Feeling very sorry for myself.

[TwllBach]

I've been with DP for six years - we cenrated our anniversary last night.

I've always been very open about the fact that I want a marriage and a family - always and open are key words here, and right from the first week of being together. Not in a crazy way, but just being honest and talking about the things we want from life.

Three years in, DP was apparently shocked that it was what I wanted and declared that he didn't believe in marriage. I said that's fine, but it was a dealbreaker for me. DP got upset, promised we'd get married and I believed him.

I was training to be a teacher, he was working full time and money was sort of tight so I let it slide because it wasn't the best time. Last year, though, I graduated an got a job, although not teaching. At Christmas I reiterated my desire to get married and he said he knew it would have to happen to stay together.

I was sort of torn and a little hurt. The poor sod shouldn't have to marry someone if he doesn't want to, but at the same time, I feel like I have the right to be with someone who wants to marry me.

At the beginning of the year, then, we went forward on the understanding that we were getting married. I suggested buying a cheap engagement ring - I said I'd buy it or we could go halves but he insisted he wanted to buy it and it would be a 'proper' one. I started looking at place to get married cheaply - each one he turned down because they'd make him ashamed. I tried more expensive places - he doesn't like the food, the staff, the location.

I left it a couple of months, he never mentioned it again. I discussed booking a registrar and doing it with no fuss and, with his agreement, booked the date. We then cancelled because he said he wanted me to have a 'proper' wedding.

I got a teaching job and started in September. We took out a loan together, cleared my student overdraft and other various debts between us (nothing big) and we are payi back half each. He used all his 'half' of the loan to clear 'hus' debts while I used £2k todo the same, meaning technically I have £1.5k left that is 'mine.' I have jokingly asked for it, saying I want to go on a spending spree - I would never be that frivolous with money, but he fobbed me off and didn't give it to me.

As the weeks went on, it bothered me. If he had spent it - what on? He's nothing to show for it. Had he used it to clear debt that I wasn't aware of? If so, I'm very uneasy about him hiding stuff like that from me - my dad was the same and I swore never to end up like my mum.

Stupidly, I let the idea that he was using it to buy me a 'proper' ring. I don't know why - partly because I wanted it to be true and partly because its one of te only reasonable explanations for the missing/used money that I can come up with that doesn't make me upset/angry.

So our anniversary comes round and he is so lovely, he arranged to take me out to my favourite restaurant. I said we'd go halves because its something from each to each, IYSWIM? But he said no - it's his gift to me because beig with me all these years have been a gift to him. He's just been so loving and wonderful. I tried really hard not to let the ring thing creep in to my head, but it was there and I was excited.

We went to dinner and it was lovely. No ring though. I am disappointed, however unreasonable that is. I brought up the idea of getting married again this morning and he seemed resigned to it, surprised somewhat and did say it was a waste f money. He said if we strt saving £25 a week each we will be able to afford to - so I said "are we saving from scratch? There's not a lump sum left over from the loan?" And he said that there was a grand left, after being a bit evasive.

I'm not getting married am I? I've wasted six years of my life, and his. And, just as importantly, it's the money thing.

Oh I didn't even know what I'm trying to say. I'm miserable and disappointed and am feeling very, very stupid.

It's sounds as if your mum chose to believe your dad, rather than take matters into her own hands and face the truth. Possibly because she was also chasing a dream of marriage? That doesn't stop once you actually are married, if anything it can get worse, or at least more desperate. Because now it has to work and it has to be forever and you have to learn to forgive - etc etc. I bet you your mum thought she was breaking a cycle too.

No more symbolism. You need to deal in facts.

I'm afraid I think speaks volumes for your lack of self-esteem that if he had bought you an engagement ring - something the man is supposed to pay for himself, something that he had promised you - with YOUR £1500, you would have been over the moon.

He is a disgrace. Sorry.

Right, ok, the loan is not a joint one, it is only in his name. Someone asked up thread and I realised I wasn't sure. That makes a difference doesn't it? The only thing is that I don't need to be paying half as the rest of it really has nothing to do with me.

I wouldn't mind if he bought a ring out of the money because to me a marriage is something that both partners invest in. I don't really see why the man should have to pay for a ring, so I woul have been happy for it to be done like that. I dot have any need for the money, I cleared my immediate debt and have a nice salary, although that sort of money would be nice to have I suppose, especially as I've been paying half towards it. Essentially though, if he had bought a ring, I wouldn't be miffed about him using the money for it.

Don't marry someone who isn't 100% happy about being married. It will end in tears.

So how would you know when you've paid enough? You're paying for £2000 out of a £7000 loan. How much is the repayment and for how long? How long have you paid it and do you pay exactly half?

Something is wrong with this.

Stop paying half of the loan immediately.

You pay back 2/7s of the repayments. The rest of it has nothing to do with you.

And really, ditch this guy.

You're young and your adult life is just getting going. You don't need to be weighted down with a man who lies to you and steals from you.

Sorry, i agree with the others, sort out the loan and her rid.

Yes I agree, stop playing the loan/be evasive about loan.

He's a tosser.

Get a fresh start now your debts are cleared.

Life is short, don't waste it, you will feel mighty empowered.

You mentioned that you had a teaching job lined up and you did not go, hence a small loan you had to repay.

Any chance he said yes we move, and then no?

I am wondering if there is pattern of promising/not delivering on his part there or if these are unconnected events.

If a pattern, I believe this is what others would call a red flag.

Get rid, not her rid.

He's not fulfilling your needs, DO NOT fulfill his

It sounds like a bit of a financial muddle. The loan is in his name so technically speaking you have no responsibility to pay it back. I must say I would think about splitting up with him at this stage. He doesn't sound very sharing. You didn't say whether or not he supported you financially from his salary when you were a student. So maybe he is taking this into consideration. I don't think it sounds very promising for the future I'm afraid. I don't think just the buying of a ring will solve this.

Hmmm now I'm wondering if the money isn't such a big deal. If I mention it he is likely to say I have no claim to it because its not in my name isn't he

And, you have no liability for it either

We didn't go because we found out I was pregnant and, for one reason or another, we decided it was best if we stayed. It did honestly make sense at the time but unfortunately I lost the baby.

He didn't support me while I was a student, I paid half of everything. I always had between one and three jobs and made sure I could pay my way.

Look, I got myself entangled in a very difficult relationship, fifteen years, two DCs later I was desperate to get out and unbelievably he suddenly got sick and died I didn't do it your honour--.

I take no nonsense from anyone now, even DP. If I don't like it I tell him and we discuss. He knows full well I would turf him out with immediate effect if he didn't. And its a two way street. Its good for a relationship, healthy and mature.

Do not waste anymore time or beg to get yourself saddled with an arsehole and dependents. You are young, make it count

twll- you've been making the bloody repayments for it!!!

Of COURSE you deserve to know where it is!

Ask him, ask him now and don't let him be evasive. YOU are repaying half, but haven't borrowed half. Work out how much you've repaid- I bet you've paid back your share. You can walk away v easily.

You deserve someone for 'real' not who is just promises.

I remember this guy from another thread, one where he was being a little storm cloud when you went to stay with your folks. There were a few muttered LTBs and a general consensus that you had outgrown him, which you rather agreed with.

So, you've been with him six years and you feel you're at the stage in life when you should be married. This is not only not a man who wants to be married (now, and/or to you, at least) nor, I respectfully suggest, is he the ideal life partner. (OK, nobody's perfect and all that, but there are so many little niggles with this one.) What you're doing is the equivalent of the compulsive gambler standing at the slot machine, feeding in coin after coin, because you've put in so much already that surely your investment just has to pay back eventually, right? It takes a strong effort of will to tell yourself no, what goes in does not always come out (because the machines are designed that way), stop playing the game and walk away.

Bah, I worded some of that horribly badly, but I hope you get the gist.

Well, yes -if the loan is in your name then it isn't your money - it's his. But equally, that being the case, nor do you need to pay it back.

I would make sure that (with interest) you have paid back your 2k. Then say goodbye to the remaining money. It's his business.

Then deal with your feelings about the relationship. I guess I'm in a similar situation myself. I told dp that I wanted to get married a year ago (about 3/4 years in to our relationship) I told him it was funadamentally important to me and he said that it was to him too and the only reason he hadn't proposed was that he thought I deserved a big wedding, and we can't afford it at the moment. I said that, like you, a big wedding was not important and that my Dad would pay anyway. He seemed relieved and happy and said okay, we'd get married but that he wanted to do the proper suprise proposal so I could expect this at some point in 2012... now, I know we are still in 2012, but it is NOVEMBER, and I feel it is very cruel to have made me wait this long. I know he has about 7k saved (possibly more as his nan dies last year and left him at least a couple of thousand) I know that what he spends his money on is none of my business and I have no claim on this case but it hurts that whilst I am sat here, desperate to be married, he clearly doesnt have the same strength of feeling. Also, he has recently been making appointments with the bank and a financial adviser to talk about how he could invest his savings and also some of his income. He has given me a brief synopsys of what has happened at the meetings, but no more than he would do to an aquaintence or work colleague.

For one reason or another (which I've just started a thread about) I don't know if we should be toegther at all or not. But reading your thread has kind of thrown under the spotlight that really we (you and I, OP) are better than, and worth more than, waiting around desperately willing these men to want us as much as we want them Reading my situation - what would your advice be to me?? It could be that it gives you your answer....

I am very sorry about your loss.

It sounds like you have had some very hard, emotional times.

It also sounds like he is not being terribly supportive.

Natsnuts, I'd give the same advice as I would to the OP.

Your partner should consider himself bloody lucky to have you. He should have proposed on January 1st if he wanted to do it in 2012! What the hell is he doing, hanging on until the last day?

Start to value yourself more and look around to see what other opportunities there are. You don't have to stay with him; there's a whole other life out there.

So.
I asked him where the money was and he said in his bank account. I asked what he intended to do with it as I was curious. He said he had thought about buying a ring with it but he wasn't sure if I would be angry that he had used the money. He then said that I had jumped the gun and spoiled it. He said he had been thinking about doing it last Christmas until I did the same thing and then he thought he would wait.

Now, I am pleased that he was thinking about doing it, but that last bit... it almost sounds like he was punishing me for questioning his intentions when he had shown no signs of doing what he said he would. Or am I over thinking it now? Does that mean that he will postpone doing it again? Because he, much like Natsnuts said he would do it this year and has left it till now, therefore making me feel even more secure?

Annie I really like your slot machine analogy. That's sort of what it feels like.

Why, when I know that it looks stupid and almost definitely won't work, am I so pathetically pleased that he said he was going to buy a ring around December time?

Nats I would probably tell you the same thing - he is stalling, he wants his cake without paying for it. He has the money but his first thought isn't to use it to commit to you, which hurts. I know it does.

But now every time you ask about it he will say you've spoiled it and postpone once again!! This is very neat way to keep you in line!

I would have demanded to see proof of the money, tbh. Well, I would if I was liable for it.