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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sorry - VSM here again.

152 replies

verysadmum · 03/01/2004 17:52

I'm sorry to keep bothering you.

My H hasn't been seen by anyone (that I'm in regular contact with) since nye and I'm actually quite surprised that he hasn't contacted me today about seeing the children.

Do you think I should just give him a quick call/text?? I'm obviously glad not to speak to him atm but I'm a bit worried.

TIA, Me xx

OP posts:
Festivefly · 05/01/2004 23:06

Why a shit one, you can stop that straight away the last thing you should be doing is putting yourself down. And remember you are a single mum because of him it has no reflection on you

nutcracker · 05/01/2004 23:06

Hi VSM, don't want to hyjack your thread but I've finally done it. I told dp tonight that i don't love him and want us to split up. Fell quite sick and shakey now though

Lou33 · 05/01/2004 23:08

Oi VSM, you can stop that shit parent stuff RIGHT NOW! It's just not true.

Nutty, wow, are you ok? What did he say? I'm in the bar if you want to chat.

nutcracker · 05/01/2004 23:09

o.k see you in the bar

Festivefly · 05/01/2004 23:09

Oh noooo!!!!! Nutty are you alright, how horrible

Original poster
verysadmum · 05/01/2004 23:11

FF - because I don't always pay them enough attention. I've just remembered about ds's school books and how he hasn't read the. We always seem to be late for stuff because I'm so disorganised and my house... a mess is perhaps an understatement.

OP posts:
Original poster
verysadmum · 05/01/2004 23:12

Wow Nutty! Well done girl! Is he still there with you?

OP posts:
Lou33 · 05/01/2004 23:14

Vsm, sounds very normal to me, in fact it sounds like my life every day . The main thing is you love them, look after them and would do anything for them. You are keeping them safe. Bookreading is one of things I think you can stop beating yourself with a stick about.

Festivefly · 05/01/2004 23:16

Listen Vsm you have to give yourself a break, i was terrible when he left with all of that stuff, it doesn't matter for now. You have your whole life with them, just get through the day, you have to put yourself first for a while so you can be strong for them when your ready, don't give yoursself a hard time please

saintshar · 05/01/2004 23:16

Listen vsm, i think that i have told you this before, but i wish my Mum would have left my Dad when we were little. Maybe me and my Sis wouldn't have as many hang-ups as we have now if she had.
This makes you the opposite of what you think you are....you are a very good&strong mum who is doing the best for her kids.

Original poster
verysadmum · 05/01/2004 23:18

Thanks Lou. Yes of course I love them - completly and utterly. I suppose I shouldn't worry about the other crap so much but I should pay them more attention..

OP posts:
Original poster
verysadmum · 05/01/2004 23:19

I hope I can be a good strong mum for them. Thanks SS and FF and okay I'll listen!

OP posts:
Festivefly · 05/01/2004 23:21

You have already been a good a strong mum, you have proved that

Lou33 · 05/01/2004 23:22

Part of being a parent is always worrying if you give them enough attention. There's never enough time for the amount of attention any child desreves, it's impossible and just makes you feel crap when you think about it.

Original poster
verysadmum · 05/01/2004 23:23

I guess I've done enough moaning. Sorry. See you in the bar for a couple?

OP posts:
saintshar · 05/01/2004 23:24

It does sound like we are telling you off - doesn't it?!!
It's just that i have been there, i wouldn't want your kids to feel like we do in another 20 odd years time. I know it is hard for all of you at the moment, but it will be harder still if you let him win you over.
(I won't tell you off again...promise, and i haven't spoke to you in days...sorry)

Original poster
verysadmum · 05/01/2004 23:26

Don't apologise. Perhaps a kick up the bum is what I need.

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 06/01/2004 05:28

vsm, I'm sorry it didn't go well. I don't want to tell you off either, but please don't take him back. Look at how grateful your ds is to you for protecting him - that makes you a fantastic mum. And I agree about the books etc, sod it and concentrate on showing your children how much you love them by not taking their father back. I do know it's hard being on your own but you will get through it. Your H lost all rights to sympathy when he used violence against you and your children.

robinw · 06/01/2004 06:28

message withdrawn

motherinferior · 06/01/2004 08:21

Stay strong, VSM. You don't deserve this deranged *rse.

Twinkie · 06/01/2004 10:22

Message withdrawn

StressyHead · 06/01/2004 10:49

message withdrawn

Twinkie · 06/01/2004 11:10

Message withdrawn

Festivefly · 06/01/2004 11:15

Vsm, thought this might help in the future here

aloha · 06/01/2004 11:19

VSM, there can honestly be no going back now. As an adult you have the absolute right to choose whatever way of life you want - even if it means being hurt (though it would break my heart if that's what happened). But your main responsibility is to your son. You CANNOT risk his being hurt again. A bad mother is one who deliberately lets her child be hurt, and by making sure that doesn't happen, you can never, ever be described as a bad mother. Don't let his tears of self pity change your views. He's not sorry for you, or for his children, he's sorry for himself. he made all this happen, all by himself. He is totally responsible for his actions (including his drinking). It's not your job to 'help' him give up. That's something he has to do all by himself, if he wants to. Otherwise guess what, he'll fail and blame you for not 'helping' him enough! You've come so far. It is awful and will continue to be awful for a while yet. Don't expect anything else. Just think, this is awful, it feels awful but I will keep on anyway. Eventually, it will be less awful and then it will be great. I too wish my parents had divorced many years before they did. My childhood would have been a LOT happier. Remember what your little boy said to you. Cling on to that.

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