropriate behaviours, protecting them from the unkind inappropriate and downright headfck ones!! Good to use other examples that you spot when you're out on travels (there are absolutely LOADS of awful things being said to kids when you look/listen - and I try to point them out sometimes as unreasonable, unkind, or as having no other purpose than making the adult feel better and the child feel bad without understanding why), so that its not 'normalised' for the children, and can be noticed when it happens to them. In the same way you might kindly say [to a child], we can talk about it when you can calm down, or of yourself 'l'll let you know, when I've calmed down!' haha!

a lot to think about, but when you're home - 'and...[breath]... relax'

My nsdh is being unexpectedly nice at the moment. He cooked a three-course meal last night, for us to enjoy after dcs were in bed. He'd been shopping in the big metropolis and couldn't resist the yummy things. He's gone away today, so can't do any of the clearing up. Not so thoughtful, then, eh?

He bought flowers, too. Is someone telling him to put an effort in? Last time he bought flowers for me was the day that our friend arrived to stay - so clearly to make a good impression. Flowers weren't even presented to me yesterday, just dumped on the worktop.

Funny what you can take for being "nice", isn't it?

I have had two genuine, unprovoked, meaningful compliments, though. That's very unusual. He's also checking up on my whereabouts more often than usual. Part of me is worried he knows about the thread somehow, but I don't think so really. He doesn't keep secrets well. Perhaps he's just worried because he's going away for a few weeks soon. And I will be alone in the house with our (male) friend. He's definitely suspicious and jealous about that.

Ah well. He's out of the house for two days, and I have a sleepover for dd1 (who is 9 on Sunday) to prepare for tonight. Happy days!

perhaps he had a secret brain transplant charlotte as thats most out of character and is the only possibly explanation of 'genuine' kindnesses whats his ulterior motive, it'll probably be jealousy of other male presence

I would leave the flowers untouched on the side, and then ignore insults that you ignored his gift (say, I don't remember you giving me a gift I'd have hit the floor with shock if you had as I'd definitely have noticed such odd behaviour as that! )

Yes Hilde he is. And how he is showing his true colours......but you are out!! hooray

The magnificent DP singing Hilde's suggestion

Quite a while back Arthritic fingers encouraged us with this from Helen Reddy....describes us I think

Hi everyone

You are all sounding very positive and very brave!

Sorry I've been away from the thread for a bit. There's been lots going on. I'll try not to make this post too long!

So...last week was half term. FW took DS away for 3 nights to see his GPs. This was the first time he'd taken him anywhere by himself since DS was born (he's almost 5 now). It was hard for me to be in the house by myself but I kept busy and planned lots of meals out and activities during the day. It was really hard to talk to DS on the phone and hear him crying and asking for me to go and get him . I knew that DS was ok (FW had sent me photos of him laughing with GPs) but still...it broke my heart. I guess I'm going to have to get used to the separation when FW moves out and its his turn to have DS...

Anyway, they got back on Sunday evening and DS is obviously really happy to see me (and me him!). He asked, "why didn't you come and get me like I wanted you to" which was hard to deal with, but I got loads of hugs and kisses from my little boy. I was soooo happy .

FW (on the other hand) was not happy. He has this theory you see, that DS and I are only close because we spend so much time together. He thought that if he spent 3 days with DS then DS would magically become more attached to him and wouldn't miss me .

So...since then the week has been filled with the usually low level fuckwittery. For example, this morning FW was dressing DS ready for school. I had got DS up and fed etc and was getting ready in my bedroom. It's right next door to DS's room and the wall is very thin so I can hear exactly what's being said. It went something like this:

DS "Has mummy gone to work?"
FW "No. She's in her bedroom"
DS "Can I go and see her when I'm dressed?"
FW "NO! And stop talking about mummy all the time. You're always asking for mummy. You need to pay more attention to daddy"

On previous occasions I've heard FW telling DS that he's 'not allowed' to come and see me if he wakes up at night, or if he's upset. t seems that FW is trying to sabotage the close realtionship I have with DS and it makes me

However, today FW and I had our first joint mediation session. The mediator was GREAT! She set FW straight about a few queries he'd had about the divorce petition (he has no common sense at all). She got him to agree to a schedule for looking after DS while we're still living in the same house (something I'd been trying to get him to agree to for months). He didn't want to agree to a set routine as he wanted to carry on doing things as and when they suited him but she persuaded him that it was best for DS and everyone else if he agreed to the same days every week. So we are getting a weekly planner to stick on the wall and DS will be able to check it himself so he knows what's going on.

She also asked how DS was coping with the 'atmosphere' in the house. FW (of course) said that DS was absolutely fine. I said that I was really concerned about DS. I managed (with a few tears) to tell the mediator all the things FW was saying to DS about me (see above). FW was furious with me (he said it 'wasn't fair') and even started off denying he said them. I gave several examples of his behaviour (including the one this morning) and the mediator obviously believed me. She proceeded to persude FW (in a terribly clever, middle class, non accusatory way - not quite sure how she did it) that it really wasn't a good idea to say things like that about me to DS and that DS should be able to come and see me at night or anytime I was in the house, even if it was FW's 'turn' to look after him. He ended up agreeing!

I honestly could have kissed that mediator...she was fab!

So, in the next session we will be talking finances. Looking forward to what she can do with that...