I've been with DP for six years - we cenrated our anniversary last night.
I've always been very open about the fact that I want a marriage and a family - always and open are key words here, and right from the first week of being together. Not in a crazy way, but just being honest and talking about the things we want from life.
Three years in, DP was apparently shocked that it was what I wanted and declared that he didn't believe in marriage. I said that's fine, but it was a dealbreaker for me. DP got upset, promised we'd get married and I believed him.
I was training to be a teacher, he was working full time and money was sort of tight so I let it slide because it wasn't the best time. Last year, though, I graduated an got a job, although not teaching. At Christmas I reiterated my desire to get married and he said he knew it would have to happen to stay together.
I was sort of torn and a little hurt. The poor sod shouldn't have to marry someone if he doesn't want to, but at the same time, I feel like I have the right to be with someone who wants to marry me.
At the beginning of the year, then, we went forward on the understanding that we were getting married. I suggested buying a cheap engagement ring - I said I'd buy it or we could go halves but he insisted he wanted to buy it and it would be a 'proper' one. I started looking at place to get married cheaply - each one he turned down because they'd make him ashamed. I tried more expensive places - he doesn't like the food, the staff, the location.
I left it a couple of months, he never mentioned it again. I discussed booking a registrar and doing it with no fuss and, with his agreement, booked the date. We then cancelled because he said he wanted me to have a 'proper' wedding.
I got a teaching job and started in September. We took out a loan together, cleared my student overdraft and other various debts between us (nothing big) and we are payi back half each. He used all his 'half' of the loan to clear 'hus' debts while I used £2k todo the same, meaning technically I have £1.5k left that is 'mine.' I have jokingly asked for it, saying I want to go on a spending spree - I would never be that frivolous with money, but he fobbed me off and didn't give it to me.
As the weeks went on, it bothered me. If he had spent it - what on? He's nothing to show for it. Had he used it to clear debt that I wasn't aware of? If so, I'm very uneasy about him hiding stuff like that from me - my dad was the same and I swore never to end up like my mum.
Stupidly, I let the idea that he was using it to buy me a 'proper' ring. I don't know why - partly because I wanted it to be true and partly because its one of te only reasonable explanations for the missing/used money that I can come up with that doesn't make me upset/angry.
So our anniversary comes round and he is so lovely, he arranged to take me out to my favourite restaurant. I said we'd go halves because its something from each to each, IYSWIM? But he said no - it's his gift to me because beig with me all these years have been a gift to him. He's just been so loving and wonderful. I tried really hard not to let the ring thing creep in to my head, but it was there and I was excited.
We went to dinner and it was lovely. No ring though. I am disappointed, however unreasonable that is. I brought up the idea of getting married again this morning and he seemed resigned to it, surprised somewhat and did say it was a waste f money. He said if we strt saving £25 a week each we will be able to afford to - so I said "are we saving from scratch? There's not a lump sum left over from the loan?" And he said that there was a grand left, after being a bit evasive.
I'm not getting married am I? I've wasted six years of my life, and his. And, just as importantly, it's the money thing.
Oh I didn't even know what I'm trying to say. I'm miserable and disappointed and am feeling very, very stupid.