Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships: 13

[CharlotteCollinsislost]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page1.htm heart to heart]] a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

I guess the monthly running costs, if that could be a concern? look at some old gas/leccy bills. check all certificates for electrics and gas boiler/cooker. Check any damage already in house, if this is a rental, to agree its there before you go in (including state of carpets and to see a receipt of professional cleaning bill if you will be required to do before you vacate). Neighbours a consideration (if elderly, or with children, etc.). WIll let you know if I think of anything else - sooooo excited for you! YAY! ((jump up and down and toast to you))

Make sure heating and hot water are on b4 you move in.. too cold to take any chances, and everything working and get agreement to fix b4 moving in.

Any deposits you give should be held in 'secure' accounts that cannot be used for anything else. Agent will be able to explain about this, so that there is no chance of you losing yours (with worsening economic situation, some are).

Keep an eye on DCs and be open to any comments when they go there and come back to you. You can then take action if you need to. Might be easier for them to meet him out for a month, while they get settled in their new real HOME!

Thank you so much for all that, Fi! Am I completely mad, do you think, to be planning to move half our stuff out while he's away on a trip in January? I feel that if I give him any hint that that's what I'm planning, he'll make it all so difficult, and I'm lacking in confidence enough in my ability to make a house a home for the dcs!

Anyway, have spoken to the letting agent and she's going to check that the landlord would be happy with me as a single mother pretty reliant on maintenance from the ex (sounds better than benefits?). meep!

Oh No Charlotte this is a brilliant move, and no need to doubt yourself. You will have others around you (in RL) to help make you feel supported (and all us lot in here).

Yo have your hands full and a lot to do, does anyone know that can help physically/planning it all? that you would absolutely trust? Or even WA? they are very good at this sort of thing and will surely be of great help.

You already talk of freinds droppping by and your visiting.. this is all good . Confidence will grow when you see that you are doing it. I am doing it (noone more surprised about that than me!), and all the brave ladies that have gone b4 you. I wouldn't worry about categorising yourself in that way, you are a family no different to any other. Families come in many shapes and sizes. I wouldn't offer potential obstacles for a landlord to consider, if it wasn't stipulated at the outset. Your credentials are that you are trustworthy and careful of the property and a reliable payer. I had a single mum renting here with 2 v. littlies, she was brilliant. Now I realise she had an abusive FW for a NSDH.

Charlotte, I do not think you are in the slightest mad to be moving out while he's away. Your instincts are right, and better to do it in your own time, relaxed and stress-free, than trying to flit in one morning, like I did. Remember, this is not permanent. If you change your mind, want to go back, want to live somewhere else, you can do that. You will never find somewhere that ticks all your boxes when you are looking in the way that you are (and that I was), needing to be gone asap, so the fact that you've found a place that sounds like it offers lots of the things you need is important.
Would DD1 and DD2 be able to share so that DD3 and DS could be in another room and give you a room to yourself? An ensuite isn't a big enough haven!

How are you settling into your new name, Fi? I have to confess something - I keep thinking people are talking to you when they are talking to me, because that's my name!!!! It's making me laugh, which is much needed today.

Doh, I of course mean 'keep thinking people are talking to me when they are talking to you. Brain failure imminent...

It says "no benefits", so I had to check what that means - I'm a bit hignorant!

DS and DD3 don't need their own upstairs space - they play downstairs and usually sleep in my room anyway - in their own beds would be a bonus! It would probably make or break dd1 and dd2's opinion of the place, to have their own room or not. Def needs to be this way. When I go back to work in a couple of years, we'll look for somewhere bigger.

Thanks both for the encouragement - just a little wobble, I think! Scary being this grown-up - I don't even hold my own money or tickets when we go on holiday, so this is just so major!

Charlotte, you are going to love being this grown-up, after so long of being in a relationship that stifled your adultness (IFSWIM). I think you'll be amazed at how free you feel, making decisions and even holding your own tickets! Go girl!

((chorusing rounds of 'here, here')) and 2nding that Pony - What a coincidence same name! ha!

Yeah, but I aint no princess, Fi!!!!!

ha ha!.. me either!

but settling into it good thanks to answer your question a few back..(as long as I'm not called 'princess'!)

Bless her! :o

I had a big sympathetic laugh with your fear that someone would stop you using your bank card - I've felt the same every time I take one of my little baby steps. Must say, though, that the responsibility is suddenly handed in my direction when it's something that fw doesn't want to do himself...

Why are the Dad's remaining involved?

Surely they would both be best off looking after their DGCs and their respective offspring.

I remember that they have (??work) links so this time may be tricky for them. At the end of the day though you are both adults and you will have to sort stuff out for yourselves with as much support as you can garner. The trouble with second hand info is that it's going to turn into chinese whispers as it goes from offspring through one dad to other dad and to other offspring. not likely to make things easier for anyone I would think.

is there a kind way to say this to your dear and supportive dad?

Sending hugs Leclerc, you are dealing with so much, it's just a constant onslaught. I'm glad DD knows what she doesn't want, that's a good starting point, and so glad she knows that she can make that decision, that's powerful for her to know.

Are you ok with your dad having an ongoing contact with FW's parents? It's good that you are finding out what they're saying about you, but surely anything your dad says back to them will just be dealt with in the same way as FW would deal with anything, ie ignore what they don't want to hear.
Has FW actually told them anything of his abuse to you? It certainly doesn't sound like it.

How are things with DS1? My DS1 has been playing up too, as he always seems to at bedtime. I end up frazzled and frustrated and hating myself for being impatient with him. He wont go and get ready for bed because he's scared of the dark. He has to sit on the bed to get dressed because he's scared of the floor. It all seems put on to me, because sometimes he can do it fine. He admitted that sometimes it's put on. But then, as i was saying goodnight, he wanted me turn the dimmer light up a bit more and I felt it was high enough and refused. He got annoyed and started bumping his head up and down on the pillow. I just left the room. He shouted on me a few minutes later to say his head was hurting. He then admitted that he'd punched his head. I don't know what to do with that.

Enjoy your wine and chocs Leclerc, you more than deserve it. Despite my own porkiness, I actually bought a pair of jeggings yesterday! I wanted something I could wear boots with, as my normal bootcut jeans just bumfle when tucked into boots. Not sure I'll be brave enough to wear 'a jegging', but we'll see...

I've just remembered something, and I want to jot it down here before I forget it again. H's mother left home a few times when he was a child. Only for a few days, each time, but a sudden flight, because something made her feel she couldn't cope. He has said to me in the past (when I've been frustrated and said I want to walk right out of the house), quite calmly, and water-torturer like now I come to think of it, that he thinks I should do that too, it'd probably be helpful. Condescending fw! That's how he's going to react when I go, isn't it? A smug "Ah yes, I know this - she'll be back. She went a bit far, renting a house, but I'll forgive her and be gracious, in the end..."

I have one like that too bed can take hours. peaceful nights all....

Thanks for explanation. Am familiar with Ello Ello, but not to that extent.

I wish you Good Moaning!